tigrissky: Tiger in Green Sea (Marilyn Monroe Goddess)

In a past life I must have been cruel.

I do not mean a past life I can only dream. A dream in which might be recalled the love between Alexander and Hephaestion. No, not just a dream.

I mean a past life, that at times, feels like yesterday.

Days like these I find myself confronted by such a life; of my past. Seeing straight through the mask of self prepared so carefully within the depths of craved, perhaps depraved, acceptance. Leaving me to wonder what good, if any, I may or may not have provided.

In the eyes of wonder, the waves of cold doubt crash into me. Cold I use to possess. As if there was some form of self that deserved to be possessed by such cold.

A cold that forces you to crawl inside the womb of your anxieties, wrestle your demons, question your value, and die ... unto your own visions of self, repeatedly. Until the very moment there is nothing left to die unto.


Recognizing the very lack of definition with which you are born. In this life, and the next. In whatever moment you finally decide to live, that is.


The Seasons

Tue, Feb. 14th, 2017 08:20
tigrissky: Tiger in Green Sea (Marilyn Monroe Goddess)
Much of our theatrical entertainment celebrates the fantasy that the "bad" guys get their comeuppance and the "good" guys are left feeling vindicated. However much I wish to accept this portrait as some kind of truth, I cannot help but remember a key lesson, of which a major in mass communications provides; it is not the ordinary which serves to entertain but the extraordinary.

The extraordinary is also how stars explode and life forms from the dust.

Like a Phoenix from the ashes, life rises, regardless the outcome of right over wrong. You can't direct the wind, but you can adjust your sails. With love, unconditional.

You can only trust adjusting your sails as far out as the waves will take you without tossing you overboard. So it is discovered that success depends on the size of your confidence as it comes to such matters of the heart.

To deeply love is to truly see the presentation of self without condition. Conditions exist within the judgments and expectations that love just can't seem to forgive. Love, unconditional, forgives all.

Loving conditions keep the full experience of life locked, hidden, lost. The only choice left; to give up or push on.

Continue following the path which may allow you to achieve the ability to love, unconditional. Along this path confidence grows allowing the sails to carry ever farther out to sea.

Along the way we are convinced of the duality this thing called life shares with death. As if Apollo where not the sum of Dionysos, simply because one restricts while the other expands. Whom takes which role is portrayed as a seasonal affair. How quick it is forgot, the seasons are not simply determined by the the time of the year.

It is not always the dark which expands and the light which restricts. It is not always the light which expands and the dark which restricts. Growth and stagnation can be found in any direction; the wind through the sails, the fire of the heart, the crash of the waves against bare feet stepping upon the sandy shore.

So it is we are brought into this game of survival. Taught the difference between right and wrong. Given preference to life over death. Gifted the worry of legacy. Our success determined by a society running away from being. Driven by the obsession of doing. Believing that the bad guys get their comeuppance and the good guys their vindication.

Meanwhile, constant change washes over us. The good becomes bad. The bad becomes good. The forces of nature overwhelm the choice of which is current and which is dying.

Leaving us with only one truth, one choice, to stagnate or to grow.

Is this the answer? I do not know with any certainty that their even is an answer. Just choice.

tigrissky: Tiger in Green Sea (Marilyn Monroe Goddess)

2017 quickly approaches, allowing a moment to reflect on the numerologically defined "9" this year has definitely been. I can only nod my head, in a form of acceptance and, perhaps a bit of appreciation, for the way it all played out. As a sort of initiation into the questionable form our human civilization is divisively taking towards becoming ...

Speaking of becoming; now is also a time to reflect upon the person I became in 2016. As well as postulate hopeful scenarios of the person I wish to become in 2017. How resolutely I succeed in accomplishing my "becoming" is affected directly by my willingness to change the reflections of that which "became" me.

artemis and apollo barry windsor smith.jpg

I am taken back six months, to a reflection from my birthday, of which the following seems relevant to share in order to understand my resolve for 2017.

"I am the artist of my truth, my wisdom, my experience and I do not intend to forget the pictures I have created along the way. Some of them bolder and louder than others. All of them a reflection of my creation myth.

A myth that started 39 years ago in a different time, in a different place. The history of which has ridden a wave of historic change in which I have had zero affect in shaping.

I am simply human. Part of a species advancing phenomenally as a whole. If such advancement, of a single species, to the detriment of so much around it, is to be considered a phenomenon. Which, even within my cynicism, I am left feeling is phenomenal. Knowing, in the grand scheme of the Universe, the Earth is but a tiny speck of dust, and the human species barely of microscopic consequence.

Yet, at the same time, we are the Universe experiencing itself. We are made of the stars, born of the sun and moon, birthed by an Earth mother that has created the perfect environment in which such a species can thrive. An environment in which we can learn, manipulate, and create through nothing more complex than a simple quiet moment in observance of nature.

It is in those silent moments that I am most grateful. Grateful for the experience becoming absolutely nothing more than a momentary microscopic breathe, on a cosmic speck of floating dust, in the vastness of a Universe I cannot even comprehend a minuscule fraction of, has granted me.

If you are reading this, it most likely granted me you.

No matter how briefly or incompletely I have loved and I have been loved. Unabashedly. Luckily. Sometimes even miserably. Only the Gods them self are able to comprehend, in one brief vision, the overall importance in such love."

On top of the vanity of the 20 pounds I vow to lose, this knowledge is what I vow to build from and upon in 2017.

To remain grateful for whatever amount of love for me exists in this world; in the hearts of those who keep me in their life, in whatever way they may choose to keep me.

To remain silent and observant to the nature of the world around me and the self that is developing within.

To attempt to paint some masterpieces worth remembering, even if they are heartbreaking, and most especially if they are love making!

To remember I am simply stardust, experiencing the Universe, as a form of life sculpted of the Mother known as Earth, guided by an invisible Father called Time; and, in spite of this travesty, I will continue to try and become more anyway!

Happy New Year!

With much love,


Sat, Dec. 31st, 2016 13:00
tigrissky: Tiger in Green Sea (Marilyn Monroe Goddess)
These many years spent, inventing, investing, invigorating, all to the benefit of a thief. She who could not comprehend what made the treasure she now possessed of such value. In broad daylight, in front of everyone, aided by some; looking straight into your eyes, shaking your hand with a smile, as if receiving rather than taking.

What was never yours to begin with.

None of it ever is.

Often, children are not given the credit in knowing the world for what it really is - chaos. We become stronger, more independent beings, because of this chaos, not in spite of it. While those sheltered are the first and most easily deceived by it. Consumed by the desire to reach a perfection chaos simply can never allow. Creating nothing more than a life of missed moments, that could have been spent, reveling in disorder and imperfection.

Out of darkness comes life.

Of course it hurts.

