tigrissky: Tiger in Green Sea (Body Kiss)

Wandering for years
Outside of self

Everything to lose
Stepping back inside

Embracing tighter
The gypsy shoes

... 10 years of Beltanes and here I remain; connected.

What am I trying to say? Sometimes the poetry mutes me through the desire to find the right words; the right way to describe an experience only I can truly comprehend. Longing for someone, anyone, to desire to see, through my eyes, the beauty in those moments when only you and I connect.

Whoever you may be ...

Sometimes a stranger smiles and quietly professes, through the crackling of flames, an announcement of power thought lost. A reminder of a time, sitting chained near the water's edge, strangers dancing in the naked flame, a tiger commanding you ...


Towards an olive grove facing the sea.

A deep breath in, the heart pushing away fear through a crescendo of palpitations. Only to find itself pressed tightly against a tiger's back. Where this moment will carry me, only the softness of a tiger's claws can ensure.

In this moment of assurance, claws brushing lightly across my fragile fingertips, holding on. I don't want to wake up; from this gift of time -- to feel, to know, to experience ...


So I simply refuse sleep.

Until the Earth finds the strength to awaken Apollo's kiss. Offering a reminder of what it is like to crawl in bed and fall in love with the Moon.

tigrissky: Tiger in Green Sea (starbuck)

My last private post was in regards to the anxiety I feel before festival, especially before Beltane. Within it I convinced myself the anxiety would not be there this time, things would be different. It was there and things were not different. Although, then suddenly, they were.

On Friday afternoon I arrived. It was nice to see everyone even though the rain was a deluge and the people I am closest too were not around. I hung out, and had a great time chatting with everyone though. Then the dark came.

In this dark I was able to finally identify my biggest anxiety at festival: saying no.

As the night came on and a bit more nudity came out I began to feel overwhelmed by being put into a situation where I would have to say no.

At that point, the worry quickens, because so many of my close friends already know the answer is always going to be no, but they still persist. I then worry about having to be more forceful with my no, and I worry what people will think if I have to be loudly and rudely forceful with my no to be heard and ensure the unwanted attention stops.

Then I wonder, if it goes that far, will my close friends be mad, maybe even be mean? Or, even something less confrontational, will they tease me?

Then I worry if the community witnessing it will think I am a rude prude? Will people never flirt or joke with me anymore because of what may be seen as my over reaction? If my friends are mad at me because of my forceful no, will they simply stop talking to me? Will the small teasing they do at times now turn merciless?

In the end it all leads to, "will I belong anymore?" "Will I be loved anymore?"

I try and keep these thoughts at bay but they are always there. It makes it hard for me to want to spend time with some of my friends who seem to push and cross boundaries more often. I do though because this is my issue and I have to get over it.

I have tried at least a few times to say how I feel to my friends. That I need to not be pushed or have boundaries crossed, but it seems to lead back every time to being told "I am fully responsible for saying no in the moment." Even though ahead of time, several times, I have said "I don't want to be in the moment" because I know it is hard for me to say no.

All of this goes on inside my head at every festival as it gets dark. I have tried staying sober and focusing my attention on the fact that I have the power and it will be easier to say no sober. That doesn't help though.

I have tried being wasted and ignoring the thoughts in my head convincing myself it will actually be easier to say no wasted. That doesn't help though.

So I leave the fire and go to bed, where it is safe, and I will not be confronted with any possibility of fucking everything up that I have and love in my life by saying, "no."

All of this is hard on my end because I am glad my friends are so happy being naked and sexy together. I have not become some hypocrite who doesn't understand and thinks the sexiness that is going on is bad. Sometimes I feel like people think I think that way. I think people may feel a bit judged that I changed this part of me and they may even go so far as to think I look down upon it now.

I don't though. I just don't want to be that way anymore. I don't mind being flirty, and joking. I don't mind hugs, and small cuddles. I don't mind people's naked bodies and honestly I wish I felt comfortable enough to be naked around the fire again too.

I wish I felt free at festival again. I wish I could be the new me - who has only stopped being a slut; nothing else has changed. And no, I do not think being a slut is a bad thing. I think being a slut, especially in a way that you are treated like a Goddess, is an empowering fucking thing.

I am currently finding empowerment in so many other areas of my life right now though. Empowerment I need and may have needed since I was a child.

Deciding to be celibate really gave me some powers I didn't know I had. Finding Floodplain, (to be pun-ey), covered me in this safe watery place I can learn. Learn like a child again.

