To Doubts

Fri, Mar. 24th, 2017 22:41
tigrissky: Tiger in Green Sea (Marilyn Monroe Goddess)
Awakening
~TigriSky, March 24, 2017

Back in your arms again, and all I can think is why?
Can't I make this happen?
Can't I?

The voice of doubt
The devil on the wing of my plane
Looking in as I sit in the cockpit
Wondering if anyone is really there
Or is it all really just this breath
Before I am lost in the motor cortex

Back in your arms again, and all I can think is why?
Can't I make this happen?
Can't I?

The voice of reason
Professes all of the treasonous ways
In which this plane won't even get off the ground
If I don't even try to see it through
To this mistake and then the next
So just take in this deep breath
Get lost in the motor cortex

Back in your arms again, and all I can think is why?
Can't I make this happen?
Can't I?

The voice of jealousy
Screams it's applause of the failures
Brought to a table of cards
Dealt by an established King and Queen
Since when do peasants step foot
In such monarchy

Back in your arms again, and all I can think is why?
Can't I make this happen?
Can't I?

The voice of beauty whispers
Sweet nothings of the transformation
From pupae to birth of a butterfly
Slipping from the sins of the truth
Slithering on the belly of nature
Until one day you spread your wings
You can fly

You can fly
tigrissky: Tiger in Green Sea (Marilyn Monroe Goddess)
This is one of the first Lucero songs I learned to strum.



Seeing this youthful vision makes me nostalgic for a time when life seemed more crowded in the dualities of love and loneliness. A time when there was always a friend to drink with and a shoulder to lean on. Not much of that time can be found anymore.

I don't rightly know all the reasons why, I know a few though. Change is inevitable and love can weary the heart. Oh but how I have loved.

~TigrisSky
tigrissky: Tiger in Green Sea (Marilyn Monroe Goddess)


2017 quickly approaches, allowing a moment to reflect on the numerologically defined "9" this year has definitely been. I can only nod my head, in a form of acceptance and, perhaps a bit of appreciation, for the way it all played out. As a sort of initiation into the questionable form our human civilization is divisively taking towards becoming ...

Speaking of becoming; now is also a time to reflect upon the person I became in 2016. As well as postulate hopeful scenarios of the person I wish to become in 2017. How resolutely I succeed in accomplishing my "becoming" is affected directly by my willingness to change the reflections of that which "became" me.

artemis and apollo barry windsor smith.jpg

I am taken back six months, to a reflection from my birthday, of which the following seems relevant to share in order to understand my resolve for 2017.

"I am the artist of my truth, my wisdom, my experience and I do not intend to forget the pictures I have created along the way. Some of them bolder and louder than others. All of them a reflection of my creation myth.

A myth that started 39 years ago in a different time, in a different place. The history of which has ridden a wave of historic change in which I have had zero affect in shaping.

I am simply human. Part of a species advancing phenomenally as a whole. If such advancement, of a single species, to the detriment of so much around it, is to be considered a phenomenon. Which, even within my cynicism, I am left feeling is phenomenal. Knowing, in the grand scheme of the Universe, the Earth is but a tiny speck of dust, and the human species barely of microscopic consequence.

Yet, at the same time, we are the Universe experiencing itself. We are made of the stars, born of the sun and moon, birthed by an Earth mother that has created the perfect environment in which such a species can thrive. An environment in which we can learn, manipulate, and create through nothing more complex than a simple quiet moment in observance of nature.

It is in those silent moments that I am most grateful. Grateful for the experience becoming absolutely nothing more than a momentary microscopic breathe, on a cosmic speck of floating dust, in the vastness of a Universe I cannot even comprehend a minuscule fraction of, has granted me.

If you are reading this, it most likely granted me you.

No matter how briefly or incompletely I have loved and I have been loved. Unabashedly. Luckily. Sometimes even miserably. Only the Gods them self are able to comprehend, in one brief vision, the overall importance in such love."


On top of the vanity of the 20 pounds I vow to lose, this knowledge is what I vow to build from and upon in 2017.

To remain grateful for whatever amount of love for me exists in this world; in the hearts of those who keep me in their life, in whatever way they may choose to keep me.

To remain silent and observant to the nature of the world around me and the self that is developing within.

To attempt to paint some masterpieces worth remembering, even if they are heartbreaking, and most especially if they are love making!

To remember I am simply stardust, experiencing the Universe, as a form of life sculpted of the Mother known as Earth, guided by an invisible Father called Time; and, in spite of this travesty, I will continue to try and become more anyway!

Happy New Year!




With much love,
~TigrisSky

Budding

Sat, Dec. 31st, 2016 13:00
tigrissky: Tiger in Green Sea (Marilyn Monroe Goddess)
These many years spent, inventing, investing, invigorating, all to the benefit of a thief. She who could not comprehend what made the treasure she now possessed of such value. In broad daylight, in front of everyone, aided by some; looking straight into your eyes, shaking your hand with a smile, as if receiving rather than taking.

What was never yours to begin with.

None of it ever is.

Often, children are not given the credit in knowing the world for what it really is - chaos. We become stronger, more independent beings, because of this chaos, not in spite of it. While those sheltered are the first and most easily deceived by it. Consumed by the desire to reach a perfection chaos simply can never allow. Creating nothing more than a life of missed moments, that could have been spent, reveling in disorder and imperfection.

Out of darkness comes life.

Of course it hurts.

~TigrisSky ©December 31, 2016
tigrissky: Tiger in Green Sea (starbuck)
maned-wolf-660x439

1. The Maned Wolf - Elegant, gentle, innovative; the maned wolf, or kalak, is a spirit of independence. Aloof and secretive, sometimes avoidant but steadfast and loyal once trust has been gained. A maned wolf totem can teach us to follow our own path and not give in to the pressures to conform. Maned world people tend to be unique, individualistic, sensitive, shy, and are often misunderstood.

manedwolf

2.Maned Wolf - Exceptional Insight
Unique and exceptional insights, laterally approaching problems, an ability to gain insight into any situation with the application of visualisation/meditation, overcoming obstacles that previously hindered you, knowing how to look after yourself, knowing your body better than others, the power of mantras and song, working with ancestors, secret-keeping, hiding what you consider vulnerable, natural energy shielding, an ability with the curative powers of fruits, vegetables and herbs.