~TigrisSky ©December 31, 2016

The Unknowns

Sat, Nov. 12th, 2016 17:55
tigrissky: Tiger in Green Sea (Marilyn Monroe Goddess)

I like it here, in the past. Where just the right song unleashes an energetic flood within. Where the ignorance of youth struts through the world carrying an invisible guarantee of future ownership. Where death is just an imagined scenario of attendance and guessing how many hearts will be broken. On good days that is. On bad days it is simply a struggle to discover reasons to bother staying. Trying to believe it is their jealousy and not your inadequacy that entices such behavior. If you were not about to be King you might just give up.

Perhaps Alzheimers will not be all that bad. Living here, if I can just keep remembering here, I can stay here. Right? Believing I am a little girl, out in the woods alone, the big bad wolf by my side and a Mighty Mouse at my beckon call. It will be beautiful. Except in the awake moments. Offered a reality of an unknown old woman staring at me in wonder. Not knowing how I got into this body, this room, surrounded by all these unknowns.

When did I end up so alien? Sitting upon this spec of dust brought to life by the eye of Apollo. I know I was born this way, not yesterday, yet I wasn't bought or sold this way. All those half baked ideas on the cover of magazines teaching me exactly what I never could be. Those were the always and never of everything I was promised I would be. If I just, if I just, if I just ... turn to dust.

All that can be afforded in a time none bare witness until some bare ignorance. Laying claim that she is in the river when we all know she is of the land. A Virgo to be precise; if you ever wonder why it is that I analyze. Everything and nothing in the lies.

To make sense of it all is, at times, the most tiring thing. Forced to predict the facts of the outcome desired. Preparing for the redemption of the choice before it is ever made. A ladies prerogative presented to enhance the darkness. Sometimes it is hit, sometimes it is miss. It all depends. Just how long can you hold your own against the antagonists hatred of self. Before reaching the moment of awaited failure certain to see your rage.

Yet maybe if I just turn the page. Or the volume up on this song and the next. I can remember riding the bus next to him. What it felt like to be Queen of the backseat with clothes on. His eyes speaking the truth of a broken heart. His lips professing such strength on his part. Letting me go.

Nowhere but here, in this moment, does it matter where I came from. You can stick tape on the ends of the cassette tape and record over it all. Playing the radio, collecting the songs you can't afford to buy. Pausing to skip the advertisements of a life never to be recorded in the history where anyone looks.

by TigrisSky
©November 12, 2016
tigrissky: Tiger in Green Sea (Marilyn Monroe Goddess)
The Wonder
by TigrisSky ©October 30, 2016

The wonder of smiles
Casting black clouds of doubt
Over ignorant hearts
Beating strong just the same

Nothing can stop you
From gaining the knowledge
The truth is in playing
Not winning the game

Which always ends
In nothing
But dreamers
Closing their eyes

To chance
That in this one
Moment in time
All life will start

To make sense
Out of fears
That come
With the territory

Of gypsy heart
Of native mind
A shaman expands
All visions beyond

Horizons to reach
Pasts to dispel
Myths to create
Fires to ignite

Passions to explore
Ecstasy at levels
Beyond this base
We sit upon

And wonder
How it all began
To end

tigrissky: Tiger in Green Sea (Savitri)
A friend, of similar life disposition, lays in a care facility a month after surgery, wondering what all was done wrong and if it can be fixed. Most importantly, if comfort and lack of pain can be experienced again.

Selfishly I debate my own place in the future of such experience. I find myself hoping there will be someone there to advocate for me. I find myself hoping I never need such work done. I begin to realize more and more the importance of a regime of exercise that is not impactful but fluid.

Of maintaining a weight an older set of bones can withstand.

Of spending more time with people who make things happen and less with those who complain about things happening.

Of spending more time in contemplation of expanded death with dignity rights which will encompass exactly what I need, exactly when I need it. Which, lucky for me, is not exactly this moment.

Although one can never know when exactly this moment will be.

In this moment one can hope for ... ecstasy.

That which keeps all focus lost to such worried reality. That which keeps one connected to all and All. Connected to the full experience of self, less ego.

The drums, the guitar, a brush in my hand, a smile from love, a chaos of words spilling from head to pen, and sometimes just the closeness of a friend; all and All, pushing me higher, ever closer to ... ecstasy.

The most base to the most existential points on Maslow's Hierarchy of needs are attained through ecstasy.

So many are not willing to attempt extending their reach for ecstasy. Instead just repeating, the most base of ecstacic connection, while dismissing the power to be ... whole.

Lost ... in the simplicity of the chase. Clinging to the feeling this moment creates.

Missing altogether the power of indescribable understanding of all and All which only a higher frequency connection allows.

Thus choosing instead the simplicity of the chase and the feeling this moment creates.

Living in, "If I could just recreate."

The present can be held for only so long. As the present stops coming, the past stops directing, and ...





To the decision.

Chase tradition?

Or step into the next chamber of God.

For what is ecstasy but the ability to halt time and fully connect.




I promise. It is deeper than now. Yet nothing more powerful.

Salvation ...

tigrissky: Tiger in Green Sea (Marilyn Monroe Goddess)
There is a time where you try again, take a risk, putting one foot in front of another and step right off the edge of that cliff.

Maybe you'll fly.

Such a notion is all you need to proceed. To open the box of secrets, to eat from the sacred tree of knowledge, to let all of humanities doubts and fears escape into the world. Like Pandora, like Eve, like Ishtar and Inanna eating from the tree of knowledge and becoming the star of Venus. The star of hope. The star that leads the adventurer far from home and back again.

"When I began my journey of personal work and healing, I began to hear the word 'drama'. It addressed all the shadow, the brokenness, the emotional upheavals, the victimhood... you know what I'm talking about. It meant that this drama queen was not the 'real' me ~ but someone who was indulging in some seeking attention gimmicky behaviour.

I too picked up that word, and looked at my life as a soap opera of continuous twists and turns, highs and lows, and with great sincerity began to work to heal. Did a lot of work with my inner child. Deep gratitude to all those who supported me on my journey.

I also collected a lot of shaming messages on my way. Which I eventually learnt to give to myself. It was easy to shame me as shame has been big in my life. I began to interpret the difficult situations of my life as melodrama. Of course, sometimes, a hard shake-up does wake us up from an unconscious sleep. When I heard my behaviours being called drama and was told to get out of all that 'stuff' ... I was able to look at my life in a new way. I healed a lot of my auto-response behaviours once I understood the pattern.

Today, I can see how screwed up our body responses become through endless trauma creating experiences. Our body stores each and every memory of a fight or flight response that could not be properly executed. Our protective barriers have been breached a million times, (you know that if you are a girl travelling in public transport in India), and one simply learns to 'live with it'. So much numbing happens along the way, as our way of response gets frozen into habitual patterns.

