The Seasons

Tue, Feb. 14th, 2017 08:20
tigrissky: Tiger in Green Sea (Marilyn Monroe Goddess)
Much of our theatrical entertainment celebrates the fantasy that the "bad" guys get their comeuppance and the "good" guys are left feeling vindicated. However much I wish to accept this portrait as some kind of truth, I cannot help but remember a key lesson, of which a major in mass communications provides; it is not the ordinary which serves to entertain but the extraordinary.

The extraordinary is also how stars explode and life forms from the dust.

Like a Phoenix from the ashes, life rises, regardless the outcome of right over wrong. You can't direct the wind, but you can adjust your sails. With love, unconditional.

You can only trust adjusting your sails as far out as the waves will take you without tossing you overboard. So it is discovered that success depends on the size of your confidence as it comes to such matters of the heart.

To deeply love is to truly see the presentation of self without condition. Conditions exist within the judgments and expectations that love just can't seem to forgive. Love, unconditional, forgives all.

Loving conditions keep the full experience of life locked, hidden, lost. The only choice left; to give up or push on.

Continue following the path which may allow you to achieve the ability to love, unconditional. Along this path confidence grows allowing the sails to carry ever farther out to sea.

Along the way we are convinced of the duality this thing called life shares with death. As if Apollo where not the sum of Dionysos, simply because one restricts while the other expands. Whom takes which role is portrayed as a seasonal affair. How quick it is forgot, the seasons are not simply determined by the the time of the year.

It is not always the dark which expands and the light which restricts. It is not always the light which expands and the dark which restricts. Growth and stagnation can be found in any direction; the wind through the sails, the fire of the heart, the crash of the waves against bare feet stepping upon the sandy shore.

So it is we are brought into this game of survival. Taught the difference between right and wrong. Given preference to life over death. Gifted the worry of legacy. Our success determined by a society running away from being. Driven by the obsession of doing. Believing that the bad guys get their comeuppance and the good guys their vindication.

Meanwhile, constant change washes over us. The good becomes bad. The bad becomes good. The forces of nature overwhelm the choice of which is current and which is dying.

Leaving us with only one truth, one choice, to stagnate or to grow.

Is this the answer? I do not know with any certainty that their even is an answer. Just choice.

tigrissky: Tiger in Green Sea (Marilyn Monroe Goddess)
There is a time where you try again, take a risk, putting one foot in front of another and step right off the edge of that cliff.

Maybe you'll fly.

Such a notion is all you need to proceed. To open the box of secrets, to eat from the sacred tree of knowledge, to let all of humanities doubts and fears escape into the world. Like Pandora, like Eve, like Ishtar and Inanna eating from the tree of knowledge and becoming the star of Venus. The star of hope. The star that leads the adventurer far from home and back again.

"When I began my journey of personal work and healing, I began to hear the word 'drama'. It addressed all the shadow, the brokenness, the emotional upheavals, the victimhood... you know what I'm talking about. It meant that this drama queen was not the 'real' me ~ but someone who was indulging in some seeking attention gimmicky behaviour.

I too picked up that word, and looked at my life as a soap opera of continuous twists and turns, highs and lows, and with great sincerity began to work to heal. Did a lot of work with my inner child. Deep gratitude to all those who supported me on my journey.

I also collected a lot of shaming messages on my way. Which I eventually learnt to give to myself. It was easy to shame me as shame has been big in my life. I began to interpret the difficult situations of my life as melodrama. Of course, sometimes, a hard shake-up does wake us up from an unconscious sleep. When I heard my behaviours being called drama and was told to get out of all that 'stuff' ... I was able to look at my life in a new way. I healed a lot of my auto-response behaviours once I understood the pattern.

Today, I can see how screwed up our body responses become through endless trauma creating experiences. Our body stores each and every memory of a fight or flight response that could not be properly executed. Our protective barriers have been breached a million times, (you know that if you are a girl travelling in public transport in India), and one simply learns to 'live with it'. So much numbing happens along the way, as our way of response gets frozen into habitual patterns.

Today, I am really sorry that I used the word 'drama' in a way that demeaned or shamed my brokenness, or any one else's brokenness. I want to deeply honour each one's life story and mine as well. I am glad I woke up to this, and apologise to anyone to whom I used this word. I am sorry."

