tigrissky: Tiger in Green Sea (starbuck)

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Rush Hour
~TigressSky © July 17, 2015

What has my life become
Sitting in this cube
Impatiently waiting to experience
Rush hour
To become more
Exhausted and frustrated
A moment to sleep it all away
Then awaken to experience
Rush hour
And start this process anew

This isn't where I ever imagined I would be
In a high rise
Next to I-84
Wishing I had done something
Anything at all
That would have taken me
Anywhere but here

When I lose that drive
That tells me I can matter
I can make a difference
To someone or something
Great or small in this world
I can be
More than this moment
It is over
The grand 'They' have finally gotten me
The 'Man' keeping me down
Yes master I adhere

Yet is it man
Or is it the self
That keeps me confined in this nothingness
A meaningless task
Shuffling electronic information
From here to there
Keeping people imprisoned
To the importance
Of receiving acceptance
From the world
Acceptance granted by a printout
Of proof of who they are
Without it they will be allowed
Access to nothing of value
Defined by society
The mastermind controlling
Such proof of you
Of your very own existence

It is all so simple to see
Yet kept busy we are left blind
To the history of where
When, why, and how
This all became
And how simply different
It could all be
How simply simple
It could all be
How our very evolution
Is the de-evolution of life

Is it time for revolution
Inside and out
An awakening to selflessness
Unconditional love

Or is it an impossibility
Of reality
To be so
tigrissky: Tiger in Green Sea (Default)
Letting go is harder than simply opening a door and watching the breeze blow past you.

Some days, when I think I have finally let go, attachment slips in a grin and I can feel my body tremble with the anticipation of whichever emotion is choosing to hold me in that moment of confrontation with self. For if it becomes a confrontation outside of self, attachment has already won and I might as well finish my appearance as an ass to the tale this incident will become.

Or so my logic forsoothes me.

I use to be great at never showing emotion and in turn appeared as a robot to those who I did try and build relationships with. Logic always overshadowed emotion, emotion was too much my mother, and I was never going to be her.

Until it was I learned what it meant to be Her. When I finally recognized the gifts of life She granted me that are so necessary in the fucked up world I have been imparted.

Yet that is a whole other story about letting go ... in the one I tell now, people are still alive and I have no youthful excuse for my life's mistakes. Still, I keep making them.

I am getting better at embracing my emotions without letting them have control over the situation. I feel partial to mention that my previous state of being was to tell my emotions to "FUCK OFF!" Thus ensuring nothing but logical action in any situation. I do not truly know which is worse, allowing emotion or logic complete control? I certainly do know what I grew up believing was worse, hence my propensity toward the latter.

I have learned it takes a great deal of strength to embrace an emotion that flares, without letting it take control, while in the process of letting go. Especially when the letting go is believed complete and then something small awakens you that it is not. It is in that moment a trigger, like a shot of good tequilla to an alcoholic, snaps it's fingers and emotion rears at the gate.

In that moment, emotion can make you feel like a cowboy, turn you into a clown, and have you hiding in a barrel if you let it convince you to ride.

Letting go is full of all these fears, mainly in regards to change or loss.

Change has always held great space in my life. Therefore it is not fear of change that drives my emotions in this process of letting go. Though at first, I selfishly though it was.

I can finally admit to myself that it was fear of loss that truly had me clinging to this attachment so dramatically. Looking desperately for acceptance from anyone who was looked up to within the circle of my life. Anyone who could guarantee to me that my space here in the Universe we had created was a cemented throne I could always sit upon. A place I had come to believe and rely in. A place in which I had taken to storing my fear, my strength, my honor, and my dignity. A place in which I simply could not comprehend without me in it.

What would I be without it?

Nothing. I would be nothing without it is what I had convinced myself of.

Yet, as it is with all things, the throne had been crumbling since the moment it was presented to me.

Eventually I was going to have to journey on my own again.

Such are the cards the Fates have dealt me.

I can see clearly now that my throne is gone and never really was, except in times of rest, when I could offer of myself in return for the respite.

Such was the role of my crown.

As the Queen grew, the crown no longer fit.

She no longer fit.

The parties went on without her.

The address was changed.

The houselights removed.

What she had feared to lose she must let go. Sinking in the rotting compost of loss, which guarantees change, which fosters new growth, that which was now all around her. Accepting the death of an attachment of her soul. Welcoming the moment of rebirth into the nothing that comes with being everything she will never come to mean to this world; only to her heart.

To herself.

To this momentary experience called LIFE.

tigrissky: Tiger in Green Sea (starbuck)

Learning to walk again means ...

Sometimes I feel so selfish in becoming me. I wonder how many people are hurt in the wake of my movement towards who I want to be. Especially when that movement is meant as love, as awakening to a model of acceptance, of no longer making others feel rejected by me for who they are.

It is hard to not feel rejected when the core of how we connected was given a sudden halt signal by me. When these boundaries that were never there before have suddenly become walls of disconnection.

I recognize that as much as I have felt the sting of rejection, I too have provided that sting.

It is impossible to never say no. It is impossible to never say stop. It is learning how to do that with consideration as often as possible that I am working on. It is learning how to do it with considered forced when it may affect my mental health and physical safety that I am working on. It is learning how to do it so I no longer fear the anxiety of the reaction to the rejection that most likely will follow. It is learning to do it with confidence in knowing I am in the right to have boundaries; yet I am not in the right to purposefully hurt others because of my boundaries.

I am learning to relax ...

I want to figure out what the best of me is. Unlike so many I know I have never been good enough at anything to be considered a leader, an authority, someone to turn to for ... anything.

What have I been?

I have been a foul mouthed little girl; a representation of empty passion; jealousy's noose; a untameable unicorn; a flitting butterfly of hope; a Queen of hearts; a stir stick in the sour margarita of hope; an untouchable naked flame searching for love.

A woman avoiding the depths of the mirror while constantly looking at her reflection.

I have entered wonderland finally. Maybe I am too late to get anything out of being here. I intend to try every mushroom, to grow, to shrink, to attend tea parties, to cry until I might drown, to chase the white rabbit, to sing with the flowers, to be led by mad characters I don't quite understand, to allow the Queen to behead me this time ...

tigrissky: Tiger in Green Sea (starbuck)
I've done it wrong.

In some form I have done it all wrong. Repeatedly.

At least it wasn't with insanity.

Yet, there is no one to blame for the lonely state in which I continually find myself, but myself.

Sure, I know what pieces others have played. Yet I have always been the Queen on my chess board. Able to move however I want, whenever I want, wherever I want. The blocks caused by the other players on my board, they were momentary. Sitting in that square until it was their turn to move again.

Move they did. Away from me. Close to me. All around me. Some even knocking me right off the board from time to time. Yet the game always seems to end with the Queen -- alone.

In truth I have always just been treated as a pawn. Treated as if that "Queen thing" was just a passing phase. I dove right into it and as soon as it was over I was never contacted by my King again. Ever.

I always thought that was how it should be. That I was a bad person anyway, for causing issues in a relationship I had no right to step into the middle of. I just told myself I was suppose to hurt.

With all of the loss in connection I keep telling myself I am the one who is suppose to hurt.

It is now 7 years later; and with each loss, each judgment, each disconnect, I have just remained silent - because I am suppose to hurt.

I'm great at keeping me in my place. I'm just not so great at knowing what that place is should be.

"Curiouser and curiouser ..." Alice mumbled as she headed farther down the rabbit hole.



tigrissky: Tiger in Green Sea (Default)

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