tigrissky: Tiger in Green Sea (Impossible Lov3)
Dear Mom,

glenn frey

I get it now.

tigrissky: Tiger in Green Sea (Default)
"Because I Don't Know"
May Swenson

Because I don’t know you, I love you:
warm cheeks, full lips, rich smile,
dark irises that slide to the side,
thick lashes, thick hair, gleaming
teeth and eyes, your hand in greeting
warmer than mine, wider in blue shirt,
rolled sleeves, in dark jeans belted –
I liked your robust shoulders, wide neck and
tipped-up chin. That glow is blood
under skin that’s warm to begin with,
almost dusky, the red showing
through—of health, of youth—but more:
your open, welcome, I-could-hug-you look.
We met once or twice, exchanged smiles:
your lips curl-cornered to my thin,
crooked grin; your easy, laughing eyes
to my sharp stare. Did it pierce you
there, my look of hunger, like a hook?
I wanted only a sniff, a tongue-tip’s
taste, a moment’s bath in your rare
warmth. That last night, trading
goodbyes, when we kissed—or you did, me—
my hand took your nape, plunged under
the thick spill of your hair. Then
I stepped into the dark, out of the light
of the party, the screen door’s yellow
square sliding smaller and smaller behind
me. You’ve become a dream of ripe
raspberries, in summer country: deep, dark
red lip, clean, gleaming generous smile.
Who owns you? I don’t know. I’ll hide you
away in my dream file. Stay there. Don’t
change. I don’t know you—and had better
not. Because I don’t know you, I love you.


"Because I don't know you, I love you."


Throughout life I have moved and been pierced by the connections I have made to so many people. Some of it real, but more readily than not it is fancy; fantasy, something I imagine through distanced admiration. Dancing in a club his eyes meet mine and for a moment I am hurdled into his embrace and I can see my future. Then the song beat skips, my head turns and he is gone.

I have known orgasms in many different arms, through many different men - and women. Yet in my fancy, I have known so many more and some of them have been impossibly good. Setting invisble standards that no one could ever meet. A combination of traits, smells, eyes and shapes impossible to do more than imagine exist deep inside. Fading and changing, one day it is her, tomorrow it is him. Friday it will be three of them and today it is simply the reality of the him waiting at home. Yesterday it is always you and the what if's I can never answer although I imagine their answers are sweeter than any honey I have ever tasted.

So it is in this way, through these connections, real and fanciful, the list of ideals grows and changes; like the tides it comes in and out. Somedays I am stable and happy. Somedays I need more than can be given. Somedays I sweep the shore clean of all debris and leave no chance of capturing any piece of me. Somedays I lay a trail of nearly perfect sand dollar pieces, like a puzzle that can never be put together as the waves wash in and change it again. The luck of finding one whole seashell is a miracle that you can only find wrapped up in a gift shop sold by a buddha who knows the generalities of all humanity and sells it wrapped up in this small piece of me; unique, just like everyone else.

I dream of you, the scent of you, the safety only your arms can provide. The way you look and long for me. The happiness you have in finding me. The lengths you will go through to prove your desire for me. The way you question me to discover who I am and in doing so who you are. The things you learn from me. The things only you can teach me. The way you will work vigorously to ensure I am fully satisfied. The way you have made me feel that I am the most precious beautiful jewel from the Nile, as you kiss her - and him, and I am outside of the scene still secure in your embrace. Ensured that there could never be anyone as important as me. No desire worth fulfilling more than mine. The two of us finding a security together in fulfilling mutual desires and chasing after each others dreams. Making childish fantasies the overwhelming reality.

Mostly I imagine that I am not getting older. That you would still see me as a beautiful piece of artwork; standing next to the younger more atheletic and supple women who fill this room in competition of your desires. That you would choose me from the crowd of these woman who are found on magazine covers, in the club wearing next to nothing, smiling their bleached smile with their shapely bodies and bared belly buttons. That you would walk past them all, take my hand, whisper in my ear and show the world how valuable I really am. You would find my intelligence, verve, dissonance, black hair, green eyes, average shape and cynical tongue sexy. That all of your songs would be about me. All of your poems would bare my name. Your smile would come readily from thoughts of me. You would create a ritual dedicated to the Goddess that I am to your life. You would want to create life in the barreness of my ever withered Autumn womb no matter how futile it all was. You would comfort me through the loss of my beauty, my mind and my verve. That you would allow me to die first so I wouldn't be alone in the last moments of emptiness this world really is. That you could make me feel like my life had actually made some sort of difference. That I wasn't just a sheep sporting the voice of a rebel and the ideals of a madman just so I could stand black outside of the flock. Bahing and mocking the very thing I had actually become, desiring so much to be anything but average. Somehow being with you would ensure to me that wasn't the case. You would never accept anything that was not above average in your life.

