Eternity

Fri, May. 20th, 2016 06:54
tigrissky: Tiger in Green Sea (starbuck)


It's not going to be the end of the world.

In this moment that is the truth I must hold tight.

Life,
it goes on
in need of nothing
in search of everything
on a path to nowhere
all to become

Nothing,
but this moment
right here
right now

I am nothing more than a wayfaring stranger to this experience known to humanity as life. Where every step is one step closer to the nothing we are born to become. Where every choice redeems or condemns, where every story is told or forgotten, where every acceptance of self is acceptance of the nothingness we come from and return to. Holding vigil over our significance. As if significance will allow eternity.

~TigrisSky
tigrissky: Tiger in Green Sea (Body Kiss)


Wandering for years
Outside of self

Everything to lose
Stepping back inside

Embracing tighter
The gypsy shoes

... 10 years of Beltanes and here I remain; connected.

What am I trying to say? Sometimes the poetry mutes me through the desire to find the right words; the right way to describe an experience only I can truly comprehend. Longing for someone, anyone, to desire to see, through my eyes, the beauty in those moments when only you and I connect.

Whoever you may be ...

Sometimes a stranger smiles and quietly professes, through the crackling of flames, an announcement of power thought lost. A reminder of a time, sitting chained near the water's edge, strangers dancing in the naked flame, a tiger commanding you ...

Run!

Towards an olive grove facing the sea.



A deep breath in, the heart pushing away fear through a crescendo of palpitations. Only to find itself pressed tightly against a tiger's back. Where this moment will carry me, only the softness of a tiger's claws can ensure.

In this moment of assurance, claws brushing lightly across my fragile fingertips, holding on. I don't want to wake up; from this gift of time -- to feel, to know, to experience ...

Love.

So I simply refuse sleep.

Until the Earth finds the strength to awaken Apollo's kiss. Offering a reminder of what it is like to crawl in bed and fall in love with the Moon.

~TigrisSky
tigrissky: Tiger in Green Sea (Dark Beauty)
This question could be asked in regards to my journal. Yet the hearts esoteric connection to self is what brings it into being.

I have spent the best years of my life being a part of it all; forgetting the importance of simply being me.

Since the beginning the way forward has always been lead by a continuous search for deep connection.

Waste of time.

Since the beginning the way forward has always been unwaveringly directed by a revisionist soul.

A soul obsessively devoted to love.

Such a contradictory predicament; life. Ushering you in with all the feminine strength this world can muster. Indoctrinating you with all the masculine ego this world can sell.

Every now and again a life preserver can be found keeping it all afloat. Yet if you never let go and swim; well, even salt water surrounded with sharks can feel safe if you get comfortable enough holding on.

Hold on long enough you will forget anything you ever dreamed of.

Hold on long enough you will forget how to dream.

Spend enough time drowning and eventually you won't need air to breath.

Some days I am ready to stop breathing.

Right now I try and remember how to dream ...

~TigrisSky

tigrissky: Tiger in Green Sea (Twilight Siberian Tiger)


The Boss has always know where I come from and how hard it is there. His lyrics a display of those of us who come from the wrong side of the tracks. The side that knows the truth of the world, while desperately desiring to be on the right side with the ignorant.

Ignorance is bliss.

Who ever said bliss was the key?

This year I plan to make my own bliss!

Here is to a 2016 filled with accomplishments!!!

~TigrisSky

Found

Thu, Dec. 31st, 2015 13:31
tigrissky: Tiger in Green Sea (starbuck)
Stress.

Life whips itself around me, a whirlwind of activity, my creativity pushing me to stop waiting and start serving.

Responsibilities of choice have compiled and conspired, all needing my attention RIGHT FUCKING NOW!

Desires poke at me from the background, not demanding; yet. Just a nudge of wanting, reminding me of their presence, they will need my attention soon as well.

The Universe keeps laying uncrushable proof at my feet and yet I keep doubting.

Am I a good person?

Probably not.

A good enough person?

Probably not.

I am just me and not me all at once.