Today, I am really sorry that I used the word 'drama' in a way that demeaned or shamed my brokenness, or any one else's brokenness. I want to deeply honour each one's life story and mine as well. I am glad I woke up to this, and apologise to anyone to whom I used this word. I am sorry."

The few quoted paragraphs above are from Sukhvindar Sircar, a woman of great respect whom I follow on Facebook. Her words came as I began writing this piece. A beneficial coincidence to the direction of my thoughts. Describing, with great analogy, the place I have been for so long now.

Yet here I am in this moment, on the precipice of transformative growth. A completion of sorts, into the beautiful bud of whatever flower I choose to become. To finally be done with time spent worrying about who I am and where I belong.

I belong nowhere.

I am variable.

This is exceedingly good knowledge. Knowledge of which I seem to periodically forget and rediscover.

A cycle completes and a Fool makes her way out into the world. Variable and heading nowhere she doesn't want to go.

Sand in her toes, awakened by the light of Venus, the star of hope, as she steps out into that ocean of night ...


All My Wishes

Fri, Aug. 14th, 2015 08:19
tigrissky: Tiger in Green Sea (starbuck)

-1 is less than zero, but for some reason it still has more substance than nothing.

Although one may not give up on others that does not stop others from giving up on one.

I'm bad at math though. My calculations are quite often off. Especially this particular calculation in which I equated myself; stubbornly. A calculation of which I believed I was the mathematician needed for solving. A calculation that actually works better minus one; myself being the one needing subtracted.

It's strange to feel the struggle finally coming to an end. Especially when it has been a struggle of years spent deeply vested. Yet, in the end, it wasn't until the moment of being nudged out, that the struggle dissipated.

In short; what I had been busy figuring, like an obsessively devoted mathematician, has finally found it's solution and that solution seems to have needed me removed to come to fruition.


As people who believe in magick stress though, "Be specific."

The solution I was solving for is discovered. I never specified I wanted the solution to include me.

I imagine this is how those before me felt. I imagine others will eventually feel the same.

So is the ebb and flow of life. Mathematically beautiful; minus one.

tigrissky: Tiger in Green Sea (starbuck)

It is perhaps best I stick with the name Tigris Sky, (TigressSky, Tig, Tiggy, Tigeroni with Cheese, Tigster, Tigopolis, Tiglet, etc.).

I am an atheist in the land of Pagans.

I wasn't raised with an indoctrination of any specific religion in my life. I have always sought out answers to the mystery though. American society tends to adhere to Xian religious ideals in one form or another. So it is in that Xian space I began learning. As a child I adventured to attend Sunday school all on my own while believing I had a Goddess who lived in my kidneys, (whom I called Kidna), and animals, especially horses, talked to me.

I thoroughly enjoy researching, studying, learning, and discussing history. In high school I really got wrapped up in the escapades of Alexander the Great. Which led to a deep connection with the ideal of Greek society & mythos and their philosophical roots in modern societies design. It would not be until university that I would discover a section of the bookstore called "New Age" and familiarize myself with the term Pagan. Starting off with a book called "A History of Pagan Europe" by Prudence Jones & Nigel Pennewick.

In my initial studies of paganism, most of my time was spent online discussing with others all sorts of topics. I was even in charge of several boards and communities on differing subjects. A group of us had formed a site called the Indigo Bridge Cooperative, a website dedicated to providing accurate information on Paganism to Pagan groups and organizations. We also provided web design support to many different pagan groups at the time. Remember, this was the mid-nineties and not much was online, but a lot of what was popping up online in regards to Paganism was pretty poorly done and not well maintained.

After university I moved back to Oregon and found connections at Cleda's Magickal Garden in Jefferson. Before this intro to Cleda's Garden, any Pagans I had dealt with offline IRL (In Real Life) were just assholes. It took about a year of convincing from friends before I was even willing to set foot into the Garden. Once there I was hooked though. Much like Troutlake Abbey, you just feel the magick when you step onto the grounds. Unlike Troutlake Abbey, this site did not have dedicated financing behind it's creation. Significantly smaller, the stone circle has been a progress of community creation since its inception, a little over 15 years ago. Either way, I find both sites truly amazing wonders to behold, and feel lucky to have them both in my back yard!

I have organizational skills up the yin-yang and love putting things together and manifesting them with others.

For the past ten years I have worked with a committee of volunteers from the area nearest Cleda's Garden to put on two festivals each year (Beltane and Fall Equinox) and several other sabbat rituals (Imbolc, Samhain, Full Moon, Garden Anniversay, etc.). I have written several rituals, led and participated in many different roles in several more, edited and critiqued even that many more. These rituals have touched many different spiritual paths (Egyptian, Greek, Norse, Mesopotamian, Hindu etc.), dealt with many different ideals (community, love, reciprocity, tradition, etc.), and presented many different themes (tarot, Dracula, the tree of life, the gundestrap cauldron, dark & light, etc.).

A few years ago I completed training here in Portland in the practice of Tantra and am a Tantrica (Tantric Priestess). The first 'official' practicing title I have been assigned in Pagan community.

As happens, the committee I was so deeply involved in has gone through many changes the past few years and I have felt a little out of place. I have turned back inward to focus on self for awhile and am not really willing to dedicate to making things happen with or for others at this point. I am slowly re-emerging, with a differing perspective of who I am and how I want to proceed coming with me. I have been suffering a bit of anxiety with this change, as I am uncertain as to how I will be received, where any of this will take me, and where exactly I am willing to set sail just yet.

A visit last year from my long last Aunt brought to fruition that my Mother was a practicing Witch. I know that sounds cliche, but I have spent the past couple of years reconnecting to her, and so it all makes perfect sense to me that I am only just now finding out about my "natural" inheritance. I certainly do not mean that as a claim to some sort of greater abilities or birth right, as so many others do. It is not like my Mom taught me the tricks of the trade and honed my skills in any way. It just makes sense to my life and makes my connection to this path seem more solid.

So here I am ... trying to find my way ... again.

Rinse and Repeat ... so is the cycle of life.

tigrissky: Tiger in Green Sea (Default)
Letting go is harder than simply opening a door and watching the breeze blow past you.

Some days, when I think I have finally let go, attachment slips in a grin and I can feel my body tremble with the anticipation of whichever emotion is choosing to hold me in that moment of confrontation with self. For if it becomes a confrontation outside of self, attachment has already won and I might as well finish my appearance as an ass to the tale this incident will become.

Or so my logic forsoothes me.

I use to be great at never showing emotion and in turn appeared as a robot to those who I did try and build relationships with. Logic always overshadowed emotion, emotion was too much my mother, and I was never going to be her.

Until it was I learned what it meant to be Her. When I finally recognized the gifts of life She granted me that are so necessary in the fucked up world I have been imparted.

Yet that is a whole other story about letting go ... in the one I tell now, people are still alive and I have no youthful excuse for my life's mistakes. Still, I keep making them.

