tigrissky: Tiger in Green Sea (Body Kiss)

Wandering for years
Outside of self

Everything to lose
Stepping back inside

Embracing tighter
The gypsy shoes

... 10 years of Beltanes and here I remain; connected.

What am I trying to say? Sometimes the poetry mutes me through the desire to find the right words; the right way to describe an experience only I can truly comprehend. Longing for someone, anyone, to desire to see, through my eyes, the beauty in those moments when only you and I connect.

Whoever you may be ...

Sometimes a stranger smiles and quietly professes, through the crackling of flames, an announcement of power thought lost. A reminder of a time, sitting chained near the water's edge, strangers dancing in the naked flame, a tiger commanding you ...


Towards an olive grove facing the sea.

A deep breath in, the heart pushing away fear through a crescendo of palpitations. Only to find itself pressed tightly against a tiger's back. Where this moment will carry me, only the softness of a tiger's claws can ensure.

In this moment of assurance, claws brushing lightly across my fragile fingertips, holding on. I don't want to wake up; from this gift of time -- to feel, to know, to experience ...


So I simply refuse sleep.

Until the Earth finds the strength to awaken Apollo's kiss. Offering a reminder of what it is like to crawl in bed and fall in love with the Moon.

tigrissky: Tiger in Green Sea (starbuck)

Several years ago I found myself suddenly surrounded with opportunity to develop my self confidence again. It all started the first moment I stepped on that Greyhound to return home, back to Oregon, in the winter of 1999. For the next 9 years the love I was surrounded with just grew and grew. My value stopped being in question. Even through divorce and loss I was gaining, not losing.

Yet that would soon start changing. The change was slow to be noticeable on my end at first, because of the confident security in which things had been built around and within me over such a long period of time. Yet, little by little, for about the past 5 years, the change has grown to a fervor pitch, where I have been continually slapped, - left, right, up, down and every which way, from every direction I can see and many of those I cannot. Slapped hard by those whom profess deep love for me, as well as those whom barely know me. Slapped with assumptions of my confidence being nothing more than arrogance. The passionate presentation of my confidence quickly becoming seen as a braggart of righteousness; no matter the fact I never brag and strive to remain humble to the goals all are working towards.

This is why those slaps really confused me; I kept asking after each one, "How can anyone see me this way?"

I tried to ask directly and was always met with silence. So I started asking the silence. It never had anything good to say in response. Neither did the rumor mill, which seemed to be the only voices, outside of the silence, bothering to answer the question.

Answers which aided me in welcoming back to front and center anxiety!

So it was, with silence and rumors, I tore myself apart; finding only a small handful who saw and worried about the damage I could be causing myself. If it wasn't for them, well, it would have been so easy to just let go of everything I had filled my heart with for all those years, everything that had helped me build my self-confidence; letting it just disappear and letting it all go.

Though, as Frou Frou attests, there is definitely "beauty in the breakdown."

As painful as it all was, I have come out the other side of it with my confidence still in tact, and admittedly, greatly strengthened. Anxiety retreating back into the shadows as I can understand many of the things that may trigger it. Because of this understanding, I am able to work on controlling my reactions to these triggers; no longer overreacting as often nor finding problems with myself that are not truly there.

From being made to feel an Outsider in my own life.

To Letting Go and going through a breakdown.

To spending most of my time with Sadness once again.

To being supported by a few whom constantly reassured me that I am not a Problem Girl.

To being reminded by those few how Madly Loved I am.

To What I Found Out, alone within the silence of the darkness.

To finding my Torch Song once again; my light.

To remembering the only love I know how to give.

To recognizing that In The End there is nothing more to life than love, is there?

And, in the end, This Isn't Everything I Am ...

This isn't everything you are either. This is just a moment. Just a moment, a breath, an emotion, a creation of a memory that may soon be forgotten ... or may last your entire life.

In the end, your entire life is just a moment as well. One solitary moment for you to try and fail at, over and over again. For you to lose and find your way in. For you to come out of and crawl into the darkness of. For you to be the fool and be made the fool. For you to love and for you to forgive. For you to break a heart and repair one. For you to hold a hand and lose another.

A moment to love.


