To Doubts

Fri, Mar. 24th, 2017 22:41
tigrissky: Tiger in Green Sea (Marilyn Monroe Goddess)
~TigriSky, March 24, 2017

Back in your arms again, and all I can think is why?
Can't I make this happen?
Can't I?

The voice of doubt
The devil on the wing of my plane
Looking in as I sit in the cockpit
Wondering if anyone is really there
Or is it all really just this breath
Before I am lost in the motor cortex

Back in your arms again, and all I can think is why?
Can't I make this happen?
Can't I?

The voice of reason
Professes all of the treasonous ways
In which this plane won't even get off the ground
If I don't even try to see it through
To this mistake and then the next
So just take in this deep breath
Get lost in the motor cortex

Back in your arms again, and all I can think is why?
Can't I make this happen?
Can't I?

The voice of jealousy
Screams it's applause of the failures
Brought to a table of cards
Dealt by an established King and Queen
Since when do peasants step foot
In such monarchy

Back in your arms again, and all I can think is why?
Can't I make this happen?
Can't I?

The voice of beauty whispers
Sweet nothings of the transformation
From pupae to birth of a butterfly
Slipping from the sins of the truth
Slithering on the belly of nature
Until one day you spread your wings
You can fly

You can fly
tigrissky: Tiger in Green Sea (Marilyn Monroe Goddess)
This is one of the first Lucero songs I learned to strum.

Seeing this youthful vision makes me nostalgic for a time when life seemed more crowded in the dualities of love and loneliness. A time when there was always a friend to drink with and a shoulder to lean on. Not much of that time can be found anymore.

I don't rightly know all the reasons why, I know a few though. Change is inevitable and love can weary the heart. Oh but how I have loved.



Thu, Oct. 13th, 2016 09:06
tigrissky: Tiger in Green Sea (Marilyn Monroe Goddess)
There are moments of wailing misery that haunt every day, every heart beat, from that moment forward. Moments where the whiskey makes any sideways glance a miracle of chance. That maybe, just maybe, you can forget it all ... with a song.

Making believe you dance in the sun.

Doesn't mean anything to anyone.

Until one day it does.

So you can keep waiting or push on.

And on.

And on.

Yet still, there is that song. Expressing a desperation to find ... anything but this mistake and the next. That he thinks is about him and she thinks is about us and only he knows is about the one who had to be let go; or else.

Balance of the echelon could not be achieved in the matrix once Neo awoke.

So long ago laid to rest. No assumptive resurrection, just last words, and last chance. No longer time for my dance.

Just step aside, step aside. More important people to see.

You were never real to begin with, so just let go, it shouldn't be hard.

Except when it is.

Getting so use to falling; so far, so fast, the wind knocked right out of your sails. Cut to your smile, "That's a wrap," let's all move on.

Without you.

That is where it all starts.

Without you one can do nothing more than find ... you.

Without you one can do nothing more than desire ... you.

Without you the miracle of life is simply to live.

It's time to forgive.

It's time to forget.



tigrissky: Tiger in Green Sea (starbuck)
That moment when it finally dawns on you why some people love the same music as you and others just don't "get it" or "hate it." Or maybe this lesson is an opposite of that understanding. Perhaps it is that moment when the music shows you the chasm of difference(s) between yourself and those whom you are connected.

One chasm I have never found of equal in any other is the ability to understand and be alone. Although I have met those whom understand alone with greater or lesser a value than others; none I have ever met, ever connected to deeply, have ever "gotten me." This is why I say, I have never found equal in the ability to understand and be alone.

Very few people I know, that I am connected to right now, have any clue what it is like to be alone in this world. I mean truly alone. With just yourself and that scary fucking door to the outside that is filled with all these people that you just can't be sure will "get you" because you certainly don't get them.

Most people I know have never lived alone for one moment in their lives. Going straight from one living situation with people to the next. For example a teen moving from his parents; of which the typical first stop is not somewhere alone. Instead it is into some sort of a roommate situation, typically a roommate situation that involves a lover/partner at that. Or if they do move to be alone, they have their family or friends to fall back on and "save" themselves.

As well, most of them spent their youth in one spot, no more than two. They experienced what it was like to attend school in one school system. They learned how to deal with a social network of friendships that, even if not around now, lasted. They are use to kowtowing to, as well as creating their own, cliques and hierarchy in relationships along with knowing their place amongst them.

Simply stated, they are use to building two-way expectations in their relationships with people. Something that happens naturally when you must deal with others on a regular basis. They are use to fulfilling a role, a role typically built around set expectations of who they are and should become. Be that they take on a taught role or they follow a driving force that directs them to oppose the teachings of said role. They still work to fulfill a role expectation they have set of them-self. As well they live with others around them fulfilling the needs of roles that fit in their life, roles that they typically help shape. Be that allowing others to feel above, beneath, or at equal with them.

It is natural pack nature. As humans, being in a pack is very natural to us. We can fit into whatever pack we decide, if we just learn the expectations and find a defined way in which we fit. A role we can play, so to say.