I am getting better at embracing my emotions without letting them have control over the situation. I feel partial to mention that my previous state of being was to tell my emotions to "FUCK OFF!" Thus ensuring nothing but logical action in any situation. I do not truly know which is worse, allowing emotion or logic complete control? I certainly do know what I grew up believing was worse, hence my propensity toward the latter.

I have learned it takes a great deal of strength to embrace an emotion that flares, without letting it take control, while in the process of letting go. Especially when the letting go is believed complete and then something small awakens you that it is not. It is in that moment a trigger, like a shot of good tequilla to an alcoholic, snaps it's fingers and emotion rears at the gate.

In that moment, emotion can make you feel like a cowboy, turn you into a clown, and have you hiding in a barrel if you let it convince you to ride.

Letting go is full of all these fears, mainly in regards to change or loss.

Change has always held great space in my life. Therefore it is not fear of change that drives my emotions in this process of letting go. Though at first, I selfishly though it was.

I can finally admit to myself that it was fear of loss that truly had me clinging to this attachment so dramatically. Looking desperately for acceptance from anyone who was looked up to within the circle of my life. Anyone who could guarantee to me that my space here in the Universe we had created was a cemented throne I could always sit upon. A place I had come to believe and rely in. A place in which I had taken to storing my fear, my strength, my honor, and my dignity. A place in which I simply could not comprehend without me in it.

What would I be without it?

Nothing. I would be nothing without it is what I had convinced myself of.

Yet, as it is with all things, the throne had been crumbling since the moment it was presented to me.

Eventually I was going to have to journey on my own again.

Such are the cards the Fates have dealt me.

I can see clearly now that my throne is gone and never really was, except in times of rest, when I could offer of myself in return for the respite.

Such was the role of my crown.

As the Queen grew, the crown no longer fit.

She no longer fit.

The parties went on without her.

The address was changed.

The houselights removed.

What she had feared to lose she must let go. Sinking in the rotting compost of loss, which guarantees change, which fosters new growth, that which was now all around her. Accepting the death of an attachment of her soul. Welcoming the moment of rebirth into the nothing that comes with being everything she will never come to mean to this world; only to her heart.

To herself.

To this momentary experience called LIFE.

tigrissky: Tiger in Green Sea (starbuck)
Is Everything.

The Graceful Gravity of Goodbye
~TigressSky © January 27, 2015~

And there she stood,
the grass between her toes,
her feet firmly planted upon the Earth
A hush running through the crowd.

In that moment she could feel how quickly the world spun.
She could feel the Mother wobbling on her axis.

How could she not be thrown right from this place?

It had to be more than gravity ... perhaps, grace?

She shut her eyes and asked
the Goddess,
her mother,
the Earth,
what she should do?

In the darkness,
the world grew silent,
the sound of her heart beat flooding everything,
until the thumping silence was just too maddening.

So she opened her eyes ...

There stood Her gravity
In the golden light of Apollo's gaze
She fell into His arms
a moment of grace
in which a Queen birthed her King.

"For what it's worth"
would be the cry of all he could offer;
the cry all whom followed could offer.

A community of "for what it's worth"
given to the grace of a Queen
in constant search of gravity.

So it was she learned to love,
without attachment,
but instead with grace,
knowing she was the Queen,
but she could never be theirs.

Most importantly,
They would never be hers.

Like all Queens before her,
she was a blessing of the land
with the power to make a King
of any she touched,
regardless of gender,
but she could not make them stay.

And she knew she wasn't suppose to
no matter how the loneliness tore at her heart.

A heart finally opening,
such a feat was worth all the scratches,
all the broken pieces,
all the moments of pain,
tears, all the lonely nights,
curled up with a sappy chick-flick
only the devotion of a cat for company ...


Is what it took
to always be
to always do
the right thing
for everyone else
and love as if it was always
the right way
for a Queen
to find


Is what it took
to always leave
to always rationalize
the committed repose
of a King
whose court
is an exit sign
of the broken promises
of forbidden lovers
practicing their

tigrissky: Tiger in Green Sea (starbuck)

This song, Wild One, Forever, is from Tom Petty's debut album; self-titled:Tom Petty & the Heartbreakers. A lot of people may have never heard this song before as the album itself came out 7 months before I was born, in November of '76.

The moment I heard it I was whisked even further into my fandom connection with Tom Petty. I could see myself in it immediately. In so much as the way my life's relationship experiences have defined me that is.

"They call you the wild one. Said stay away from her. Said she could love no one if she tried."

Then, as the song announces with fierceness, "But then something I saw in your eyes, told me right away that you were gonna have to be mine ..."

That is the hope of the Wild One. To be seen as worthy of the effort. Worthy of love. To find someone who allows the sight to go beyond that which the Wild One has come to judge as unworthy of love.

Those things in me I had come to believe were my flaws. To be loved in spite of them, or even because of them.

Floodplain brought that ideal, that hope, to me as a reality. With the softness of the next verse, "Well it's too bad, but I want you to know that I understand..."

He opened me up to a love that is more important than any I have ever experienced before - the love of self.

I love and cherish all of the other relationships that have brought me here.

I have good memories of all of them, and I choose to let go of the bad ones. That is how I stay friends with everybody. That is how I never let anybody go.

Some people have hurt me more than others and the drifting apart doesn't bother me as much. Yet if they come back into my arena, I am nice and I try and focus on the positive experiences I have had with them. Sometimes it is hard, but it is what I do.

Lately I feel like people see me as a person who doesn't meet their expectations, which makes me feel bad about who I am. Yet I know part of it is not them making me feel bad. It is me making me feel bad because I have become uninteresting and people don’t really want to make the effort for me anymore …

Don’t get me wrong, I realize people love me and people love having me around. It has been five years however; nobody calls me, emails me, or texts me. Save a few, Mistress, Turtle, and before the weirdness, Aurora.

Granted I kinda gave up contacting others, because the lack of response was getting to be to heartbreaking. I can handle alone, I can't handle ignored.

I grew up with a mom who got beat regularly for being a Wild One. This lead to fleeing regularly and also lead to a habitual expectation that this was just how it was, so, the beaters were prone to return regularly as well.

From this I learned that you have to let go of the negative and you have to cling to the positive, especially the positive you find in other people.

How else would I have been able to live with all of those guys … repeatedly … scared that mom is gonna die.

I just focused on the fact that all those guys were nice to me. All of my mom’s friends were a ton of fucking fun, just like the community is.

Seriously, I lived a life of adventure in my youth. The type of adventure that most people in their middle-age only dream of getting to experience. I got to grow up with that, and I feel like I was probably very lucky to have the mom I did.

My mom was judged pretty harshly for the type of person she was. Simply because she was more male than female. She didn't fit society’s gender expectations and she didn't have to be transgender to try.