Songs and artist used in this post, listed in order of appearance:

The Outsider by A Perfect Circle
Let Go by Frou Frou
Hello Sadness by Lucero
Problem Girl by Rob Thomas
Love Her Madly by The Doors
What I Found Out by MissAnneThrope (from PDX!)
Torch Song by Joey Kneiser
Bruised Ribs by Joey Kneiser ft. Kelly Kneiser and Todd Beene
In The End by Snow Patrol
This Isn't Everything You Are by Snow Patrol

I include this list because Youtube often loses videos and these songs are important to the train of thought in this post.


Thu, Nov. 29th, 2012 16:21
tigrissky: Tiger in Green Sea (starbuck)
grand adventure

So, this is what I am trying to figure out. What scenarios, beliefs, and bullshit no longer serve me? Right now I feel complacent and settled which is normally viewed as a good thing, yet for me it is a sign of a huge crash to come.

I need change and adventure. I have a need to feel like I am constantly learning, changing, and growing. I cannot know it all, but I want to know as much of it as I can while I am here. This pointless existence needs points to drive it.

I love many. I have a man who makes my heart skip a beat with each kiss. I am love.

Still, I feel much confused distance from the connections I have currently. This has been the topic of so many of my posts, even though my posts have been so few. I desire deep connection again. Discovery of new and wondrous ideals that lead to shenanigans and adventuring. I want to try a million new things and get good at a small few. I want to know and be known. I want to stop aging and start living.

I want to adventure into a zone of wonder and discomfort and let go of so much that is known and comfortable. I want to change it up! ALL OF IT!

The main group I am attached to has been together for 7 strong years. Yet we have become complacent, conforming to our ideal of the "norm". Birthdays parties are the same thing, repeated. Get-togethers are the same thing, repeated. Trips to PDX are always to the same places, repeated. Festivals are the same thing, repeated. We are scared to let new people in because the personal growth and change required to do so is uncomfortable. Yet we want desperately for new people to come. Is this our end? Stagnation. Comfort. Complacency. They lead to death.

I say "we" and "our" as if I am still a central piece of all this. I'm not.

I'm not really certain exactly when, exactly why, or what combination of things operated together to cause this shift. Yet it has happened. I am well aware of the difference of opinion towards me. The shift from, "she is imaginative, gives us new possibilities, inspiration, and is an integral part," to, "she wants everything her way, she is judgmental, annoying, controlling, selfish, and no one wants to hear from her anymore" could not be made louder and clearer.

Like those whom have been "in-charge" before me, I have become an archaic lesson of what not to be. How not to be. Articulate but selectively heard.

And so it is I cling to the last thing that makes me feel like I am contributing and still a part of it all; registration. Yet, it is telling and I am aware, that even that is soon to displace itself.

I am truly brokenhearted.

I miss feeling central and important. I miss people finding me quirky and fun. I miss having everyone read and respond to my messages and participate with me online. I miss being the first thought for a role or help with ritual. I miss people wanting to hear my stories or give thought and value to my opinions. I miss people coming up to me after ritual and telling me how inspired they were by it and how much they got from the whole weekend or evening. More importantly though - I miss being there for so many. I miss people coming to me for help and advice. I miss knowing that I have made a difference in someones life and truly helped them; even if only in the smallest of ways. I miss sitting with people and simply opening up and discussing the meaning of "XYZ" mythos as it applies to the human experience and then proceeding to discover how to share those meanings with so many others.

I miss a lot of things and know that I have to learn to let those things that have left me go. What is truly meant to continue will find it's way back to me. What is truly meant to dissipate into memory will; and in doing so it will open me up to new experiences and opportunities.

Change is an adventure and absolutely necessary.

It is hard though ... while in the throes of change ... to not stop thinking about the past. How things use to be. How you continue to wish they could be. To constantly question the change, which just seems like rejection, judgement, a small bit of jealousy, and most especially loss. To recognize and understand all of the feelings of anguish and sometimes bitterness. To find yourself distressed with pangs of nostalgia that lead you into moments of reflective compunction. Could you have done something different? Could they have done something different?

All the while knowing the answers here are no.

