To Doubts

Fri, Mar. 24th, 2017 22:41
tigrissky: Tiger in Green Sea (Marilyn Monroe Goddess)
Awakening
~TigriSky, March 24, 2017

Back in your arms again, and all I can think is why?
Can't I make this happen?
Can't I?

The voice of doubt
The devil on the wing of my plane
Looking in as I sit in the cockpit
Wondering if anyone is really there
Or is it all really just this breath
Before I am lost in the motor cortex

Back in your arms again, and all I can think is why?
Can't I make this happen?
Can't I?

The voice of reason
Professes all of the treasonous ways
In which this plane won't even get off the ground
If I don't even try to see it through
To this mistake and then the next
So just take in this deep breath
Get lost in the motor cortex

Back in your arms again, and all I can think is why?
Can't I make this happen?
Can't I?

The voice of jealousy
Screams it's applause of the failures
Brought to a table of cards
Dealt by an established King and Queen
Since when do peasants step foot
In such monarchy

Back in your arms again, and all I can think is why?
Can't I make this happen?
Can't I?

The voice of beauty whispers
Sweet nothings of the transformation
From pupae to birth of a butterfly
Slipping from the sins of the truth
Slithering on the belly of nature
Until one day you spread your wings
You can fly

You can fly
tigrissky: Tiger in Green Sea (Marilyn Monroe Goddess)
This is one of the first Lucero songs I learned to strum.



Seeing this youthful vision makes me nostalgic for a time when life seemed more crowded in the dualities of love and loneliness. A time when there was always a friend to drink with and a shoulder to lean on. Not much of that time can be found anymore.

I don't rightly know all the reasons why, I know a few though. Change is inevitable and love can weary the heart. Oh but how I have loved.

~TigrisSky
tigrissky: Tiger in Green Sea (Marilyn Monroe Goddess)


In a past life I must have been cruel.

I do not mean a past life I can only dream. A dream in which might be recalled the love between Alexander and Hephaestion. No, not just a dream.

I mean a past life, that at times, feels like yesterday.

Days like these I find myself confronted by such a life; of my past. Seeing straight through the mask of self prepared so carefully within the depths of craved, perhaps depraved, acceptance. Leaving me to wonder what good, if any, I may or may not have provided.

In the eyes of wonder, the waves of cold doubt crash into me. Cold I use to possess. As if there was some form of self that deserved to be possessed by such cold.

A cold that forces you to crawl inside the womb of your anxieties, wrestle your demons, question your value, and die ... unto your own visions of self, repeatedly. Until the very moment there is nothing left to die unto.

Awakening.

Recognizing the very lack of definition with which you are born. In this life, and the next. In whatever moment you finally decide to live, that is.

~TigrisSky

The Seasons

Tue, Feb. 14th, 2017 08:20
tigrissky: Tiger in Green Sea (Marilyn Monroe Goddess)
Much of our theatrical entertainment celebrates the fantasy that the "bad" guys get their comeuppance and the "good" guys are left feeling vindicated. However much I wish to accept this portrait as some kind of truth, I cannot help but remember a key lesson, of which a major in mass communications provides; it is not the ordinary which serves to entertain but the extraordinary.

The extraordinary is also how stars explode and life forms from the dust.

Like a Phoenix from the ashes, life rises, regardless the outcome of right over wrong. You can't direct the wind, but you can adjust your sails. With love, unconditional.



You can only trust adjusting your sails as far out as the waves will take you without tossing you overboard. So it is discovered that success depends on the size of your confidence as it comes to such matters of the heart.

To deeply love is to truly see the presentation of self without condition. Conditions exist within the judgments and expectations that love just can't seem to forgive. Love, unconditional, forgives all.

Loving conditions keep the full experience of life locked, hidden, lost. The only choice left; to give up or push on.

Continue following the path which may allow you to achieve the ability to love, unconditional. Along this path confidence grows allowing the sails to carry ever farther out to sea.

Along the way we are convinced of the duality this thing called life shares with death. As if Apollo where not the sum of Dionysos, simply because one restricts while the other expands. Whom takes which role is portrayed as a seasonal affair. How quick it is forgot, the seasons are not simply determined by the the time of the year.

