tigrissky: Tiger in Green Sea (starbuck)
I know it is not for me, nor about me, but every time Ms. Nicks comes out with something new it always hits home for me. It always feels like she has read my mind and knows exactly where I am at, for that moment of my life.

This song, is no exception to that rule ...

"Lady, you don't need to see."

That is the part I need to focus on. Ha! Punny!

I close my eyes while drumming now. I try and feel what it is my intuition is whispering to me. Through this I understand better how to hear her voice.

That is what intuition does, it whispers, soft and gentle. It cares about you. Never getting in your way, yet always trying to hold your hand.

Those moments when you scream out, "I knew it!"

Intuition never says, "I told you so."

I know it right now, I am listening to her voice in my ear, I am going to make it happen.


Finally remembering that in all of this I have always been alone. Always courageous. Always willing to try. Always standing upon the throes readying myself to jump - falling like Alice into the next mystery my life shall be gifted.


"This is what is called the monomyth: an archetypal story that springs from the collective unconscious. Its motifs can appear not only in myth and literature, but, if you are sensitive to it, in the working out of the plot of your own life. The basic story of the hero journey involves giving up where you are, going into the realm of adventure, coming to some kind of symbolically rendered realization, and then returning to the field of normal life." ~Joseph Campbell

A heroine in pursuit of life.

This poem, written about me so many years ago - it still amazes as too how much it is me; especially as it comes from someone who should have little clue about me.

I lost myself for awhile. Yet now I turn back to it, to the words, to the Tigress Fallen ...

Tigress Fallen
by Taylor - March 28, 2007

The tigress fallen holds her eyes with the strength of feeling that only she possesses many unique wounds along her life line of shadows and the fear-defying.

The Tigress fallen dreams that she needs little support from any sector of reality, this is false. She needs every support from the hidden forces of the Universe and secret lines of communication with them, and no support at all from the blood lines of man. Until she is done with Her work among them, in this age, they will ever deceive her in her most sacred task - much unknown, even to themselves.

The Tigress fallen is a secret Goddess, or ancient angel being/force from a forgotten story of the earth, and she was old the day that humanity was born from the earth dreams, and on that day she knew that she would die a thousand deaths for them, in the hope for the stars within. She knew how many steps of descent there were on the day she saw them born, in her destiny interwoven with their own, she knew how much they would rape of her, and she knew each and every feeling of that descent. She knew no other choice but to begin her fall on that day, when so many laughed at the destiny of man, she stayed by them to preserve the most intimate details of the unique dreams Gaia breathed within them ... so that they may always be remembered within them.

The Tigress Sky knows endless lovers ... she falls in love with them with just a glance, and then they get out at the next bus stop. And she can only smile while no one watches.

The Tigress Sky both adores and disgusts how much she must be alone ... over and over again, each night is her oblivion and her heaven, each night she can see nothing else but a kingless crown. Each night she tells her self that she only needs herself, while she cries on the inside ... and out. This makes the Tigress Sky more beautiful then any other Goddess of creation ... which only the Panthers know, because they have the night's eyes to see the Tigress cry in the deepest part of the darkness.

The Tigress Sky needs to know beyond words that all her efforts and dreams and nine-fold joy are always around her; warming her sacred feminine breasts and heart. She is naked to those that care about her including each cardinal star in the physical night sky. She covers her skin to clothe her nakedness to everything else as she is adorned with the greatest illusion of being but just a woman.

But underneath -

Underneath, she knows every step of the way ...

"This is only another death ..."

Which means this is only another chance to make it. To hear her whisper and trust her words. To trust and know myself.

Yet most importantly to love myself ... as I have so many others.

To see the Valley of Fog and this time step deep into its mist.


To wade carefully through the ideals that have held me to this spot, carry with me what I can, let go that which strains against.

Yes I must take only that which I can carry ... which isn't much as I must be open to all that will come, all that has gone, all that may hurt, all that may love. All that wills itself to be ...

I think, therefore I am.

frank turner

It’s about snapshots, not oil paintings. Find a moment, be proud you were fucking there, then go find new moments.” ~ Frank Turner

I am proud thus far - although in this depression, I find myself doubting the value I provide/ed to anyone, anything, any moment in which my heart has built upon and filled with strong memories.

