tigrissky: Tiger in Green Sea (TigerLily Toy)
Todays star phone call - Funeral Home: "I need to get this Death Certificate sent to the Medical Examiner. See the doctor filled out the Cause of Death as Lou Gehrigs disease, and yes he had Lou Gehrigs but, I'm pretty certain it was the jump from the building that killed him."

Yes, this is my life. Welcome to it.

tigrissky: Tiger in Green Sea (Default)
Actual conversation at work.

CoWorker - I dont know that I want to add a barcode to my form.

Me - Why not?

CoWorker - This is already such a sensitive subject and people are so freaked out by barcodes.

Me - Seriously? A barcode is just a font. Saying you are scared of a Barcode is like saying you are scared of Times New Roman.

tigrissky: Tiger in Green Sea (Default)
I wish Google Maps had an "Avoid Ghetto" routing option.

More often than not, when someone is telling me a story all I can
think about is that I can't wait for them to finish so that I can tell
my own story that's not only better, but also more directly involves

Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you
realize you're wrong.

I don't understand the purpose of the line, "I don't need to drink to
have fun." Great, no one does. But why start a fire with flint and
sticks when they've invented the lighter?

Have you ever been walking down the street and realized that you're
going in the complete opposite direction of where you are supposed to
be going? But instead of just turning a 180 and walking back in the
direction from which you came, you have to first do something like
check your watch or phone or make a grand arm gesture and mutter to
yourself to ensure that no one in the surrounding area thinks you're
crazy by randomly switching directions on the sidewalk.

That's enough, Nickelback.

I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was

The letters T and G are very close to each other on a keyboard. This
recently became all too apparent to me and consequently I will never
be ending a work email with the phrase "Regards" again.

Do you remember when you were a kid, playing Nintendo and it wouldn't
work? You take the cartridge out, blow in it and that would magically
fix the problem. Every kid in America did that, but how did we all
know how to fix the problem? There was no internet or message boards
or FAQ's. We just figured it out. Today's kids are soft.

There is a great need for sarcasm font.

Sometimes, I'll watch a movie that I watched when I was younger and
suddenly realize I had no idea what the f was going on when I first
saw it.

I think everyone has a movie that they love so much, it actually
becomes stressful to watch it with other people. I'll end up wasting
90 minutes shiftily glancing around to confirm that everyone's
laughing at the right parts, then making sure I laugh just a little
bit harder (and a millisecond earlier) to prove that I'm still the
only one who really, really gets it.

The other night I hit a new low at an open bar. I had already hopped
on highway blackout when, inevitably I had to find a bathroom.
Eventually I decided it was probably on the other side of the bar so I
tried to walk over there, but ran into a guy coming the other way. We
played that, Both go left, Both go right game to no avail, so I
finally put out my hand to guide myself past and that's is when I
realized, yup, that's a mirror I just tried to walk through. And the
guy on the other side is me. Even cats can re cognize their own image.

How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?

I would rather try to carry 10 plastic grocery bags in each hand than
take 2 trips to bring my groceries in.

I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear
your computer history if you die.

The only time I look forward to a red light is when I'm trying to finish
a text.

A recent study has shown that playing beer pong contributes to the
spread of mono and the flu. Yeah, if you suck at it.

Was learning cursive really necessary?

Lol has gone from meaning, "laugh out loud" to "I have nothing else to

I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.

Answering the same letter three times or more in a row on a Scantron
test is absolutely petrifying.

My brother's Municipal League baseball team is named the Stepdads.
Seeing as none of the guys on the team are actual stepdads, I inquired
about the name. He explained, "Cuz we beat you, and you hate us."
Classy, bro.

Whenever someone says "I'm not book smart, but I'm street smart", all
I hear is "I'm not real smart, but I'm imaginary smart".

How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod
and smile because you still didn't hear what they said?

I love the sense of camaraderie when a n entire line of cars teams up
to prevent a d*ck from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers!

Every time I have to spell a word over the phone using 'as in'
examples, I will undoubtedly draw a blank and sound like a complete
idiot. Today I had to spell my boss's last name to an attorney and
said "Yes that's G as in...(10 second lapse)..ummm....Goonies"

What would happen if I hired two private investigators to follow each

While driving yesterday I saw a banana peel in the road and
instinctively swerved to avoid it...thanks Mario Kart.