My life, unlike most, was full of lots of alone. Lots and lots of time with just myself and a whole lot of nature. I never stayed in one place for more than a year; typically only 6 months. I did not learn how to meet expectations, or even how to build and have them of others. In short, my life was spent slipping into and out of many different "packs," and in between the packs I was alone.

To say I did not learn a role or two would be asinine. We all have roles in our lives, use of such roles is how we survive in whatever way we have been born into it or, if you believe, chosen to survive. Some of us just happen to be able to change easier and quicker than others. Able to let go of roles that serve us no purpose, or serve just to hurt, or for the role of the psychopath, letting go of roles that serve to help.

Whatever the purpose, we all have many different roles we play in our lives. Learning which roles create positive and which negative actions and interactions; along with knowing what is positive and negative to ourselves, and which type of action or interaction we wish to have, determines which role(s) we chose to progress with and which role(s) we leave behind.

Most people cling to their roles though. Like an addict clings to his heroin; they choose to keep injecting the same old stuff, for the same old experiences, looking to ensure the enduring continuation of actions and interactions that satisfy whatever positive or negative they have deemed fulfills their life. Whatever it is that keeps them feeling "high."

Wow ... how did I get here? Ha!

The point?

One of the roles I was born into I like to call "alone" and I fulfill it well.

It is in this role of alone, wondering how the hell people can "hate" or not "get" my music that I was awakened to the fact that this chasm of difference existed. I was finally able to understand why the music spoke to me so differently than it did others.


That and the fact that I am certifiable perhaps.

Here is one of those songs now ...

tigrissky: Tiger in Green Sea (starbuck)
Learning how to sit in the background and just be is not an easy thing for me.

single hand

I had been filled with so much excitement and happiness in being a part of the "in-crowd" these past nine years of my life. It has felt wonderfully empowering to be looked to for expertise; to be able to help direct and focus energies to meet and, at times, exceed the goal(s) of the groups I have been involved with - both personally and professionally.

That limelight has faded though and I find myself restless in the shadows trying to figure out how to follow the light and no longer be it. For some, my doing this, has lead to confusion about our relationship connections, for others I am still a light, and for others I am completely forgotten - as I might have been all along.

Yet inside my own self I am trying to wade my way out of the remaining ounces of sticky self-judgement and devaluing that come with such a loss of status in ones own mind. Luckily I am no longer drowning in it.

"Where do I fit now?"

That is the biggest question I continue to struggle with figuring out. It often leads to an even bigger contemplation of: "do I fit in now?"

Well, do I? ... Punk.

In some instances the answer is yes, in others it is no; furthermore, in some instances I still fit in but am no longer included because "X" changed. Because "X" changed there is an assumption that means that "Y and Z" did too; leading to being excluded from being a part of "Y and Z" altogether. Which sucks, because "Y and Z" are things I still love, but you know, "X". *sigh*

Yeah for catch-22's!

... meanwhile ...

When I visited Grandma they did not have high expectations for her to be around much longer. I sat beside her as she slept and told her how strong she has always been and how all those naysayers throughout her life could simply never understand. I also reminded her that she is and always has been my favorite Grandma and one of the strongest most influential women in my life.

I couldn't really tell if she was cognizant of the physical reality she is alive within anymore. She lay there peacefully sleeping(?), calm, and oh so beautiful still. I focused on that point closely, even at the age of being worn out and done she looked so beautiful - and I don't mean that in the supermodel standards America sets. I don't know how to explain it right, she just was beautiful to see.

I didn't cry, told her I loved her, and then left the room to go sit with the rest of the family. The rest of the family followed suit, taking turns going into Grandma's room and chatting with her. She slept through it all. At the end, when Dad was done, he stated we should probably say our goodbyes and head out as she most likely would not be opening her eyes.

I was the first to enter into her room to say goodbye, my soon-to-be seven year old niece following right behind me. I leaned over, kissed her forehead, then whispered in her ear, "goodbye Grandma, I love you." As I stood up Grandma opened her eyes, a slight look of shock as she recognized me and then the biggest smile I have seen on her face since forever overtook her.

"Grandpa," my niece called out to my Dad, "her eyes are open! Come see! Come see!"

We all clustered around her bed. I sat on the edge of it to be out of the way. I showed her all the people whom had come to see her, pointing in their direction, "look Grandma, Dad's here."

Grandma would look, her lips unfurling from their smile as she focused for the briefest of seconds to see whom or what I was pointing at. Immediately she would lose interest and focus back on me. Her bright eyes would beam and she would smile big again.

It was overwhelming how much we said to each other just by looking and smiling at each other. I was caught off guard, as my sister pointed out what was going on to everyone in the room. "She just wants Tig, she is just looking at Tig. Oh my gosh, she really wants to see Tig. Look at her smile at Tig."

I don't know exactly what was happening in that moment, except to say that it felt like everything I needed to know and she needed to know were coalescing perfectly.

Shortly after she opened her eyes to smile at me she became tired again and drifted back to sleep. We all left quietly after that.

For days and days I pondered that visit. I don't know exactly what I have given my Grandmother that makes me her favorite, but I do know what she has given me throughout my life that makes her mine. As well, in that smiling quietly awake moment where she focused on nothing but me, she gifted me with something that my life thus far has shown is nothing but hardship, misery, pain, and sadness ... peace in dying.