It has been hard to let go the feeling of being left out, forgotten, judged, and dismissed. I continue to practice.

Every time "they" want to talk it is simply to remind me what I am, have, and will continue doing and being that is wrong. There is no onus at "their" feet, just mine.

So it is I have come to simply accept, yet not own, said analysis. I know my honor, I know my onus, I know who I am.

I am nothing and everything at once.

I am a Gypsy trapped in a society so afraid of change it would rather imprison the "different" in self-doubt than open itself to the possibility of something new.

Growth; a stunted process for any society focused on sustaining tradition of static hearth.

~TigrisSky
tigrissky: Tiger in Green Sea (starbuck)
I have been wanting to post for weeks now. I have had no free time. Things in that arena haven't changed, so this post will be brief.

Work is drowning me; both in spirit and in tasks to complete.

I did not get chosen for either job I applied for to get out of this fucked-up-ness.

I feel stuck in my work life and out of fashion in my personal life.

I am fat, again.

I went to two different, yet equally awesome, Autumnal Equinox festivals this year. At each I spent my time with (mostly) new people. People whom I truly connected with in the moment, yet find myself lacking in value offered anything since.

I had a head full of fashionable ways in which connection could be infused and maintained after festivals ... yet those ideas are not in style at the moment.

So it is that life remains lacking in engagement and desire for and by others.

At least I still have Church. A practice which has reawakened the confidence of remembering that what I offer is more love than most can comprehend.

I remain focused on creating a life that fulfills and reflects the person I am; the person I see myself as.

"I'm taking control of my life now. Right now."



~TigressSky
tigrissky: Tiger in Green Sea (starbuck)
I am not certain whether to count this past moontime as 3 weeks late or I missed a month and am 1 week early. I will find out for sure next week, depending on if I start my moontime as expected or not then.

I asked the doctor about this at the beginning of the year, she took some blood and nothing more came from it.

I'm 38. It doesn't seem like menopause should be hitting me so early. Perhaps it is.

I know I definitely do not want children, because even when I spend some time pining a little, soon enough I am thankful for my freedom. I mean come the fuck on, if my dog and cat didn't talk to me they would starve to death! Although I suppose a baby screams and talks eventually to.

I kinda just want to be done with the whole moontime thing. Yet at the same time I know the coming end is a sign of aging, a loss of a part of me that once had the opportunity to bring forth something in this world, a loss of a part of me that was once desirable and intriguing, a step towards being seen less and less, not to mention becoming worth less and less, to the world around me ...



I have done nothing of value to confront my disappearance altogether.

Teaching myself to cope with slowly being altogether forgotten sucks, but is necessary.

On the flipside, pushing myself to do something of value is a crazy motivator. One that, with age, contains a willingness to take less risk while offering an incentive towards adventurous workings of creative skill and imagination to fucking pull something off. Like an assignment I have waited until the last minute to start working on.

Now I just have to figure out how to tell the "fraud police" to fuck off -- they seem to be the keepers of the 'you can't do the thing, you are such a fake no nothing nobody' keys I remain caged within.

Either or, I will eventually simply just disappear from this world - in one instance I will be easily forgettable, in another, perhaps I will be immortal; or at least my memory will out live me.

~TigrisSky
tigrissky: Tiger in Green Sea (starbuck)
Can't sleep.

Tom Petty is keeping me awake.




Yeah I am wrestling with my overcoat
Yeah I'm fighting with my thoughts
I'm gonna trust my intuition
I'm gonna hope I don't get lost

For some time I've been lonely
Now I'm to weak to fight

I've been waiting for tonight




Yeah, I've been waiting for tonight.

No longer anything
Not even a hope
To not get lost
Inside Pandora's box

Stepping out
Head held on high
This may take me nowhere
Or everywhere I ever meant to go

Yeah, I've been waiting for tonight

~TigrisSky

All My Wishes

Fri, Aug. 14th, 2015 08:19
tigrissky: Tiger in Green Sea (starbuck)


-1 is less than zero, but for some reason it still has more substance than nothing.