MapQuest really needs to start their directions on #5. Pretty sure I
know how to get out of my neighborhood.

Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the
person died..

I find it hard to believe there are actually people who get in the
shower first and THEN turn on the water.

Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty,
and you can wear them forever.

I would like to officially coin the phrase 'catching the swine flu' to
be used as a way to make fun of a friend for hooking up with an
overweight woman. Example: "Dave caught the swine flu last night."

I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind of tired.

Bad decisions make good stories

Whenever I'm Facebook stalking someone and I find out that their
profile is public I feel like a kid on Christmas morning who just got
the Red Ryder BB gun that I always wanted. 546 pictures? Don't mind if
I do!

Is it just me or do high school girls get sluttier & sluttier every

If Carmen San Diego and Waldo ever got together, their offspring would
probably just be completely invisible.

Why is it that during an ice-breaker, when the whole room has to go
around and say their name and where they are from, I get so incredibly
nervous? Like I know my name, I know where I'm from, this shouldn't be
a problem....

You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work
when you've made up your mind that you just aren't doing anything
productive for the rest of the day.

Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after DVDs? I don't
want to have to restart my collection.

There's no worse feeling than that millisecond you're sure you are
going to die after leaning your chair back a little too far.

I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me
if I want to save any changes to my ten page research paper that I
swear I did not make any changes to.

"Do not machine wash or tumble dry" means I will never wash this ever.

I hate being the one with the remote in a room full of people watching
TV. There's so much pressure. 'I love this show, but will they judge
me if I keep it on? I bet everyone is wishing we weren't watching
this. It's only a matter of time before they all get up and leave the
room. Will we still be friends after this?'

While watching the Olympics, I find myself cheering equally for China
and USA. No, I am not of Chinese descent, but I am fairly certain that
when Chinese athletes don't win, they are executed.

I hate when I just miss a call by the last ring (Hello? Hello?
Damnit!), but when I immediately call back, it rings nine times and
goes to voicemail. What'd you do after I didn't answer? Drop the phone
and run away?

I hate leaving my house confident and looking good and then not seeing
anyone of importance the entire day. What a waste.

When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she
hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light
internet stalking.

I like all of the music in my iTunes, except when it's on shuffle,
then I like about one in every fifteen songs in my iTunes.

Why is a school zone 20 mph? That seems like the optimal cruising
speed for pedophiles...

As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers,
but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.

Sometimes I'll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not
know what time it is..

It should probably be called Unplanned Parenthood.

I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to
answer when they call.

I think that if, years down the road when I'm trying to have a kid, I
find out that I'm sterile, most of my disappointment will stem from
the fact that I was not aware of my condition in college.

Even if I knew your social security number, I wouldn't know what do to
with it.

Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car
keys in a pocket, hitting the G-spot, and Pinning the Tail on the
Donkey - but I'd bet my ass everyone can find and push the Snooze
button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time
every time...

A little boy asked me in the car the other day "What would happen
if you ran over a ninja?" How the hell do I respond to that?

It really pisses me off when I want to read a story on CNN.com and the
link takes me to a video instead of text.

I wonder if cops ever get pi$$ed off at the fact that everyone they
drive behind obeys the speed limit.

I think the freezer deserves a light as well.

I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or
Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Lites than Kay.

The other night I ordered takeout, and when I looked in the bag, saw
they had included four sets of plastic silverware. In other words,
someone at the restaurant packed my order, took a second to think
about it, and then estimate d that there must be at least four people
eating to require such a large amount of food. Too bad I was eating by
myself. There's nothing like being made to feel like a fat b*stard
before dinner.

oh men...

Tue, Jan. 29th, 2008 15:56
tigrissky: Tiger in Green Sea (Default)
Cyanide and Happiness, a daily webcomic
Cyanide & Happiness @ Explosm.net

And, as if this isnt comedy enough here are a couple of recent text messages:

Famico: Can I stay at your place.
Me: Sure.
Famico: Be warned you may come home to a naked Famico in the house.
Me: Well that will at least give me something to laugh at.
Famico: ???
Me: A naked man in my house that cant offer me any satisfaction is just a joke.
Famico: Oh comon cant you just be happy with a naked man in your house.
Me: Only if that naked man is offering me something.
Famico: What, I got to buy you a gift now?
Me: Yes Famico, get me a pony.