Yes, it is true what they say, "Because I don't know you, I love you." Because you are the fantasy of my reality I love you. You will always be here, filed away, inside my head - my heart. Please don't ever escape, I don't know that I could bare the realities of life without you my ever changing sea of mystery; my very own Wild Thing.

tigrissky: Tiger in Green Sea (Body Kiss)
Last night I had some pretty weird dreams where I chatted with a lot of men I have fucked and I dont really remember what we chatted about, but I fucked them all again as well. I was in this large house filled with rooms, all were bedrooms, laid out exactly the same: my bed and its dark. Each room contained a man in my life that I have fucked. Most of them were recent ones and so most of them were community men. A few were old flames from high school and such. I would go from room to room, completely naked, crawl into bed with these men, have serious conversations with them and then they would fuck me and Id go to the next room. Some of them I would have way more serious conversations with than others, but Ill be damned if I can remember any of the conversations I had. A few of them I would visit again after having a conversation with one of the other ones that brought me more questions I needed to have answered by them. It was odd, and I suspect the purpose of the dream was to remember the fucking conversations, but I dont.


After waking up I stood in front of the bathroom mirror and decided to do what I call a "dental cleaning" on my teeth. I had woken up early and had the time. As I poked and prodded at my teeth, watching them ooze blood in great dripping quantities I spent a lot of time staring at myself. It all felt very ritualistic and at the same time I didnt try to control my thoughts. For once I wasnt planning out what I would wear or what I would work on when I arrived at work, instead, I just let my brain go where it wanted. It went somewhere pretty memorable and I have to say I didnt even really know that where it went was even on my mind.

I have always wanted to be pursued. I have always wanted that fantasy of a man seeing you and deciding he wants to pursue you, that you are just so overwhelmingly attractive to him that he is going to take steps to have you by his side. My brain started asking me, "where do you get this crap from? Movies? This has never happened to you ever so how do you even know what to expect? Fairytale scenes in movies are NOT real dear."

Then, just as quickly, my brain said, "this has to happened to you."

I remember at this point looking into my own eyes in the mirror, my mouth agape and bloody, and saying to myself with an overwhelming sense of seriousness, "what? When?"

Then it all played out in my head and I cant believe I ever forgot or put this to the side of my thoughts.

the details of this happening to me - LONG )

God Damn it though! I have had it happen to me. It is real. I have been pursued before and Im not building my wants of it from fantasy. There is a reality out there, there is someone out there who will pursue me. I just know it.

I spit the blood from my mouth and smiled a bloody smile at myself as I began to rinse.

"I just have to wait for it thats all", I though to myself as I spit the final rinse out and smiled a clear blood free smile at myself.

"I just hope Im not left waiting forever."

tigrissky: Tiger in Green Sea (Body Kiss)
If you could make me doing anything or use me in any way for your own sexual pleasure or satisfaction, what would you want me to do?

I really would like to hear everyone's answer. If you don't feel comfortable leaving it in a comment, feel free to message me through LJ or, if you have it, via my personal email.

tigrissky: Tiger in Green Sea (Default)
Sometimes I wonder about the fantasies a song can create for me, especially when Im at work...
[Error: unknown template video]

Her heart beat heavy in her chest as if it was buried in a coffin and pounding to get out. She felt a nervousness she didnt think existed outside of her youth and she took it as a sign of all the danger she was about to step into, willingly.

The door opened and his arms presented themselves. She fell into them without a moments thought to the eyes watching and allowed his lips to partake of hers. Oh sweet trespass, if this be trespassing then let me step across that line again and again.

Inside her room she fell prey to the longing deep inside a craving ache that she could not satiate alone. With his embrace he took time to deeply penetrate and fulfill a shuttering quake. Her energy ebbing against the tide he completed her with. The flow, crashing upon her shores, in and out, and all about. The waves surrounding them in moistness and a sweat that tingled and slid across the bareness of their bodies pressed into a mold that created one and no one.

His breath heavy in her ear. His arms tight about her. Her face buried into his neck. Her appendages entwined tightly about him. Hips moving slowly, forcefully, to the rythm of the music their lost breath and nervous hearts were creating.