The few quoted paragraphs above are from Sukhvindar Sircar, a woman of great respect whom I follow on Facebook. Her words came as I began writing this piece. A beneficial coincidence to the direction of my thoughts. Describing, with great analogy, the place I have been for so long now.

Yet here I am in this moment, on the precipice of transformative growth. A completion of sorts, into the beautiful bud of whatever flower I choose to become. To finally be done with time spent worrying about who I am and where I belong.

I belong nowhere.

I am variable.

This is exceedingly good knowledge. Knowledge of which I seem to periodically forget and rediscover.

A cycle completes and a Fool makes her way out into the world. Variable and heading nowhere she doesn't want to go.

Sand in her toes, awakened by the light of Venus, the star of hope, as she steps out into that ocean of night ...

tigrissky: Tiger in Green Sea (Default)

"Love Letter to Fanny Brawne"
John Keats

i have no limits now to my love.

i have been astonished that men
could die martyrs for religion--
love is my religion
i could die for you.

my creed is love & you are its only tenet.
my love has made me selfish.
i cannot exist without you.

i am forgetful of everything
but seeing you again.
my life seems to stop there;
i see no further. you have absorb'd me.

you have ravish'd me away
by a power i cannot resist;
& yet i could resist till i saw you;
& ever since i have seen you i have
endeavored often to reason against
the reasons of my love.
i can do that no more--
the pain would be too great.

my love is selfish.
i cannot breathe without you.


Is this poem beautiful? Or scary?

I am surrounded by so much love, so much desire, I feel so confident, so sure of things, so ... selfish. Is this poem really a good place to be in life? This in love that you cannot live without it? That it is the reason? That you struggle inside of it just to stay sane?

Psyche has shown me to love with an open heart. To forgive always. To connect by putting love first. I have an abundance of love. Yet is the fraility it has left me with conductive to life? Am I setting myself up to fall hard into the arms of despair if just one piece of this love dies? Am I prepared for the huge crush of failure this could bring?

I sit in the center of this tangle of love all around me and I am thankful that my biggest worry in life is how to love back enough. How to give back enough love that all the love I receive is returned three fold to the world. Yet it is painful in this center, witnessing the dissapointment, frustration and confusion I cause others via love.

All this love I have, receiving and giving, makes me so happy. I have become so selfish of this love, for to be without it is to liken myself without breath.

I have put myself inside all these arms and here is where I stay. As Keats states above,

"... i have
endeavored often to reason against
the reasons of my love.
i can do that no more--
the pain would be too great.

my love is selfish.
I cannot breathe without it."

tigrissky: Tiger in Green Sea (Athena)
I could really use a moment of appreciation, just a small moment, even one obscure brief moment of "you are doing great". It doesnt even necessarily have to be sincere, just one moment so it doesnt feel so lonely in here, so I feel seen.

I realize that everyone would do things differently than I would, hell they would do things differently than everyone else would as well.

I realize I could do things a million different ways.

I realize that my way may not be the best way or that it may make things a little harder, or seem that way.

I realize my quirks and needs are my own and others might expect different and just not "get it".

I realize not everyone will get my point or the point and maybe I screwed up and made no point.

I realize that everyone has their own lives to live and everyone is working hard.

Somewhere in this mix however, I am seen and some how have become unapproachable, I am doing it wrong, I am including people I shouldnt, I am wasting peoples time, I am confusing everyone, I am not able to meet everyones needs, I am not changing things to go easier on everyone, I am upsetting people personally, I am pushing everyone to hard, I am not able to get everyones attention, I am not able to keep this show on the road, I am not doing it per standards, etc, etc, etc.

Somewhere in this mix I have fucked up and frustrated everyone...

I swear I have been trying my harderst to listen to everyone and I have heard everything said.

I swear I have tried to make this as simple as I can.

I swear I have heard all suggested changes and my quick no is not because I am not listening or willing to change or because the suggestion sucked and I dont care.

I swear that I can be approached with any need and I apologize if I talk so fast that it leaves a feeling as if the point isnt getting across and Im not really listening.

I swear I am listening closely and hearing all you say, Im just processing the request/suggestion now and trying to see how it will lay out in my head and Im not trying to stop you from proceeding and telling me more I am trying to see your vision as well.

I swear Im not ignoring you, I just have 12 other people vieing for my attention as well and I am trying to hear them all too.

I swear I understand some people are not attending all the time, I know that it is hard because you are and it doesnt seem fair.