Night: Wow, thats the first time Ive ever been called a dirty old man.
Me: Is that a bad thing?
Night: I guess not. I mean I will be turning 38 in a few weeks and I think about sex a lot. So I guess that means Im a dirty old man.
Me: Or you are going through a mid-life crisis. Corvettes and twenty-two year olds beware!


Men make me laugh.



Fri, Jan. 25th, 2008 01:23
tigrissky: Tiger in Green Sea (Default)
I'd say the biggest decisions of your life, Tigress, were not your career, your marital status, or your home... they were choosing to love as often as you have.

And that's a lot,

The Universe

Sometimes I sit in doubt of myself. Wondering if I really am all that I strive so hard to be. I really needed to hear this right now. As cheesy as the Universe messages may be they impress me more than my horoscope ever has.

I have been trying to figure out where I am at right now. My feelings are mixed, twisted and sometimes just blank. No real things stands out for me right now. Since finding the pictures of Corey and Thomas the other night I have seriously started questioning myself. The choices I have made. Where I am at now. Who I am now.

Despite how awkward and lost I feel I really like who I am now. Yet I can not figure out if who I am now is actually good enough. And by good enough I mean good enough for me and the ultra high expectations I have for myself. Expectations I would think impossible for anyone else to meet.

Gods I am mean to myself.

Last night I lay there thinking about needing to get my passport. Thinking about looking for a job in Italy perhaps and just going. Realizing there is nothing that holds me here. Now dont take that wrong. My love for my community and few VERY close people hold me tightly. What I realize however is that regardless of location that love will not dissapate.

What I realized last night as my crazy blood boiled and I dreamed of new and change is that I am free. All that freedom I have always wanted and needed in my life I have. There is no cage holding me here. My minds cage has finally disappeared and suddenly the crazy blood realizes I can go anywhere, do anything, I am free.

As I sit tightly holding this freedom I wonder what price I have paid for this freedom? I realize as well that whatever the price I have what I always wanted and like Dorothy said, "I never had to go anywhere at all to find it. It was always right here in my own back yard."

So now its time to click my ruby slippers together and R-Evolve...

Or maybe just take a baby step and attend this next scheduled meeting here at work.


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tigrissky: Tiger in Green Sea (Default)

World Peace

Wouldnt this be nice?

tigrissky: Tiger in Green Sea (Default)
The most moving reason for education reform I have seen to date:

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tigrissky: Tiger in Green Sea (Default)
The following shouldnt be funny but ironically it is.

Many of you may know that I work in the Vital Records Department at the State (Birth, Marriage, Divorce and Death Record Processing). I have a very technical job and am not directly responsible for the records, but instead Im responsible for the system that is being developed to process these records electronically. Currently the death certificate portion of this system is up and running. So, in short, for part of my job I get tech support phone calls from funeral homes and medical offices when they have issues using the system. This requires me to look at the records from time to time. It also requires that I am throughly aware of the business processes that surround the completion of death records so I can answer questions correctly.

Today someone called and had me look at a record to see if it had been registered in the system yet. In looking at the record I saw one of the most sadly American causes of death I can think of: "aspirated hamburger while riding in a passenger car."

Sad and at the same time the irony of this made me laugh.

This person choked to death on a fast food hamburger while riding in a car. You cant die more American than that.

tigrissky: Tiger in Green Sea (Default)
CoWorker: the age wouldn't fill in because the dob and dod was the same day and with no time... no way to calc
Me: ahhh
Me: lmao
CoWorker: thats ok... the 10 min old baby was in the military and a teacher to boot... lol
Me: Ill try and pay better attention when Im filling thongs out so quickly. lol
CoWorker: lol
CoWorker: filling thongs... wow
Me: and typing! damn thongs!
Me: hahahah

tigrissky: Tiger in Green Sea (Beware of Dog)
Co-Worker: Are those periods after the names or commas?
Me: Yeah I have no idea what you are talking about.
Me: Oh wait commas
Me: I just figured it out
Me: lol
Co-Worker: What you need context or something?
Me: Well obviously not, I mean I got it eventually.
Me: I mean context is such a waste of time I keep trying to get the Project Manager to figure that out.
Me: hehehehe
Co-Worker: Oh you just fell off that pedestal I had you on.
Me: That wasnt a pedestal that was a stick up my butt - Im a puppet!
Me: I dont think I should have just typed that phrase out.
Me: lol
Co-Worker: hahahahha
Co-Worker: Im laughing so hard I have tears.



