tigrissky: Tiger in Green Sea (Marilyn Monroe Goddess)

In a past life I must have been cruel.

I do not mean a past life I can only dream. A dream in which might be recalled the love between Alexander and Hephaestion. No, not just a dream.

I mean a past life, that at times, feels like yesterday.

Days like these I find myself confronted by such a life; of my past. Seeing straight through the mask of self prepared so carefully within the depths of craved, perhaps depraved, acceptance. Leaving me to wonder what good, if any, I may or may not have provided.

In the eyes of wonder, the waves of cold doubt crash into me. Cold I use to possess. As if there was some form of self that deserved to be possessed by such cold.

A cold that forces you to crawl inside the womb of your anxieties, wrestle your demons, question your value, and die ... unto your own visions of self, repeatedly. Until the very moment there is nothing left to die unto.


Recognizing the very lack of definition with which you are born. In this life, and the next. In whatever moment you finally decide to live, that is.


The Seasons

Tue, Feb. 14th, 2017 08:20
tigrissky: Tiger in Green Sea (Marilyn Monroe Goddess)
Much of our theatrical entertainment celebrates the fantasy that the "bad" guys get their comeuppance and the "good" guys are left feeling vindicated. However much I wish to accept this portrait as some kind of truth, I cannot help but remember a key lesson, of which a major in mass communications provides; it is not the ordinary which serves to entertain but the extraordinary.

The extraordinary is also how stars explode and life forms from the dust.

Like a Phoenix from the ashes, life rises, regardless the outcome of right over wrong. You can't direct the wind, but you can adjust your sails. With love, unconditional.

You can only trust adjusting your sails as far out as the waves will take you without tossing you overboard. So it is discovered that success depends on the size of your confidence as it comes to such matters of the heart.

To deeply love is to truly see the presentation of self without condition. Conditions exist within the judgments and expectations that love just can't seem to forgive. Love, unconditional, forgives all.

Loving conditions keep the full experience of life locked, hidden, lost. The only choice left; to give up or push on.

Continue following the path which may allow you to achieve the ability to love, unconditional. Along this path confidence grows allowing the sails to carry ever farther out to sea.

Along the way we are convinced of the duality this thing called life shares with death. As if Apollo where not the sum of Dionysos, simply because one restricts while the other expands. Whom takes which role is portrayed as a seasonal affair. How quick it is forgot, the seasons are not simply determined by the the time of the year.

It is not always the dark which expands and the light which restricts. It is not always the light which expands and the dark which restricts. Growth and stagnation can be found in any direction; the wind through the sails, the fire of the heart, the crash of the waves against bare feet stepping upon the sandy shore.

So it is we are brought into this game of survival. Taught the difference between right and wrong. Given preference to life over death. Gifted the worry of legacy. Our success determined by a society running away from being. Driven by the obsession of doing. Believing that the bad guys get their comeuppance and the good guys their vindication.

Meanwhile, constant change washes over us. The good becomes bad. The bad becomes good. The forces of nature overwhelm the choice of which is current and which is dying.

Leaving us with only one truth, one choice, to stagnate or to grow.

Is this the answer? I do not know with any certainty that their even is an answer. Just choice.

tigrissky: Tiger in Green Sea (Marilyn Monroe Goddess)
There is a time where you try again, take a risk, putting one foot in front of another and step right off the edge of that cliff.

Maybe you'll fly.

Such a notion is all you need to proceed. To open the box of secrets, to eat from the sacred tree of knowledge, to let all of humanities doubts and fears escape into the world. Like Pandora, like Eve, like Ishtar and Inanna eating from the tree of knowledge and becoming the star of Venus. The star of hope. The star that leads the adventurer far from home and back again.

"When I began my journey of personal work and healing, I began to hear the word 'drama'. It addressed all the shadow, the brokenness, the emotional upheavals, the victimhood... you know what I'm talking about. It meant that this drama queen was not the 'real' me ~ but someone who was indulging in some seeking attention gimmicky behaviour.

I too picked up that word, and looked at my life as a soap opera of continuous twists and turns, highs and lows, and with great sincerity began to work to heal. Did a lot of work with my inner child. Deep gratitude to all those who supported me on my journey.

I also collected a lot of shaming messages on my way. Which I eventually learnt to give to myself. It was easy to shame me as shame has been big in my life. I began to interpret the difficult situations of my life as melodrama. Of course, sometimes, a hard shake-up does wake us up from an unconscious sleep. When I heard my behaviours being called drama and was told to get out of all that 'stuff' ... I was able to look at my life in a new way. I healed a lot of my auto-response behaviours once I understood the pattern.

Today, I can see how screwed up our body responses become through endless trauma creating experiences. Our body stores each and every memory of a fight or flight response that could not be properly executed. Our protective barriers have been breached a million times, (you know that if you are a girl travelling in public transport in India), and one simply learns to 'live with it'. So much numbing happens along the way, as our way of response gets frozen into habitual patterns.