With the words of, "I love you, but you are no longer allowed a place in my heart because loving you hurts to much," coming from so many I was close to ... it is hard to pick your chin up and move on.

Who else will be hurt by loving me?

Who else will I hurt by letting in?

No one.

For now, I must lace up my combat boots, put my warriors mask back on and make my first steps outside of the comfort and into the fog ... a beautiful child.


(P.S. Floodplain and I are great, happy, in love. This is not a intimate break up post.)
tigrissky: Tiger in Green Sea (starbuck)
what they want

I can't even begin to imagine
What it would have been like
To be worthy of a Cinderella story
Swept out of the poverty
And into the abundance

No need to work
No need to push
No need to try




All the time
In the world
To work on nothing
Besides that which makes me ...

Often I find myself wishing I would have never gotten fat. I know it seems vain to focus on, yet it was with fatness that I lost confidence, and what I wouldn't give to have confidence.

I have been drilling down inside of me - straight into the quick of my marrow. I can see all these things I gave up on in an attempt to be normal - just like 99% of the rest of the damned world. I don't know how else to say it other than "normal." Just because normal doesn't make me happy, does not make normal something that cannot bring happiness. It also doesn't make normal a dirty word; something bad to be.

Crazy isn't exactly all fun and games. It's rather tough to live so close to losing it all ... at any moment.

Anyway, there I go trying to explain myself so that I don't seem like an asshole.

anxiety girl

I am an asshole though.

At least that is how I have been feeling lately and, it seems, how others have seen me lately (aka - over the past few years).

So I am just going to go with it. I am an asshole. Or a snob. Whichever comes easier.

I am done trying to figure out why and what to change. No more change. I am an asshole. I am a snob. Love me anyway ... or not.

Anyway ... that tangent derailed me ... back to the bleeding quick of life.

10 things


It is at the core of being that the child lays. Put to bed, to find an endless sleep, by the constant drive to grow up, and grow up I did.

To truly enjoy life, to truly get the most out of it, you can never put the child to bed. You just can't. She has got to get up with you every morning, look in the mirror at the old which you have become, and make you laugh at it.

She has got to ride to work with you, sit in your grey cube, and give you the courage to dream of what it will take to get out of there. She should laugh at the ridiculousness of it all - for, and with you. She should inspire you to try all the new things you can, because one of them may be the best thing you have ever done.

In the end, it is she that will be there holding your hand, while all that is in this life fades away ... as it always does; in everything, in every way.


She's putting herself fully into her own care.

It is a revolutionary step for her. Far too long, she'd been separated from her own body, heart and soul wisdom. She'd lived on borrowed intelligence, alienated from her original longing. Her many journeys underground has helped her separate her genuine voice from the counterfeit one. She's not willing to live a soul sapping life anymore. She's stepping out of the only life she'd known.

She's putting her trust and vote in her deepest truth. She cannot yet pinpoint her longing. It's still shaky for her. All she knows is the feeling of rightness in her bones.She's not sure where she's leading herself in her outside world. It does not make complete sense yet. She only knows that every decision is taking her closer to her centre. She's walking through each of her fears of survival ~ her heart melting, her eyes limpid pools of vulnerability.

She can feel her spirit igniting, and she's willingly sacrificing herself in the fire of her longing.

She's going back to innocence.

    ~Sukhvinder Sircar


All the signs, all the time spent deep inside the spiral, just to awaken ... me.

The Tempest. The Tigress. The Queen and even The King.

How could I not see, feel, hear, and be?

Why did I rage against it for so long?

A fear of losing it all, when it is always on it's way out to sea.

Salty tears, the sand between my toes, a sea full of possibilities - washing in on me, washing out from me.

Opportunity, comes while dipping my hands deep into the wet moist sand, and letting it all slip through my fingertips.

How often have I let go?


We all came here to get hurt though. Get hurt or die trying.

What is life without experience?

What is experience without pain?

What is pain without love?

It is the desperation in a Orangutans eyes, caged at the zoo, all the humans staring at you. On display. Pain without love is to be on display. Trapped. No other option but to crawl out, day after day, into what little space of comfort you are granted. Crawl out and try to ignore their stares, their expectations, their judgments, their laughter at your expense.