pee pee

Mon, Jul. 16th, 2007 18:59
tigrissky: Tiger in Green Sea (Shrek WTF?)
So, yesterday while out on a date NewYork calls me - (FYI NewYork is now renting some small room and not living with me, yet most of his stuff still remains here so he still has a key) - normally I turn my phone off when out with someone but I had forgot. Not wanting to look like a jerk who wont answer I did. NewYork has a big favor to ask of me.

"Whats that?"

"Can HotRunnerBoy and I borrow your shower?"

"You guys are showering together? You going to film it?"

"No. See we have this girl we are out with and she wants us to pee on her."

"What? Are you serious?"

"Yeah. Dead serious."


"We will scrub it out for you after."

"Okay on two conditions you scrub out my shower and you NEVER talk to this girl again."

"Okay deal."

So, imagine being my date and hearing just one side of the conversation:

"Whats that?"

"You guys are showering together? You going to film it?"

"What? Are you serious?"


"Okay on two conditions you scrub out my shower and you NEVER talk to this girl again."

So, naturally LightBoy (thats the dates nickname) says, "man I dont think I really want to know what that was about." Naturally I tell him and he is just shocked. "You are letting them use your shower?"

So, I proceed to go on my rant about how these two guys have destroyed my faith in society and women in general. How could women have such little self-esteem that they would do whatever a guy wanted just to try and get them? More importantly, man wise, how could someone do something knowingly demeaning and take advantage of someone like that?

LightBoy looks at me dead pan and says, "Id be honored if you'd pee on me."

I stop in my tracks. My jaw hits the floor. I lose my train of thought and ability to speak and then LightBoy cracks up.

"I was just joking but seriously maybe this girl likes this. Maybe she gets off on it. How can you really know?"

Yeah. He got me there.

So, today at working we are having a long ass meeting about the system that deals with Amendment Types and the different statuses they can be put in which are, Keyed, Pending and Exist. So, we start discussing how the system works. I explain that Keyed and Pending show up as one listing in the Status bar and that is Pending. That the Keyed Status never shows in the Status bar.

Someone starts saying something to the contrary and I say, passionately and forcefully while combining the words Keyed and Pending on my tongue, "no it is only PEED!"

My brain halts on forward momentum and I start cracking up as my brain whispers, "umm you just said Peed". Everyone laughs a bit, but not as much as Sandra and KC whom I had told the shower pee story too earlier that day.

Yeah. What a theme.

tigrissky: Tiger in Green Sea (Hobbes)
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Tue, May. 15th, 2007 14:25
tigrissky: Tiger in Green Sea (Default)
me: I gots Anchorman and Aeon Flux coming to me to watch this week

fwap: does Anchorman look like Will Ferrell?

me: what? Anchorman is WilL Ferrel lol
not people with nicknames
the movies
man I gotta stop nicknaming people

fwap: lmao
I thought you had new peeps coming to watch at karaoke
I'm thinking Aeon Flux must be some hot chick

me: lmfao
man that was good stuff

fwap: don't EVER stop nicknaming people!
it's awesome!
poor Lumberjack

me: lmao
yeah thats the worst nickname I ever came up with

fwap: but appopriate
and what would we have done without Ron Jeremy, Hyde, Wolverine and the Wolfman?

me: we would have had a "fashionable fight with all the finest people attending"


(no subject)

Thu, Apr. 6th, 2006 12:07
tigrissky: Tiger in Green Sea (Default)

American McGee's - Alice in Wonderland American McGee's - Alice in Wonderland

True Friendship
Are you tired of those sissy-ass "friendship" poems that always sound good, but never actually come close to reality? Well, here is a series of promises of true friendship:

1. When you are sad -- I will help you get drunk and plot revenge against the sorry bastard who made you sad.
2. When you are confused -- I will use little words.
3. When you are blue -- I will try to dislodge whatever is choking you.
4. When you smile -- I will know you finally got lucky.
5. When you are sick -- Stay the hell away from me until you are well again. I don't want whatever you have.
6. When you are scared -- I will rag on you about it every chance I get.
7. When you are worried -- I will tell you horrible stories about how much worse it could be until you quit whining.
8. When you fall -- I will point at you and laugh at your clumsy ass.