Favorite Food of Maned Wolf - Solanum lycocarpum = Wolf Apples, Fruita de Lobo, Lobeira - Currently, there are no proven medicinal uses for the wolf apple, but the plant is used in the local folk medicine for diabetes and is the object of pharmaceutical research. It is believed that the apples protect the maned wolf from infection by the giant kidney worm, which is usually fatal for the animal.

Maned Wolf's Biggest Enemy - Dioctophyme Renale: commonly referred to as the "giant kidney worm" is a parasitic roundworm whose mature form is found in the kidneys of mammals. D. renale is distributed worldwide, but is less common in Africa and Oceania. It affects fish eating mammals, particularly mink and dogs. Human infestation is rare, but results in destruction of the kidneys. Upon diagnosis through tissue sampling, the only treatment is surgical excision.

maned wold

The coincidences in how this new totem fits are eerily accurate to my "self".

I am studying more about this species, which is the last surviving of a genus of canid that has no other descendants on this planet. What I mean by that is that they are not really a wolf at all and are not related to any dog species alive on the planet right now. They are the literal last of their species. They are their own branch of the tree of life - connected to nothing else that hasn't already been completely lost to humanity and the world.

Maned-Wolf-Joel-Sartore1

From Wikipedia: The maned wolf bears minor similarities to the red fox, though it should be noted that it belongs to a completely different genus. The adult animal stands 67 to 107 cm (26 to 42 in) tall at the shoulder, averages 125 cm (49 in) in head-and-body length and weighs 20 to 34.09 kg (44.1 to 75.2 lb).

The maned wolf is the tallest of the wild canids. The long legs are probably an adaptation to the tall grasslands of its native habitat. The tail measures 28 to 45 cm (11 to 18 in) in length.

Fur of the maned wolf may be reddish brown to golden orange on the sides with long, black legs and a distinctive black mane. The coat is further marked with a whitish tuft at the tip of the tail and a white "bib" beneath the throat. The mane is erectile, and is typically used to enlarge the wolf's profile when threatened or when displaying aggression.

The maned wolf is also known for its distinctive odor, which has earned it the nickname "skunk wolf."


Time to connect deeper and find out what this totem may offer in a journey to our community - and to myself.

~TigressSky~

Who Am I?

Tue, Aug. 6th, 2013 10:51
tigrissky: Tiger in Green Sea (starbuck)
Note: I have been composing this rambling ever changing post for a few weeks now. I do not think it is going to make cohesive sense but sections of it will for sure make sense - to me anyway.

throne

To dream of Her
Flowing golden hair
Piercing silver almond eyes
A snowy white owl perched atop Her throne
The sword of equity on her right
The scales of justice on her left

There I sit at Her feet
Her right hand man
Only I am a woman
Protected by a Tiger
Companion of a Wolf
Lead by an Elephant
Fancied by a Cock

I started writing this piece over a week ago. It was a writing prompt from a tumblr blog I follow called Write World. Daily they post prompts to help people sit down and write something. One of these prompts is called, "A Picture says a thousand words, now write them." This throne image reminded me of dreams I use to have on a regular basis. Dreams in which adventuring with Jax was the norm and the Greek Gods were my friends.

Dreams that ended so very long ago.

Anyway ... who knows if I will ever finish or come back to this piece. I'm just leaving it here because it is what it is and it means something to me. Even if it is not a piece anyone else will ever understand.

Speaking of understanding I finally had a moment of clarity and within a few days of that moment I deleted my Facebook account.

It was a long time coming.

The same goes for letting go of a lot of other things I am not letting go of that I most likely really should.

The clarity also helped me to get down to the root, (what I believe is the root anyway), of my current level of anxiety in dealing with some of my social interactions. It seems like it took a lot of anger, regret, self-loathing, self-judgement, denial, acceptance and some more anger, self-loathing, self-judgement, denial, (but no regret this time!) to finally tune in on this piece: I CAN NOT JUST BE ME ANYMORE.

No, I do not mean I need to change who I am and be something I am not. I mean that, the person who I am has become unacceptable in some of the social circles I am a part of.

I have to hold my tongue and watch everything I say now. I cannot just BE ME without worry of judgement, questioning, or even worse, people not willing to confront me; resorting instead to talking negatively about me with others when I am not around.

This is what I mean by, I can no longer just be me. In so much I am now uncomfortable and typically filled with anxiety before, during, and after every social interaction I have. This anxiety is even more so, and more relevantly damaging, with interactions I have with some of my closest friends. A few of whom, I have to admit, are not as close as they use to be. Which just adds another higher level of anxiety and discomfort during, but even more so a depression after; my interactions with them.

I find myself apologizing all the time; back-tracking and explaining every nuance of what I say so it cannot be mistaken. Then following all that up by asking and attempting to ensure I am understood. More often then not I find myself just remaining silent. Keeping silent eases the stress as I do not have to think and re-think before or after I speak; which also ensures there is no need to apologize, back-track, explain all my nuances, and ensure nothing has been mistook.

In short, social interactions take so much out of me now that my preference is just to avoid them altogether. Which is easy since I am pretty broke, (well not broke just being ultra conservative and trying to get rid of a few debts so I can adventure more!), and not really able to afford to go anywhere or do a lot of activities anymore anyway.

Don't get me wrong, I LOVE LOVE LOVE!! my friends, my family, social interaction and I know how important it is to express and share that love. Right now though, that priority is so much struggle and grief that I am actually appreciative of the world forcing me into a big break from it.

I don't really know exactly what I will do yet to squelch the anxiety but I am actively aware and therefore actively working on it. Baby steps!

Hot Air Balloons - Cappodoccia

When I was a child my mom and stepdad repaired hot air balloons for a living in Black Forest Colorado. I use to ride in them all the time. I loved it! It is exhilarating!

I haven't been in a hot air balloon since I was probably 8.

My step-dad also owns (perhaps owned is the more appropriate term there since last I talked to him, over a decade ago, he was trying to sell his business) an airplane repair shop. He started it in Colorado Springs. That is a great place for flyers. The air force academy is there as well and he was sometimes called to help fix things out there. I flew all over the place when I was little. From tiny planes to air force choppers. I got air sick often but was always excited to fly.