It is not always the dark which expands and the light which restricts. It is not always the light which expands and the dark which restricts. Growth and stagnation can be found in any direction; the wind through the sails, the fire of the heart, the crash of the waves against bare feet stepping upon the sandy shore.

So it is we are brought into this game of survival. Taught the difference between right and wrong. Given preference to life over death. Gifted the worry of legacy. Our success determined by a society running away from being. Driven by the obsession of doing. Believing that the bad guys get their comeuppance and the good guys their vindication.

Meanwhile, constant change washes over us. The good becomes bad. The bad becomes good. The forces of nature overwhelm the choice of which is current and which is dying.

Leaving us with only one truth, one choice, to stagnate or to grow.

Is this the answer? I do not know with any certainty that their even is an answer. Just choice.

~TigrisSky
tigrissky: Tiger in Green Sea (Marilyn Monroe Goddess)


2017 quickly approaches, allowing a moment to reflect on the numerologically defined "9" this year has definitely been. I can only nod my head, in a form of acceptance and, perhaps a bit of appreciation, for the way it all played out. As a sort of initiation into the questionable form our human civilization is divisively taking towards becoming ...

Speaking of becoming; now is also a time to reflect upon the person I became in 2016. As well as postulate hopeful scenarios of the person I wish to become in 2017. How resolutely I succeed in accomplishing my "becoming" is affected directly by my willingness to change the reflections of that which "became" me.

artemis and apollo barry windsor smith.jpg

I am taken back six months, to a reflection from my birthday, of which the following seems relevant to share in order to understand my resolve for 2017.

"I am the artist of my truth, my wisdom, my experience and I do not intend to forget the pictures I have created along the way. Some of them bolder and louder than others. All of them a reflection of my creation myth.

A myth that started 39 years ago in a different time, in a different place. The history of which has ridden a wave of historic change in which I have had zero affect in shaping.

I am simply human. Part of a species advancing phenomenally as a whole. If such advancement, of a single species, to the detriment of so much around it, is to be considered a phenomenon. Which, even within my cynicism, I am left feeling is phenomenal. Knowing, in the grand scheme of the Universe, the Earth is but a tiny speck of dust, and the human species barely of microscopic consequence.

Yet, at the same time, we are the Universe experiencing itself. We are made of the stars, born of the sun and moon, birthed by an Earth mother that has created the perfect environment in which such a species can thrive. An environment in which we can learn, manipulate, and create through nothing more complex than a simple quiet moment in observance of nature.

It is in those silent moments that I am most grateful. Grateful for the experience becoming absolutely nothing more than a momentary microscopic breathe, on a cosmic speck of floating dust, in the vastness of a Universe I cannot even comprehend a minuscule fraction of, has granted me.

If you are reading this, it most likely granted me you.

No matter how briefly or incompletely I have loved and I have been loved. Unabashedly. Luckily. Sometimes even miserably. Only the Gods them self are able to comprehend, in one brief vision, the overall importance in such love."


On top of the vanity of the 20 pounds I vow to lose, this knowledge is what I vow to build from and upon in 2017.

To remain grateful for whatever amount of love for me exists in this world; in the hearts of those who keep me in their life, in whatever way they may choose to keep me.

To remain silent and observant to the nature of the world around me and the self that is developing within.

To attempt to paint some masterpieces worth remembering, even if they are heartbreaking, and most especially if they are love making!

To remember I am simply stardust, experiencing the Universe, as a form of life sculpted of the Mother known as Earth, guided by an invisible Father called Time; and, in spite of this travesty, I will continue to try and become more anyway!

Happy New Year!




With much love,
~TigrisSky

Budding

Sat, Dec. 31st, 2016 13:00
tigrissky: Tiger in Green Sea (Marilyn Monroe Goddess)
These many years spent, inventing, investing, invigorating, all to the benefit of a thief. She who could not comprehend what made the treasure she now possessed of such value. In broad daylight, in front of everyone, aided by some; looking straight into your eyes, shaking your hand with a smile, as if receiving rather than taking.

What was never yours to begin with.

None of it ever is.

Often, children are not given the credit in knowing the world for what it really is - chaos. We become stronger, more independent beings, because of this chaos, not in spite of it. While those sheltered are the first and most easily deceived by it. Consumed by the desire to reach a perfection chaos simply can never allow. Creating nothing more than a life of missed moments, that could have been spent, reveling in disorder and imperfection.