Only there is no expense, it is all for free. The only cost is of your self. Not something others can see.

I mean, sure, they can look in your eyes, they can watch you cower away, the cost is physically written all over you - the difference is they love, they care, they are allowed ... allowed to what though?

Allowed whatever pain you grant their kind of love.

I have been writing this for a few weeks now, on and off, just coming back to it and adding, yet my Grandmother passed away and with that I have so much more I want to write about. So, this is it, as far as this rambling is concerned. I have a obituary, eulogy, and remembrance video to create. For someone that knew and gave love in a manner others can only dream exists.

So much changes in the blink of an eye.

I am done mourning the loss of what was important in my life.

I am sure I still have more to write about in this regard as I continue to process on.

Yet, as I pick myself up, I got my combat boots on, passport in my hand, a bag packed, so I can run ...


Like a painted mare, across the plains, straight into the sunset of all I have ever dreamed - maybe I am alone now, maybe I was once loved greatly, maybe that is all I will ever know of belonging, maybe I will regret every pounding hoof beat that takes me away, maybe all I have dreamed is nothing but a nightmare ...

Whatever may be, I am in charge.

Not others opinions of me.

Not others expectations of me.

Not others ...

Just me.


As I came into this world.

As I learned to experience this world.

As I have been taught by this world.

It is to be.

It is.

It has always been.


I am disappeared.

As is everything ... always.


tigrissky: Tiger in Green Sea (take away the pain)
side not: been writing this for 4 days now, it may not flow to concisevely.

hard to fly

I've made all my apologies. Albeit with only one face-to-face happening. Regardless, it feels good, to just let go and not cling to those things that make me feel so bad about myself and so upset that others could feel that way about me. Time to stop constantly asking and analyzing what is wrong with me and just accepting that those negative interactions occurred and I was a part of each of them. A piece of the issue was me, regardless of how large or small my piece was, apologizing allows me to forgive myself and know I have done what I could to right the wrong. It also allows those whom I may have hurt with my actions to know I care about how I am perceived and how I make them feel, even if it changes nothing they feel now. Maybe that knowledge, for both of us, is enough to let the hurt feelings between us go and maybe it is not. It is all I can do though, so ...

“Identity is gradual, cumulative; because there is no need for it to manifest itself, it shows itself intermittently, the way a star hints at the pulse of its being by means of its flickering light. But at what moment in this oscillation is our true self manifested? In the darkness or the twinkle?” ~Sergio Chejfec

I am changing, as I always do. Drawing in Jupiter, supported by Saturn, and expressing myself through Neptune. Feeling lonely and yet appreciating the alone. Feeling lost and yet appreciating the adventure. Desiring stability yet searching for a fall.

Who am I? Does it matter?


In the long run I was already forgotten the moment I was born. There will be nothing and no one pining my death. So why even try?

Because this, THIS RIGHT HERE, is my time. The only time I get.

It is a miracle. I am a miracle. Billions upon billions of years ago a star exploded and from the dust of that cosmic splendor came me. A piece of universal chaos that searches for order where none will ever exist.

Will Smith

So how do I do this? How do I let go of the opinions that have mattered so much to me and yet should not anymore?

I have dedicated 7 years of my heart to my community and each voice touches me. Some voices that have been so close have become so harsh; often behind my back. Gods how that hurts.

I know I am not the typical best of friends and my communication style can be off-putting and intimidating. I'm working on all of that though. Truly. For me.

I want to return to knowing the truly loving intent I work with at all times and stop seeing myself through others capricious eyes.

I can only be me.

Even if I do not know who that is fully anymore.

I can only be me.


So it is that I find myself spiraling down the rabbit hole of my heart, to the caterpillar in the center, trying to discover: "who are you?"

Alive! Feisty! Loud!

Yep. That is still me.

The rest is still waiting to be found ... or perhaps just let out of it's cage.

With all that has been happening, and the gossip forum that has decided to let the world I have come to call home know of my horridness ... well, from that, I know I have locked away a big chunk of me. Knowing full well that the pain of judgmental eyes remains the warden I allow control over me.