Hell I can’t wait for there to be no more gender expectations! Old white guys are scared that the brown people are trying to wipe out the white race, still to this day. They realize that in the future race won’t matter, therefore it can't be used to control.

It simply won’t matter, because we are evolving to become race-less. Soon it will seem archaic that we ever asked the question “what race are” you on any form. Can you even imagine what life will be like when race is invisible?

Gender is on its way to being erased as well. A lot of men in general, although admittedly mostly the same old white guys, are scared by marriage equality because, “Oh my god, they are going to make it to where people don’t see gender anymore.”

This loss of gender is going to be so good though. Because it is no longer going to be bad for a woman to want the exact same opportunities, the exact same adventures, and the exact same fun as a man.

Which is what people who dislike the lifestyle of women who live like my mom, the Wild Ones, are really complaining about.

They dislike her lifestyle because she is a woman living that way. If I had been living with my dad and that was his lifestyle no one would even care. Because that is what guys do, they get drunk and fight, they are passionate about things, especially when they are single and working blue collar jobs and taking care of a child.

My mom raised me in fun adventurous environments, with crazy fucking people, from all walks of life. Most people got boring, typical American dream bullshit to grow up in. I got to be the Wild One.

free spirit

Yet what I never had was this seemingly constant, consistent, feeling of connection and love and concern for me that I had in the past within the Pagan community I found … and I needed that.

It is okay that it is gone for me right now. Just like always, I can focus on all the good, and let go the negative. Although, GOD DAMN! it took me so long to get here this time.

I attribute this slow move as a desperate clinging to the fact that I had built every ounce of my being around being the community.

I needed to feel that type of connection. The problem is, for me, it was hard for me to express my returned love in those connections, how happy I was, in any other way except for sexually. So what I personally feel like has happened ...

DISCLAIMER: I have to proceed the next statement with a disclaimer that I DO NOT regret the sex. I don’t have any qualms with people who live the poly-lifestyle. I understand, with great empathy and experience, why people are drawn to it and I don’t knock it in anyway.

Personally though, I did not really understand, until Mistress and now Floodplain helped me to learn, you can connect so well, so deeply to someone, and it does not have to be about sex at all.

I think in the end, honestly, because sex was the only connection I really made with people, (yes I know there are other ways in which I connected, but that was one of the main ways I connected the closest. The way I could really express love.), when that connection was lost, so was the connection to me.

Yet I must admit, I have no deeper understanding then this, because, as aforementioned, the connection is lost ... I don't know what or if people feel or think about me anymore.

Not that people don’t love me, or that they don’t want me around or something. I get it. I’m not the life of the party anymore. I am not interesting anymore.

That’s what I really miss. Being interesting to others. People who will talk to me about me, about things I am interested in.

Community does not connect to me anymore.

I’m not trying to be selfish. I realize I haven’t been around much, I haven’t been doing things. I became celibate, I became “prude”, I got uber-sensitive about the teasing and built anxiety about being something wrong in our community. I also realize nobody cares about that anymore – so yeah, awesome!

Yet it has been heartbreaking for me for so long to go to festival. I know I built expectations around the type of person I was. When I finally tried to explain to people that I had these new boundaries, I started with those closest to me, and their reactions made me expect the same from others.

It made it to where I just didn't want to get fucked up around anyone anymore, nor be around when the party began, even if I was sober, because I had to be fully responsible when someone was going to come onto me in their intoxicated loving state.

I have a hard time with that role, because I love everybody, and I want to express to them love from me in the way they desire of me.

I love to be needed, wanted, and most importantly to nurture love in other people. I love the feeling of giving everyone as much of my energy as they need and seeing them burst with happiness because of it.

Yet not doing it sexually was new to me, and, due to my anxiety, I wasn't really afforded the opportunity to try to learn how to express it in a different way. My anxiety being built around the expectation that if those closest to me could not respect the boundaries, than how could others.

In short I was scared, I didn't fit anymore, and I didn't even know how to try to fit anymore.

When you compile all of this into the heart of a woman, a Wild One, who takes care of herself, well, you get a woman who slowly disappears. Because a woman who can't try to make it better, who sees that the fight to change is not an option or not working, will eventually take flight.

Yet this is the longest I have ever been connected to others; ever. I clung desperately to the idea that, if I just stuck it out, if I just kept going and made changes to things I could control; leaving the fire before the party started, staying sober, then it would all get better.

It didn't get better. Instead I learned what it was like to suffer from constant anxiety. Too have your heart pounding out of your chest, while your brain worries about everything that most likely will never happen. To build a sensitivity to everything around you as if at any moment just the right thing would shatter you into pieces like glass.

The truth is, with my past, I have never really had anybody there to help me with my problems but me. I have always solved them myself, through writing, or music, art, or time with nature. I am really good at this and I don’t really feel strongly about changing it. I love this artistic part of me.

However, my clinging desperately, rather than stepping away and spending time alone with it all; topped with my anxiety, made it impossible for me to figure anything out. The art stopped coming. All I could do instead was play chess with my life. Move myself cautiously into a square and hope to not get knocked out of it.

Until the music came that is ... but the music is a whole other story.

Most of my life I was lucky to get a few years with others; and then I gotta move. Then it is time to write letters, because there wasn't facebook, internet, texting, hell sometimes there was no land-line because we couldn't pay the bill.

So I would just move and lose contact with people. I would be alone again, usually it was summer, and usually we were in the middle of nowhere. So I would be in the woods, in nature, for the summer, by myself, all my friends living in some different city or state doing whatever it is that normal kids do in the summer.

Despite all the change and loss I would have a good time. I spent my time alone, contemplating the good memories, the lessons learned, while exploring nature. I would wonder if others thought about me. Sometimes I would fantasize reconnecting later in life and all the fun we would have then.

It is silly, because I really believed I was just forgotten. Yet with social media I found out that a lot of people did wonder about me. Even some people I had minimal contact with wondered about me. It’s been surreal to be connected still.

What I also realize is that if I met up again with all these people of my past, we would sit in a room and babble at each other with true interest in each other. We would express our passions and share interest in each other. Maybe some of us would find common things to follow-up with. Maybe connections would grow and new close friendships would be made.

This use to be what community was like for me.

I realize this is what community remains or has become for so many others.

For years I have expressed a desire to have a ritual, something to study, something to do, that connects us all like this again. Something that we can all focus on and learn together that allows us all to participate with each other and have something to talk about together. Something I can be included in.

What I finally realize is this: I am the only one not connected like this anymore.

The community still shares common interests, interests I am disconnect from.

I can’t express what I am passionate about and find other people interested in the community anymore.

Hell they don’t even have to really be interested in it.

It’s like when I was dating the second Corey, and he was such a dick. I learned everything about kayaking. I don’t ever even want to fucking go kayaking, yet I know all about it. I know more about the types of boats, rapids, boaters, water levels, then I ever wanted to know about. All because I wanted to be able to talk to him about what he is passionate in.