When I was 5 I started flying on commercial airliners to visit my dad every other summer. That was even more exhilarating as I got to do this really grown-up thing alone.

I grew up loving being in the air ... what happened to that piece of me? If a hot air balloon ride was offered now I would let it pass by. My fear would ruin it. I get in airplanes now coated in so much anxiety that if it were not for my desire to see and experience as much of the world as possible I would never get in a airplane again.

I use to enjoy being in the water too. It was just a couple years a ago when I discovered that swimming and putting my face in the water scare the crap outta me. I did it though, swam the half mile in the Columbia River, face in (sometimes) and then proceeded to bike and run to the finish. I stayed so close to shore that it was embarrassing; the water didn't even go to my waist! I did it though. That is what matters. I truly hope to get on track to do it again next year as well. Taking time this fall and winter to get back into swimming with Floodplain, who is such a good motivator for me. We shall see.

feet taken away

Let's just say that everything in my world seems a little off kilter right now. Like my feet have been taken out from underneath me and I am struggling to get them back while the world just holds me here.

Why do I do what I do?
What do I stand for?
What are my values?
Why do they matter?
What role do I play in helping others succeed?
What is my contribution to the betterment of mankind?
What is my own commitment to my own evolution and self-realization?

These are the questions that matter. I think I may need to re-examine my answers to them. Hell, I don't know that I have necessarily ever answered them all anyway.

I don't know if I will share the answers. Yet I have given myself a goal to have them done by Samhain. This Samhain being my 9th year with my community, the 9th year being a time of death. Having these questions answered by then seems so telling of the seeds I will need to plant over the winter. Seeds that will aid in the formation of what will start blooming for me this next spring and what I will begin harvesting over the next nine year cycle.

I remain hopeful the phoenix that rises from the ashes will find her place in community and family again. If she does not, I hope she can let go with as little discomfort as possible and manage to keep the love, friendship, and truly amazingly honorable people she has come to know in her life - even with such a big loss and change.

We shall see.

~TigressSky~

"Life is a series of natural and spontaneous changes. Don't resist them - that only creates sorrow. Let reality be reality. Let things flow naturally forward in whatever way they like." ~Lao Tzu

what is love

Thu, Mar. 1st, 2012 12:16
tigrissky: Tiger in Green Sea (Hobbes Heart)
Ben Nichols of Lucero

Where the sunlight stops, my heart begins.

Things. How have "things" been? The simple answer is of course fine. Yet what does fine mean anyway?

A few nights ago I had a dream in which Ben Nichols, (pictured above), the lead singer of Lucero, was the star. It was a strangely revealing dream for me. I was, dressed in rock-a-billy-pin-up fashion, at one of his shows. I had drank too much whiskey and was slurring along to his songs leaning against the front of the stage. Afterwards I went into the bar, but this time I wasn't waiting around to get an opportunity to chat with him. This time he came to me. He smiled, his coy smile, and in that deep gravely voice of his said, "what are you doing after all this dies down?"

Well what did I say? )

The two most significant pieces I found in these dreams were:

1) It is obvious my relationship with my Baby is serious and deep in my heart. That obnoxious
perfectness I feel is true and the light-foot my heart dances with right now is real and true.

2) Over the past three years, my strong need to figure out how sex fits in my life drove me slowly closer and closer to finding my hearts path is monogamy. With this discovery my heart is no longer weighing heavy questions of its logic upon me. Sex is sacred and a form of love, yes. Yet, I finally understand that my deep love with someone has nothing to do with having sexual intimacy with them. My Baby and I share some of the most intimate moments totally clothed, cuddled on a couch, watching Battlestar Galactica!

In fact sex, while being so fucking amazing and mind-blowing with my Baby (a whole other post entirely!), is not something that is top priority in us being together. As well, sex is not a priority in love. It is an amazing feeling to understand that about the love I offer. The gift of my true deep love, does not equate with "fucking" as much as I use to think it did. I am still working out how I show that love exists and how I gift it to others - yet, sex is not it. I finally, understand that and in ways I cannot properly describe, monogamy has become so utterly beautiful to me. Sex has become something I just want to share with one person and in doing that, I finally understand, I am not limiting my ability to share my love with others.

Not one little bit.

~TigressSky~

Lucky Shirt!

Mon, Mar. 22nd, 2010 14:03
tigrissky: Tiger in Green Sea (Default)

“The Shirt”
Jane Kenyon

The shirt touches his neck
and smooths over his back.
It slides down his sides.
It even goes down below his belt—
down into his pants.
Lucky shirt.

----------

Oh the men I see daily. When haven't I wanted to be that shirt? Yum. The temptation of being a man's shirt; sliding along beside the best parts of a man, his chest, his stomach, his back, his arms, trailing into his pants. When I am beside a naked man my hands wander along these areas freely, taking in the curves, the warmth, the softness and the smell of him. This is the area of a man one is swept into as he holds you close to him, wrapping you in a feeling of luxurious safeness. For the moments spent here, you feel at peace. A shirt spends all day wrapped languidly around these oh so glorious parts of a man. Oh what wouldn't I give to be that shirt. Lucky, lucky shirt.

----------

Last night I dreamt of a man, dark hair, blue eyes, tall, thin and covered in lean muscle. We were traveling together with two others; a younger man and what seemed to be their mother, or someone with authority over them. There was a desirous tension growing between he and I, yet, it seemed like what we felt was not allowed. The mother figure was in charge and she seemed to ensure that he and I were never alone together. Yet finally, right before the alarm was to go off, she put us together. She acknowledged our desire and as he whispered something heart capturing to me, I looked into his eyes, felt his hand run down my cheek as he leaned in and kissed me.

Oh how good it felt to be desired again. To be wanted. I felt my heart flutter, my stomach jump circles and my body melted into his control.

He was shirtless and as we lay down I placed my head on his bare chest and breathed in the scent of him. The smell of a man full of desire for me. His hands brushed through my hair as I ran my finger along the trail of hair leading into his pants. He was young, so the hair was sparse and very downey soft.

