tigrissky: Tiger in Green Sea (starbuck)
I'm busy, but boring. Well, boring in comparison to those who I use to spend the majority of my time with that is. This boring-ness is an outside concept of me though, not something I feel inside of me - not something I see when I look in the mirror. Inside and out, I feel like I am still fucking cool as shit; and I am hurt that others have stopped feeling that way about me.

To each their own though.

I mean that with sincerity.

Honestly, I have been beating myself up for "not being cool enough" for far too long now. Until it was I finally realized the only opinion that really mattered on my "being cool enough" was my own -- and in that one opinion sits a woman who thinks she is fucking cool as shit. So ....

tiger tongue

... to anyone else's opinion on the matter.

Something else I recognized and stopped beating myself up for, stopped thinking I deserved, was the idea that it was okay for people who knew my boundaries and rules to continue to cross them, because the boundaries were "new."

A while back a comment was made against respect of my "new" rules; my boundaries. When I spoke that I had these new boundaries I had some tell me, (verbatim here folks), "well, we are going to keep doing it, so you are just going to have to learn how to say no."

In that moment, long ago, I thought I deserved that response.

I honestly thought, that because I had been so open before, that closing off and setting rules was something bad I had done. I made myself feel as if I deserved the forceful nature of the continued advances, the newly found continued teasing, and the statement that I would have to "learn to say no."

Although, let me clarify, that comment came awhile back, AND all of that seems to have calmed now, I'm pretty certain no interest in going to that realm with me exists anymore, and I have finally prepared myself for that "no," (a no that comes with an abundance of anxiety around thinking I will have to be forceful in delivering it).

The point I am getting at here in bringing this up is that it took this llllooonnngggg for me to realize I didn't deserve that response.

It wasn't okay.

Not. At. All.

What is wrong with me for thinking it was?

After spending all those years being told what the rules are and following them to a tee, so much so that I was practically the poster child for said rules and thereby a top name on everyone's "go" list. All that time I spent knowing how important it was to be respectful of said rules and follow them. Well, somehow I had convinced myself that my rules were not worthy of the same respect. WOAH!

How in the fucking hell had I honestly convinced myself that my rules were not worthy of the same respect?

Hawaii '14, Nov - 2

In Hawaii I lay on the beach, completely relaxed as I had finally slept with such soundness as I had only known as a child. It was because there was not one thing, one person, I had to be responsible for. This allowed for my brain to shut off.

Finally, laying down to sleep didn't consist of fighting my way through the fireworks of my brain, in an attempt to spend just a small amount of time with the elusive captain of sleep. Instead, I just closed my eyes and the captain came to me with offers of such adventurous dreams that, if it wasn't for the call of Apollo, I would never want to wake up.

It was on the second day, watching Floodplain in the waves, laying on the beach chair, my face under the umbrella, Apollo kissing every other exposed inch of me, that I just suddenly knew, my rules, my boundaries, deserved to be respected.

It was also the first time I had found myself angry at others for treating me with such disrespect. All the perfect lines I could have used in that moment to responded to the, "you will just have to learn to say no" comment, fell like droplets of angry release; sliding under my sunglasses, running across my cheeks.

I wiped them away, left them laying in that sand, watched them get kicked by cheerful kids into the open arms of the ocean; waves carrying them with a crash, deep out into that salty graveyard only Poseidon knows exists.

So it is that it finally feels done, settled. It was not, nor should it ever have been, all for me to carry anyway. So I dropped it; just stopped carrying it around with me.

I stopped carrying a lot of things during my time in Hawaii and, as the sun, Apollo, finishes his death and prepares for his awakening to birth, I too feel myself changing. Closing tight, only to prepare myself to open bright, and take hold of so many new things.

I am ready to be cool again to more than just that reflection in the mirror. I am ready to surround myself with only those who support this growth in me - be they old or new friends. Those that expect that I support this growth in them as well.

Ubuntu. Namaste. All you need is love. *giggles*



Tue, Nov. 20th, 2012 15:08
tigrissky: Tiger in Green Sea (Default)
I was just looking at photos from a year ago. A year ago when I was ten pounds lighter and loving myself. I've accomplished so much this year, professionally, financially, romantically, and it has been overwhelmingly busy. I let my diet slide as my focus was drawn to other things rushing about in my life. So now that so much that I had been hopeful for has been accomplished, well, it is time to get that focus back.

I still dream of building a body that is a temple to me. A year ago, when I was at a point of satisfaction, my focus had turned to building strength. Now, I must get my confident figure back and then I can get my focus back on strength - I can build my temple.