Although one may not give up on others that does not stop others from giving up on one.

I'm bad at math though. My calculations are quite often off. Especially this particular calculation in which I equated myself; stubbornly. A calculation of which I believed I was the mathematician needed for solving. A calculation that actually works better minus one; myself being the one needing subtracted.

It's strange to feel the struggle finally coming to an end. Especially when it has been a struggle of years spent deeply vested. Yet, in the end, it wasn't until the moment of being nudged out, that the struggle dissipated.

In short; what I had been busy figuring, like an obsessively devoted mathematician, has finally found it's solution and that solution seems to have needed me removed to come to fruition.

Ouch!

As people who believe in magick stress though, "Be specific."

The solution I was solving for is discovered. I never specified I wanted the solution to include me.

I imagine this is how those before me felt. I imagine others will eventually feel the same.

So is the ebb and flow of life. Mathematically beautiful; minus one.

~TigrisSky
tigrissky: Tiger in Green Sea (starbuck)


Or is it?

This is a question I am contemplating with much thought as of late; focusing mainly on interactions of my past. Which in turn is helping me to analyze if it really is so bad to have such hypersensitivity now and moving forward?

I am regaining foothold in self, connecting and reconnecting to who I am and reawakening to the importance of truly and deeply loving the me that I am; regardless of anyone's expectations.

I haven't figured it all out yet, I just know I am hypersensitive and, according to G.I. Joe, "Knowing is half the battle!"



I wish it didn't have to be a battle ...

Although I suppose it is a good thing that this is tearing me apart. It has to mean something that all this loss, change, and growth hurts so much. Right? I mean if it were easy then I would know it hadn't been worth it. None of it matter. All those moments and memories in my head and heart would be empty, meaningless, pointless, loveless ...

It was worth it.

All of it.

So take that look out of here, it doesn't fit you
Because it's happened doesn't mean you've been discarded
Pull up your head off the floor, come up screaming
Cry out for everything you ever might have wanted
I thought that pain and truth were things that really mattered
But you can't stay here with every single hope you had shattered ...


oath_of_wolves_by_nababa-d90ketl (1).png

You can't stay here with every single hope you had shattered.

No, no I cannot.

Stop clinging; start flowing.

~TigressSky
tigrissky: Tiger in Green Sea (starbuck)


It is perhaps best I stick with the name Tigris Sky, (TigressSky, Tig, Tiggy, Tigeroni with Cheese, Tigster, Tigopolis, Tiglet, etc.).

I am an atheist in the land of Pagans.

I wasn't raised with an indoctrination of any specific religion in my life. I have always sought out answers to the mystery though. American society tends to adhere to Xian religious ideals in one form or another. So it is in that Xian space I began learning. As a child I adventured to attend Sunday school all on my own while believing I had a Goddess who lived in my kidneys, (whom I called Kidna), and animals, especially horses, talked to me.

I thoroughly enjoy researching, studying, learning, and discussing history. In high school I really got wrapped up in the escapades of Alexander the Great. Which led to a deep connection with the ideal of Greek society & mythos and their philosophical roots in modern societies design. It would not be until university that I would discover a section of the bookstore called "New Age" and familiarize myself with the term Pagan. Starting off with a book called "A History of Pagan Europe" by Prudence Jones & Nigel Pennewick.

In my initial studies of paganism, most of my time was spent online discussing with others all sorts of topics. I was even in charge of several boards and communities on differing subjects. A group of us had formed a site called the Indigo Bridge Cooperative, a website dedicated to providing accurate information on Paganism to Pagan groups and organizations. We also provided web design support to many different pagan groups at the time. Remember, this was the mid-nineties and not much was online, but a lot of what was popping up online in regards to Paganism was pretty poorly done and not well maintained.