This is my oath I pledge to the end. "Why?" you may ask; "because you are my friend".

tigrissky: Tiger in Green Sea (Default)
So, I am very good with being open and free thinking and just blurting things out and then remembering, "you are at work and although that was okay to say in your head it is not so appropriat for work." *grins*

A few quick examples:

1. The vendor creating the software we were using was visiting for a week to offer us onsite support with our User Analysis Training (UAT). I am in fact the one who is doing most of the defect tracking and logging. Rusty, one of the vendors who is just a few feet and some looks shy of being a duplicate of my husband, says to me as I stand with my team getting ready to head into a meeting, "I need to talk with you for about an hour sometime today about tracking the defects," to which I promptly say, "oh great so after this meeting I'm getting spanked."

2. There are a lot of bugs with the current software and we aren't positive how a couple of the sections will even operate at this point. My co-worker who is the training coordinator has to come up with a work flow analysis and lead it to teach our internal employees how they will use the system and how their work will change. Well, it's a little impossible to do that since we don't even know fully how the system will run. I say to her, "you have to just create a CYA work flow and document in their clearly that you are really covering your ass." She agrees we go about our business. A few days later we have a meeting were the Project Manager says, "I know that a lot of work we need down now is complicated by the fact we aren't confident if the system will run how we need it to or not but just do your best and get what you can to us assuming it will." I promptly reply with, "yeah gotta make sure everything we write has the CYA covered in it."

3. Talking about print rules with our visiting vendors during UAT Rusty and Paul. I explain that when printing amendments to the record the new systems address catergories are too many and we need a rule that combines them all into one and just prints the word Address on the form. Currently the system breaks the address down into the following catergories:
Street Number ie 800
Pre-Directional ie NE
Street Name ie Oregon
Post Directional ie SW
Suite/Apy ie #225
"Can't you just have it print an abbreviation, like P.Dir?" asks Rusty. I hold up the Death Certficate point at the page and say, "there is no PETER (ie P. Dir sounded out) on this page." (This one was an accident though and not necessarily my inablity to control my mouth.)

4. This past week we had Rusty and Matt out for internal training and technical support. During a demo of the next installment we will be working on, Birth, we see that they collect STD information on the mother for statistical reasons. Matt, Sandra and I are in the back of the room and we are always silly together anyway. We get to this page and Matt says, "oh man I bet when those tests come back positive during pregnancy a lot of divorces happen." To which Sandra and I say, "yeah but it would be the husbands fault." Matt says, "yeah thats what I meant, I mean what would you do?" Both Sandra and I agree this would lead to divorce for us. Then I bring up Denise Richards, Charlie "Man-Whore" Sheens wife, and the fact that the tabloids are reporting that she is undergoing HIV testing do to Charliee whoring around. Matt says, "yeah but he has that sex disease." I'm like, "nymphomania?" He's like yes. "Well so do I," I blurt-out.

So, as you can see I tend to speak first and realize that I am not in an open free-thinking area later. *grin*

Regarding the Nymphomanic comment. In my head I quite honestly thought I was making a good point. By nature we are ALL nymphomaniacs. Saying you are addicted to sex is like saying you need air to breath and us saying, "oh so thats why he stole that old mans oxygen mask, its okay then, he needed air." When you decide to committ and be monogamous then you are bound by your honor to do so. Of course you are still a nympho dumb ass, it's naturally inherent in the human species to not be monogamous. Yet you have told this person who you are committing to you will be monogamous for them. There for you no longer have the excuse of, "Im a nympho hunny, sorry, nothing I can do about it." Because quiet obviously there is, you can say no tard-nuts. You can't blame nymphomania for your inablity to control your actions. In life those are the ONLY things you have control over, your actions.

This is not to say I don't understand the temptations, oh I so do. But holy-fuck, if you are going to cheat after taking an oathe not to then you better fucking well be prepared to live with the consequences of your actions.



tigrissky: Tiger in Green Sea (Default)

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