He twisted himself to where I was now on my back and he was propped up on one arm peering down at me. His smile was so captivating and he said something alluding to the fact he did not want to have sex just yet, he wanted to hold me and explore the feeling of us being interwined. He stripped me and himself and we curled into each other, wrapped up tightly together. I was thin and beautiful again and I fit perfectly into his embrace. Our hands explored the soft warmth of each others skin. As he kissed me again the alarm began to buzz and I had to let him go.

I wanted to go back to sleep and be with him. It was not going to happen. So I got up and headed to work where I sit sufferng from depression, and thoughts of wanting to be desired like that again are overwhelming me as well. Im trying to concentrate on working too, but it is so hard when there is this much emotion coursing throughout your body.



I have always wanted to be the "green eyes" sung about in this song. This dream brought me into the arms of that feeling.

~TigressSky~
tigrissky: Tiger in Green Sea (Dark Beauty)
For the past two nights in a row I have awoken, three times; screaming bloody murder in a more terrifying manner than you have ever heard in any horror movie. The Bastard has had to comfort me and calm me each time aiding in fully awakening me so the visions disappear. Im not certain what causes these night terrors but I have had times in my life where they happen nightly for months, or times when they occur sporadically, and Ive also had times where they dont happen at all. I hope I am not back to having them regularly as they may cause double heart attacks for the Bastard and I. How will the Medical Examiner explain it?

The first time it happened the Bastard had gotten up in the middle of the night because he could not sleep. He shut the bedroom door so the sounds of his being awake would not disturb my sleep. Just moments before he was on his way back to bed the screaming began.

When I sleep, very often I have my eyes open and I am seeing the room I am in as it is except there are other "beings" present. Usually I know Im asleep still. However, the moments when I feel like I am awake and there is someone in the room that shouldn't be there are when I basically freak out.

This particular night I opened my eyes to find a male form standing at the very foot of the bed. He was wrapped up in a thick heavy white blanket; it may have been wool or fur. What I distinctly remember about the figure is that the way it was wrapped up reminded me of those old stereotypical black and white photos you would see of Native Americans similar to this one:



I could not make out any facial features, just that it seemed to have human form and was wrapped in the blanket. It felt as if it had been standing over me, staring down at me, as if it were at my wake. I imagined it had been there for a long time. The moment I saw it I screamed out the Bastards name and yelled, "help me!"

I must have reached for him and realized he was not in the bed. This caused me to scream fiercer and louder as I stared at the non moving figure staring at me and realized there was no way I could get away from it. I was trapped.

Meanwhile the Bastard is outside the bedroom door and he knows what is going on behind it. He knows I have my eyes open, that I am looking at the foot of the bed and that I see something and am scared. The problem he encounters is a fear that as he opens the door I will see something else entering and freak out more. The door also is at the foot of the bed, in plain view, which means that I will see it open.

The Bastard decides the best thing to do is to barely open the door, stick his arm in and turn on the light. He hopes this will help me to awaken fully and stop screaming.

This doesnt work because just as the Bastard expected, I do think someone else is now trying to come in. I see the door open slightly and the light comes in through the crack along with an arm and this causes me to scream even louder.

I hear the Bastard's voice as he flicks on the light and opens the door fully, "its just me, its just me, its okay, its just me."

It's not okay though. The figure is still there. The light is on and the figure is still there. I realize it is the Bastard, I realize he is coming in the door and turning on the light but that figure is still there. And to add more creepiness to it, all of the stuff Corey is doing is in the background - opening the door, turning on the light, rushing to me, -it is all really happening in the background of this figure. As if the figure is really there.

I am still screaming bloody murder. In my head I think the Bastard must see the figure too. That the Bastard is going to attack this figure? I am worried we are going to be injured? What are we going to do?

The Bastard does not see the figure, he just rushes to the bed scoops me into his arms and says, "its alright, its okay, its just me, its just me."

I focus on the figure again and it is gone.

I stop screaming and start bawling. My body is trembling harder than I can remember it has ever trembled before. The fear that is coursing through my body is nearly convulsive. The Bastard holds me and I cry.

All of the above happened in a matter of seconds, much quicker than it takes to read or write it. It was terrifying.

Later that evening I woke up screaming again. I saw someone come in the room again. This time it was under control much quicker as the Bastard was right beside me and got me to wake and calm easily. I curled up and fell back asleep.

Last night I awoke screaming yet again. I heard myself call out for the Bastard and again I couldnt seem to awake enough to stop seeing the figures at the foot of the bed.

This time I saw what looked like a tall dark shadowy male figure. It was looking down at me near the foot of the bed, yet closest to the bedroom door. I watched as its briefly looked out the bedroom door, waved its arm in a beckoning motion, changed it's view back to me and pointed at me.

Following the directions of this figure another large shadowy figure appeared in the hallway outside of the bedroom door and began walking into the room. This figure was not as tall as the one already in the room, but it was broader and rounder. It took up more space than the figure already in the room.

When looking out of my bedroom door at night into the hallway it is slightly lit up do to the window in the main room that faces the street and gets street lamp light shining through it. What freaks me out the most is that these moving shadowy figures always interact with the objects in the house, blocking my view and the light just like would happen if a real person were walking around. I dont know how my open eyes could be playing with shadows that perfectly.

All of this detail again happened in just moments and I was screaming from the moment I saw the figure at the foot of the bed to the moment it signaled the other figure to join it and look at me. I was crushing myself against the Bastard screaming for him to help me. Somehow, I finally woke up again. The Bastard holding me, comforting me, calming me down.

I couldnt stop staring at the bedroom doorway located just a few feet from the foot of my side of the bed. Because of this and the fact I wanted to cuddle the Bastard and feel safe and doing so made me face away from the door I made him switch sides with me. I dont know when I finally stopped focusing on the doorway and finally fell asleep.

I dont really know what is going on but I am tired of being startled awake in terror and screaming. I have had people tell me to just be calm and try and interact with these things. Yet how does one do that? Tell me if you were to wake up and see people in your room who shouldnt be there in the middle of the night would your first instinct be, "hi, how are you, what do you need?" I dont think it would be.

We will see how tonight goes...