No, she has not passed yet.

What I mean though is, she has given me the ability to see that death can be peaceful. That I can lay and bask in the memories of my life as a beautiful aged sleeping beauty and let go slowly. That Death's final moments do not have to be tumultuous and daunting. That I do not have to fear the final moments I may spend, alone, waiting for Death to take me back into the Cosmos.

After all of the death I have been privy to in my 36 years, I really needed to see something so positive in regards to it.

Everyone does.


My honor code has been going through serious development over the past year as well. The above quote becoming fundamental to the core of the echelon of quotes that it is built with. The foundation of which still remains: "Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a harder battle." ~Plato

To this day, that is ALWAYS the right answer to end up at in any situation I end up dealing with.

Yet, this new quote really puts into perspective the human I strive to be while I am granted this singular moment called life. While the chaos of the world flits about me it is all so hard to keep up with; sometimes scaring me, other times making me laugh; well, this quote from Neil degrasse Tyson just seems so pertinent to the objective that is life.

At least to me it does.


And so does this quote right here.

We give ourselves so little credit for accomplishing what we do, it is sad. Always thanking some invisible force, be it luck, god, or unicorns for the accomplishments we have made. When do we begin to accept the idea that we humans are pretty phenomenal creatures, accomplishing all sorts of very miraculous things on a daily basis?

Some will argue that humans are destroying everything and we are horrible parasites.

Okay. Woah! Yet, okay I get it. I hear ya, I understand, and you choose to focus on what you want. However ...

One day a human looked at the sun and questioned light; not with superstition but with questioning analysis. Then we found the speed of light and since then we have used our understanding of the world around us to find out just how insignificant and yet truly mind-blowingly significant we are.

We can see 93 billion light years into the future of our cosmos. Which means we are also seeing 93 billion light years into our past. WTF?! Amazing!

All of what we see around us comes from the wonder and curiosity of the Universe discovering itself - LIFE.

Life; such a beautiful moment of chaos experiencing itself.

This song just seems to fit the mood of where this post has taken me. It is the song that introduced me to Lucero, Slow Dancing.

That is all life is, a moment to slow dance ... alone, with someone, or something else. To experience and build a memory of emotions that help you understand life, just that much more. Be they good, be they bad, be they easily forgotten ... or maybe they grip ahold of your heart and never, ever, walk away - at least from your memory that is. A moment where time stops and you don't care about anything else, but those eyes, those arms, those lips ... so close to your own. A moment of encouragement that leads to discouragement that leads to surviving.

In the end it is all just a moment - take it while you can ...

tigrissky: Tiger in Green Sea (starbuck)

Several years ago I found myself suddenly surrounded with opportunity to develop my self confidence again. It all started the first moment I stepped on that Greyhound to return home, back to Oregon, in the winter of 1999. For the next 9 years the love I was surrounded with just grew and grew. My value stopped being in question. Even through divorce and loss I was gaining, not losing.

Yet that would soon start changing. The change was slow to be noticeable on my end at first, because of the confident security in which things had been built around and within me over such a long period of time. Yet, little by little, for about the past 5 years, the change has grown to a fervor pitch, where I have been continually slapped, - left, right, up, down and every which way, from every direction I can see and many of those I cannot. Slapped hard by those whom profess deep love for me, as well as those whom barely know me. Slapped with assumptions of my confidence being nothing more than arrogance. The passionate presentation of my confidence quickly becoming seen as a braggart of righteousness; no matter the fact I never brag and strive to remain humble to the goals all are working towards.

This is why those slaps really confused me; I kept asking after each one, "How can anyone see me this way?"

I tried to ask directly and was always met with silence. So I started asking the silence. It never had anything good to say in response. Neither did the rumor mill, which seemed to be the only voices, outside of the silence, bothering to answer the question.

Answers which aided me in welcoming back to front and center anxiety!

So it was, with silence and rumors, I tore myself apart; finding only a small handful who saw and worried about the damage I could be causing myself. If it wasn't for them, well, it would have been so easy to just let go of everything I had filled my heart with for all those years, everything that had helped me build my self-confidence; letting it just disappear and letting it all go.

Though, as Frou Frou attests, there is definitely "beauty in the breakdown."

As painful as it all was, I have come out the other side of it with my confidence still in tact, and admittedly, greatly strengthened. Anxiety retreating back into the shadows as I can understand many of the things that may trigger it. Because of this understanding, I am able to work on controlling my reactions to these triggers; no longer overreacting as often nor finding problems with myself that are not truly there.

From being made to feel an Outsider in my own life.

To Letting Go and going through a breakdown.

To spending most of my time with Sadness once again.

To being supported by a few whom constantly reassured me that I am not a Problem Girl.

To being reminded by those few how Madly Loved I am.

To What I Found Out, alone within the silence of the darkness.

To finding my Torch Song once again; my light.

To remembering the only love I know how to give.

To recognizing that In The End there is nothing more to life than love, is there?

And, in the end, This Isn't Everything I Am ...

