"Becoming yourself is really hard and confusing; it’s a process. It’s often not cool to be the person who puts themselves out there." ~Emma Watson
So it is, with trepidation, the Tiger in the dark is awakened.
Inspiration. Appreciation. Hope. Dreams. The ability to look to the future and believe good things will come.
I had lost this for awhile.
A long while.
What brought it back? Strangely enough the complication of the answer has amassed into one beautiful embracing whole, I often refer to as the All, others reference as God/dess, yet my Atheist heart knows quite simply as the Universe. “A human being is a part of the whole called by us universe, a part limited in time and space. He experiences himself, his thoughts and feeling as something separated from the rest, a kind of optical delusion of his consciousness. This delusion is a kind of prison for us, restricting us to our personal desires and to affection for a few persons nearest to us. Our task must be to free ourselves from this prison by widening our circle of compassion to embrace all living creatures and the whole of nature in its beauty.” ~Albert Einstein
This understanding of Universal connection remains a constant gentle reminder that life is truly a miracle - no matter how you believe that miracle came into being
. Beautiful things are happening all around us all the time and, despite what we are told, this beauty outweighs all the ugliness.
With this knowledge I am better able to turn things around. Rather than focusing my analysis on the negatives that 'could be' I am finding the positives that 'could be'. Either 'could be' so why not open my mind to all that my heart can imagine? Why not live and build my future as if the biggest dream were still just right around the corner? Who cares if the end game is constantly changing and never exactly how my heart or mind imagine? In the moment I am seeing it, in the present moment in which I am doing something small (or something BIG!) preparing for it, it exists and I am joyful! That is the point!BE HERE NOW!
The path taken is ever changing - I know this. The end point is rarely ever what was imagined. It is however the stopping of imagining that limits the future and stagnates the end point with murky waters we can never find our way out of. It is the doubt, the fear, the negative, the "this is the best that will be's", the pauses, clinging to moments, and the clinging to dying things (relationships, jobs, beliefs, physical objects, etc.) that cause this stagnation.
We sometimes have to work hard to find the stream again, to flow with the water, crash into the shore, be beaten upon the rocks, feel the sun shining down upon us, the air moving through and across us, the sand forming beneath us, the beings swimming through us - our soul moving with the Universe!
Along this journey we also have to be willing to dive into the deepness of ourselves - deeper than we every thought possible and find within ourselves those ugly, as well as beautiful, disturbing new life forms - that when brought to the surface bring out awe and wonder and maybe even a little disgust!
Some of these "creatures of the deep, deep sea" are disturbing and scary. You find them and run - or they see you and run. You have to figure them out, understand them. The fangs are not as deadly as they seem. The light they offer is not truly as bright as displayed. Still you must find them.
Along with those pieces, both ugly and beautiful, there are those that cannot be brought to the surface; they cannot survive the light. They are meant for just us - just us to know and embrace. Although maybe you will bring a few down into the abyss with you to share in the wonder. Those worthy of such a journey that is.
The depth and breadth of the journey is up to you - what are you willing to lose
In other news ...
The pedestal I had my father on crumbles whilst the hell I imagined my mother in stops burning - more from my heart as this change in the magnetic poles develops.
This image, however, is how I now imagine Hell to be for my mother. Some demon in love, carrying her about like a prize, as he does his hellish work and she baths in the light of always being just slightly above her expected caste. As it always was in life.
Speaking of life ...
Back in 2006 I became a Queen
and I was gifted a rune pendant from the outgoing Queen.
The pendant was of Raidho (the rune pictured above) and the message inscribed on the back was "transformation
." I knew the Rune well, not because I had any familiarity with Runes, but because I had picked it out.
Before the weekend even started I had gone with the reigning Queen to help her pick out a gift for the new Queen. I found the Raidho rune pendant, read the inscription, and told the Queen it would be perfect. Never really thinking that later I would be wearing it!
I wore it for a full year. Never taking it off, except to shower. It was a flat silver metal piece, the Raidho image on the front, inscripton on the back, attached by a metal ring to an adjustable hemp chord that was never untied - it had to be slipped over the head to be put on and could be adjusted to be worn as a choker. I wore it this way for a year.
Then, I passed my queendom on and as I felt the energy shift the loneliness seemed almost unbearable. I curled up in my explorer that Saturday night, alone, and through the buzz of my high I held the Raidho pendant wondering what was next for me and watched the dark trees sway until I fell asleep.
In the morning I awoke to find myself without my Raidho pendant. The hemp chord was still firmly wrapped around my neck like a choker, but the pendant was gone. I searched my car completely - tearing through my bedding and every nook and cranny possible to try and find it. I even looked at the ground all around my vehicle, just in case.
I had gone to sleep with it on and when I awoke it was gone.
I assumed it to be a sign that my Queendom was definitely over and I had successfully accomplished what I needed. I was saddened I lost the pendant because it had become so meaningful to me. Yet I assumed it was just what should happen.
Fast forward almost 8 years ... in May I spent my entire tax return getting my car fixed. I grabbed a bag and took all my CD's, paperwork, and few little nick-nacks out of my car, putting the bag of them in the spare room. I had no need to go through it as I already new everything that was in the bag and I made the assumption I would just put it all back in my car later.
The bag sat in the spare room for a month, even after my car was done. Then a day came when I really needed the bag to use for something else so I dumped everything on the spare room bed and told myself, "put this stuff away soon."
A few days later, company was coming over and would need the bed. I went through everything I had dumped on the bed and, in the last bit of stuff, which included a small handful of pennies, my Raidho rune was found!
At first I was like, "what the hell is this piece of metal ... oh my god!"
The do-do do-do ddduuuuhhhh! Music got louder in my head as I inspected it and discovered that there was absolutely no FUCKING way it could have possibly slipped off that hemp chord. No possible way.
When I had woke up that morning 8 years ago without it, the hemp chord was still wrapped around my neck like a choker. Leaving no way for the metal ring to have slipped off the hemp chord itself. Because of this, I had always assumed the metal ring had somehow opened and the pendant had fallen off. Yet here I was now, 8 years later, holding it in my hand and that metal loop was perfectly together. So tightly together in fact that I couldn't get it to come apart with my fingers if I tried! Without some sort of tool that metal ring is just not coming apart. How it was ever removed from that hemp chord will remain a mystery to me. "Remember that not getting what you want is sometimes a wonderful stroke of luck. Not everything that you desire will be necessarily good for you in the long run. If something just seems to not work out continually, in such a way that it seems almost like fate intervened, consider letting it go or coming back to it at another time. The Universe works in mysterious ways and should be trusted. Just be sure you are not mistaking your own failure as the Universe telling you something." ~Dalai Lama
I recognize something about that Rune now that I hadn't before - it has nothing to do with my Queendom or my community connection, it has always been about me; meant for me. Numerologically speaking an 8 explains
the place I find myself in now; personally. It connects well with the 8 year cycle I was in when I received it as well. "The 8 year vibration will provide the means - the personal power - with which to change the status quo and accomplish a significant goal that will alter the entire direction and quality of your journey."
Will this pendant still be with me a year from now?
I do not know.
All I do know is that right now the enormous potential of the future, (and I'm not just talking about my personal future), the Universe is splaying out in front of me is overwhelming! Giving me more questions than answers. More paths than direction. More hope than I have had in a long, long time.
I am appreciative for all I have and excited about all that will be - as I see it in this moment everything is and everything isn't and I am so lucky to be experiencing what is - for now.