His breath on the back of her neck, his hands holding her waist, pulling her closer to him, his finertips running up her spine, every thrust met with her thighs pushing back. Her face buried in the bed, moans muffled, her hands gripping tightly the blankets, her arms supporting her and her thighs meeting every thrust.

The collapse as he erupts, the rush still between them, even fulfilled the shores still tingle for each wave, waiting the return of the tide.

With a contented sigh she still felt her heart pounding each time his fingertips brushed across her back. Each time his eyes met hers. Each time she reached out and felt his body next to hers.

Each morning since his embrace left her the emptiness of a tide not returning fills her heart and it pounds incessently to get out. Trapped in a cage she didnt intend to put it in. No locks or bars does it contain and yet the heart waits inside freely choosing to remain bereft of the tide.

~TigressSky~ © 2007

so tired...

Fri, Apr. 6th, 2007 14:38
tigrissky: Tiger in Green Sea (Body Kiss)
Thursday nights are going to kill me one of these days. Its okay though, Ill at least die happy.

First shopping at the Metro where I bought a dress that I HAD to have. Ill get some pics in it soon and post them. It is HOT or as Fwap says TA-SEX-A.

Then a stoplight that lasted forever and hot boys at the bus stop. They caught me staring and waved. I waved back. They blew me kisses. I blew them kisses back. One of them lifted up their shirt just a tad. So I lifted up my shirt just a tad. The other one then proceeded to fly up from the bench and lift his shirt up all the way. I giggled and gave them a shot of my bra. They cheered and then the two boys grinned and grabbed each others penises and smiled. Just then the light turned green and I waved goodbye.

"Gods I needed that randomness. We should have asked them to get in the car. I got some candy little boy."

"I can get the beer," says Fwap.

"Yeah you are right I got beer works better."

Then to the Perch for Karoake, Pool and hickies...???

DorkBoy and CuteBoy are there again.

While Fwap is singing I sit on the pool table next to DorkBoy who is leaning against it and say, "so why havent you asked me for my phone number yet then?" To which he smiles and says, "Im shy."

"Oh," I say and just sit there.

"Can I have your phone number," he says and I grin happily and program it in his phone.

We flirt, - touching, holding and laughing. I enjoy every minute of the attention and the awkward shyness we share. Most of all I enjoy the feeling of someone who I share mutual attraction for and just plain old get along with wanting to be around me. Wanting to hold and touch me. Smiling because I am in his arms.

DorkBoy heads to the restroom and CuteBoy says, "put up Barbie Girl for DorkBoy to sing."

"No," I say laughing, "he doesnt do karoake."

"Sure he does, he did Brittany Spears when we put it up for him the other night."

I laugh and say, "alright."

And this is how the "Daring" begins between CuteBoy and I throughout the night.

Soon enough he says, "your phone beeped."

I check my text messages and CuteBoy has sent me a message, "does she like me" (she being Fwap).

I look at him and say outloud, "yes."

Soon enough he texts me again, "do you like DorkBoy?"

I look at him and say outloud, "yes. Why the hell are you texting me numbnuts Im right here."

He just grins.

Soon enough another text, "I dare you to kiss him then."

I look down at DorkBoy who is wrapped around my lower body holding onto me and I holler at CuteBoy and say, "okay, I know the dare, but whats the reward?"

DorkBoy looks up at me and says, "shit what he is telling you to do?"

Soon enough another text, "if you kiss DorkBoy Ill kiss Fwap."

So, it takes me a few but I work up the courage and CuteBoy isnt standing there.

"Where is CuteBoy," I ask DorkBoy.

"I dont know, why?"

"Damn it I need him now."

"He is in the bathroom I think."

At this CuteBoy comes out of the restroom and I say, "okay stand up DorkBoy," and he stands, "okay CuteBoy here you go," and I lay one on DorkBoy who proceeds to kiss me back and ... DAMN! Yeah! Happy!

Kiss ends, DorkBoy, big smiles, "what was that all about?"

CuteBoy, "Okay Tig," and he grabs Fwap, pushes her against the wall and lays one on her.

Kiss ends, Fwap, big smiles, "what was that all about?"

It takes a few more shots at pool and DorkBoy pulls me too him and says, "how about one that isnt a dare?"

"One wha..." kissing now.

At some point CuteBoy dared DorkBoy to give me a hickey. I pushed him away and said, "no." It was too late, just 10 seconds and my neck has a nice red mark. DorkBoy felt so bad after he learned I have a pretty high level State job and cant really afford to end up with hickeys at work. "I will never do that again," he said to me looking intently in my eyes, "Im sorry."