Out of darkness comes life.

Of course it hurts.

~TigrisSky ©December 31, 2016

The Unknowns

Sat, Nov. 12th, 2016 17:55
tigrissky: Tiger in Green Sea (Marilyn Monroe Goddess)


I like it here, in the past. Where just the right song unleashes an energetic flood within. Where the ignorance of youth struts through the world carrying an invisible guarantee of future ownership. Where death is just an imagined scenario of attendance and guessing how many hearts will be broken. On good days that is. On bad days it is simply a struggle to discover reasons to bother staying. Trying to believe it is their jealousy and not your inadequacy that entices such behavior. If you were not about to be King you might just give up.

Perhaps Alzheimers will not be all that bad. Living here, if I can just keep remembering here, I can stay here. Right? Believing I am a little girl, out in the woods alone, the big bad wolf by my side and a Mighty Mouse at my beckon call. It will be beautiful. Except in the awake moments. Offered a reality of an unknown old woman staring at me in wonder. Not knowing how I got into this body, this room, surrounded by all these unknowns.

When did I end up so alien? Sitting upon this spec of dust brought to life by the eye of Apollo. I know I was born this way, not yesterday, yet I wasn't bought or sold this way. All those half baked ideas on the cover of magazines teaching me exactly what I never could be. Those were the always and never of everything I was promised I would be. If I just, if I just, if I just ... turn to dust.

All that can be afforded in a time none bare witness until some bare ignorance. Laying claim that she is in the river when we all know she is of the land. A Virgo to be precise; if you ever wonder why it is that I analyze. Everything and nothing in the lies.

To make sense of it all is, at times, the most tiring thing. Forced to predict the facts of the outcome desired. Preparing for the redemption of the choice before it is ever made. A ladies prerogative presented to enhance the darkness. Sometimes it is hit, sometimes it is miss. It all depends. Just how long can you hold your own against the antagonists hatred of self. Before reaching the moment of awaited failure certain to see your rage.

Yet maybe if I just turn the page. Or the volume up on this song and the next. I can remember riding the bus next to him. What it felt like to be Queen of the backseat with clothes on. His eyes speaking the truth of a broken heart. His lips professing such strength on his part. Letting me go.

Nowhere but here, in this moment, does it matter where I came from. You can stick tape on the ends of the cassette tape and record over it all. Playing the radio, collecting the songs you can't afford to buy. Pausing to skip the advertisements of a life never to be recorded in the history where anyone looks.

by TigrisSky
©November 12, 2016
tigrissky: Tiger in Green Sea (Marilyn Monroe Goddess)
The Wonder
by TigrisSky ©October 30, 2016

The wonder of smiles
Casting black clouds of doubt
Over ignorant hearts
Beating strong just the same

Nothing can stop you
From gaining the knowledge
The truth is in playing
Not winning the game

Which always ends
In nothing
But dreamers
Closing their eyes

To chance
That in this one
Moment in time
All life will start

To make sense
Out of fears
That come
With the territory

Of gypsy heart
Of native mind
A shaman expands
All visions beyond

Horizons to reach
Pasts to dispel
Myths to create
Fires to ignite

Passions to explore
Ecstasy at levels
Beyond this base
We sit upon

Earth
And wonder
How it all began
To end

tigrissky: Tiger in Green Sea (Marilyn Monroe Goddess)
the return
by TigrisSky ©October 20, 2015

running through the red
empty veins become
chasms of canyon land

where the water use to flow
before it all got so heated
during that winter parade

of passionate answers
to cries never spoken
a demon

stration of how
easy it is to be
replaced

pass
her
bye

close my eyes
wonder why
anything and everything

has come
and gone

and gone
and come

again
impossible

a canyon gutted heart
lay tranquilly exposed
to the flood

of polar ice caps
melting under the sun
of this climate change

an empty sky
holds tight
the circling bird of prey

whose wings hold aloft
the dreams of someday
that comes

today
and leaves
tomorrow

flying south for the summer
flying north for the winter

stuck east or west
of forever

is a dream
only humanity
could hold on to


You

Thu, Oct. 13th, 2016 09:06
tigrissky: Tiger in Green Sea (Marilyn Monroe Goddess)
There are moments of wailing misery that haunt every day, every heart beat, from that moment forward. Moments where the whiskey makes any sideways glance a miracle of chance. That maybe, just maybe, you can forget it all ... with a song.