This isn't everything you are either. This is just a moment. Just a moment, a breath, an emotion, a creation of a memory that may soon be forgotten ... or may last your entire life.

In the end, your entire life is just a moment as well. One solitary moment for you to try and fail at, over and over again. For you to lose and find your way in. For you to come out of and crawl into the darkness of. For you to be the fool and be made the fool. For you to love and for you to forgive. For you to break a heart and repair one. For you to hold a hand and lose another.

A moment to love.


Songs and artist used in this post, listed in order of appearance:

The Outsider by A Perfect Circle
Let Go by Frou Frou
Hello Sadness by Lucero
Problem Girl by Rob Thomas
Love Her Madly by The Doors
What I Found Out by MissAnneThrope (from PDX!)
Torch Song by Joey Kneiser
Bruised Ribs by Joey Kneiser ft. Kelly Kneiser and Todd Beene
In The End by Snow Patrol
This Isn't Everything You Are by Snow Patrol

I include this list because Youtube often loses videos and these songs are important to the train of thought in this post.
tigrissky: Tiger in Green Sea (starbuck)
These messages hit my heart hard today. A lot of stuff has just been coming to the light for me as of late. As my tantric friends would say the chakras are aligning and I am awakening to me more and more everyday. Maybe some day soon I will share how this all seemed to just fall in my lap throughout the day today, as my anxiety tried to bust through and take me down. Instead I was able to breath and walk myself through it. Each time I did so I got another message. Beautiful really.

Maybe they are messages for you whom may be reading this as well. I hope so. :)


"Prior to my first experience with psychedelics, I had identified with that which dies – the ego. The ego is who I think I am. Now, I identify much more with who I really am – the Soul. As long as you identify with that which dies, there is always fear of death. What our ego fears is the cessation of its own existence." ~Ram Dass

“Don’t be afraid to scrape the paint off and do it again. This is the way you learn, trial and error, over and over, repetition. It pays you great dividends, great, great dividends." ~Bob Ross

"The Last Pale Light In The West"
Ben Nichols

In my hands, I hold the ashes
In my veins, black pitch runs
In my chest, a fire catches
In my wake, the setting sun
Dark clouds, gather 'round me
To the west, the soul is bound
And I will go, on ahead free
There's a light, yet to be found

The last pale light in the west
The last pale light in the west

And I ask for no redemption
In this cold and barren place
Still I see the faint reflection
And so by it, I guide my way

The last pale light in the west
The last pale light in the west

tigrissky: Tiger in Green Sea (starbuck)
"Becoming yourself is really hard and confusing; it’s a process. It’s often not cool to be the person who puts themselves out there." ~Emma Watson

So it is, with trepidation, the Tiger in the dark is awakened.


Inspiration. Appreciation. Hope. Dreams. The ability to look to the future and believe good things will come.

I had lost this for awhile.

A long while.

What brought it back? Strangely enough the complication of the answer has amassed into one beautiful embracing whole, I often refer to as the All, others reference as God/dess, yet my Atheist heart knows quite simply as the Universe.

milky way
“A human being is a part of the whole called by us universe, a part limited in time and space. He experiences himself, his thoughts and feeling as something separated from the rest, a kind of optical delusion of his consciousness. This delusion is a kind of prison for us, restricting us to our personal desires and to affection for a few persons nearest to us. Our task must be to free ourselves from this prison by widening our circle of compassion to embrace all living creatures and the whole of nature in its beauty.” ~Albert Einstein

This understanding of Universal connection remains a constant gentle reminder that life is truly a miracle - no matter how you believe that miracle came into being. Beautiful things are happening all around us all the time and, despite what we are told, this beauty outweighs all the ugliness.

With this knowledge I am better able to turn things around. Rather than focusing my analysis on the negatives that 'could be' I am finding the positives that 'could be'. Either 'could be' so why not open my mind to all that my heart can imagine? Why not live and build my future as if the biggest dream were still just right around the corner? Who cares if the end game is constantly changing and never exactly how my heart or mind imagine? In the moment I am seeing it, in the present moment in which I am doing something small (or something BIG!) preparing for it, it exists and I am joyful! That is the point!


The path taken is ever changing - I know this. The end point is rarely ever what was imagined. It is however the stopping of imagining that limits the future and stagnates the end point with murky waters we can never find our way out of. It is the doubt, the fear, the negative, the "this is the best that will be's", the pauses, clinging to moments, and the clinging to dying things (relationships, jobs, beliefs, physical objects, etc.) that cause this stagnation.

We sometimes have to work hard to find the stream again, to flow with the water, crash into the shore, be beaten upon the rocks, feel the sun shining down upon us, the air moving through and across us, the sand forming beneath us, the beings swimming through us - our soul moving with the Universe!


Along this journey we also have to be willing to dive into the deepness of ourselves - deeper than we every thought possible and find within ourselves those ugly, as well as beautiful, disturbing new life forms - that when brought to the surface bring out awe and wonder and maybe even a little disgust!

Some of these "creatures of the deep, deep sea" are disturbing and scary. You find them and run - or they see you and run. You have to figure them out, understand them. The fangs are not as deadly as they seem. The light they offer is not truly as bright as displayed. Still you must find them.