A few more intense kisses in the parking lot. "Its only 2 right, you'll still get 5 hours of sleep," and the kisses continue until we finally let each other go.

I start up my car, roll down my window and he dives in and starts kissing me just as the very slow silent part of Echelon starts playing...

Its all you've got inside your head
Better get up and leave instead

Then my body turns to mush under his kisses and the intensity of the song picks up...

It took a moment before I lost myself in here
It took a moment and I could not be found
Again and again and again and again
I see your face in everything

CuteBoy pulls him out of my window and he begs to come back, finally gets away from him, runs to my window and just as the song slows down again

Look at the red red changes in the sky

leans in and kisses me softly, gently, slowly...

"Ill call you tomorrow."

At 7:03 am my phone message alarm goes off alerting me of a new text message.

"Good Morning," it reads and I smile.

tigrissky: Tiger in Green Sea (Default)
I'm On Fire
Bruce Springsteen

Hey little girl is your daddy home
Did he go and leave you all alone
I got a bad desire
Oh oh oh
I'm on fire

Tell me now baby is he good to you
Can he do to you the things that I do
Oh no
I can take you higher
Oh oh oh
I'm on fire

Sometimes it's like someone took a knife baby
edgy and dull and cut a six-inch valley
through the middle of my soul

At night I wake up with the sheets soaking wet
and a freight train running through the middle of my head

Only you
You cool my desire
Oh oh oh
I'm on fire
Oh oh oh
I'm on fire
Oh oh oh
I'm on fire

I'm on fire. )


(no subject)

Mon, Sep. 12th, 2005 15:54
tigrissky: Tiger in Green Sea (Default)
What I have learned is that doing the easy job is just as a expected, easy, but being the low-man on the totem pole sucks. I knew coming into this that my issues with authority would need to be kept in check. I don't think however that I was prepared for the low expectations my role is encumbered with. A State job is much different than any job I have had for corporate america thus far. The goals of coporate america center on company earnings as a mark of success. The goals of a State job focus on benefiting the community as a mark of success. It is a very different mentality. More relaxed, less demanding and at the same time more satisfying of an ideal.

Currently all of Oregons Vital Records (ie Death, Birth, Marriage, Divorce) are kept on microfiche and paper. I am part of a brand new (temporary - based on funding) department that is focused on implementing a web-based electronic system to keep the records on. There are five of us on the implementation team and four of us work under the project supervisor. The four of us are all new to the State and the Department and all share very similar experience as well as knowledge. We actually get along great. There are a couple of weird quirks, but there are with everyones personality. Like the girl whose a year younger than me and in a size 10 obessesing about her weight or the lady whose in her 40's and has OCD and a bit of ADD if you ask me. Yet I am sure they think I am the weird giant girl who reads books with a highlighter and loves to do research for fun. Whatever the case the State put together a team of people whom at some point or other have all done each of the team roles. Most of us have done each of the roles all at once and by ourselves. I think we are all use to things moving a little more fast paced and chaotic then now. I know we are definitley not use to having so much help. I suppose this is one of the factors that make corporate america look at the State and tell them things are done inefficiantly, I mean when you can do all the work we four are doing with one person in the coporate world, I am sure our set-up looks like a joke. (Yeah I know there are many other things that make the state run inefficiantly so no need to whack me with them.)

Anyway though, I thought you would all be more excited to pay your taxes and know you are supporting me, until I found out that the Vital Records department is not funded with any State Tax money so...nevermind. hehehe

Shit, I've become boring... )
tigrissky: Tiger in Green Sea (Default)
I woke up this morning and the scent of him was gone. It had been all over my body last night and I couldn't get enough of that scent. I fell asleep with it right next to my nose. Then I woke up this morning and all I managed to smell were left-over cigarettes and the stink that is me after dancing for 3.5 hours straight.

The shower became a must. I made my way to it and opened up the medicine cabinet and low and behold that scent wafted out of the cabinet. My hungover eyes opened wide and I inhaled deeply again while grasping my toothbrush. This time I smelled mint, the toothpaste. I then stuck my nose closer to the cabinet and sniffed again. There it was. All I could find in there were bottles of body sprays I had gotten for Xmas or my birthday or my bacholorette party last year. I knew none of them smelled that way. That smell, it was a man's smell.