Making believe you dance in the sun.

Doesn't mean anything to anyone.

Until one day it does.

So you can keep waiting or push on.

And on.

And on.

Yet still, there is that song. Expressing a desperation to find ... anything but this mistake and the next. That he thinks is about him and she thinks is about us and only he knows is about the one who had to be let go; or else.

Balance of the echelon could not be achieved in the matrix once Neo awoke.

So long ago laid to rest. No assumptive resurrection, just last words, and last chance. No longer time for my dance.

Just step aside, step aside. More important people to see.

You were never real to begin with, so just let go, it shouldn't be hard.

Except when it is.

Getting so use to falling; so far, so fast, the wind knocked right out of your sails. Cut to your smile, "That's a wrap," let's all move on.

Without you.

That is where it all starts.

Without you one can do nothing more than find ... you.

Without you one can do nothing more than desire ... you.

Without you the miracle of life is simply to live.

It's time to forgive.

It's time to forget.

You.

~TigressSky

tigrissky: Tiger in Green Sea (Marilyn Monroe Goddess)
There is a time where you try again, take a risk, putting one foot in front of another and step right off the edge of that cliff.

Maybe you'll fly.

Such a notion is all you need to proceed. To open the box of secrets, to eat from the sacred tree of knowledge, to let all of humanities doubts and fears escape into the world. Like Pandora, like Eve, like Ishtar and Inanna eating from the tree of knowledge and becoming the star of Venus. The star of hope. The star that leads the adventurer far from home and back again.

"When I began my journey of personal work and healing, I began to hear the word 'drama'. It addressed all the shadow, the brokenness, the emotional upheavals, the victimhood... you know what I'm talking about. It meant that this drama queen was not the 'real' me ~ but someone who was indulging in some seeking attention gimmicky behaviour.

I too picked up that word, and looked at my life as a soap opera of continuous twists and turns, highs and lows, and with great sincerity began to work to heal. Did a lot of work with my inner child. Deep gratitude to all those who supported me on my journey.

I also collected a lot of shaming messages on my way. Which I eventually learnt to give to myself. It was easy to shame me as shame has been big in my life. I began to interpret the difficult situations of my life as melodrama. Of course, sometimes, a hard shake-up does wake us up from an unconscious sleep. When I heard my behaviours being called drama and was told to get out of all that 'stuff' ... I was able to look at my life in a new way. I healed a lot of my auto-response behaviours once I understood the pattern.

Today, I can see how screwed up our body responses become through endless trauma creating experiences. Our body stores each and every memory of a fight or flight response that could not be properly executed. Our protective barriers have been breached a million times, (you know that if you are a girl travelling in public transport in India), and one simply learns to 'live with it'. So much numbing happens along the way, as our way of response gets frozen into habitual patterns.

Today, I am really sorry that I used the word 'drama' in a way that demeaned or shamed my brokenness, or any one else's brokenness. I want to deeply honour each one's life story and mine as well. I am glad I woke up to this, and apologise to anyone to whom I used this word. I am sorry."

The few quoted paragraphs above are from Sukhvindar Sircar, a woman of great respect whom I follow on Facebook. Her words came as I began writing this piece. A beneficial coincidence to the direction of my thoughts. Describing, with great analogy, the place I have been for so long now.

Yet here I am in this moment, on the precipice of transformative growth. A completion of sorts, into the beautiful bud of whatever flower I choose to become. To finally be done with time spent worrying about who I am and where I belong.

I belong nowhere.

I am variable.

This is exceedingly good knowledge. Knowledge of which I seem to periodically forget and rediscover.

A cycle completes and a Fool makes her way out into the world. Variable and heading nowhere she doesn't want to go.

Sand in her toes, awakened by the light of Venus, the star of hope, as she steps out into that ocean of night ...



~TigrisSky
tigrissky: Tiger in Green Sea (Dark Beauty)
This question could be asked in regards to my journal. Yet the hearts esoteric connection to self is what brings it into being.

I have spent the best years of my life being a part of it all; forgetting the importance of simply being me.