I am seeing the world with fresh eyes. I am finding hope again. I am finding comfort in where I am. Most of all I am finding comfort in being myself again.

Except when there is anxiety.

There are a few situations in my life where I still hold anxiety, but, it is getting better.

This Friday, at festival, I returned to the fire, with friends who heard me tell them my anxiety and let me know I didn't have to stay if I didn't want to.

Suddenly everyone was hugging me around the fire. Telling me they love me. Some even letting me know they have anxiety too - some even have it for the exact same reasons! Others told me that they love me and just want whatever Tig love I am allowing myself to give; no more. I relaxed and stayed down at the fire for a long time after this attention. It was fun and I finally truly knew what it was that was giving me so much anxiety.

What I learned at this festival, sitting in that tent connecting with the women who participated in the full gamete of Women's Mysteries (and there were a LOT of fun ones this year), is that if I can fuck everything up by saying no, then I don't want to belong here anyway.

I still am scared to say no.

I still have anxiety.

I still do not feel free at festival.

Yet I know what it is I need to learn now. I know what it is I need to do. I just have to find the strength to do it. I have to find the strength to not fear what I may lose and at the same time prepare to lose.

The chant we learned during Women's Mysteries will not leave me alone ...

My body is a living temple of love
My body is a living temple of love

My body is the body of the Goddess
My body is the body of the Horned One

Oh-Oh-Oh I am what I am
Oh-Oh-Oh I am what I am

You can hear it being chanted here.

tigrissky: Tiger in Green Sea (starbuck)
"Becoming yourself is really hard and confusing; it’s a process. It’s often not cool to be the person who puts themselves out there." ~Emma Watson

So it is, with trepidation, the Tiger in the dark is awakened.


Inspiration. Appreciation. Hope. Dreams. The ability to look to the future and believe good things will come.

I had lost this for awhile.

A long while.

What brought it back? Strangely enough the complication of the answer has amassed into one beautiful embracing whole, I often refer to as the All, others reference as God/dess, yet my Atheist heart knows quite simply as the Universe.

milky way
“A human being is a part of the whole called by us universe, a part limited in time and space. He experiences himself, his thoughts and feeling as something separated from the rest, a kind of optical delusion of his consciousness. This delusion is a kind of prison for us, restricting us to our personal desires and to affection for a few persons nearest to us. Our task must be to free ourselves from this prison by widening our circle of compassion to embrace all living creatures and the whole of nature in its beauty.” ~Albert Einstein

This understanding of Universal connection remains a constant gentle reminder that life is truly a miracle - no matter how you believe that miracle came into being. Beautiful things are happening all around us all the time and, despite what we are told, this beauty outweighs all the ugliness.

With this knowledge I am better able to turn things around. Rather than focusing my analysis on the negatives that 'could be' I am finding the positives that 'could be'. Either 'could be' so why not open my mind to all that my heart can imagine? Why not live and build my future as if the biggest dream were still just right around the corner? Who cares if the end game is constantly changing and never exactly how my heart or mind imagine? In the moment I am seeing it, in the present moment in which I am doing something small (or something BIG!) preparing for it, it exists and I am joyful! That is the point!


The path taken is ever changing - I know this. The end point is rarely ever what was imagined. It is however the stopping of imagining that limits the future and stagnates the end point with murky waters we can never find our way out of. It is the doubt, the fear, the negative, the "this is the best that will be's", the pauses, clinging to moments, and the clinging to dying things (relationships, jobs, beliefs, physical objects, etc.) that cause this stagnation.

We sometimes have to work hard to find the stream again, to flow with the water, crash into the shore, be beaten upon the rocks, feel the sun shining down upon us, the air moving through and across us, the sand forming beneath us, the beings swimming through us - our soul moving with the Universe!


Along this journey we also have to be willing to dive into the deepness of ourselves - deeper than we every thought possible and find within ourselves those ugly, as well as beautiful, disturbing new life forms - that when brought to the surface bring out awe and wonder and maybe even a little disgust!

Some of these "creatures of the deep, deep sea" are disturbing and scary. You find them and run - or they see you and run. You have to figure them out, understand them. The fangs are not as deadly as they seem. The light they offer is not truly as bright as displayed. Still you must find them.

Along with those pieces, both ugly and beautiful, there are those that cannot be brought to the surface; they cannot survive the light. They are meant for just us - just us to know and embrace. Although maybe you will bring a few down into the abyss with you to share in the wonder. Those worthy of such a journey that is.