After university I moved back to Oregon and found connections at Cleda's Magickal Garden in Jefferson. Before this intro to Cleda's Garden, any Pagans I had dealt with offline IRL (In Real Life) were just assholes. It took about a year of convincing from friends before I was even willing to set foot into the Garden. Once there I was hooked though. Much like Troutlake Abbey, you just feel the magick when you step onto the grounds. Unlike Troutlake Abbey, this site did not have dedicated financing behind it's creation. Significantly smaller, the stone circle has been a progress of community creation since its inception, a little over 15 years ago. Either way, I find both sites truly amazing wonders to behold, and feel lucky to have them both in my back yard!

I have organizational skills up the yin-yang and love putting things together and manifesting them with others.

For the past ten years I have worked with a committee of volunteers from the area nearest Cleda's Garden to put on two festivals each year (Beltane and Fall Equinox) and several other sabbat rituals (Imbolc, Samhain, Full Moon, Garden Anniversay, etc.). I have written several rituals, led and participated in many different roles in several more, edited and critiqued even that many more. These rituals have touched many different spiritual paths (Egyptian, Greek, Norse, Mesopotamian, Hindu etc.), dealt with many different ideals (community, love, reciprocity, tradition, etc.), and presented many different themes (tarot, Dracula, the tree of life, the gundestrap cauldron, dark & light, etc.).

A few years ago I completed training here in Portland in the practice of Tantra and am a Tantrica (Tantric Priestess). The first 'official' practicing title I have been assigned in Pagan community.

As happens, the committee I was so deeply involved in has gone through many changes the past few years and I have felt a little out of place. I have turned back inward to focus on self for awhile and am not really willing to dedicate to making things happen with or for others at this point. I am slowly re-emerging, with a differing perspective of who I am and how I want to proceed coming with me. I have been suffering a bit of anxiety with this change, as I am uncertain as to how I will be received, where any of this will take me, and where exactly I am willing to set sail just yet.

A visit last year from my long last Aunt brought to fruition that my Mother was a practicing Witch. I know that sounds cliche, but I have spent the past couple of years reconnecting to her, and so it all makes perfect sense to me that I am only just now finding out about my "natural" inheritance. I certainly do not mean that as a claim to some sort of greater abilities or birth right, as so many others do. It is not like my Mom taught me the tricks of the trade and honed my skills in any way. It just makes sense to my life and makes my connection to this path seem more solid.

So here I am ... trying to find my way ... again.

Rinse and Repeat ... so is the cycle of life.

~TigressSky
tigrissky: Tiger in Green Sea (starbuck)

↑ ↑ ↑ YES. PLAY ME. PLAY ME NOW. ↑ ↑ ↑





Rush Hour
~TigressSky © July 17, 2015

What has my life become
Sitting in this cube
Impatiently waiting to experience
Rush hour
To become more
Exhausted and frustrated
A moment to sleep it all away
Then awaken to experience
Rush hour
And start this process anew

This isn't where I ever imagined I would be
In a high rise
Next to I-84
Wishing I had done something
Anything at all
That would have taken me
Anywhere but here

When I lose that drive
That tells me I can matter
I can make a difference
To someone or something
Great or small in this world
I can be
Something
More than this moment
Then
It is over
The grand 'They' have finally gotten me
The 'Man' keeping me down
Yes master I adhere

Yet is it man
Or is it the self
That keeps me confined in this nothingness
A meaningless task
Shuffling electronic information
From here to there
Keeping people imprisoned
To the importance
Of receiving acceptance
From the world
Acceptance granted by a printout
Of proof of who they are
Without it they will be allowed
Access to nothing of value
Defined by society
The mastermind controlling
Such proof of you
Of your very own existence

It is all so simple to see
Yet kept busy we are left blind
To the history of where
When, why, and how
This all became
And how simply different
It could all be
How simply simple
It could all be
How our very evolution
Is the de-evolution of life

Is it time for revolution
Inside and out
An awakening to selflessness
Unconditional love
Peace

Or is it an impossibility
Of reality
To be so
Free
tigrissky: Tiger in Green Sea (starbuck)

joker.jpg


The only reason I cannot be the Joker, (yet could be a very good Loki), is because I, unlike society, still believe in having a moral code. Or shall I refer to it in my terminology style choice: honor code. Makes it sound a little less draconian and a little more adaptable to an ever changing life.