“To be nobody but yourself in a world which is doing its best, night and day, to make you everybody else means to fight the hardest battle which any human being can fight; and never stop fighting.” ~ E.E. Cummings

Life is an ever flowing river of change. There are moments when you are flowing along to find yourself romantically emptied into a comforting pool of stillness and beauty. Your luck seems overwhelming in this pool of happiness. You begin to blockade yourself into that pool without even knowing it. You get so comfortable, you don't want any change and every ripple or new drop that enters threatens the very thing you love.

By blocking yourself in and blocking the change out you create stagnation in the pool - assured death of all you love. The beauty begins to become lost, not only for you, yet also for others whom love your pool.

Eventually you have to open yourself back up to the stream and take with you all of the beauty and wisdom you have gained. Find how to ride the waves again. Crash against the shore a couple of times. See the whole world and all the beauty it possesses. Stop and learn some more. Love some more. Rest.

Poetic tangent over. I think my drift is gotten. *smirk*

This is where I am at. Finally. Out of the "denial/anger/why is this happening to me and why does everyone hate me" stage and into the "acceptance/lets go with it and see where it takes me" stage. Completely uncomfortable and confused as to where things are going. Just accepting that they are going ... going .... going ...


what is love

Thu, Mar. 1st, 2012 12:16
tigrissky: Tiger in Green Sea (Hobbes Heart)
Ben Nichols of Lucero

Where the sunlight stops, my heart begins.

Things. How have "things" been? The simple answer is of course fine. Yet what does fine mean anyway?

A few nights ago I had a dream in which Ben Nichols, (pictured above), the lead singer of Lucero, was the star. It was a strangely revealing dream for me. I was, dressed in rock-a-billy-pin-up fashion, at one of his shows. I had drank too much whiskey and was slurring along to his songs leaning against the front of the stage. Afterwards I went into the bar, but this time I wasn't waiting around to get an opportunity to chat with him. This time he came to me. He smiled, his coy smile, and in that deep gravely voice of his said, "what are you doing after all this dies down?"

Well what did I say? )

The two most significant pieces I found in these dreams were:

1) It is obvious my relationship with my Baby is serious and deep in my heart. That obnoxious
perfectness I feel is true and the light-foot my heart dances with right now is real and true.

2) Over the past three years, my strong need to figure out how sex fits in my life drove me slowly closer and closer to finding my hearts path is monogamy. With this discovery my heart is no longer weighing heavy questions of its logic upon me. Sex is sacred and a form of love, yes. Yet, I finally understand that my deep love with someone has nothing to do with having sexual intimacy with them. My Baby and I share some of the most intimate moments totally clothed, cuddled on a couch, watching Battlestar Galactica!

In fact sex, while being so fucking amazing and mind-blowing with my Baby (a whole other post entirely!), is not something that is top priority in us being together. As well, sex is not a priority in love. It is an amazing feeling to understand that about the love I offer. The gift of my true deep love, does not equate with "fucking" as much as I use to think it did. I am still working out how I show that love exists and how I gift it to others - yet, sex is not it. I finally, understand that and in ways I cannot properly describe, monogamy has become so utterly beautiful to me. Sex has become something I just want to share with one person and in doing that, I finally understand, I am not limiting my ability to share my love with others.

Not one little bit.

tigrissky: Tiger in Green Sea (Hobbes Heart)
"I celebrate a secular holiday about family and the spirit of giving. I call it Christmas – the federally-recognized holiday occurring on December 25th. It confuses some people because a Christian holiday has the same name. But as you know, winter celebrations have changed over time (evolved, if you will). From Saturnalia to Solstice, Christ’s Mass to today’s secular Christmas, we’ve seen it happen. And we can take it further." -Jesse Galef

"And that, it seems to me, is the heart of the holidays: they are ritualized reminders that none of us are islands, and that no matter how many people surround us, we’re only at our best when we allow some of them to be part of us." -David DiSalvo


The writing is returning. With the light maybe? I don't know. I'm just glad it is here.

Had a wonderful Xmas eve with close friends. When I sit in the company of them I feel the blessings of the world upon me and it is so simple and wonderful. I am loved, without question, completely, for me. All of me. The flaws and the beauty combined. There is no greater gift than that. No greater experience than that. And that is my job this year, as I spend it with Aphrodite, to learn to be me and be loved no matter what. I digress though, more on Aphrodite later, I have so much to share about her lessons! Thinking of hosting a seminar about it in April, Aphrodite's month, so stay tuned for more info on that possibility!