Yet with my passions he would say he, “Didn't want to know about it,” and he, “Wasn't going to learn that shit.”

I don’t expect people to learn everything about the things I am interested in; but it would be nice if people talked to me about it. To just try taking a moment and talk to me about things I am doing too.

Because right now I realize I could make an effort to be with the community, maybe twice a month, give all the love I have and then leave, and everyone would be happy to have seen me and fine with that level of connection.

This is what I have now.

I have come to accept that this how I fit.

It sucks not being included. I know that some of that is my fault because I am not sexual anymore, I am not really focused on the party anymore, and my interest are not interesting, etc., etc. As well I am sure there are other things about me that bother people that they just won’t converse with me about.

Yet those things I can participate in make me feel awesome. Even if it leaves me only connecting to the community ever so often.

Seriously, Yule was SSSOOOOOOOOO awesome. I felt so connected. I was needed. I was able to bring comfort and love without sex. The kids welcomed me like I was the best thing since sliced cheese. People loved the meditation. I was included in conversations and some people even asked and talked briefly about things I am interested in.

I was included, I could participate … yet most importantly people made the effort to include me and participate with me.

So it is I start anew.

I no longer search for how I fit. I know the small way in which I do and it is enough; for now.

I hold out hope, that in the future the connection to community that I use to have, that so many others still have, that so many others have gained, I can find and have again. I accept, however, that this may never be ... and I hope that the small connection I do still have is enough to sustain me in community if it never does happen.

So the Wild One, becomes a Lady, a Lady Godiva on a Buffalo, playing the drums, singing her heart out, honoring her Mother.

tigrissky: Tiger in Green Sea (starbuck)

It Doesn't Matter Where, Just Drive by Snow Patrol

This is a song that, once recorded, Gary Lightbody never played again. It is about the loss of his child in utero.

I found this song shortly after losing the baby. I didn't really connect to it as much then, as the loss was new, and it all felt too surreal to imagine how it fit. As well, I was certain I could just try again and get it right next time.

With time I would learn that to not be the case.

Once I lost Thomas though, well this song just broke my heart and became a constant for me. Because all the thoughts in this song they just ... for me they just apply to him ... he was real -- more real than the loss of the baby I was barely carrying in my Fallopian tube, more real than the baby I can never have myself. I have experienced the reality of being his Mom, of being a mom - and yet at the same time that reality was always an illusion.

For me, the only part of this song that doesn't fit is that, "the families all gather round," line. No one gathered round me when I lost the baby. No one gathered round me when I lost Thomas. In fact, my family made me feel like shit about it, as if I had chosen my religion over my husband and son. There was no comfort for me, only blame.

Still, some days I wonder if they were right.

As for my friends, well, the only two I had were busy with their own lives and my recent loss of pretty much everything, moving into my first place and being absolutely alone there, well, it was not a priority and could not be for whatever reasons. I don't place blame, it just is how it was at the time.


The distraction of Queendom and a community of strangers needing me, strangers that made me feel loved being just who I am, no questions, got me through a lot of things during that time.

Now however, even that is changing for me.

I question our human desire to be seen. To be known. To be accepted and understood, to be a part of something larger than ourselves, as I stand on a dividing precipice and wonder ...

Is there really anything larger than self?

I'm hurting a lot right now and, as per my norm, I feel as if I am not allowed to be. As if everyone else is more important than me.

To end this hurt, I must let go the anxiety I hold in regards to the possibility of yet even more of my connections being severed because of who and how I am as a person. In short, I must allow myself to be me and that means I must love me, not constantly worry about the me I am being and if the me I am is accepted or rejected anymore.

self sufficient

I must be okay with the fact that I just don't fit anymore. So I am.

"I don't fit anymore!" Woohoo!

While at the same time I know I still "gotta little space to fill." I am still loved, people still enjoy having me around, and that is the part I am truly grateful for. I will most likely always hope that someday, things will change, and I can have the closeness, the support, the connection, and the importance in community again. Yet for now, rather than focus on the loss, I am focusing on what I still have because what I still have is beautiful.

I still have me. I am still loved. Yes, "I still gotta little space to fill."

So it is I start focusing on that space. I become okay in alone again. It isn't a horrible place. It is simply the darkness of the Mother, of my self, of the upcoming season in which I will be born anew. Some of the steps I have taken, in just loving myself, with acceptance and assurance, are simply the signs of false labor ... my birth is coming.

So it is I return to the Gypsy, that I was, that I am, that will always remain my naked flame.


Father Time

Mon, Dec. 29th, 2014 12:03
tigrissky: Tiger in Green Sea (starbuck)
Athena of Hearts

I call this image "Athena of Hearts", the real title I could not find. The artist is Amanda Cass. It seems to speak to the place I find myself in right now - better than all the words I can come up with.

To try and explain to others what I am going through right now, with any term other than "anxiety", just seems to come across as if I am selfish and self-absorbed. Yet I don't know who I am anymore, I can't help but be here right now deep inside of me; and right here is exactly where my Queen is too.

I am sure we are all here, those of us connected enough to the cycle of things that is. The Queen bleeding; alone and cold. The King standing in the glory of the sun, holding it so tightly as to not notice the burnt soul he is creating within. So absorbed in the power of the light that the death, of his Queen; his kingdom; the night; is lost to him.

Except for that small piece of his heart that holds Her reins tightly. That piece of him knows her suffering well and yet still cannot accept the part He plays in creating it. Masking it all by laying the cause of the blame to Her strongly beating heart.

Until eventually even that sound, the first music, the life force, the Mother, simply is no more.

How will we survive in the greed of the light?

I'll leave that one up to the sci-fi authors to explain and explore.

For now, in the small space of life my soul holds onto for the moment, I look in the mirror and try and figure this "anxiety" out. Just me, this mirror, and a bunch of make-up and costumes that I can't get on quite right yet.

For we are all more than an moment, and yet in the moment we are.

For this moment, I come back to the safety of being Athena's right hand woman, my owl at my side. I lock away the call of my heart, as there are so many pieces that crush it right now, and so many bad decisions it wants to make for me. I instead focus on the wisdom it takes to love me, and in return, my heart.

I soaked up as much of that sun as I could while in Hawaii. I opened myself up to burn my soul. As I stepped off the plane, back to the cold mad land, I once again new the core of who I am. I can once again feel the flame inside myself.

As family invaded my space, and I grumpily prepared for their needs, I once again knew how I fit with them.

As I gifted Floodplain with items that, when purchasing, made me think fondly of just who the man I know and love is and how much he loves me, I knew how deeply I fit with him.