Along with those pieces, both ugly and beautiful, there are those that cannot be brought to the surface; they cannot survive the light. They are meant for just us - just us to know and embrace. Although maybe you will bring a few down into the abyss with you to share in the wonder. Those worthy of such a journey that is.

The depth and breadth of the journey is up to you - what are you willing to lose?

In other news ...

The pedestal I had my father on crumbles whilst the hell I imagined my mother in stops burning - more from my heart as this change in the magnetic poles develops.

Inside the Giant's Palm - Burning Man 2012

This image, however, is how I now imagine Hell to be for my mother. Some demon in love, carrying her about like a prize, as he does his hellish work and she baths in the light of always being just slightly above her expected caste. As it always was in life.

Speaking of life ...

Back in 2006 I became a Queen and I was gifted a rune pendant from the outgoing Queen.

The pendant was of Raidho (the rune pictured above) and the message inscribed on the back was "transformation." I knew the Rune well, not because I had any familiarity with Runes, but because I had picked it out.

Before the weekend even started I had gone with the reigning Queen to help her pick out a gift for the new Queen. I found the Raidho rune pendant, read the inscription, and told the Queen it would be perfect. Never really thinking that later I would be wearing it!

I wore it for a full year. Never taking it off, except to shower. It was a flat silver metal piece, the Raidho image on the front, inscripton on the back, attached by a metal ring to an adjustable hemp chord that was never untied - it had to be slipped over the head to be put on and could be adjusted to be worn as a choker. I wore it this way for a year.

Then, I passed my queendom on and as I felt the energy shift the loneliness seemed almost unbearable. I curled up in my explorer that Saturday night, alone, and through the buzz of my high I held the Raidho pendant wondering what was next for me and watched the dark trees sway until I fell asleep.

In the morning I awoke to find myself without my Raidho pendant. The hemp chord was still firmly wrapped around my neck like a choker, but the pendant was gone. I searched my car completely - tearing through my bedding and every nook and cranny possible to try and find it. I even looked at the ground all around my vehicle, just in case.

I had gone to sleep with it on and when I awoke it was gone.

I assumed it to be a sign that my Queendom was definitely over and I had successfully accomplished what I needed. I was saddened I lost the pendant because it had become so meaningful to me. Yet I assumed it was just what should happen.

Fast forward almost 8 years ... in May I spent my entire tax return getting my car fixed. I grabbed a bag and took all my CD's, paperwork, and few little nick-nacks out of my car, putting the bag of them in the spare room. I had no need to go through it as I already new everything that was in the bag and I made the assumption I would just put it all back in my car later.

The bag sat in the spare room for a month, even after my car was done. Then a day came when I really needed the bag to use for something else so I dumped everything on the spare room bed and told myself, "put this stuff away soon."

A few days later, company was coming over and would need the bed. I went through everything I had dumped on the bed and, in the last bit of stuff, which included a small handful of pennies, my Raidho rune was found!


At first I was like, "what the hell is this piece of metal ... oh my god!"

The do-do do-do ddduuuuhhhh! Music got louder in my head as I inspected it and discovered that there was absolutely no FUCKING way it could have possibly slipped off that hemp chord. No possible way.

When I had woke up that morning 8 years ago without it, the hemp chord was still wrapped around my neck like a choker. Leaving no way for the metal ring to have slipped off the hemp chord itself. Because of this, I had always assumed the metal ring had somehow opened and the pendant had fallen off. Yet here I was now, 8 years later, holding it in my hand and that metal loop was perfectly together. So tightly together in fact that I couldn't get it to come apart with my fingers if I tried! Without some sort of tool that metal ring is just not coming apart. How it was ever removed from that hemp chord will remain a mystery to me.

"Remember that not getting what you want is sometimes a wonderful stroke of luck. Not everything that you desire will be necessarily good for you in the long run. If something just seems to not work out continually, in such a way that it seems almost like fate intervened, consider letting it go or coming back to it at another time. The Universe works in mysterious ways and should be trusted. Just be sure you are not mistaking your own failure as the Universe telling you something." ~Dalai Lama

I recognize something about that Rune now that I hadn't before - it has nothing to do with my Queendom or my community connection, it has always been about me; meant for me.

Numerologically speaking an 8 explains the place I find myself in now; personally. It connects well with the 8 year cycle I was in when I received it as well.

"The 8 year vibration will provide the means - the personal power - with which to change the status quo and accomplish a significant goal that will alter the entire direction and quality of your journey."

Will this pendant still be with me a year from now?

I do not know.

All I do know is that right now the enormous potential of the future, (and I'm not just talking about my personal future), the Universe is splaying out in front of me is overwhelming! Giving me more questions than answers. More paths than direction. More hope than I have had in a long, long time.