I reached farther into the medicine cabinet and around into one of the blind-spots and there it was. It was a gift that Corey's nephew got him for Xmas, Axe Voodoo. I inhaled it deeply again and I was fantasizing all over again.

I showered and felt quilty about it. I realized in the shower I was more concerned with what my friends would think then what Corey would think. I wondered why and I think that is because he will never get the full story. On an even deeper note I think it is because losing them, having them feel shame or dishonor with me, would be so much harder to bare then losing him. There is a lot going on in this portion of my life right now and I dont want to lose any of it but I also dont want to give up myself to keep it. If that makes sense.

My birthday is on it's way, Wednesday and I will be 28. Last night Aurora came up to take me out. In my old feeble sense I had put in my head that the best option for to unemployed women with families and debts would be movies and dinner. Yet she showed up and the energy was not saying anything about movies and dinner, it all pointed to bright lights, bass and dancing. So the plans changed and for all you Star Wars fans I know you are mad right about now.

The first weird spot of the night was when we were leaving and I realized how nervous I was. It felt like my first time again. I had that feeling of, "I have never been out before what will this be like?" and the "maybe I shouldn't be doing this because I am so overweight and getting to old?"

The next weird spot came when we stopped by Aurora's exes place to get money and he wasn't there. We started walking to leave and he came around the corner and scared the bejesus out of me. Then for a moment when I didn't know who he was in the sparsly lit hallway I thought he was pretty hot. Then I knew who it was and I thought, "okay I have never thought he was hot ever, what the hell?" Of course then he started talking and I remembered why I dislike him so.

The night itself was full of much unexpected energy. On our way there we found ourselves laughing and talking cursing the lack of CD's. When we parked it was right across the street and the lot attendent completely flirted with us after Aurora gave him a huge tip. It was sweet.

"It's my Birthday on Wednesday are you gonna let me in for free?"

"I'll tell you what since you two girls are so cute I'll let you in for free, right up to that counter there were the man takes your money."

Yeah, funny, assholes usually try to be funny and it really just comes out condensending and rude. Of course when Aurora said, "darn I thought you were serious and was gonna kiss you," well, his tune seemed to change quickly. By then it was too late in my book, so I walked her to the counter and we paid.

The bartender on the other hand was awesome. Aurora and I bought a shot and then he gave us a free Lemon Drop because it was my birthday. See, thats how you get tips from two women with money to spend only at the bar all night. Smart man indeed.

The best thing about Ember's is the music selection. They start out the night with 80's music put to a techno beat. All the stuff that old fogies such as myself grew-up with and make us feel young again. As the night progresses they flow into techno and by then you are drenched with sweat from the 80's aerobic music and suddenly lost in the beat.

Prior to the change to techno a very hot gay man grabbed Aurora and said, "dance with the beat, feel the beat," he rubbed her cheek with his hand and made her move to the rythym, "thats not an insult." Suddenly the techno beats were flowing through her. They were so hot dancing together and I stood on the sidelines and watched a bit. She came to me all flushed and smiling afterwords and we went and got a drink.

Soon the techno was flowing full-board from the speakers and Britney Spears Toxic came on. The really hot gay guy was dancing incredibly sexy with a pretty hot little number on the floor. They had a small audience. That energy flowed through Aurora and I and soon we were dirty dancing together. Then I looked up and a very Handsome guy and one of the hot gay guys friends were doing some dirty dancing of there own. Yep, I leaned back against the cage behind me and was tranced by the seen. Hot gay guys friend stopped dancing with Handsome and I grabbed him and said, "no please don't stop." To which he brought Handsome on teh floor and the three hot guys did some dirty dancing together.

Aurora broke right into it and became sandwiched between hot gay guy and his friend while Handsome continued to dance. My focus was lost on handsome. Tall, dark hair, a hat, blue shirt and built and he could dance. He also fulfilled me ever burgeoning (hmmm this must be a new favorite word or something) home-erotic fantasies and again I found myself thinking I was safely transmitting energy to a gay man. I was wrong.

He stared at me, began dancing for me and soon he was dancing with me. Dirty dancing, sweating together, bodies all over, heat, techno booming and that smell of him. I was a goner from the get-go and I had put all my energy out there to him and he came right back with it. We kissed. Passionatly. Wantingly. With such force that my breath was knocked out of me and I thought I would pass out in his arms. It's been years since I have felt that much want in a kiss and I melted, just melted completely into that.