CHANGE: Something which NONE of us can get away from. We can simply only pause to take and hold a moment as close to us as we can for as long as we can. Sometimes this is only a flash and sometimes it is a lifetime. Whatever it is, we make the effort to try and hold onto it as long as we possibly can.

Be that in reality or memory.

We are lead by our desire to be and experience in the way in which our honor code teaches us. This is the part that we are losing in humanity ... having honor. This is the true gift of wisdom, not age, not simple experience, but instead the ability to determine right from wrong without thought of acceptance. Be that acceptance of society or acceptance of the gods; wisdom dictates the right action in every circumstance with compassion not acceptance.

Honor teaches us the path to compassion. Our actions along this path gift us love. Morals teach us the path of judgement. Our actions along this path gift us acceptance.

Sometimes we deny others their love, for their awkwardness is not to be accepted. They don't fit. They make us feel uncomfortable. They anger us. They cause us distress. They are just so opposite everything we have been taught is moral ... that harsh, strictly limiting, judgement word used to control societies partnerships; be it romantic, business, or familial.

Yet if we just take the honorable path we will find compassion ...



What does a whore know of honor though?

She knows how to create a temple anywhere, out of anything, for anyone, in any moment, in any situation, with compassion's passion.

She knows how to relieve, release, and restrict you of and from suffering.

She knows you in whole and shares none of that whole with any one else. It is just for you. It is just for her. It is central.

She knows so much ... so how again is it that you know so little?

Because; she is just a whore.

A long erased Goddess of history. The one who could restore beauty to society after the moral war. The one you cannot help but treat like trash. As if a whore is simply something you enjoy for a moment, crumple up, and toss out when no longer needed. One who is seen as a choice-less voice-less child of the crowd. One who means less to, while directly reflecting, the welfare of society.

A strong cause of moral degradation in society is directly reflected by an increase in the voice-less who continue to believe they cannot speak. That how and who they are grant them no place in this world.

No one will hear them.

It has been made clear.

They do not matter.

Except in their dreams ... and in the arms of the whore.

Long forgotten and written out of history. She runs rampant in the city at night. She draws you out of the safety of your voice-less shell. She is beautiful in a way in which words cannot describe ... yet through Her the voice-less speak. Through Her the voice-less scream their passion, their desire, their hopes, dreams, fears; and then collapse into her arms.

Arms that are easily forgotten.

If only She knew how to be heard rather than just seen ...

Speak out on behalf of the voiceless,
and for the rights of all who are vulnerable.
Speak out in order to judge with righteousness
and to defend the needy and the poor.
                               ~Proverbs 31:8-10

... as someone lost among societies hopeless. A moment of strength to experience an escape from societies morals. Lost in the arms of someone who cannot speak, because no one will listen to the unseen.

The long forgotten.

She who is written out of history.

Whore.

~TigrisSky





tigrissky: Tiger in Green Sea (Default)
Letting go is harder than simply opening a door and watching the breeze blow past you.

Some days, when I think I have finally let go, attachment slips in a grin and I can feel my body tremble with the anticipation of whichever emotion is choosing to hold me in that moment of confrontation with self. For if it becomes a confrontation outside of self, attachment has already won and I might as well finish my appearance as an ass to the tale this incident will become.

Or so my logic forsoothes me.

I use to be great at never showing emotion and in turn appeared as a robot to those who I did try and build relationships with. Logic always overshadowed emotion, emotion was too much my mother, and I was never going to be her.

Until it was I learned what it meant to be Her. When I finally recognized the gifts of life She granted me that are so necessary in the fucked up world I have been imparted.

Yet that is a whole other story about letting go ... in the one I tell now, people are still alive and I have no youthful excuse for my life's mistakes. Still, I keep making them.



I am getting better at embracing my emotions without letting them have control over the situation. I feel partial to mention that my previous state of being was to tell my emotions to "FUCK OFF!" Thus ensuring nothing but logical action in any situation. I do not truly know which is worse, allowing emotion or logic complete control? I certainly do know what I grew up believing was worse, hence my propensity toward the latter.