"Celebration is essential to a life, but it is celebration that embraces both joy and tragedy. Authentic celebration does not deny the evils of life, but places them in the context of the preciousness of life and, among people of faith, the reality of God’s care for those who feel pain and suffer injustice." ~Bruce Epperly

“At the heart of the nature of things, there are always the dream of youth and the harvest of tragedy. The Adventure of the Universe starts with the dream and reaps tragic Beauty." ~Alfred White North Whitehead


Life, it is a changing and I am, for the first time in a long time, able to step outside of my worries and look in at my life and say, "wow, what a celebration!" Yes, I am scared and confused as to where I am going and what will be happening within my life, however, I also recognize that I am one of the lucky few right now. I have the ability to search for more and grow during a time when most people are just happy to have a paycheck and stay stuck wherever they are. I have friends that love and support me no matter what. I can afford a nice place to live and am not suffering for food, heat or electricity.

Simply put, I really like my job. I really like my place. I really love my friends. Amen.

So why the worry? Simple as well. Things have to change or I will sink so far into the debt of my student loans that I will never be able to get out. It has been ten years since I have gotten out of school. Ten years in which making minimum payments on my student loans has produced two very negative results: 1)I have made payments of nearly three to four hundred dollars monthly that may as well be considered me taking some cash out and lighting it on fire as each payment has equated to 2) my student loans increasing by twenty thousand dollars in the past ten years. Yes, you heard me correctly, I know owe twenty thousand more than I did when I graduated and my payments make zero impact on the outcome of this. I have to pay more or I will owe nearly one hundred thousand dollars for a piece of paper I never use. My degree is in advertising and marketing, I have never done anything with it at all. In fact, ever job I have had since college I could have done without ever getting a degree. I admit that degree got me in the door, but that money I am spending on a piece of paper ... well, um, WASTED!

Right now, if I can put the majority of my paycheck towards my student loans I could have this paid off in just over two years. If I can get a slight raise and then put the majority of my paycheck towards my student loans I could have it paid off in perhaps one and a half years. If I just increase my payments by about five hundred a month, I could stay in the exact situation I am and just be abso-fucking-lutely broke for four years while I pay it off, unless I can find a significantly cheaper place in the long run. And, by cheaper I mean overall. It is not worth it for me to pay less rent but be forced to drive or ride the max/bus to work daily either. The added cost that puts out there equates to me just staying here and walking everywhere. So ... these are my dilemmas, this is where my confusion lays. What do I do? What do I do? (Rhetorical, unless you are offering to pay this shit off for me! Then hit me up!)



Having a hard time just letting myself be in love and that is for only one reason; my friends. Sounds pathetic eh? Can't help it. I see and feel the different treatment given to me when I'm in a relationship and it brings me back to a place I don't want to go. I sit in their presence hoping to still be accepted, smiling, hoping to not upset anyone even though I know that no matter what it all just implodes. I look around me and realize it doesn't matter what I do, they do not want me to change, they do not want to have to give up any part of me to someone else ...

Can I blame them for how they feel?


It doesn't hurt any less though. Especially in the moment where I recognized the gregarious feeling that I ruined so much previously by the very act of just being in a relationship. This was well before anyone new my relationship was bad, it was just the act of me being in a relationship that, I am told, ruined it.

That knowledge is a crushing blow to my heart.

This isn't everything I am though.

So, without all the drawn out details I have to let this need go and, if I lose friends because of who I am, well, why should friendship be the only place in where I am willing to compromise who I am to be accepted? I do it no where else and I need to stop doing it here as well.

Those friends, who love me unconditionally, they will still be here as always and, in any relationship, isn't it this the love that matters?

Aphrodite & Eros


Recently, I wrote the following in one of my paper journals.

Aphrodite is one of those Gods in which we must start and/or circle round to. She is love, yes, but not romantic love as we all hold her idolization up with. No, Aphrodite is not romantic love in the least, she, instead, is self love, self worth and self value. Anyone who has truly stopped to try and find the love of Aphrodite's mythos will recognize these values of self appreciation being the point, lesson or moral to her tales.