~TigressSky~
Tags:

Hot Tub Dreams

Sat, Feb. 6th, 2010 14:34
tigrissky: Tiger in Green Sea (Bath)
Last night the Bastard and I did our evening run, had some sushi at the best sushi restaurant in PDX (IMO) Takahashi and then we went to Portland Tub n Tan and sat in the open air hot tub for an hour. It is amazing what being immersed in the hot water can do for a body. I haven't been that relaxed in a long, long time. Not to mention how wonderful getting to spend the time cuddled and giggly in the Bastard's arms was.

We came home and my body was drained and exhausted, but in a good relaxing calm way. It didn't take much for me to conk out and dream a million little whacky dreams. Two of which I remember and wanted to document, if your interested follow the cut. :)

what dreams hot tub's bring )

~TigressSky~

Again
Tags:
tigrissky: Tiger in Green Sea (Lucero)


can I talk to you for a minute; a dream )

As the dream played on like a movie in my head the song that played over and over again in the background was from Lucero's new album 1372 Overton Park, it is called Smoke. It makes me think of me. It makes me think of the hope I have with every relationship I have ever had, be it romantic, friendly, enemy, student, teacher or passing acquaintance.

It makes my crazy blood boil. It makes me want to run.



Smoke
Lucero

The Bike was on the street
Outside a midtown bar
He went looking for a drink
Wasn't looking very hard
She was sitting on his seat
When he came out the door
She said "run away with me."
He'd heard the line before
He said "better men than me
have been all but left behind."
She said "we're doing pretty good if we can just get out alive."

She wrapped her arms around his waist
Nowhere to run to anyways
They bolted out into the streets
Unknown and beautiful

Unknown and beautiful
Unknown and beautiful
Unknown and beautiful
Unknown and beautiful
Into the streets

Too many nights alone
Too many days gone by
With nothing much to show
She was running out of time
He was all she'd ever need
If they could just out run the past
She said "run away with me."
She tried but couldn't laugh
He said "lesser men than me
have put up better fights."
She said "we're doing pretty good if we can just get out alive."

She wrapped her arms around his waist
Nowhere to run to anyways
They bolted out into the streets
Unknown and beautiful

Unknown and beautiful
Unknown and beautiful
Unknown and beautiful
Unknown and beautiful

Freedom was all that she owned
She moved faster all on her own
But the freedom had left her,
left her drifting like smoke
Left her drifting like smoke

He'd come on off the road
On his shoulder laid her cheek
The bitter taste of smoke
The bike between her knees
The engine running loud
Couldn't hear her if he tried
She spoke into the wind,
"Run away with me tonight."


Run away with me tonight...
~TigressSky~
tigrissky: Tiger in Green Sea (starbuck)
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There is something about this song that opens a million doors inside my mind. A hundred million suns flashing about me as I dance in the mysteries the song answers to the questions we should be asking.

Im not afraid of anything, even time
It will eke away at everything, will be fine


Ive been daydreaming again about going overseas. My need to experience so much more than this little port can offer is breaking my heart. That doorway to the unknown is begging to be open as I stand in front of it being responsible. I have too much material holding me down. I need to throw off this anchor so I can run. I just wish I knew what it was made of, will I lose my heart, will I lose my mind, do I have to sell my soul?

Tell me that you want to dance
I want to feel your pulse on mine
Treat me like a stolen glance...to yourself


Oh how I want to dance, from hilltop to cityscape to the sea and the ocean great. I want to know it all, feel it all, wrap myself around it and fill myself with it like a lover. I want to kiss lips on foreign shores, chance encounters made from stolen glances. A sip of the finest local life that can be offered. Like Dracula drinking it all in and feeling my power grow.

A dark shape on a Golden floor
A sleeping planet with a molten core

Eruption, melting, the darkness of the soul removed. Eyes open, eyes shut, eyes open again in pure childish amazement at all that is and is not. Understanding and confusion filling the heart of curiosity as she lives life on the whim of a razor blade wire.

Im not afraid of anything, even time
It will eke away at everything, will be fine


Dont get me wrong, I love all I have and I dont want to lose what I know, I just want so much more. My crazy heart is boiling, do I listen to it?

~TigressSky~
tigrissky: Tiger in Green Sea (Drowning)
The Fish Dream:

I went to Tay's graduation, it was cold and stormy, by a river, in the woods. There was a football field and bleachers. Everything was so dark though, like a Louisanna swamp if Tim Burton were filming a movie there. The wind was blowing and I could barely see the football field from the top of the bleachers were I was forced to sit; alone.

When graduation was over everyone in the bleachers stood up and crowded out of the area and then it was just me there. I couldnt find any of my friends and I couldnt remember how I got there. Then suddenly I knew that the Bastard was fishing at the river waiting for me, so I headed toward the sound of the river.

When I got there the Bastard had a weird bucket full of all sorts of fish he had caught. "I want to take these home and add them to my fish tank," he sad with a large grin.

There were a lot of fish in the bucket, this was a fresh water river and yet he caught a stingray, seahorses, a blue and gold Dora looking fish, some goldfish, a large crab and a couple other large exotic looking fishing thats should only be found in the Ocean. "Can these fish go in your tank?" I asked.

"Of course they can," he replied as if I had asked the dumbest question ever.

"They look like salt water fish and there are a lot of them I dont know that you will have room."

"I caught them out of this fresh water river which means they are fresh water," he said to me coarsley. I waited for a "duhhhh!" to follow, however, he must have held that in.

"Are you going to continue fishing? Its getting cold and I cant find anyone."

He sighed with frustration, began reeling in his pole and packing his stuff away.

"We dont have to leave, I was just asking, Im fine staying."

"Can you grab the fish for me I dont have enough hands," he said as he began picking up all his gear.

"I dont want you to be mad, we can stay, its no big rush. Honest. I have my book and I can read."

He just walked off up the hill towards the car. I grabbed the fish and followed.

We rode in silence home, the radio in the small truck was loud, playing his iPod music, most of which I didnt know and most of which was angry. I watched the fish swimming in the bucket, I was most interested by the crab at the bottom, he was really big and kept trying to crawl up the side of the bucket. Wherever the crab was the other fish would swim and pile on top of each other on the other side away from him. Every now and then we would go over a bump, water would slosh out of the bucket onto me and the pile of fish would get precariously close to sloshing out with it. I giggled each time, I'd look at the Bastard, but he was just singing and driving, not noticing me at all.