I have learned it takes a great deal of strength to embrace an emotion that flares, without letting it take control, while in the process of letting go. Especially when the letting go is believed complete and then something small awakens you that it is not. It is in that moment a trigger, like a shot of good tequilla to an alcoholic, snaps it's fingers and emotion rears at the gate.

In that moment, emotion can make you feel like a cowboy, turn you into a clown, and have you hiding in a barrel if you let it convince you to ride.

Letting go is full of all these fears, mainly in regards to change or loss.

Change has always held great space in my life. Therefore it is not fear of change that drives my emotions in this process of letting go. Though at first, I selfishly though it was.

I can finally admit to myself that it was fear of loss that truly had me clinging to this attachment so dramatically. Looking desperately for acceptance from anyone who was looked up to within the circle of my life. Anyone who could guarantee to me that my space here in the Universe we had created was a cemented throne I could always sit upon. A place I had come to believe and rely in. A place in which I had taken to storing my fear, my strength, my honor, and my dignity. A place in which I simply could not comprehend without me in it.

What would I be without it?

Nothing. I would be nothing without it is what I had convinced myself of.



Yet, as it is with all things, the throne had been crumbling since the moment it was presented to me.

Eventually I was going to have to journey on my own again.

Such are the cards the Fates have dealt me.

I can see clearly now that my throne is gone and never really was, except in times of rest, when I could offer of myself in return for the respite.

Such was the role of my crown.

As the Queen grew, the crown no longer fit.

She no longer fit.

The parties went on without her.

The address was changed.

The houselights removed.



What she had feared to lose she must let go. Sinking in the rotting compost of loss, which guarantees change, which fosters new growth, that which was now all around her. Accepting the death of an attachment of her soul. Welcoming the moment of rebirth into the nothing that comes with being everything she will never come to mean to this world; only to her heart.

To herself.

To this momentary experience called LIFE.



~TigrisSky
tigrissky: Tiger in Green Sea (starbuck)

Troutlake Abbey - Washington

This summer solstice I journeyed into the new. A stranger, in a strange land. A place in which I truly knew only one other well and a handful few acquaintances. The rest of the lot were complete strangers.

I needed the anonymity. It allowed me the ability to just be me; to not have to worry about the displeasure I could bring to someone else in simply doing so. To not have to worry about the preconceived notions of who I am, and how I am, foreshadowing my interactions with others.

This anonymity gave me the ability to just be present in the moment and appreciate the sacred space in which I found myself.



Find myself I did, in moments, here and there.

Forget myself I did, in moments, here and there.

Mostly though, I simply reveled in being welcomed and included without question of motives, intent, or whom said what about whom and what side am I on in all of societies battles.

I'm not included enough to even know the sides anymore.

Of which I am glad as it has allowed me to reconnect with the core of who I am. The honor of which was getting lost in the ideal of twisting myself into a pretzel of acceptance that could keep everything that was falling apart together. As if it was my responsibility to do so. More importantly, as if I had the power to keep it all together, when none of it had anything to do with me.

There I go again, thinking I am so important, so needed, such an integral center piece. Someone so important to all that happens that without me twisting myself in just the right way everything would simply fall apart. That if things were not "okay" again I was somehow responsible.

*sigh*

Everything will be okay with or without me.

It always is.

It always has been.

It always will be.

I am insignificant.

I just never imagined a time without me.

Hell, does anyone?



This solstice brought to my forefront the weariness of consistently having to prove my worth/value. It is physically and mentally tiring, as well as grating on ones self esteem. Regardless of if it was requested or self-inflicted it sucks and I came to recognize I have nothing to prove accept to myself.

I sat completely by myself at ritual. I witnessed and experienced my singularity and found comfort in knowing I am one who can survive and thrive as such a singularity.



As the wicker man burned I felt released from proving myself and in the same turn felt awakened to the acceptance of self.

It isn't loss, it is physics.