As I entered the site for Yule and felt the call of my community again, finally, I felt a load of anguish lift from my shoulders. I stepped out of my car and Mistress and the Moon hugged me, offered my tears and anxiety a place to release. As a Turtle and my Queen arrived soon after and offered to hold me tight. No questions asked. As I thanked the PirateQueen for "waiting for me" and hugged her Tinyman. As I laughed with and was cheered by the children. Then, at ritual, as the First Song had me holding SexyPinkLips ... I knew I fit again.

Yet I still don't know who I am.

So, Father Time, 2015 ... who am I? Do I really even need to know? Let's celebrate a toast soon and talk of where things may go. Dear Father, will you celebrate the Mother this year? Or will the power of Sun continue to be all you endear?


she considers

Fri, Aug. 7th, 2009 11:36
tigrissky: Tiger in Green Sea (starbuck)
“She Considers the Dimensions of Her Soul”
Young Smith

The shape of her soul is a square.
She knows this to be the case
because she often feels its corners
pressing sharp against the bone
just under her shoulder blades
and across the wings of her hips.
At one time, when she was younger,
she had hoped that it might be a cube,
but the years have worked to dispel
this illusion of space, so that now
she understands: it is a simple plane,
a shape with surface, but no volume—
a window without a building, an eye
without a mind.
Of course, this square
does not appear on x-rays, and often,
weeks may pass when she forgets
that it exists. When she does think
to consider its purpose in her life,
she can say only that it aches with
a single mystery, for whose answer
she has long ago given up the search—
since its question is a word whose name
can never quite be asked. This yearning,
she has concluded, is the only function
of the square, repeated again and again
in each of its four matching angles,
until, with time, she is persuaded
anew that what it frames has no
interest in ever making her happy.


Ive been really busy, I almost said for the past few months but seriously it's been for the past few years, dedicating myself to community, family (not blood bond but love bond) and spirituality. I have really stepped into myself by doing this and I have honestly never been happier and more at ease with life. As the war rages on, the economy crashes and people grow more and more intolerant, I find myself on a different path. This path of light, love and harmony. I feel myself connecting and connected and as corny as it may sound more at peace with the future than I ever have been.

After spending so much time, especially this year, neck deep in study of community, family and spirituality I have begun to wonder how I can better devote myself to it. Proving to myself, my soul, my family and community that I am serious and devoted. Im thinking I may want to pursue this path Im traveling on in greater depth and perhaps devote myself to the journey of applying a label to myself that all understand; priestess. (Scary huh? Me wanting a label!?!)

A few strong ladies I know have been approached to make this journey already. While they are making this journey I will observe and figure out what it is that they have and also what they go through on the journey itself. Im hoping to figure out the pieces of the puzzle I am missing and must complete in order to myself be approached with such an offer. Maybe Im not really priestess material and never will be. Whichever the directions my life path takes me I will not be unappreciative of it, even if it saddens me just a little to not be approached yet.


(no subject)

Tue, Apr. 19th, 2005 09:30
tigrissky: Tiger in Green Sea (Default)
My Astrological Portrait from Astrodienst (thanks FG:)-

This report is a short edition of the AstroText Portrait. It is meant as a sample and advertisement for the full version of the AstroText Portrait which can be ordered from Astrodienst as a bound report of about 20 - 30 pages. In the short edition, only a few, but nevertheless important aspects of your natal chart are considered.

As you read your short report, or any other astrological report, keep in mind that the energies interpreted here are your birth potentials. However, you may or may not choose to actualize these energies in the manner described. Your age, sex, socio-economic situation, education, environment, level of development, and many other factors contribute to the ways in which you express your natal energies. Remember, the planets do not compel you to do or be anything. They influence you, but you still have the free will to determine your own life.

The report was generated with the following birth data: female, born on 1 June 1977 at 12:00 noon in Portland, Oregon.

Your sun sign is Gemini. This is the sign in which the Sun is in your birth chart. Your Ascendant is in Virgo, and your Moon is in Sagittarius.

Partner references which may occur in the text are set for a relationship with a man. Explanation

Sun in Gemini, Moon in Sagittarius

You were born with the Sun in Gemini and the Moon in Sagittarius. Your individuality appears intellectual, while your personality tends to be emotional. Inwardly you are intelligent and dynamic, and your mind is active. Your keen intellect is given to theoretical ideas and mental speculation.

If you could live as you pleased, it would be a nomadic, gypsy sort of existence, totally free to experience new situations and people. In your daily affairs, others see you as restless and unsettled.

In dealings with others you are sincere and, unless extremely pressed by circumstances, totally straightforward. Others regard you as a vibrant person. You display a tremendous interest in philosophy and religion, and enjoy developing your own functional ideas.

The key to a better integration of your being is to harmonize your inner self, which is primarily intellectual, with your personality, which is more emotional.

Ascendant in Virgo, Mercury in the Ninth House

At the time of your birth the zodiacal sign of Virgo was ascending in the horizon. Its ruler Mercury is located in the ninth house.

This indicates that throughout your life you will assume a reserved, quiet, analytical, critical, and receptive attitude.

Although you are not an individual with a very strong ambition, you possess the ability to persevere and exert ingenuity.

Some selfishness is noted. However, if you are able to counteract this trait with your natural helpful and sympathetic attitude and address your positive qualities to resolve the problems of others then you will accomplish your highest spiritual duties and your degree of consciousness and perception will be expanded.

You are not afraid to work but you like to do things where you can use intellectual resources rather than mechanical ones. There is some independence here but don't try to be forceful about it because Virgo's natural habitat is one in which the person is led by some powerful authority and where the important decisions are best made by others.

You are very attentive to detail and this makes you a good worker, especially so in those jobs that require a great deal of precision and observation. You have a desire for purity and though you don't mind relating to others there is something that you do dislike: continuous intrusion of your privacy. Business and practicality should be very important in your life. Although we are not advising you to turn against your natural traits, which make you slightly reserved, we would suggest that when in love you let yourself relax and respond so as to be able to return some of the affection you are receiving.

Life will find you in many situations in which you will function as advisor and counsellor; make use of these opportunities to project the power of your creativeness.

Mercury, in this house indicates a devotion to knowledge and a mind which is analytical and inquiring. The position, however, is not unconditionally favorable as it tends to give you a dislike for the more material aspects of life and perhaps puts too much emphasis on the abstract modes of thought. You should try to develop more of the practical side of Virgo and adapt your higher thoughts to practical realizations.

Moon in the Fourth House

The Moon was found in the fourth house at the time of your birth. Moon here will definitely influence events concerning your mother, places of residence and family matters.

Both your childhood and even your older age will be characterized by a love of romance, various journeys, and interesting adventures.

The liability of this astrological combination is that it gives you an uncertain position in life and a perpetual striving for material security that seems to be hard to come by. This may be relieved temporarily by your receiving a small inheritance and will be almost overcome by the final years of your life by excellent family care and assistance.