The depth and breadth of the journey is up to you - what are you willing to lose?

In other news ...

The pedestal I had my father on crumbles whilst the hell I imagined my mother in stops burning - more from my heart as this change in the magnetic poles develops.

Inside the Giant's Palm - Burning Man 2012

This image, however, is how I now imagine Hell to be for my mother. Some demon in love, carrying her about like a prize, as he does his hellish work and she baths in the light of always being just slightly above her expected caste. As it always was in life.

Speaking of life ...

Back in 2006 I became a Queen and I was gifted a rune pendant from the outgoing Queen.

The pendant was of Raidho (the rune pictured above) and the message inscribed on the back was "transformation." I knew the Rune well, not because I had any familiarity with Runes, but because I had picked it out.

Before the weekend even started I had gone with the reigning Queen to help her pick out a gift for the new Queen. I found the Raidho rune pendant, read the inscription, and told the Queen it would be perfect. Never really thinking that later I would be wearing it!

I wore it for a full year. Never taking it off, except to shower. It was a flat silver metal piece, the Raidho image on the front, inscripton on the back, attached by a metal ring to an adjustable hemp chord that was never untied - it had to be slipped over the head to be put on and could be adjusted to be worn as a choker. I wore it this way for a year.

Then, I passed my queendom on and as I felt the energy shift the loneliness seemed almost unbearable. I curled up in my explorer that Saturday night, alone, and through the buzz of my high I held the Raidho pendant wondering what was next for me and watched the dark trees sway until I fell asleep.

In the morning I awoke to find myself without my Raidho pendant. The hemp chord was still firmly wrapped around my neck like a choker, but the pendant was gone. I searched my car completely - tearing through my bedding and every nook and cranny possible to try and find it. I even looked at the ground all around my vehicle, just in case.

I had gone to sleep with it on and when I awoke it was gone.

I assumed it to be a sign that my Queendom was definitely over and I had successfully accomplished what I needed. I was saddened I lost the pendant because it had become so meaningful to me. Yet I assumed it was just what should happen.

Fast forward almost 8 years ... in May I spent my entire tax return getting my car fixed. I grabbed a bag and took all my CD's, paperwork, and few little nick-nacks out of my car, putting the bag of them in the spare room. I had no need to go through it as I already new everything that was in the bag and I made the assumption I would just put it all back in my car later.

The bag sat in the spare room for a month, even after my car was done. Then a day came when I really needed the bag to use for something else so I dumped everything on the spare room bed and told myself, "put this stuff away soon."

A few days later, company was coming over and would need the bed. I went through everything I had dumped on the bed and, in the last bit of stuff, which included a small handful of pennies, my Raidho rune was found!


At first I was like, "what the hell is this piece of metal ... oh my god!"

The do-do do-do ddduuuuhhhh! Music got louder in my head as I inspected it and discovered that there was absolutely no FUCKING way it could have possibly slipped off that hemp chord. No possible way.

When I had woke up that morning 8 years ago without it, the hemp chord was still wrapped around my neck like a choker. Leaving no way for the metal ring to have slipped off the hemp chord itself. Because of this, I had always assumed the metal ring had somehow opened and the pendant had fallen off. Yet here I was now, 8 years later, holding it in my hand and that metal loop was perfectly together. So tightly together in fact that I couldn't get it to come apart with my fingers if I tried! Without some sort of tool that metal ring is just not coming apart. How it was ever removed from that hemp chord will remain a mystery to me.

"Remember that not getting what you want is sometimes a wonderful stroke of luck. Not everything that you desire will be necessarily good for you in the long run. If something just seems to not work out continually, in such a way that it seems almost like fate intervened, consider letting it go or coming back to it at another time. The Universe works in mysterious ways and should be trusted. Just be sure you are not mistaking your own failure as the Universe telling you something." ~Dalai Lama

I recognize something about that Rune now that I hadn't before - it has nothing to do with my Queendom or my community connection, it has always been about me; meant for me.

Numerologically speaking an 8 explains the place I find myself in now; personally. It connects well with the 8 year cycle I was in when I received it as well.

"The 8 year vibration will provide the means - the personal power - with which to change the status quo and accomplish a significant goal that will alter the entire direction and quality of your journey."

Will this pendant still be with me a year from now?

I do not know.