We got to a house I knew was our place but I had never seen before. It was dark out by now and the Tim Burtonesque film scape remained. The house reminded me of the one "The Witch" lives in in the movie Big Fish. Grey, dank and falling apart.

We walked into the house and the Bastard immediatly started doing something in the kitchen. I was still carrying the bucket of fish and I eyed the large fish tank in the house. It was the only thing that was colorful and bright. There were a few large fish in it already and I was certain there just wasnt room for all these fish in the tank itself.

"Do you want me to put all these fish in the tank now? I dont think they will all fit."

No answer.

I walked farther into the kitchen, the fish tank itself was a divider between the kitchen and the living room so it wasnt like the Bastard couldn't hear my question. Just in case though I made sure I was in the same room as he was, no fish tank seperating us.

"Do you want me to put all these fish in the tank now?" I asked again.

"Sure."

I wrapped my left arm around the bucket, squeezing it close to me, it wasnt that big really. It was heavy though, full of water and fish sloshing around trying to avoid the crab. I reached for the fish net off the fish tank and decided I would take the crab out first so I could get the other fish to seperate and get them out of the bucket easier.

"Are you sure you want this crab in there? He is scaring all the fish."

"There isnt a crab."

"Yes there is, there is a big red crab in here and he is scaring the other fish. I dont think it is safe to put him in the tank."

"There is no crab in there," he said angrily as if I was full of it.

I scooped the crab out of the bucket and into the tiny net, "yes there is look!", I said. The net was to small and the crab fell on the floor and began scurrying away. I used the fish net to catch him and hold him down. Meanwhile the bucket sloshed water and I almost spilled the fish out. I leaned backwards to keep the fish safe and in doing so I crushed the crab to the floor with the fish net.

"What the hell?" the Bastard said as he looked at the crab crushed and dieing on the floor under the net. I just looked in shock, I couldn't believe I had just killed the crab. "Well, I guess there was a crab in there. It's dead now so you dont need to put it in the tank anymore," the Bastard said laughing sarcastically at me as he popped the top off of a beer.

"Whatever," I whispered under my breath feeling guilty I just crushed the crab.

I stood up, tossing my hair out of my face and went back to my task of getting the fish into the tank. Some of them were dead, maybe crushed and suffocated by the other fish during the time they were piling away from the crab. Others were floating as if they may die and the rest seemed to be swimming and fine. I knew I needed to get them out of the bucket and into the fish tank but I really didnt think they would all fit. There were just to many left, even with the ones that had died and those that were dieing.

"They wont all fit," I said to the Bastard. He didnt respond so I said it again louder, "hun, all these fish wont fit."

He walked over to me and said, "whats the problem," as he grabbed the sting ray out of the water by the sides of his flattened body. "You just take them out of the bucket and put them in the tank like this," he said to me with anger and frustration as he set the sting ray in the tank. "You think you can do that?"

I just nodded my head and he walked back into the kitchen.

I used the net and began catching the live fish one at a time and putting them in the tank. It was fun looking at all the different types. I soon changed my focus from the thriving fish to those that were bordering on dieing in a hopes that transfering them into the now crowded tank would help revive them. A few of the seahorses seemed to be dieing but as soon as I put them in the tank they sprang back to life. I watched them skirt about the tank dodging the loads of fish already in the tank.

Suddenly the sting ray jumped out of the tank, into the air, landing with a splash back in the tank. Other fish followed suit and I knew I had to get the lid on soon as they would more than likely jump out of the tank and onto the floor if I didnt.

"There are too many of them," I said giggling as they sprang up and I used the net to ensure they went back in the tank and not on the floor while I myself hurriedly emptied the fish from the bucket.

"What is taking you so long?" The Bastard questioned with a touch of arrogance in his voice as questioning my ability to get things done. "It wouldn't take me so long."

I didnt respond.

I continued taking fish out of the bucket and placing them into the now severely over-populated tank while making sure those who jumped didnt commit suicide by landing on the floor. I giggled while doing so when suddenly the Bastard came around the fish tank, eyes wide and staring at me.

"No wonder this is taking so long," he said as I completed depositing the last live fish into the tank via the fish net. He grabbed the bucket away from me and dumped the dead fish into the tank, "thats all you had to do," he then set the bucket on the ground and walked off.

I watched as the dead fish floated in a pile at the top of the over crowded tank and sighed as I began scooping them out with the net.

Then I woke up...

~TigressWeirdDreamerSky~
Tags:
tigrissky: Tiger in Green Sea (Default)
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Sometimes kissing is just like this.

Sometimes I miss this storyline.

~Tig~
tigrissky: Tiger in Green Sea (Default)
Here are 3 sure-fire steps that will take you from wishing upon a star to being one:

Imagine your dreams as if they already exist.

Speak as if they already exist.

And act as if they already exist.

And before long, you'll be hearing pretty much the same thing from virtually all of your old friends, "Wow, Tigress, I dig your self-worth... How did that happen so fast? You have to write a book! Must be nice..."

I know friends,

The Universe

I dreamt last night of Jax. It has been awhile since Ive seen him. A few months or more at the least. It was relaxing and at the same time I did not want to get up this morning, just wanted to keep dreaming.

Jax Dream - written as a story... )

When I woke up this morning I was contemplating how the Universe seems to play a bigger role in coincidences than even I recognize sometime. Fate or floating around like a feather on a breeze? Yeah I agree, its probably a little bit of both. Sometimes though fate has to smack your repeatedly with a stick before you even begin to see you are being hit. You may have always felt it but sometimes seeing is more of a reality than feeling. You know, when you are a logic based creature that is...

~TigressSky~
Tags:
tigrissky: Tiger in Green Sea (Default)


I had a dream were I was me now, in America, in the 21st century, but I was being persecuted like a Jew in WWII ridden Germany. It was so real, so intense and I can still feel the lye powder burning my eyes.

Dream - kind of long )

Have fun trying to analyze this one guys, its strange and I still havent even begun trying to understand what the fuck or where the fuck it came from.

Samhain thoughts )

The one thing I really recognized at Samhain and was able to accept without questioning. Without telling myself I was being an arrogant bastard. Without trying to beat myself up for something good in my life is that everyone really does love me and some of them love me just as much or maybe even more than I love them. Gods this feels so good to know. Whats most important about this is that all of this love is a love of me, all of me, my crazy faults, my pigheaded ideals, my insecure personality and all the positives as well. The Garden is the only home, only family, where I am finally allowed to be myself and loved more and more because of it.

