Note: I have been composing this rambling ever changing post for a few weeks now. I do not think it is going to make cohesive sense but sections of it will for sure make sense - to me anyway.
To dream of Her
Flowing golden hair
Piercing silver almond eyes
A snowy white owl perched atop Her throne
The sword of equity on her right
The scales of justice on her left
There I sit at Her feet
Her right hand man
Only I am a woman
Protected by a Tiger
Companion of a Wolf
Lead by an Elephant
Fancied by a Cock
I started writing this piece over a week ago. It was a writing prompt from a tumblr
blog I follow called Write World
. Daily they post prompts to help people sit down and write something. One of these prompts is called, "A Picture says a thousand words, now write them." This throne image reminded me of dreams I use to have on a regular basis. Dreams in which adventuring with Jax was the norm and the Greek Gods were my friends.
Dreams that ended so very long ago.
Anyway ... who knows if I will ever finish or come back to this piece. I'm just leaving it here because it is what it is and it means something to me. Even if it is not a piece anyone else will ever understand.
Speaking of understanding I finally had a moment of clarity and within a few days of that moment I deleted my Facebook account.
It was a long time coming.
The same goes for letting go of a lot of other things I am not letting go of that I most likely really should.
The clarity also helped me to get down to the root, (what I believe is the root anyway
), of my current level of anxiety in dealing with some of my social interactions. It seems like it took a lot of anger, regret, self-loathing, self-judgement, denial, acceptance and some more anger, self-loathing, self-judgement, denial, (but no regret this time!
) to finally tune in on this piece: I CAN NOT JUST BE ME ANYMORE.
No, I do not mean I need to change who I am and be something I am not. I mean that, the person who I am has become unacceptable in some of the social circles I am a part of.
I have to hold my tongue and watch everything I say now. I cannot just BE ME
without worry of judgement, questioning, or even worse, people not willing to confront me; resorting instead to talking negatively about me with others when I am not around.
This is what I mean by, I can no longer just be me. In so much I am now uncomfortable and typically filled with anxiety before, during, and after every social interaction I have. This anxiety is even more so, and more relevantly damaging, with interactions I have with some of my closest friends. A few of whom, I have to admit, are not as close as they use to be. Which just adds another higher level of anxiety and discomfort during, but even more so a depression after; my interactions with them.
I find myself apologizing all the time; back-tracking and explaining every nuance of what I say so it cannot be mistaken. Then following all that up by asking and attempting to ensure I am understood. More often then not I find myself just remaining silent. Keeping silent eases the stress as I do not have to think and re-think before or after I speak; which also ensures there is no need to apologize, back-track, explain all my nuances, and ensure nothing has been mistook.
In short, social interactions take so much out of me now that my preference is just to avoid them altogether. Which is easy since I am pretty broke, (well not broke just being ultra conservative and trying to get rid of a few debts so I can adventure more!
), and not really able to afford to go anywhere or do a lot of activities anymore anyway.
Don't get me wrong, I LOVE LOVE LOVE!!
my friends, my family, social interaction and I know how important it is to express and share that love. Right now though, that priority is so much struggle and grief that I am actually appreciative of the world forcing me into a big break from it.
I don't really know exactly what I will do yet to squelch the anxiety but I am actively aware and therefore actively working on it. Baby steps!
When I was a child my mom and stepdad repaired hot air balloons for a living in Black Forest Colorado. I use to ride in them all the time. I loved it! It is exhilarating!
I haven't been in a hot air balloon since I was probably 8.
My step-dad also owns (perhaps owned is the more appropriate term there since last I talked to him, over a decade ago, he was trying to sell his business
) an airplane repair shop. He started it in Colorado Springs. That is a great place for flyers. The air force academy is there as well and he was sometimes called to help fix things out there. I flew all over the place when I was little. From tiny planes to air force choppers. I got air sick often but was always excited to fly.
When I was 5 I started flying on commercial airliners to visit my dad every other summer. That was even more exhilarating as I got to do this really grown-up thing alone.
I grew up loving being in the air ... what happened to that piece of me? If a hot air balloon ride was offered now I would let it pass by. My fear would ruin it. I get in airplanes now coated in so much anxiety that if it were not for my desire to see and experience as much of the world as possible I would never get in a airplane again.
I use to enjoy being in the water too. It was just a couple years a ago when I discovered that swimming and putting my face in the water scare the crap outta me. I did it though, swam the half mile in the Columbia River, face in (sometimes
) and then proceeded to bike and run to the finish. I stayed so close to shore that it was embarrassing; the water didn't even go to my waist! I did it though. That is what matters. I truly hope to get on track to do it again next year as well. Taking time this fall and winter to get back into swimming with Floodplain, who is such a good motivator for me. We shall see.
Let's just say that everything in my world seems a little off kilter right now. Like my feet have been taken out from underneath me and I am struggling to get them back while the world just holds me here.
Why do I do what I do?
What do I stand for?
What are my values?
Why do they matter?
What role do I play in helping others succeed?
What is my contribution to the betterment of mankind?
What is my own commitment to my own evolution and self-realization?
These are the questions that matter. I think I may need to re-examine my answers to them. Hell, I don't know that I have necessarily ever answered them all anyway.
I don't know if I will share the answers. Yet I have given myself a goal to have them done by Samhain. This Samhain being my 9th year with my community, the 9th year being a time of death. Having these questions answered by then seems so telling of the seeds I will need to plant over the winter. Seeds that will aid in the formation of what will start blooming for me this next spring and what I will begin harvesting over the next nine year cycle.
I remain hopeful the phoenix that rises from the ashes will find her place in community and family again. If she does not, I hope she can let go with as little discomfort as possible and manage to keep the love, friendship, and truly amazingly honorable people she has come to know in her life - even with such a big loss and change.
We shall see.
~TigressSky~"Life is a series of natural and spontaneous changes. Don't resist them - that only creates sorrow. Let reality be reality. Let things flow naturally forward in whatever way they like." ~Lao Tzu