Today, I am really sorry that I used the word 'drama' in a way that demeaned or shamed my brokenness, or any one else's brokenness. I want to deeply honour each one's life story and mine as well. I am glad I woke up to this, and apologise to anyone to whom I used this word. I am sorry."

The few quoted paragraphs above are from Sukhvindar Sircar, a woman of great respect whom I follow on Facebook. Her words came as I began writing this piece. A beneficial coincidence to the direction of my thoughts. Describing, with great analogy, the place I have been for so long now.

Yet here I am in this moment, on the precipice of transformative growth. A completion of sorts, into the beautiful bud of whatever flower I choose to become. To finally be done with time spent worrying about who I am and where I belong.

I belong nowhere.

I am variable.

This is exceedingly good knowledge. Knowledge of which I seem to periodically forget and rediscover.

A cycle completes and a Fool makes her way out into the world. Variable and heading nowhere she doesn't want to go.

Sand in her toes, awakened by the light of Venus, the star of hope, as she steps out into that ocean of night ...


All My Wishes

Fri, Aug. 14th, 2015 08:19
tigrissky: Tiger in Green Sea (starbuck)

-1 is less than zero, but for some reason it still has more substance than nothing.

Although one may not give up on others that does not stop others from giving up on one.

I'm bad at math though. My calculations are quite often off. Especially this particular calculation in which I equated myself; stubbornly. A calculation of which I believed I was the mathematician needed for solving. A calculation that actually works better minus one; myself being the one needing subtracted.

It's strange to feel the struggle finally coming to an end. Especially when it has been a struggle of years spent deeply vested. Yet, in the end, it wasn't until the moment of being nudged out, that the struggle dissipated.

In short; what I had been busy figuring, like an obsessively devoted mathematician, has finally found it's solution and that solution seems to have needed me removed to come to fruition.


As people who believe in magick stress though, "Be specific."

The solution I was solving for is discovered. I never specified I wanted the solution to include me.

I imagine this is how those before me felt. I imagine others will eventually feel the same.

So is the ebb and flow of life. Mathematically beautiful; minus one.

tigrissky: Tiger in Green Sea (Athena)
I could really use a moment of appreciation, just a small moment, even one obscure brief moment of "you are doing great". It doesnt even necessarily have to be sincere, just one moment so it doesnt feel so lonely in here, so I feel seen.

I realize that everyone would do things differently than I would, hell they would do things differently than everyone else would as well.

I realize I could do things a million different ways.

I realize that my way may not be the best way or that it may make things a little harder, or seem that way.

I realize my quirks and needs are my own and others might expect different and just not "get it".

I realize not everyone will get my point or the point and maybe I screwed up and made no point.

I realize that everyone has their own lives to live and everyone is working hard.

Somewhere in this mix however, I am seen and some how have become unapproachable, I am doing it wrong, I am including people I shouldnt, I am wasting peoples time, I am confusing everyone, I am not able to meet everyones needs, I am not changing things to go easier on everyone, I am upsetting people personally, I am pushing everyone to hard, I am not able to get everyones attention, I am not able to keep this show on the road, I am not doing it per standards, etc, etc, etc.

Somewhere in this mix I have fucked up and frustrated everyone...

I swear I have been trying my harderst to listen to everyone and I have heard everything said.

I swear I have tried to make this as simple as I can.

I swear I have heard all suggested changes and my quick no is not because I am not listening or willing to change or because the suggestion sucked and I dont care.

I swear that I can be approached with any need and I apologize if I talk so fast that it leaves a feeling as if the point isnt getting across and Im not really listening.

I swear I am listening closely and hearing all you say, Im just processing the request/suggestion now and trying to see how it will lay out in my head and Im not trying to stop you from proceeding and telling me more I am trying to see your vision as well.

I swear Im not ignoring you, I just have 12 other people vieing for my attention as well and I am trying to hear them all too.

I swear I understand some people are not attending all the time, I know that it is hard because you are and it doesnt seem fair.

I swear I am paying attention and ensuring those who cant be there know what to do and how.

I swear I have all the "stuff" together and it will be there with me and I will ensure you do not have to go hunting for it and you will not go without it.

I swear I am thinking of everyone else before myself and I am trying, trying, trying to make sure everyone is taken care of yet it is impossible for everyone to get their own way and have this work so sometimes I have to say no.

I swear I appreciate everyone and all that is being done and all the hardwork and all the suggestions and even all the griping behind my back.

It is exactly how I envisioned it, it is beautiful, fun and the message is clear. Everyone has done the most fabulous job and I am overly impressed with how it has all come together. The weekend will be full of the most fun hands on learning about the Sephirah of the Tree of Life, everyone has volunteered willingly to get things done, I cant beleive how amazing it all is going to be. I only wish I didnt feel so outside of it. I cant explain it, but its hard enough to do this let alone have everyone involved so frustrated with me. So, it is with a heavy heart I move into this weekend with the hopes that those attending get everything they can out of it and have a fabulously connecting time and that they talk about for days after. At this point thats all I can hope for, my judgement has already been laid before I even attend and I know people talk and Im a fuck-up. Oh well, cant do anything about that but just get this over with and move on.