Venus in the Ninth House

Venus was found in the ninth house at the time of birth. Your mind appears as very adaptable, gentle, peace-loving and tactful. This position indicates that the secret for your ability to reach a state of harmony and emotional balance may come through the use of your higher mental powers. You have been born with an exquisitely refined, artistic mind which has a very subtle appreciation of all that has to do with culture. Your disposition is kind, congenial, gentle and sympathetic and you have a natural ability to assist other individuals.

This position gives you much social intercourse with intellectual persons and success derived therefrom.

Merely minor disabilities will affect you in your intellectual endeavors. The worst that could happen would be an overly inquisitive, indecisive nature that never seems to be satisfied. However, you have within you the ability to avoid these psychological obstacles.

Sun in the Tenth House

The Sun was in the tenth house at the time of birth. The Sun here promises honor, success, and prestige in adult life. Publicly you appear as a vital, proud, powerful person. Your individuality has the need to manifest itself publicly and often to foist its energy on others. You have come to life with a satisfactory physical and moral heredity and you are going to acquire the favorable disposition of many persons of power to assist you in your ascent through life.

Your liabilities include an exaggerated pride, arrogance and a tendency to rely too much on your own resources.

Saturn in the Twelfth House

Saturn was in the twelfth house at the time of birth. This planet may place many unpleasant and annoying obstacles in your life, and intensify the feelings you have about the limitations of your environment.

Your professional honor affects your feelings very much and you are well satisfied when things go well. Destiny may have to teach you to tell the difference between fact and fantasy more clearly.

Certain complexes nest in your subconscious and show up in your mind as hypersensitivity, wanting to be alone and to do things by yourself so no one will know how you feel. You need a bit of humor and self-confidence.


AstroText Portrait - Short Edition


for Ember (female)
born on 1 June 1977 local time 12:00 noon
in Portland, OR (US) U.T. 19:00
122w41, 45n31 sid. time 03:29:51


Planetary positions
planet sign degree house motion
Sun Gemini 11°08'58 10 direct
Moon Sagittarius 10°14'43 04 direct
Mercury Taurus 17°03'33 09 direct
Venus Aries 26°09'26 09 direct
Mars Aries 26°45'50 09 direct
Jupiter Gemini 13°02'23 10 direct
Saturn Leo 12°12'52 12 direct
Uranus Scorpio 08°29'06 03 retrograde
Neptune Sagittarius 14°52'29 04 retrograde
Pluto Libra 11°30'20 02 retrograde
True Node Libra 23°23'12 03 retrograde

House positions (Placidus)
Ascendant Virgo 01°43'11
2nd House Virgo 23°39'13
3rd House Libra 21°13'58
Imum Coeli Scorpio 24°48'59
5th House Capricorn 01°05'35
6th House Aquarius 04°01'24
Descendant Pisces 01°43'11
8th House Pisces 23°39'13
9th House Aries 21°13'58
Medium Coeli Taurus 24°48'59
11th House Cancer 01°05'35
12th House Leo 04°01'24

Major aspects
Sun Opposition Moon 0°54
Sun Conjunction Jupiter 1°53
Sun Sextile Saturn 1°04
Sun Quincunx Uranus 2°40
Sun Opposition Neptune 3°44
Sun Trine Pluto 0°21
Moon Opposition Jupiter 2°48
Moon Trine Saturn 1°58
Moon Conjunction Neptune 4°38
Moon Sextile Pluto 1°16
Mercury Square Saturn 4°51
Mercury Quincunx Neptune 2°11
Venus Conjunction Mars 0°36
Venus Trine Ascendant 5°34
Mars Trine Ascendant 4°57
Jupiter Sextile Saturn 0°50
Jupiter Opposition Neptune 1°50
Jupiter Trine Pluto 1°32
Saturn Square Uranus 3°44
Saturn Trine Neptune 2°40
Saturn Sextile Pluto 0°43
Neptune Sextile Pluto 3°22
tigrissky: Tiger in Green Sea (Default)
I dreamed really vivid last night, the God was there. I can't remember again what was said or h ow things happened, I only remember one part and that the God himself looked like Sean Patrick Flanery.

The God was standing behind me, we were over loking a desk. Upon the desk were the pieces of my life. I stood in front of the desk, it came up to the tops of my hips, I leaned against it and looked down. Behind me was the God, he leaned into me, wrapped around me, speaking into my ear, moving the pieces of my life and talking to me. Standing to the rigt of the desk holding open a large leather bound book was either a two headed woman figure or two woman, I understood them to be the Fates, yet there were only two of them.

At one point the God turned into a bear and my heart began pounding with fear as his weight was crushing me into the table, his clawed paws were wrapped about me inches from my neck and yet I had to stand and totally trust him. He continued speaking, pointing things out in my life, low throaty growls emanating from his bear from. The Fates seemed excited by this form, excited that I would be destroyed by this bear form. Yet I simply stood and shivered, my heart beating as if it would burst from my chest, yet my mind steadyily telling me everything would be fine and that the God meant no harm to me.

The God stayed in his bear form only for a few seconds, maybe 30 at the most and then he changed back. When he did he spun me to face him, I looked up into his eyes, pressed firmly against his body and he was smiling down at me. He said something more and then he lay on his right side, his head propped up on his arm on the floor by the table and I could tell he was opening up to me. He was relaxed with my trust in him. I lay across from him on my left side smiling at him. I don't remember any of what was said until this point.

I heard the Fates grow angry that I had not been destroyed. The wind began blowing behind me. I turned, laying flat on my back and looked at them and they were conjuring a bear from their book. There was complete anger in their eyes and voices and swirling about them. I could see the bear was going to come and destroy me.

I remember looking over at the God and saying, "please help me." To which he crawled atop me and told me to close my eyes and hold my breath and then he kissed me full force on the mouth. Everything around me went this black-blue color and went completely silent.

It stayed silent for awhile and I had this feeling of protection.

"He wants you to move!" I heard a feminine voice speak. I opened my eyes and I was in my room, only it wasn't my room like it is now, it was a room that was mine, and I looked up and a face appeared and said again, "he wants you to move." So I ducked behind my bed and in that instant the bear, a cloudy figure, rammed through the area I had just been laying at.

I closed my eyes, laying on the floor beside my bed, at the sight of it and was again in that silent blue-black area. Then I opened my eyes and was back with the God on top of me. He had stopped kissing me and was looking down at me smiling. The Fates were still standing there, but no longer were they trying to destroy me. The God smiled down at me and kissed me again, I closed my eyes and again was in the black-blue silence. I opened my eyes again quickly not wanting to leave the area were I was with the God. I was back in my room. I shut my eyes again and nothing.

I kept trying to get back by closing my eyes and in my dream I remember laying open the bed and smiling remembering as I continued trying as hard as I could to get back to that place.



tigrissky: Tiger in Green Sea (Default)

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