Since the beginning the way forward has always been lead by a continuous search for deep connection.

Waste of time.

Since the beginning the way forward has always been unwaveringly directed by a revisionist soul.

A soul obsessively devoted to love.

Such a contradictory predicament; life. Ushering you in with all the feminine strength this world can muster. Indoctrinating you with all the masculine ego this world can sell.

Every now and again a life preserver can be found keeping it all afloat. Yet if you never let go and swim; well, even salt water surrounded with sharks can feel safe if you get comfortable enough holding on.

Hold on long enough you will forget anything you ever dreamed of.

Hold on long enough you will forget how to dream.

Spend enough time drowning and eventually you won't need air to breath.

Some days I am ready to stop breathing.

Right now I try and remember how to dream ...

~TigrisSky

tigrissky: Tiger in Green Sea (Twilight Siberian Tiger)


The Boss has always know where I come from and how hard it is there. His lyrics a display of those of us who come from the wrong side of the tracks. The side that knows the truth of the world, while desperately desiring to be on the right side with the ignorant.

Ignorance is bliss.

Who ever said bliss was the key?

This year I plan to make my own bliss!

Here is to a 2016 filled with accomplishments!!!

~TigrisSky
tigrissky: Tiger in Green Sea (starbuck)
I am not certain whether to count this past moontime as 3 weeks late or I missed a month and am 1 week early. I will find out for sure next week, depending on if I start my moontime as expected or not then.

I asked the doctor about this at the beginning of the year, she took some blood and nothing more came from it.

I'm 38. It doesn't seem like menopause should be hitting me so early. Perhaps it is.

I know I definitely do not want children, because even when I spend some time pining a little, soon enough I am thankful for my freedom. I mean come the fuck on, if my dog and cat didn't talk to me they would starve to death! Although I suppose a baby screams and talks eventually to.

I kinda just want to be done with the whole moontime thing. Yet at the same time I know the coming end is a sign of aging, a loss of a part of me that once had the opportunity to bring forth something in this world, a loss of a part of me that was once desirable and intriguing, a step towards being seen less and less, not to mention becoming worth less and less, to the world around me ...



I have done nothing of value to confront my disappearance altogether.

Teaching myself to cope with slowly being altogether forgotten sucks, but is necessary.

On the flipside, pushing myself to do something of value is a crazy motivator. One that, with age, contains a willingness to take less risk while offering an incentive towards adventurous workings of creative skill and imagination to fucking pull something off. Like an assignment I have waited until the last minute to start working on.

Now I just have to figure out how to tell the "fraud police" to fuck off -- they seem to be the keepers of the 'you can't do the thing, you are such a fake no nothing nobody' keys I remain caged within.

Either or, I will eventually simply just disappear from this world - in one instance I will be easily forgettable, in another, perhaps I will be immortal; or at least my memory will out live me.

~TigrisSky
tigrissky: Tiger in Green Sea (starbuck)
Can't sleep.

Tom Petty is keeping me awake.




Yeah I am wrestling with my overcoat
Yeah I'm fighting with my thoughts
I'm gonna trust my intuition
I'm gonna hope I don't get lost

For some time I've been lonely
Now I'm to weak to fight

I've been waiting for tonight




Yeah, I've been waiting for tonight.

No longer anything
Not even a hope
To not get lost
Inside Pandora's box

Stepping out
Head held on high
This may take me nowhere
Or everywhere I ever meant to go

Yeah, I've been waiting for tonight

~TigrisSky

All My Wishes

Fri, Aug. 14th, 2015 08:19
tigrissky: Tiger in Green Sea (starbuck)


-1 is less than zero, but for some reason it still has more substance than nothing.

Although one may not give up on others that does not stop others from giving up on one.

I'm bad at math though. My calculations are quite often off. Especially this particular calculation in which I equated myself; stubbornly. A calculation of which I believed I was the mathematician needed for solving. A calculation that actually works better minus one; myself being the one needing subtracted.

It's strange to feel the struggle finally coming to an end. Especially when it has been a struggle of years spent deeply vested. Yet, in the end, it wasn't until the moment of being nudged out, that the struggle dissipated.

In short; what I had been busy figuring, like an obsessively devoted mathematician, has finally found it's solution and that solution seems to have needed me removed to come to fruition.