He had his tongue split and that was a turn on. Especially when he grabbed my finger and sucked on it and I realize what that tongue had to offer a clit. Shivers and tingles still run through my body. We danced, we made out, our bodies grinding, pulling his hair, wearing his hat, feeling every inch of him. He then proceed to repeatedly do the one thing I fantasize about continually, he picked me up without any support but his own muscles and he proved, fully clothed, that he could fuck the shit out of me that way.

I was getting caught up in it all and something in the back of my head said, "where is Aurora?" I looked around and couldn't find her and so I grabbed Handsome's hair, tilted his head backed, licked up his neck and bit his ear and then whispered, "I have to find my friend." He grabbed me and whispered back, "I have to sit down." We kissed and parted.

I found Aurora drinking some soda, smiling and glowing. "Oh my Gods!" I said and nearly collapsed from the power surrounding me. We shared some coke and laughed and then went and danced some more.

There was plenty of eye candy there, much of it gay and very appealing. One such piece looked just like a Ken doll and we laughed about that. "Call me Barbie," I said. "Oh wait, Barbie is divorcing Ken, nevermind call me Midge."

Of course Ken knew he was Ken and knew he had his choice of the pickings and so Ken, with all his physical beauty, was not very sexually attractive to me. He is the type you know won't do shit for you in bed. Yet he still grabbed me and flirted with me and grabbed Aurora and flirted with her. He told Aurora that I should be, "out there dancing," and she said, "yes she should, isn't she just goregous," to which Ken said something to the likes of "divine" or "definitly" or maybe even "darling."

Then Aurora with all her Queen energy stood there laughing with me when three strangers stood next to us and one guy just reached out and walked his fingers up her arm. To which his friend said, "dude, your girlfriend." To which his girlfriend said, "what the fuck!" To which the Girlfriend stormed off and teh Boyfriend followed and I leaned to the Stranger and said, "did she just start a lovers quarrel." The Stranger looked at me, "yes I think she did."



"Damn it all!"

Followed by laughter and a, "what I missed it," from Aurora.

More dancing and as I turned and looked there was Handsome and he smiled at me really big and grabbed my hands and pulled me too him. I cannot even reiterate teh numerous things he did with me fully clothed and just dancing and kissing that made me want him so bad, but he did them and he did them all well.

"You are dangerous," I said and started to walk away.

He grabbed me and pulled me back to him, "no I'm not," he said with sincerity and we danced.

A few minutes later, "you are dangerous," I repeateded and he grabbed me closer to him and said, "no, it is all free and safe out here." By out here he meant on the dance floor and I melted back into him again. We were so much one, it was like everyone else was just there to lend us their energy so we could keep going.

Soon, too soon, his ride came. "You can have one more song," she said as the pleading look on his face melted her. By the second song, "you are driving me crazy," fell from my lips. "Good, thats whats suppose to happen."

By the third song. "Don't you just want to take me home with you?"

"Oh Gods I want you so bad and I am so bad because I am so married."

Shame, shame he signaled with his fingers and pulled me closer. "Do you come here often?"

"I do now."

He picked me up and spun me and kissed me hard. The fourth song started and his ride came back. "My ride," he paused and turned back to me, "be here next Friday and I guarantee you will cum."

I kissed him so hard and he held me so tight and then he was gone.

As the energy fell slowly I noticed the blisters on my feet, the tiredness in my eyes and I was so done. Aurora looked at me and we decided to go. We thanked the bartender and the EyeCandy security card and headed out. On the way out Aurora gave that doorman that kiss she teased him about, just a simple peck and he smiled big.

On the way home the conversation was intense and I was so drunk. I put my hands to my face and took a deep breath and there he was again. "Oh my Gods I smell like him. I could so be happy loving myself tonight with this smell."

Being lonely and loneliness are two different things. That was the lesson I learned on my way home. Physically I am not lonely. I have a husband, a stepson, my family and friends and yet mentally I feel lonely all the time. Even when the man I love his right beside me each and every night. Even knowing that there is a child who depends on me. Even with my family living just down the street. Even meeting all these new friends. Even having all my old friends. Even being close to certain friends. There is still this part of me that is so lonely all the time. I call it my bi-polar part. Who knows though?

With the issues that have recently arisen in my life I know that I should feel comepletely guilty. Yet this is me. I am just as fucked up as you. Probably more fucked up. The thing is that for all that passion there and the energy nothing more than that dance floor was going to be experiencing it. It's still fucked up I know. I'm still fucked up I know. I fucked up I know. Yet I can't get away from that smell.