When I first came to the Garden, exactly 4 years ago, I was quiet, reserved and scared to be vulnerable and loved by anyone. Now, 4 years later, I am the one standing in the West in ritual, taking those just embraced by Persephone and telling them, "its okay to open up, to be vulnerable," without my words and just my heart.

4 is my life path number. It seems fitting that my first time at the Garden was 4 years ago. That I met Sexxy and Foxx that night. That Grim kissed me and welcomed me into the circle. A circle in which the story of Peresphone's descent to the Underworld was told. That 4 years later I am standing in the Underworld, next to Persphone, welcoming people in and allowing them to be vulnerable and connect. That Sexxy, Foxx, Tay and Grim are all walking into the circle, sent from Peresphone's embrace to mine. That 4 years later I am myself completely and wholly and I am finally unafraid to be loved.

Life works in mysterious ways eh?

~TigressSky~

Note: I went to look for an image for this post and put in the words "persecution and love" in the Google Image search bar and this first image and webpage returned: http://www.nmessences.com/essences/wandering_jew.html

Im thinking this is NOT coincidence????
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tigrissky: Tiger in Green Sea (Body Kiss)
Last night I had some pretty weird dreams where I chatted with a lot of men I have fucked and I dont really remember what we chatted about, but I fucked them all again as well. I was in this large house filled with rooms, all were bedrooms, laid out exactly the same: my bed and its dark. Each room contained a man in my life that I have fucked. Most of them were recent ones and so most of them were community men. A few were old flames from high school and such. I would go from room to room, completely naked, crawl into bed with these men, have serious conversations with them and then they would fuck me and Id go to the next room. Some of them I would have way more serious conversations with than others, but Ill be damned if I can remember any of the conversations I had. A few of them I would visit again after having a conversation with one of the other ones that brought me more questions I needed to have answered by them. It was odd, and I suspect the purpose of the dream was to remember the fucking conversations, but I dont.

Anyway...

After waking up I stood in front of the bathroom mirror and decided to do what I call a "dental cleaning" on my teeth. I had woken up early and had the time. As I poked and prodded at my teeth, watching them ooze blood in great dripping quantities I spent a lot of time staring at myself. It all felt very ritualistic and at the same time I didnt try to control my thoughts. For once I wasnt planning out what I would wear or what I would work on when I arrived at work, instead, I just let my brain go where it wanted. It went somewhere pretty memorable and I have to say I didnt even really know that where it went was even on my mind.

I have always wanted to be pursued. I have always wanted that fantasy of a man seeing you and deciding he wants to pursue you, that you are just so overwhelmingly attractive to him that he is going to take steps to have you by his side. My brain started asking me, "where do you get this crap from? Movies? This has never happened to you ever so how do you even know what to expect? Fairytale scenes in movies are NOT real dear."

Then, just as quickly, my brain said, "this has to happened to you."

I remember at this point looking into my own eyes in the mirror, my mouth agape and bloody, and saying to myself with an overwhelming sense of seriousness, "what? When?"

Then it all played out in my head and I cant believe I ever forgot or put this to the side of my thoughts.

the details of this happening to me - LONG )

God Damn it though! I have had it happen to me. It is real. I have been pursued before and Im not building my wants of it from fantasy. There is a reality out there, there is someone out there who will pursue me. I just know it.

I spit the blood from my mouth and smiled a bloody smile at myself as I began to rinse.

"I just have to wait for it thats all", I though to myself as I spit the final rinse out and smiled a clear blood free smile at myself.

"I just hope Im not left waiting forever."

~TigressSky~

weird dream

Wed, Oct. 10th, 2007 09:46
tigrissky: Tiger in Green Sea (Default)


Well, I dont remember much of anything but I had to document what I did remember. Insomniac dreams are as good as a meth heads dreams Im sure.

I was at a house party with Fwap, JX, some blond, Eddie Van Halen and Prince Albert. There were many other people there but these were my centers. Let me just say that Prince Albert was in my care, as in I had to have him somewhere on time and I was basically chauffering him around (except without the limo). And, in real life I have met and hung out with Prince Albert so its not entirely odd he was in my dream, I do know him.

Anyway...

JX was in the corner of the living room with some blond, I assume to be his girlfriend, arguing with this look of desperation, anger and sadness on his face. I wanted so bad to go over and be with him but I knew what my acknowledging him in anyway would mean. So, instead I hung out with Fwap.

Fwap was drunk and being loud and mean to me. She was hanging out with some guy I didnt know and talking about me like I wasnt there and pretending she was joking. She started saying how I couldnt even keep Prince Albert under control and we ended up at this stupid house party because of a crush I had that I couldnt even address since he was to busy with his girlfriend. She added that sometimes it was a drag to hang out with me because I was so naive in regards to men and she was sick of me whining about them. I tried to laugh it off with her and this guy, like she was just being silly, but I was getting hurt.

Meanwhile Prince Albert was watching some chicks pole dancing and having a good time. I checked my cell phone for the time, looked at JX wantingly and then sat at a table by myself letting Fwap and Prince Albert continue having their fun at the house party until we had to go. I could hear Fwap in the background, was watching JX tormentedly wanting to protect and comfort him and every now and then glancing at Prince Albert to make sure he was still around.

While sitting there Eddie Van Halen (80's Eddie Van Halen that is) came to my table and said, "what is a beautiful woman like you doing in a place like this."

(Please note although I think Eddie Van Halen is a unbelievably talented and far under apprieciated guitar player I am not attracted to him so this was odd.)

I smiled at him and some how in my dream I had this feeling like we had been friends for years. He grabbed my hand and had me stand up. He was taller than me (which I dont think is an actuality in real life), probably as tall as NewYork. He pulled me into his arms and held me to him.

I sighed with a relief, still hearing Fwap and still watching JX but feeling safe from it all in Eddie's arms.

Soon he reached his hand down, lifted my chin up and kissed me. I was shocked because we were just friends, "Ive always been attracted to you," Eddie said looking at me.

In my dream I felt the same and was very attracted to Eddie as well. I returned the gaze he was giving and said, "me too."