Ouch!

As people who believe in magick stress though, "Be specific."

The solution I was solving for is discovered. I never specified I wanted the solution to include me.

I imagine this is how those before me felt. I imagine others will eventually feel the same.

So is the ebb and flow of life. Mathematically beautiful; minus one.

~TigrisSky
tigrissky: Tiger in Green Sea (starbuck)


Or is it?

This is a question I am contemplating with much thought as of late; focusing mainly on interactions of my past. Which in turn is helping me to analyze if it really is so bad to have such hypersensitivity now and moving forward?

I am regaining foothold in self, connecting and reconnecting to who I am and reawakening to the importance of truly and deeply loving the me that I am; regardless of anyone's expectations.

I haven't figured it all out yet, I just know I am hypersensitive and, according to G.I. Joe, "Knowing is half the battle!"



I wish it didn't have to be a battle ...

Although I suppose it is a good thing that this is tearing me apart. It has to mean something that all this loss, change, and growth hurts so much. Right? I mean if it were easy then I would know it hadn't been worth it. None of it matter. All those moments and memories in my head and heart would be empty, meaningless, pointless, loveless ...

It was worth it.

All of it.

So take that look out of here, it doesn't fit you
Because it's happened doesn't mean you've been discarded
Pull up your head off the floor, come up screaming
Cry out for everything you ever might have wanted
I thought that pain and truth were things that really mattered
But you can't stay here with every single hope you had shattered ...


oath_of_wolves_by_nababa-d90ketl (1).png

You can't stay here with every single hope you had shattered.

No, no I cannot.

Stop clinging; start flowing.

~TigressSky
tigrissky: Tiger in Green Sea (starbuck)

↑ ↑ ↑ YES. PLAY ME. PLAY ME NOW. ↑ ↑ ↑





Rush Hour
~TigressSky © July 17, 2015

What has my life become
Sitting in this cube
Impatiently waiting to experience
Rush hour
To become more
Exhausted and frustrated
A moment to sleep it all away
Then awaken to experience
Rush hour
And start this process anew

This isn't where I ever imagined I would be
In a high rise
Next to I-84
Wishing I had done something
Anything at all
That would have taken me
Anywhere but here

When I lose that drive
That tells me I can matter
I can make a difference
To someone or something
Great or small in this world
I can be
Something
More than this moment
Then
It is over
The grand 'They' have finally gotten me
The 'Man' keeping me down
Yes master I adhere

Yet is it man
Or is it the self
That keeps me confined in this nothingness
A meaningless task
Shuffling electronic information
From here to there
Keeping people imprisoned
To the importance
Of receiving acceptance
From the world
Acceptance granted by a printout
Of proof of who they are
Without it they will be allowed
Access to nothing of value
Defined by society
The mastermind controlling
Such proof of you
Of your very own existence

It is all so simple to see
Yet kept busy we are left blind
To the history of where
When, why, and how
This all became
And how simply different
It could all be
How simply simple
It could all be
How our very evolution
Is the de-evolution of life

Is it time for revolution
Inside and out
An awakening to selflessness
Unconditional love
Peace

Or is it an impossibility
Of reality
To be so
Free
tigrissky: Tiger in Green Sea (Default)
Letting go is harder than simply opening a door and watching the breeze blow past you.

Some days, when I think I have finally let go, attachment slips in a grin and I can feel my body tremble with the anticipation of whichever emotion is choosing to hold me in that moment of confrontation with self. For if it becomes a confrontation outside of self, attachment has already won and I might as well finish my appearance as an ass to the tale this incident will become.

Or so my logic forsoothes me.

I use to be great at never showing emotion and in turn appeared as a robot to those who I did try and build relationships with. Logic always overshadowed emotion, emotion was too much my mother, and I was never going to be her.

Until it was I learned what it meant to be Her. When I finally recognized the gifts of life She granted me that are so necessary in the fucked up world I have been imparted.

Yet that is a whole other story about letting go ... in the one I tell now, people are still alive and I have no youthful excuse for my life's mistakes. Still, I keep making them.



I am getting better at embracing my emotions without letting them have control over the situation. I feel partial to mention that my previous state of being was to tell my emotions to "FUCK OFF!" Thus ensuring nothing but logical action in any situation. I do not truly know which is worse, allowing emotion or logic complete control? I certainly do know what I grew up believing was worse, hence my propensity toward the latter.