I hope the physics of my gratitude grant my orbit a continued presence in the solar system it has grown within. I accept if it does not and appreciate it's gift in my life.

~TigrisSky

tigrissky: Tiger in Green Sea (starbuck)
There is a whole cosmos in our eyes.



When we pass, the Universe leaves our body, and we can truly see the physical is just a shell of the being of eternity that we always are. We can witness this transformation distinctly through the eyes of the immediately deceased. As what once displayed to us the vastness of the Universe, of conscious, of the All at the core of us becomes void, an opaque globe that no longer holds attachment to eternity.



As I held Zen in my arms, in his final moments, I experienced this void of the Cosmos as the Universe left his eyes. I spent those moments looking intently into them and seeing the painful confusion of the last moments held inside his physical form. His body was shutting down; he was afeared and yet desperate for the end to come to him.

The beautiful Universe of his big blue eyes was held in a questioning pause. I pet his head, his paws, I held him close and whispered, "Everything is going to be alright. It is all going to be fine my fat cat, my prince. It's okay ... it's okay."

I wasn't certain if he was hearing me, feeling me, or if he was just scared and suffering. In a moment though, I knew he was with me. I stopped petting his paw and he immediately reached out to me with it. He pulled at my hand with his claws and then, like a kitten, he began kneading at it with whatever strength he had left.



I am not a big crier, yet the tears welled up from his acknowledging touch. I was looking down into his eyes still, and a small smile came to me at his touch. A touch that confirmed to me that, even though his gaze seemed so distant, he was there with me and I was a comforting presence.

Zen gasped twice within this exact same moment and then his eye suddenly became an opaque gloss, void of eternity, like the frosted window in a bathroom that protects you from others seeing in while you cannot see out.



He was gone and that well of tears escaped, falling upon his now lifeless form.

"He's dead." I mumbled at Floodplain. "We don't need to go any further. We can head home now."

During the final moments with him I should have just wrapped him up and sat outside holding him in the yard he loved so much. Instead I tried desperately to get to Dove Lewis, I just wanted to give him a shot so he wouldn't be in pain anymore. Yet all he really needed was to not be alone and I am so thankful to whatever forces lined up to allow for me to be there with him in the end. Even if our last moments together where in the passenger seat of a vehicle holding onto the false hope of a helpful destination we would never reach.



It isn't like in the movies, the body begins stiffening immediately and no matter how hard you try, you cannot get the eyes to shut.

Those eyes though ... the body was Zen as I remembered him looking, yet I knew he was no longer there. His eyes were simply empty of the Universe that held his experience of being.

In those eyes his disappearance was obvious, his death was not. Zen was simply no longer held inside the physical, he had simply left the home of body. How to explain the where of his being now, I don't have the right words, I do have the understanding of Universe though, of energy, of physics, of simply knowing that nothing truly ends it simply manifests into a new form; the primordial fire of life.



So it was I would return home and immediately begin preparing a fire pit to hold the memory of my prince, my Zen. He became the center of my hearth, the most important piece of home since antiquity. The most honored and noble of places, to gather, to love, to live, to experience and create ... the fire at the center of our hearts.

It has been four days since Zen passed, the only tears were in the moment described above. There is an emptiness that I don't want to refill. I showed his body to the other pets, so they wouldn't try looking for him. Strangely enough, as we dug the pit, everyone remained gathered around it, watching. I am not certain if they knew, or if they just knew I needed them, maybe both.

I sat into the dark, watching the flames, mostly in silence. Pants laying at my side, Floodplain sitting at the other. The Ladies even sat upon their outside perch and watched the fire, while Artemis lay upon stacked paver blocks observing from upon high. The crow that hangs out with me in my garden even joined in for a few moments.

It was peaceful ... and I miss him.



~TigrisSky

tigrissky: Tiger in Green Sea (starbuck)


As my Father remembers my birth date wrong, I sit and ponder how to express what I feel in response to his early birthday greetings. "Thanks," suffices.

Feeling even more forgettable commences.