All I do know is that right now the enormous potential of the future, (and I'm not just talking about my personal future), the Universe is splaying out in front of me is overwhelming! Giving me more questions than answers. More paths than direction. More hope than I have had in a long, long time.

I am appreciative for all I have and excited about all that will be - as I see it in this moment everything is and everything isn't and I am so lucky to be experiencing what is - for now.

tigrissky: Tiger in Green Sea (starbuck)
beltane 2013

It was 80 degrees all weekend. The event was packed. People returned whom haven't been in 7 years. It was beautiful and I, well I had an emotional breakdown.

My perfectionist over-thinking brain just gave in and at 10:30pm I found myself in bed, Pants, (that is my dogs name), laying next to me, as I contemplated why I didn't want to be there anymore.

"What is wrong with me?"

I had convinced myself to get-up early in the morning, leave right away, and not forget to decline my role in this years upcoming Fall event; because I was no longer attending.

"Festival just isn't my thing anymore." I told myself, even though I had no understandable reasons to not want to be there.

I felt crazy. I worked myself into a frenzy.

I was completely sober.

Earlier in the day I had non-ceremoniously burned all the May-pole pieces I had collected over the past 8 years - all except one. The May-pole piece my King and I cut together our out-going year remains on my alter at home.

Had I been holding on to tightly by keeping these May-pole pieces? Did burning them release me from some hold I wasn't even aware of?

Of course not! My crazy brain tried to reason that nonsense into some form of reality but, I knew better.

It was my perfectionist brain that had drove me down this path of disgruntled unbelonging, and yet my perfectionist brain COULD NOT tell me what the hell was bothering me - the "why" of it all.

I did not think anyone would notice I was gone early ... for the past 4 years no one has.

This weekend was different though, and I realized: even with all my friends are going through, in the middle of their own heartaches, without me being a piece of the moment at all, they never stop thinking about me; even though there are times we hardly interact at all.

Soon enough it was noticed I was gone; subsequently I was held, comforted, and loved.

These beautiful glowing Queens of the past said to me, "you are too hard on yourself. You do not have to be perfect. Your imperfections are exactly why you are perfect to us. We love you ... I love you."

I was blessed and my perfectionist brain was angry I had figured "it" out ... but my heart was relieved.

So what did I figure out?

There is no one in the world who hates me more than I do. No one.

Hate is a strong word, but, it fits. There is no one who judges me like I judge me. No one expects from me like I expect from me. No one pushes me like I push me. No one wants for me like I want for me.

Yes, everyone does this to some extent, but I am a champion of it.

The isolated negative incidents over the past few years had my perfectionist brain doing flips; they came at the same time as my self changing began. This made these incidents hurt me worse than normal and more confusingly. In fact, I was hurting so bad from them that my perfectionist brain was running rampant, telling me how these isolated incidents meant that the larger whole was also affected - in short, no one wanted me around anymore. I didn't belong. I was no longer good enough.

Like the T-virus; everyone was infected and soon enough all my friends would be zombies, except me; I would no longer belong.

Okay maybe a wanting to belong to the zombie crowd is a bad analogy but who cares - better than having to kill everyone you love to live alone right?

No, I agree, it is still a bad analogy but I'm sticking with it.

This weekend though, being searched out, held, told I was loved, accepted just as I am, needed just as I am, and such an intricate part of it all - no matter what, may have been just what I needed to start accepting my evolution and stop beating myself up over it.

I have felt so very grieved with myself for changing. Proud and grieved I should say; such conflicting emotions.

It is now time however, to focus on proud discovery ... hell, it always is - sometimes my brain just gets in the way!

Most of the time though, my brain is wonderful.

Spending Beltane with those I love was the most beautiful choice I could have made in discovering myself. Thank you Apollo for being there and embracing us all - and thank you to my friends and community family who love and appreciate the crazy that is me!

tigrissky: Tiger in Green Sea (Naked)
What a wet and wild weekend...

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I know Im going to forget things but here we go... )

Soon enough I was heading home. The further I got from the site the more my energy waned. I wanted to go back and just be happy and carefree with all those I loved.

I found myself wishing I would have gotten in more cuddle time with my Sexxy and Foxx. I found myself happy that I got to spend extra time with Mistress flirting and being girly. I found myself happy about the new Queen and King. Mostly I was relaxed and hurrying to get Aurora home so I could get home to my Bastard who gave me what I needed at festival, someone I know can go with me, finally.