I have learned it takes a great deal of strength to embrace an emotion that flares, without letting it take control, while in the process of letting go. Especially when the letting go is believed complete and then something small awakens you that it is not. It is in that moment a trigger, like a shot of good tequilla to an alcoholic, snaps it's fingers and emotion rears at the gate.

In that moment, emotion can make you feel like a cowboy, turn you into a clown, and have you hiding in a barrel if you let it convince you to ride.

Letting go is full of all these fears, mainly in regards to change or loss.

Change has always held great space in my life. Therefore it is not fear of change that drives my emotions in this process of letting go. Though at first, I selfishly though it was.

I can finally admit to myself that it was fear of loss that truly had me clinging to this attachment so dramatically. Looking desperately for acceptance from anyone who was looked up to within the circle of my life. Anyone who could guarantee to me that my space here in the Universe we had created was a cemented throne I could always sit upon. A place I had come to believe and rely in. A place in which I had taken to storing my fear, my strength, my honor, and my dignity. A place in which I simply could not comprehend without me in it.

What would I be without it?

Nothing. I would be nothing without it is what I had convinced myself of.



Yet, as it is with all things, the throne had been crumbling since the moment it was presented to me.

Eventually I was going to have to journey on my own again.

Such are the cards the Fates have dealt me.

I can see clearly now that my throne is gone and never really was, except in times of rest, when I could offer of myself in return for the respite.

Such was the role of my crown.

As the Queen grew, the crown no longer fit.

She no longer fit.

The parties went on without her.

The address was changed.

The houselights removed.



What she had feared to lose she must let go. Sinking in the rotting compost of loss, which guarantees change, which fosters new growth, that which was now all around her. Accepting the death of an attachment of her soul. Welcoming the moment of rebirth into the nothing that comes with being everything she will never come to mean to this world; only to her heart.

To herself.

To this momentary experience called LIFE.



~TigrisSky
tigrissky: Tiger in Green Sea (starbuck)

Troutlake Abbey - Washington

This summer solstice I journeyed into the new. A stranger, in a strange land. A place in which I truly knew only one other well and a handful few acquaintances. The rest of the lot were complete strangers.

I needed the anonymity. It allowed me the ability to just be me; to not have to worry about the displeasure I could bring to someone else in simply doing so. To not have to worry about the preconceived notions of who I am, and how I am, foreshadowing my interactions with others.

This anonymity gave me the ability to just be present in the moment and appreciate the sacred space in which I found myself.



Find myself I did, in moments, here and there.

Forget myself I did, in moments, here and there.

Mostly though, I simply reveled in being welcomed and included without question of motives, intent, or whom said what about whom and what side am I on in all of societies battles.

I'm not included enough to even know the sides anymore.

Of which I am glad as it has allowed me to reconnect with the core of who I am. The honor of which was getting lost in the ideal of twisting myself into a pretzel of acceptance that could keep everything that was falling apart together. As if it was my responsibility to do so. More importantly, as if I had the power to keep it all together, when none of it had anything to do with me.

There I go again, thinking I am so important, so needed, such an integral center piece. Someone so important to all that happens that without me twisting myself in just the right way everything would simply fall apart. That if things were not "okay" again I was somehow responsible.

*sigh*

Everything will be okay with or without me.

It always is.

It always has been.

It always will be.

I am insignificant.

I just never imagined a time without me.

Hell, does anyone?



This solstice brought to my forefront the weariness of consistently having to prove my worth/value. It is physically and mentally tiring, as well as grating on ones self esteem. Regardless of if it was requested or self-inflicted it sucks and I came to recognize I have nothing to prove accept to myself.

I sat completely by myself at ritual. I witnessed and experienced my singularity and found comfort in knowing I am one who can survive and thrive as such a singularity.



As the wicker man burned I felt released from proving myself and in the same turn felt awakened to the acceptance of self.

It isn't loss, it is physics.

I hope the physics of my gratitude grant my orbit a continued presence in the solar system it has grown within. I accept if it does not and appreciate it's gift in my life.

~TigrisSky

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tigrissky: Tiger in Green Sea (Default)
tigrissky

March 2017

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