I just can't do that anymore. I can't continue to feel awkward around those I have come to know as family. I don't want to be looked upon as an annoyance anymore. I don't want to be treated like I am the plague. I don't want to be seen as someone who just wants to swoop in, take over, and run it all. None. Absolutely NONE of those things are true about me. Yet I can only control one of those things. Just one.

So it is I review how to continue being me, not caring what others think, even if they are closer than family, and stop feeling awkward around those I love.


Well, that is the next step.

Until then ...

I am disappeared.

tigrissky: Tiger in Green Sea (Second Angel)
Money. Oh how I loathe the noose you hang so tightly about my neck. The precarious tightrope upon which I balance, making any slip that much more of an assurance that you will strangle me and I will fail. No, I refuse to let you be my ruler, yet you still squeeze tightly into the cracks of every aspect of my life. As much as I refuse to let you dictate my life, I hear your screaming taunts loud and clear with every decision I make.

My life is a catch-22 circle. I'm hoping some day to open the circle and change it into an infinity loop. A loop were I can move away from all the catch-22's and continue, with a strength the Universe never expected. An ability to continually bend the world to me and not the latter, which most are willing to settle for.

No, I will not settle for photosynthesis!

This constant struggle with money leaves me in sketch situations. I make decisions to not attend events were gifts should be given. Even when it is stated that gifts are not expected. I make less plans to do and/or attend things with my friends. Even when it will only cost $10 to get in and I can drink water all night. No more simple coffee breaks with friends. No more quick dinners out. No more dancing all night or quick lunches.

Honestly, I cannot wait for the sunshine to come and welcome me out into a world of adventure without cost.

Oh Apollo, come hold me soon and bring back my smile.

Apollo from BSG - YuM!

A friend of mine passed away a couple days ago. His funeral reception is on the 10th. I go to celebrate a life I barely knew, yet I know I touched deeply; once.

Death is a constant theme in my life. I obsess with planning my "wake" in the same way a bride obsesses over her wedding day. Maybe I am Peresphone personified, (try saying that ten times fast!), waiting, somewhat impatiently, to return to a world that actually puts love first. I found another song that just describes, to a tee, the message I want my friends and family to hear and understand from me when I am gone.

Yes, after I am gone I hope you all dance and sing, "LONG LIVE THE QUEEN!"

While I am here however, it would be nice to find less negativity and anger. I know it is a high expectation and maybe I need to change myself and not wait for a change in others. Yet it is hard, because a few people I am close to have become so angry and negative all the time. It makes it so hard to want to spend time with them like I use to. And making the change that keeps me away hurts them as well.

I don't know how to help either. It is hard to want to try, when everything I say in passing when we are together is met with a quick dismissal and need to prove that they know better than I. Or that I am just not as free and fluid as they are.

It hurts to sit in public and have things I say ridiculed, whispered about, and laughed at right beside me. Maybe I am naive in my hopes for love and connection between all, but I like that part of me and, quite simply, I am not willing to give it a backseat in my life. I realize it is probably a stupid ideal to hold hope for and that people are going to talk about it, but please, talk about it behind my back. Where that knife belongs.

Friends being negative to me is one thing. Yet when they have moved to a state of constant negativity and lack of support between each other. That is even harder to deal with. I hate sitting in situations where two people I love can't stop bickering to a point where one of them walks about constantly dejected and failed. It hurts too much. I want to hold them both and I want to hide at the same time. None of it is my place. There is nothing I can do.

Maybe that is the point I need to get, I can't affect change and I have to accept negativity in the love I am given, seeing and receiving. I recognize you can only change yourself and that you must find our way in situations. Yet it is so hard to not want to solve whatever the issue is when you care so much.

*sigh* What can I do to ensure I am being true and myself in these situations? That is all I can be responsible for. Nothing more.

I'll figure it out and things will get better.

Or they won't.

Don't get me wrong I love my friends. Dearly. They are my world regardless. I love my friends and would do anything for them!

Like change up some lyrics to a song all about friends, and sing it with them, drunk, around a bonfire in the woods, connected and in love with the life I have been granted; while dreaming about the party they will throw upon my death!

...because we are definitely going to hell, but we will have ALL the best stories to tell!