I am appreciative for all I have and excited about all that will be - as I see it in this moment everything is and everything isn't and I am so lucky to be experiencing what is - for now.

tigrissky: Tiger in Green Sea (Default)
©Adam Smith Photography 2009

Dear Ben Nichols,

Like Adriana experienced, you and I indirectly dated for many years. Your words wrapped me in more comfort than my homemade quilt and purring Zen cat could during a snow-packed day off from work. Those moments spent with your voice reverberating from every wall as I stood sobbing in the shower are what kept me standing when all I wanted to do was fall. Knowing I wasn’t alone in the craziness I seemed encompassed by, well, somehow, thats all I needed to get through it all. Someone understood me, hell, someone understands me, even if I can’t understand myself. I know you and I are actually nothing more than the gift of your words to the souls of those listening and I am only one soul. Yet, for all the moments spent alone with your words in my empty apartment, just your words and my one soul, I can truly be the only one that matters. That, dear Mr Nichols, is why there will always be a piece of my crazy heart mingling within your words. And, I hope, from time to time, you feel that piece of me and smile; in the same way I smile as your words touch me, more often than I can clearly express. Thank you.


what is love

Thu, Mar. 1st, 2012 12:16
tigrissky: Tiger in Green Sea (Hobbes Heart)
Ben Nichols of Lucero

Where the sunlight stops, my heart begins.

Things. How have "things" been? The simple answer is of course fine. Yet what does fine mean anyway?

A few nights ago I had a dream in which Ben Nichols, (pictured above), the lead singer of Lucero, was the star. It was a strangely revealing dream for me. I was, dressed in rock-a-billy-pin-up fashion, at one of his shows. I had drank too much whiskey and was slurring along to his songs leaning against the front of the stage. Afterwards I went into the bar, but this time I wasn't waiting around to get an opportunity to chat with him. This time he came to me. He smiled, his coy smile, and in that deep gravely voice of his said, "what are you doing after all this dies down?"

Well what did I say? )

The two most significant pieces I found in these dreams were:

1) It is obvious my relationship with my Baby is serious and deep in my heart. That obnoxious
perfectness I feel is true and the light-foot my heart dances with right now is real and true.

2) Over the past three years, my strong need to figure out how sex fits in my life drove me slowly closer and closer to finding my hearts path is monogamy. With this discovery my heart is no longer weighing heavy questions of its logic upon me. Sex is sacred and a form of love, yes. Yet, I finally understand that my deep love with someone has nothing to do with having sexual intimacy with them. My Baby and I share some of the most intimate moments totally clothed, cuddled on a couch, watching Battlestar Galactica!

In fact sex, while being so fucking amazing and mind-blowing with my Baby (a whole other post entirely!), is not something that is top priority in us being together. As well, sex is not a priority in love. It is an amazing feeling to understand that about the love I offer. The gift of my true deep love, does not equate with "fucking" as much as I use to think it did. I am still working out how I show that love exists and how I gift it to others - yet, sex is not it. I finally, understand that and in ways I cannot properly describe, monogamy has become so utterly beautiful to me. Sex has become something I just want to share with one person and in doing that, I finally understand, I am not limiting my ability to share my love with others.

Not one little bit.

tigrissky: Tiger in Green Sea (Lucero)
Some things today that lighten and darken my heart during this Yule season and, as the Pagan's like to tout, another turning of the wheel:

"I define nothing. Not beauty, not patriotism. I take each thing as it is, without prior rules about what it should be."~Bernice Johnson Reagon

"When my trust hung from the thin thread of justice
And the hearts of my lamps were smashed into tiny pieces
All over town
And the childlike eyes of my love were blindfolded
With the black kerchief of law
When blood was gushing forth from the anxious temples of my desire
When my life was nothing other than the ticking of the clock
I realized that I must love
That I must madly love."
~excerpt from the poem “Window” (1967) by Forugh Farrokhzad

Life's challenges are not suppose to paralyze you, they're suppose to unleash your inner strength and help you discover who you are."~Bernice Johnson Reagon


I've been basking in this warm glow of comfort and love, knowing it is fleeting. This time knowing for certain it will leave ... and yet I have been happier than I have been in such a long time.

It is worth it. I know it is.

Yet on the chess board, that has become my heart's game, a tower piece is crumbling and I, the Queen, recognize that I must let it fall. In order to protect the King ... just to let him go. A King that is always there, sitting silently smiling, reflecting all the lessons I have learned from all the "Kings" who have moved precariously through my life. All of them.

And these Kings, these great men I have loved and lost, they all have one thing in common - the need for something positive in their life to lift them up with a smile, love them, awaken them and then set them free. Free to find the way they had lost and feared to never find again.

And these Kings, as they find their forward pathway, recognize that the Queen can move in any direction she wants except this one ... and, although they pause to contemplate her, they are quickly taken-up by the checkmate that is life without her. Without me.

So sits the King of Mirrors from the past, on my chess board again, no longer breathing as he is once again, soon to be, just a representation of the heart's desires. And here I sit, surrounded by so many other pieces, so many other players in the beautiful lie that is my life. The board is in line again. Covered with pawns of people who are close, may even love me, that I don't know to well but know enough to support as they support me. And a court of players who stand beside me, strongly defending me with hearts so true. So true that hell I doubt even the King's heart has been so true. And I make moves in this beautiful lie - towerless, tireless, full of hopes and dreams as age begins to overwhelm and opportunities knock on my front steps. Even though I don't know where those front steps will be anymore.