My mark on this world will be one whiney LJ left public, and some social media posts defending science that may be debunked before I die.

I play music, poorly. Yet I love it, so much so I built a church to it in my backyard.

A church I hope to spend most of my remaining forgettable days worshipping within.

Painting in more than just music. In the ideas of the past that have shaped the present and develop into the future where I am no more, yet someone still sees me. If only through the eyes of meticulously detailed influences; fine-tuned by eye and ear.

Up in the air
Fucked up on life ...


A thousand times I tempted fate
A thousand times I played this game
A thousand times that I have sinned

Today.


This song came on and my soul shouted, "LET ME OUT!" Like Joan of Arc refusing to sign her confession.

"TAKE NO MORE!"

I recognized this feeling of awakening washing over me. As if the hermit cycle was now complete and I was given the green light to step outside ... of it all ... again.

Riding like a knight into the sunset; a cowboy; the recently married young Italian emigrant woman setting sail away from everything she knows to a whole new world.

A woman who steps up on the shores of these United States like a lung-fish escaping the trappings of being "just a fish." Not knowing, but knowing, that escape is what it takes to become human some day. To be free of ownership by the sea, by tradition, by a man expecting his dowry's price. To become ...

an AMERICAN GIRL!



I AM MY OWN WOMAN!

~TigressSky

Guano

Fri, May. 22nd, 2015 11:09
tigrissky: Tiger in Green Sea (starbuck)


In all seriousness, people often confuse my passion with frustrated anger and a need to control. This hurts as my intent is never negative and my excitement, raised level of voice, and hand gestures that follow, are all part of my Italian blood. I expect the same level of passionate discourse to be returned.

All I ever want is to make the best happen.

I am always trying to make dreams come true, discovering what you want the end goal to be and devising the perfect way to make it happen! It sucks to be "put in the corner" and no longer included simply for trying to help.

Often times that is exactly what happens.

*sigh*

Oh well, eh? Gotta work on doing my own thing anyway! Make my dreams come true instead of always trying to help everyone else.

That is what it all boils down to as well, becoming selfish, just like everyone else.

Not!!!

~TigressSky

Feeling Empty

Thu, May. 14th, 2015 15:45
tigrissky: Tiger in Green Sea (starbuck)


To Feel Needed
~TigrisSky ©5-14-15

No one will notice I am gone
I should just let go of this thing
I have been holding on
For far too long
To an emptiness within
This time and place
Where I stand and wave
Goodbye

They are not coming back
It has been falling apart
Since it found its start
When she says to me
"I am done"
I realize it is with me
I am the only one
Still standing here
Waiting for a return to
Hello

They will hold her up
Cheer for her
To simply be
Near to them
No longer is it me
They need to feel
I need to feel
Love
tigrissky: Tiger in Green Sea (starbuck)

“As I look back on my life, I realize that every time I thought I was being rejected from something good, I was actually being redirected to something better.” ~ Steve Maraboli

I came across this small piece on rejection being redirection and it provided me with a sigh of recognition.

There are so many reasons why I am a catalyst of change in others life. So many reasons why I am able to cope with things being different and simply grow in new soil when needed.

These reasons are beautiful, and they are what make me unique in this world.

I use to think that being a catalyst for change in others, along with being in love with change in myself, was a bad thing, especially after spending 10 years so dedicated to one set of experiences. The longest I have ever spent devoting my passionate heart to anything! (Well maybe besides this damned job - ha!)

This 10 years of devotion had many different types of changes involved, yet there was a constant, a conformity, a need to be and fit that I had never really experienced before.

It is good to experience that in life. It can be deeply valuable to understanding love in all the many forms it rears its head in life; the beautiful to the ugly. It can also be very restrictive and limiting. I see that now.

I see a lot of things about life now.

Yet I still see and know so very little.

So very, very, little.

I know part of my writing is an aid in getting past the emotions of loss I am left with in this "redirection." Yet most of my writing is to help me focus on being present, being positive with myself, and continuing to focus on my main goal in life which has always been loving unconditionally.

~TigressSky

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