Learning how to sit in the background and just be is not an easy thing for me.
I had been filled with so much excitement and happiness in being a part of the "in-crowd" these past nine years of my life. It has felt wonderfully empowering to be looked to for expertise; to be able to help direct and focus energies to meet and, at times, exceed the goal(s) of the groups I have been involved with - both personally and professionally.
That limelight has faded though and I find myself restless in the shadows trying to figure out how to follow the light and no longer be it. For some, my doing this, has lead to confusion about our relationship connections, for others I am still a light, and for others I am completely forgotten - as I might have been all along.
Yet inside my own self I am trying to wade my way out of the remaining ounces of sticky self-judgement and devaluing that come with such a loss of status in ones own mind. Luckily I am no longer drowning in it.
"Where do I fit now?"
That is the biggest question I continue to struggle with figuring out. It often leads to an even bigger contemplation of: "do I fit in now?"
Well, do I? ... Punk.
In some instances the answer is yes, in others it is no; furthermore, in some instances I still fit in but am no longer included because "X" changed. Because "X" changed there is an assumption that means that "Y and Z" did too; leading to being excluded from being a part of "Y and Z" altogether. Which sucks, because "Y and Z" are things I still love, but you know, "X". *sigh*
Yeah for catch-22's!... meanwhile ...
When I visited Grandma they did not have high expectations for her to be around much longer. I sat beside her as she slept and told her how strong she has always been and how all those naysayers throughout her life could simply never understand. I also reminded her that she is and always has been my favorite Grandma and one of the strongest most influential women in my life.
I couldn't really tell if she was cognizant of the physical reality she is alive within anymore. She lay there peacefully sleeping(?), calm, and oh so beautiful still. I focused on that point closely, even at the age of being worn out and done she looked so beautiful - and I don't mean that in the supermodel standards America sets. I don't know how to explain it right, she just was beautiful to see.
I didn't cry, told her I loved her, and then left the room to go sit with the rest of the family. The rest of the family followed suit, taking turns going into Grandma's room and chatting with her. She slept through it all. At the end, when Dad was done, he stated we should probably say our goodbyes and head out as she most likely would not be opening her eyes.
I was the first to enter into her room to say goodbye, my soon-to-be seven year old niece following right behind me. I leaned over, kissed her forehead, then whispered in her ear, "goodbye Grandma, I love you." As I stood up Grandma opened her eyes, a slight look of shock as she recognized me and then the biggest smile I have seen on her face since forever overtook her.
"Grandpa," my niece called out to my Dad, "her eyes are open! Come see! Come see!"
We all clustered around her bed. I sat on the edge of it to be out of the way. I showed her all the people whom had come to see her, pointing in their direction, "look Grandma, Dad's here."
Grandma would look, her lips unfurling from their smile as she focused for the briefest of seconds to see whom or what I was pointing at. Immediately she would lose interest and focus back on me. Her bright eyes would beam and she would smile big again.
It was overwhelming how much we said to each other just by looking and smiling at each other. I was caught off guard, as my sister pointed out what was going on to everyone in the room. "She just wants Tig, she is just looking at Tig. Oh my gosh, she really wants to see Tig. Look at her smile at Tig."
I don't know exactly what was happening in that moment, except to say that it felt like everything I needed to know and she needed to know were coalescing perfectly.
Shortly after she opened her eyes to smile at me she became tired again and drifted back to sleep. We all left quietly after that.
For days and days I pondered that visit. I don't know exactly what I have given my Grandmother that makes me her favorite, but I do know what she has given me throughout my life that makes her mine. As well, in that smiling quietly awake moment where she focused on nothing but me, she gifted me with something that my life thus far has shown is nothing but hardship, misery, pain, and sadness ... peace in dying.
No, she has not passed yet.
What I mean though is, she has given me the ability to see that death can be peaceful. That I can lay and bask in the memories of my life as a beautiful aged sleeping beauty and let go slowly. That Death's final moments do not have to be tumultuous and daunting. That I do not have to fear the final moments I may spend, alone, waiting for Death to take me back into the Cosmos.
After all of the death I have been privy to in my 36 years, I really needed to see something so positive in regards to it.
My honor code has been going through serious development over the past year as well. The above quote becoming fundamental to the core of the echelon of quotes that it is built with. The foundation of which still remains: "Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a harder battle." ~Plato
To this day, that is ALWAYS the right answer to end up at in any situation I end up dealing with.
Yet, this new quote really puts into perspective the human I strive to be while I am granted this singular moment called life. While the chaos of the world flits about me it is all so hard to keep up with; sometimes scaring me, other times making me laugh; well, this quote from Neil degrasse Tyson just seems so pertinent to the objective that is life.
At least to me it does.
And so does this quote right here.
We give ourselves so little credit for accomplishing what we do, it is sad. Always thanking some invisible force, be it luck, god, or unicorns for the accomplishments we have made. When do we begin to accept the idea that we humans are pretty phenomenal creatures, accomplishing all sorts of very miraculous things on a daily basis?
Some will argue that humans are destroying everything and we are horrible parasites.
Okay. Woah! Yet, okay I get it. I hear ya, I understand, and you choose to focus on what you want. However ...
One day a human looked at the sun and questioned light; not with superstition but with questioning analysis. Then we found the speed of light and since then we have used our understanding of the world around us to find out just how insignificant and yet truly mind-blowingly significant we are.
We can see 93 billion light years into the future of our cosmos. Which means we are also seeing 93 billion light years into our past. WTF?! Amazing!
All of what we see around us comes from the wonder and curiosity of the Universe discovering itself - LIFE.
Life; such a beautiful moment of chaos experiencing itself.
This song just seems to fit the mood of where this post has taken me. It is the song that introduced me to Lucero
, Slow Dancing
That is all life is, a moment to slow dance ... alone, with someone, or something else. To experience and build a memory of emotions that help you understand life, just that much more. Be they good, be they bad, be they easily forgotten ... or maybe they grip ahold of your heart and never, ever, walk away - at least from your memory that is. A moment where time stops and you don't care about anything else, but those eyes, those arms, those lips ... so close to your own. A moment of encouragement that leads to discouragement that leads to surviving.
In the end it is all just a moment - take it while you can ...