I'm currently disoriented towards the direction of my life. Current goal motivating me: out of debt before I am 40. What that means to me is: no more student loans. Figuring out how to make that happen is the issue. What am I willing to sacrifice in my life to get to this point? What am I willing to lose?

Who knows eh? All I know right now is my lease is up in March and I need to decide where to move from there. I can't afford the forced rent increase that is guaranteed at my complex within each lease renewal period; so, one way or another I am moving somewhere by April. Maybe in with my parents for a couple years worth of free rent and torture as I devote the majority of my paycheck to paying off my student loan. Ill bring this idea up to them during Xmas and see what types of crazy ensues.

I don't think I can handle living with my parents again though. Hell, I don't know if I can handle living with anyone. I've changed so much and being by myself is just something I am use to now. My gym, my nutrition, my ability to walk nude through the house and not offend anyone and especially being able to fill my house with the music I like, (and everyone I know cringes at), whenever I want ... which is pretty much all the time.

Not to mention the fact that I am a big old bitch now. *sigh* I need to just get over it and get use to it. I hurt and upset people when I talk and that is just how it is.

So, I end this post with a jovial fuck you and goodnight from this bitch to all!



Sat, Aug. 20th, 2011 09:21
tigrissky: Tiger in Green Sea (Lucero)
Life takes it's pause now as I stop and try to figure out how to get back. Here. Again.

Here, where your inviting smiling makes me feel beautiful for once in my life.
Here, where my veins pump whiskey through the chambers of a heart that just two shots ago barely held a pulse.
Hear, where my tongue isn't tied by the right thing to say in just the right way.
Here, where connection to you is all in the eyes. Open wide. Sink deep. Letting you fall inside of me. Again.

They smile and nod at me. Assured that I understand the danger that is you. What if I don't? What if I do? Is it more or less dangerous to give in, give up, let it wash over me and just fall. Fall for every unanalyzed line. Fall for every drunken charade. Fall for the story erected by desire. Fall from the paved path so directed. Rise up on the barstool of a directionless night. Believe in the story awash on my lips by a Irish bottle named Jameson. A shit whispered tale of a knight in shining armor walking through that god damned broken door. The Tinman, oil can in hand, just waits to fix the squeaking hinge, the Wizard of my hearts doorway opening. Kill the Witch. Without fever pitched fear of judgement's gavel falling upon one more broken vase of tears. Spilling. Shattered. Where no flower and every flower can grow. Again.

tigrissky: Tiger in Green Sea (love me when I really need it)
from a journal entry the day after the Lucero show in Seattle on August 17, 2011 at the El Carazon

I spent yesterday drunk literally in the arms of Ben Nichols and now I am letting the Jameson work it's way out of my veins and awaken myself back to reality. Monotonous reality ...

I crave

With an insatiable desire
Tumultuous adventure
The discomfort of not knowing
Yet knowing
It will always be


I don't want to live
To be a hundred
At all

Sitting in the comfort of routine
Never experiencing more
Then the grind
Of my teeth
From one day to the next


How can I be content with loneliness. It is impossible for me to be happy. Ever. I don't want to be tied down and yet I want to love. With all of my being. I want to be loved. For all I am. All that I am. Black hearted, tear driven, whiskey drinking, discontent, bitch. The one always giving every piece of herself to give happiness to them. All of them.

I'll show the world love and come back home to die alone.

tigrissky: Tiger in Green Sea (Lucero)

Seattle, Jameson, Lucero and good friends stole me away from the web for a few days. This is just one of the videos from the Wednesday show at El Carazon.

All I managed to record is here. Actually, all I have managed to record at any Lucero show is there.

What’s up with having to come back to monotonous reality anyway?



Tue, Jul. 12th, 2011 16:48
tigrissky: Tiger in Green Sea (Default)

This song and the Devil are following me around lately. Coincidence? Most likely not.

The Devil

Close your eyes
Open the door
Step inside
Try not to be surprised
By the dark
You are surrounded with
By design
Is there really
You should fix ...


hold me close

Fri, Jul. 8th, 2011 16:41
tigrissky: Tiger in Green Sea (Default)
My thoughts are focused a lot on wanting to sing. Add to that wanting to learn the guitar to accompany myself in singing.

In the shower last night I thought about my favorite band, about their songs, which one could I sing all the way through, which one did I know the best. I started out trying to sing "Hold Fast" but for some reason I found myself tripping on a few of the words. Next was "Last Night in Town" but for some reason I kept mixing the lyrics up. As I stopped, took a deep breath, leaned against the shower wall and let the warm water just poor over my face I began singing "Hold Me Close" without having to think about it.

I find myself thinking about the Lucero show in Seattle next month. I am filled with excitement but feel a little more relaxed in that excitement. Maybe I have a veteran feeling, like I know how wonderful Seattle has always been to me with these shows. I'm relaxed in this being a good experience and relaxed in thoughts of seeing Ben again, even if I do not get to talk to him this time. Just to support him and enjoy the show is enough. Although I would love to have another giddy moment chatting with him!