To help in that goal I got a puppy!

Her name is pants and by next month she will be big enough to start running with me. I can't wait!

Yes, I still have that focus. And, as things begin to coalesce in my life and a sense of organized chaos falls upon me I hope to find myself back on track with my health and fitness goals.

In other news:

There are a few of my friends, that I feel I lost this year do to misunderstanding and hurt feelings that I would like to apologize to and let go of the hurt on my end. Even if they decide to continue holding whatever views of me they have, I have to let this go. I can't continue on hurting from these past issues and, so, I will apologize for the part I played in the confusion and let go. I would hope they could return the same, but, I will let it happen how it happens and not hold an expectation for more than just my letting go.

Of course for me letting go is just me letting go of the feelings and emotions that are stirring inside of me. I think one thing that is unique about me is that once you are my friend, well, you are my friend. Even if you decide you no longer want to have anything to do with me and remain totally dismissive of me. If one day, you suddenly changed your mind and decided to say hi, well, I'd say hi back and probably give you a hug.

With me, if you're in, you're in. And if you ever get out, well, you have done something amazingly horrible to do so. People are people, let them be and love them as is. I can only control one piece of my friendship - me. So, that is what I do.

I'm truly not as evil as people may think. In fact, most who know me probably think I'm to kind and way to sensitive. Or hell, maybe they all think I'm a douche bag. hahaha

Anyway ...

I'm still trying to figure out the new atheist path I am on. When I really think about it, well, it only makes sense I would get here eventually. I mean come on, anyone who studies as readily as I is going to eventually make her way into the freedom that is belief in the Universal whole that is Chaos and Order all encompassing.

I still think ritual and studying of the mythos of humanity is important to my life overall. I just look at it a lot differently than so many I am close to now.

Hell, if I really think about it I always looked at it in this different way, I just never understood where I was at with it as fully as I do now. The words and knowledge finally found me.

Anyway ... I'm sure I can find people who want to study similarly, or, if I don't I can study on my own and keep my big ideas to myself.

There is however one thing bothering me pretty constantly. It takes a toll on me when I think about it and try and address how to remove the inaccuracy of the viewpoint to bring forth the truth to those who see it that way. Yet then, I also wonder if that matters. I mean, so what if people are blaming me having a boyfriend now with them seeing me less right? So what if people have conveniently forgotten that they started seeing me much, much less over the past 4 years and that it has had nothing to do with me having a boyfriend? Especially since I have only had him for a year now.

I know some people may feel guilty, or have even forgotten, that they themselves got boyfriends/girlfriends and completely ditched hanging out with me for a couple years. I know some people may feel guilty, or have forgotten, that they themselves stopped talking to me and stopped coming to events, for whatever reasons, in the past 3 years and therefore have not seen me as much. I know some people feel guilty, or have forgotten, that they stopped inviting me over or making plans with me long ago.

I also know, on my end, that my change in sexual habits over the past 4 years, my change in and desire to expand my knowledge on the hows of the Universe, my change in ability to set-up outside events, my change in desire for deeper study and connection, and my change in finances have all made it hard for me to do as much as I use to.

So, what do I do? I can't continue on with this cloud of guilt hanging over me. It is not fair - to anyone.

I have thought and thought on this and I realize that most people are use to single me. The girl you could invite to anything and would always show up. Yet what they never saw is the single me who spent almost every weekend and most every weeknight completely alone, in an cramped apartment, with two cats, a phone that never rang, and only netflix or the gym for company and entertainment. Well, when this single girl got an invite, this single girl who was starving for interaction, well of course she was able to say yes and attend everything!

Now, she isn't single. So, when you contact her and invite her she may say "no" because she already has plans. Finally!!! she is someones priority and she has plans!!!

So yeah, I guess I can see why my friends think I am suddenly wrapped up in some new man. Even as much as that is the case, it is also not the reason they are seeing me less.

It hurts knowing that for the past 4, very lonely years, no one even noticed they were not seeing me. Yet as soon as I got a boyfriend the criticism of not seeing me started flooding in. Yet, what can I do? Nothing. So, I just have to learn to be accepting of the criticism - and recognize, as Ralph Marston states, "if the criticism is completely misdirected and unfounded, then you can simply let it go."

It doesn't make it hurt any less though.



Tue, Aug. 18th, 2009 11:16
tigrissky: Tiger in Green Sea (Default)
Song that seems to be repeating this morning...

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I luvs me some P!NK!



tigrissky: Tiger in Green Sea (Default)

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