We made out, he made me laugh, we talked and giggled and I couldnt hear what Fwap was saying anymore because she had stopped talking and was looking at me disgustedly. JX was louder now, not only was he upset with the blond he was upset that I was with Eddie Van Halen.

Eddie said, "lets go to a bedroom you deserve to feel the good attention right now not the negative."

He led me to the bedroom and I heard Fwap say with anger, "dont spend too much time in there we have to go soon you are responsible for a Prince you know!"

"I know, I know, Ill be back out before we have to leave."

Eddie and I made out on a bed. We were practically naked. I could feel his hardness rubbing against my wetness, no penetration, just foreplay at this point. Then Fwap burst in and said, "jesus christ we have to go!"

So I got up quickly, kissed Eddie who looked at me and said, "Ill call", and then I headed out to get the Prince. JX was sitting by himself crying holding a stuffed lamb, I wanted to go to him. Fwap was behind me yelling how the Prince had gotten a cab and left with some stripper and Eddie was leaving.

Then my toilet in my house decided to refill itself like it had just been flushed waking me.

Weird eh?

~Tig~
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(no subject)

Tue, Aug. 28th, 2007 15:48
tigrissky: Tiger in Green Sea (Default)


I spent a couple hours on the phone last night in which I laughed and laughed and laughed. The insomnia I have been suffering was wiped out by all that laughter. At least that is the only thing different in my day that I can attribute the lack of insomnia too.

I wish so bad that I would have had time to get up and write my dream out, because it was an awesomely intense one as well. I remember being in an RV with Phoenix, Sexxy, Turtle, MeSoStoned and Fwap. We were returning from camping or out touring and this was the tour bus and we were on our way home. All I know was I was fighting things off. We were traveling and I was protecting us. The others, whom are all strong, would help at times.

At the end we were all swimming at some swimming hole at or near home. Sexxy's oldest Taylor was there. We were out in the middle of the swimming hole when he died in my arms. We all knew he was going to die and this light came out of him and no one was sad, it was like it had to happen. Everyone got out of the swimming hole but I was holding onto Taylor and sinking under the water with him. This light emminating from him. Then he smiled at me, dead, but he smiled and I let him go and watched him sink to the bottom. Then he started to transform, seeing this I wanted to call everyone back so I swam quickly to the surface and yelled, "wait!"

He transformed into a little black puppy dog and came swimming out of the water and jumped into Sexxy's arms. She just giggled and we were all smiling and then the sun shown down on us with the light that had been beaming out of Taylor and the wind carried Taylor's laughter on it.

Thats all I remember. Weird...

~TigressSky~
Tags:

Jax

Tue, Aug. 14th, 2007 17:39
tigrissky: Tiger in Green Sea (Default)
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Ever wonder how Jax got his name? Wish I had a romantic story to give you, but its simple really. When I met Jax in my dream he had this grin, this sexy, coy, mischevious grin. While I was scared of this 400 pound Siberian Tiger with all his ferocity, all his strength, grace and beauty there was always that grin. That very human, very sexy, male grin. I opened up to Jax because of that grin. At the same time my mother was dieing and I was finally able to see the ass my first ex was. At a time when I needed to find myself more than ever that grin let me get close to a 400 pound Siberian Tiger in my dreams.

This grin had a natural association in my mind to love, safety and trust. It was everything I dreamt of in a partner in my life and quite naturally I associated it to a man. At the same time the other representation of what I wanted in my life, a man who did cary that grin in (almost) reality came from TV. It came from the one escape I had from the strict reality the world had shown as to how men really are. This man who loved and cared and wanted more than anything to ensure the love, safety and trust of the woman he loved was guaranteed. His name, Jax. Everyone calls him Jax for short, his full name Jasper Jacks from the Soap Opera General Hospital.



Yes the Tiger at my side, the Tiger on my back, the Tiger who is always there for me, guiding me, protecting me and always working to ensure my love, safety and trust is named after a character from a Soap Opera...

I was thinking today, about the person I am. I was thinking about how much I wanted to not be crazy. I was thinking about sitting there watching my mom die, utterly alone. How no one cared for her. I take that back, my mom had her Jax, my stepdad Pete. He came to see her a few months before she died. He told me, "she is the only woman I ever loved this much but I cant be here when she dies." She had her Jax but even that she couldnt have forever.

When the time came. When it came down to who would sit by her side, hold her hand and be strong while she died, well, there was no one. No one except me. She was lonely, cold and scared and there I was at her side, confused, full of questions and still scared that my mom would stand up and yell at me and make me feel stupid if I did anything wrong. Still scared she would frustrate me so much that I would sit and cry. That someone would see me broken, unable to be strong. I never asked her the things I should have, I never did anything but make sure every need she had could be fulfilled. I even cursed out the nurses for not caring for her properly. I defended her until her last breath, just like I always had. No matter the fact she didnt defend me.

Yet no one else cared. She was alone in the world except for the one person she had molded into her savior, me. And I remember how suddenly I knew things were wrong with me, I felt my crrazy blood boiling and for the first time I put a lid on it and started to think logically. I realized how important people were. All people. How justice and intergrity, truth and honor were important in life. I didnt figure it all out right there, but my mom dieing alone after she used and misused and abused all those in her life, thats when it all started.

My mom was dieing, Jax and I were journeying and thus a Tigress was being awakened deep inside the throes of the Earth. Akwakened like Athena straight from the logic of my skull, bursting forth fully armored, her sword and shield and a Tiger by her side.

Please, if you are still reading watch this before moving on...
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And Im not afraid of dieing or being alone. I know Im not alone, I wont die alone (and by alone I mean empty and unloved). But I am afraid, to lean on anyone...

I have more to say but this is where it stops. Saying anymore just gets to, well, to much like leaning on someone.

The video scene above is so accurate of me though. Even to the point that she does set him free. He never knows any of this sentiment and she does what is right by him, right for his needs and goes. I dont know if anyone will get what it means or what I am trying to say. It doesnt matter really.

The short of this post was me wondering if through all my honesty and the brutality of my truth if maybe I have become to nice, even though sometimes my nice hurts. So nice that people walk all over me and I just smile and support them while they do it...

~TigressSky~

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