A lot of things have been going on but I have felt less and less compelled to write about them freely. All my words turning to poetry. It is almost as if I am trying to turn inside of myself for awhile. Just let a few people who really want to see, see, and let the rest go from there.

My poetry always seems to become a judgement of me from others who read it. As if the emotions I throw out there, the words I carefully craft into overindulgence of a moment, define me or something. They are just a moment, like everything else.

I feel a lot more alone now, as I dive back into myself and at the same time it feels comfortable and good. It is needed. I am looking at a vow of celibacy, trying it for a month at a time. It would be full celibacy. Not even touching myself that is. After the most recent connective experiences I have had with men it seems like a lesson I need to teach myself - how to connect intimately without sex. The past few experiences have really shown me that men do lose respect and judge a woman who will give into their advances. Even though I do not think I should have to be the one to hold back from advances, that I to should be able to give into my sexual needs and wants, the hurt I am having for the past, well almost year, is just something I have to learn more about. As I told Tay this weekend, "Im heartbroken Tay, absolutely fucking heartbroken." And when he asked why I said, "because I am so tired of being only good enough to fuck."

I have been on the verge of tears and my heart has physically been choking me for almost two weeks now. Since Sunfest and opening myself up to someone so stupidly ... anyway. At this weekends tantra class Im going to talk a little more with the instructors and see what they think. It feels right when I think about it though.

I am also heartbroken by the way I am being treated now that I have gotten in shape and healthier. The dirty looks from other women are extreme! Having men tell me that I am more intimidating now then ever. Seriously, I cant fucking win with people. Hence another reason I am starting to think about celibacy, but in the form of spending more time only with people I am already close to AND more time with myself, doing just things for me. A vow of selfishness is more like it I suppose.

Things that I am excited for:

- Triathlon next Sunday the 17th! (cant fucking wait to get this done already!)
- Hosting a 12-week run/walk clinic starting in August!
- Singing and learning to play the guitar with my Moon!
- Bootcamp at the gym!
- Les Mis on the stage August 5th!
- Lucero in Seattle August 17th (and possibly at the Warped tour in Hillsboro August 14)!
- Swimming! (okay not really but I am TRYING to keep myself motivated to continue with it after the tri)

After the triathlon, I plan on putting on a bikini and taking a comparison photo of how far I have come physically now. It will be an 8 month comparison from the last time I did this. What I hate the most right now are my thighs. Fucking cellulite is embarrassing and disgusting! My new focus is on building up the legs now, after the tri Im off to learn as many exercises to take care of this as I can and do them often.

Anyway, thats about as much babbling as I have to give right now.

tigrissky: Tiger in Green Sea (Default)
day 24 - a song that you want to play at your funeral

last night in town by lucero

There will be whiskey and remembering how much fucking fun I am. No tears. Just party. If you can get Ben and the boys to sing this song live even fucking better!


the meme )
tigrissky: Tiger in Green Sea (Default)
Went on vacation and did not get to finish this so ...

day 22 - a song that you listen to when you’re sad

hello sadness ~ lucero

I'll surrender tomorrow, if I live through the night...

tigrissky: Tiger in Green Sea (Lucero)

Working! June '11
Working on my Birthday? BOO!

And normally I post this list well in advance so that people have a chance to pick up these items for me. Seeing as how I am heading out to New Orleans and will be gone for a couple weeks, I figure that posting the list now is fine, you all have two weeks to try and find these things for me! :)

Ben Nichols
Ben Nichols
Ben Nichols
Ben Nichols
Ben Nichols
Ben Nichols
Ben Nichols
Ben Nichols

Okay maybe this list is getting a tad creepy so I'll also add to it:

Jake Gyllenhaal
Ryan Reynolds
Gerard Butler
Christian Bale
Gary Lightbody
Jared Leto

And of course ...


He makes me look good you know -

Ben Nichols and I at the Crystal Ballroom - PDX - Feb '11

- and its obvious he wants to kiss me!!!

Ben Nichols and I @ Crystal Ballroom PDX - Feb '11

This list is a little more obvious than previous ones I have made so hopefully it is easier for my friends to get me what I truly want. Not to mention what I truly need!

tigrissky: Tiger in Green Sea (Default)

Still Dreaming
~TigressSky © April 29, 2011~

Comforting smooth heat in my hands
A sip of caffeine to warm myself
The door is open
The sun shines in
I may sit in sickness
But the dreams still come in

There is a breeze
That cools the souls burn
As the smell of life
Drifts across the minds eye
I may sit in dreaded heartache
But the dreams still come in

There's been thirty-three years
To surviving this life so far
Tragedy seems to stand outside
Waving up at me with a smile
Memories squeeze the heart strings
But the dreams they still come in

The coffee's steam against my cheek
Creates a warm smile
Offered to the cold world
Just awakening to the sun
I have bared so much unshared
As I sit quietly holding it tight
But the dreams they still come in


tigrissky: Tiger in Green Sea (Default)

March 2017

56789 1011
192021 2223 2425


RSS Atom
Page generated Fri, Sep. 22nd, 2017 15:02

Expand Cut Tags

No cut tags