I swear I am paying attention and ensuring those who cant be there know what to do and how.

I swear I have all the "stuff" together and it will be there with me and I will ensure you do not have to go hunting for it and you will not go without it.

I swear I am thinking of everyone else before myself and I am trying, trying, trying to make sure everyone is taken care of yet it is impossible for everyone to get their own way and have this work so sometimes I have to say no.

I swear I appreciate everyone and all that is being done and all the hardwork and all the suggestions and even all the griping behind my back.

It is exactly how I envisioned it, it is beautiful, fun and the message is clear. Everyone has done the most fabulous job and I am overly impressed with how it has all come together. The weekend will be full of the most fun hands on learning about the Sephirah of the Tree of Life, everyone has volunteered willingly to get things done, I cant beleive how amazing it all is going to be. I only wish I didnt feel so outside of it. I cant explain it, but its hard enough to do this let alone have everyone involved so frustrated with me. So, it is with a heavy heart I move into this weekend with the hopes that those attending get everything they can out of it and have a fabulously connecting time and that they talk about for days after. At this point thats all I can hope for, my judgement has already been laid before I even attend and I know people talk and Im a fuck-up. Oh well, cant do anything about that but just get this over with and move on.

tigrissky: Tiger in Green Sea (Default)
Today was our first "stand up and try and walk through this" ritual rehearsal. It went very well considering we suffered through it once in the extraordinary heat and then a second time in the shade.

I am however glad I read my horoscope before heading out today. Most of the time I just read them and smile and dont give them much due. Today however this one just fit perfect:

Your key planet Mercury conveys less certainty today as he is chastised by sobering Saturn. You could become a bit depressed having to deal with the practical side of life, but your friends support you and you know you are loved. Keep in mind that you might not be able to put the big picture together in a way that makes complete sense, so just stay focused on what you know.

So, it didnt make complete sense yet, but we did what we knew and it got good reviews from Cleda. We just keep building and it will get better and better. :)

Although I hope my nightmare from last night doesnt come true and people actually show up for Fall Equinox! Last night I dreamt just myself and my boss went and no one else showed up the whole weekend. It was awful!

Okay off to dinner and watch some True Blood!

tigrissky: Tiger in Green Sea (Savitri)
Well, after a phone call that amounted in me leaving someone who wasnt Cleda a message about Fall Eqinox and the Dracula ritual, I found myself happily surprised at the great response to the ritual that I received! It was sooo much fun to sit with Cleda, Judica and Sexxy and come up with what equates to the entire weekends events. It left me with a few minor revisions to make in descriptives of the ritual as well as a couple of adjustments to make to workshops and those whom are running them. I am even more excited at the potential this Fall Equinox has and cant wait to get started on preparations, meetings and rehearsals! WOOHOO!

We also get the keys to our house on Wednesday and should be all moved in and out of the craptacular aparments by Saturday! This means I may be able to still head to class and festival meeting on Sunday as well as be all cleaned and fully signed out of the apartments by Monday-Tuesday. This way there is no charge for the month of July in the craptacular apartments.

Things to do:
- finish small revisions to ritual
- create calendar of dates for rehearsal and meetings
- get cost quotes and approval from festival committee for funding the journals
- come up with layout of the ritual space
- contact a couple people about workshops

Im a little more relaxed now and hope to have times to work on things between the Bastard and I as I am more or less just on the "prep and planning" mode and less in the "desperately waiting so I can move forward" mode. That desperatly waiting stagnation has put a true damper on everything right now, however, the challenges were embraced and now its time to let them go and move onto greater ones!

tigrissky: Tiger in Green Sea (God Damn Batman)

You Are Red

You are lively and fiery. You embrace the world and live passionately.
You are moody but generally enthusiastic. You love so many things.

You are able to have a lot of drive and focus. Some people would call this obsession.
You are aggressive about getting what you want in life. You look out for yourself first.

Finally, finally, finally! Dracula Ritual is finally coming out of my brain. I couldnt get anything written before. Finally its just pouring onto the page. I hope to be done with it by Friday and hand it off to Mr Moody for the first review. Then off to Cleda for final approval and out to the hands of my lovely ritualists for study. Jesus H. Fucking Christ there is hardly anytime to start practicing with everyone until mid-June. Ugh!

Okay Tig, one thing at a time...