We do not learn from her romance, as we do from Eros. Aphrodite instead shows us what it is like to search for romance, to experience love in many forms and to build from all these experiences our ideal of romance and in turn what romantic love means to us.

She also shows us what it means to find the "Diva" within ourselves; for there is no other representative Venus Goddess who touts and flaunts her self-worth like Aphrodite does. When we, on those rare occasions, look in the mirror and think "god damn I look hot and no one can top this." We are in touch with the archetype of the Venus Godesses that is Aphrodite.

When we feel slighted and hurt that we are not getting the attention we desire. When jealousy overwhelms. When we can't believe someone would see us in such a negative light. When someone we find completely opposite compares them self to us and we feel offense. When we are willing to give into our needs to be desired and wanted maybe seemingly with no thought to the costly toll it may weigh down upon us. When we judge an others love and the relationship they are in. This is Aphrodite.

As well, Aphrodite is the love we find for our own self. Our ability to rise from the ashes of love lost, in any form, and again love ourselves, even if it is only enough to eek by at first. She is our hopeful ideals on how others see us. She is the reason we spend that extra time curling our hair or putting on that makeup. She is our inspiration to better ourselves and become what it is we want to present to the world as well as our own heart.

In my opinion, Aphrodite is the most close to the ideal of 'human' any of the God archetypes have ever achieved. Unlike so many Gods she is no hero, but we love and understand her anyway. Despite all her faults and because of all her good we love her. And it is this unconditional love of a Goddess, who in all counts is humanity, that we should learn to embrace.

To love all unconditionally, especially ourselves, that is the gift of Aphrodite's lessons and more so the gift of the human condition.

I truly do love you all! May this new year bring you the ability to love and be loved unconditionally.



Sun, Feb. 7th, 2010 22:23
tigrissky: Tiger in Green Sea (Default)
As I sit with $50 in my account to last me til the end of the month I begin to wonder if I can be this disciplined all the time. It means doing a lot less and being stuck with stuff in this house or at the gym to fulfill my spare time but the rewards of what I get to do otherwise are bigger.

It sucks not being able to be with my friends like I use to but then again it seems like the dynamics of our community have been changing drastically on their own and it has nothing to do with me. It is silly to think things will last forever just because they are so good. I miss what we had and at the same time my connection and feelings for everyone haven't changed a bit. It reminds me of the loss of playing GW with Turtle and my online pagan friends. I still feel exactly the same about all of them and we rarely get to chat anymore.

I suppose it is good that I am filling up my free time with the gym. It cant hurt things. I also started editing my Nano Novel and am already past 52,000 words and only 28 pages into my editing. Making each paragraph readable right now. On my second round of editing I may end up rearranging and adding to it. Then one more round of making each paragraph readable and who knows where it will go from there.

Been feeling myself lost in the music again. I want to write. I need to start dedicating some of my free time to that task. Maybe find some sort of writing group or class or something.

I need to stop babbling now, here is what has been on repeat all day today. How many opportunities have I missed by not saying it? How many opportunities have missed me by not saying it in my direction?


Just Say Yes
~Snow Patrol~

I'm running out of ways to make you see
I want you to stay here beside me
I won't be ok and I won't pretend I am
So just tell me today and
Take my hand
Please take my hand
Please take my hand
Please take my hand
Please take my hand

Just say yes
Just say there's nothing holding you back
It's not a test
Nor a trick of the mind
Only love

It's so simple and you know it is
You know it is
We can't be to and fro like this
All our lives
You're the only way to me
The path is clear
What do I have to say to you
For Gods sake dear
For Gods sake dear
For Gods sake dear
For Gods sake dear
For Gods sake dear

Just say yes
Just say there's nothing holding you back
It's not a test
Nor a trick of the mind
Only love

Just say yes
Coz Im aching and I know you are too
For the touch
Of your warm skin as I breathe you in

I can feel your heart beat through my shirt
This was all I wanted, all I want
Its all I want
Its all I want
Its all I want
Its all I want

Just say yes
Just say there's nothing holding you back
It's not a test
Nor a trick of the mind
Only love

Just say yes
Coz Im aching and I know you are too
For the touch
Of your warm skin as I breathe you in

given so much

Sat, Dec. 26th, 2009 13:43
tigrissky: Tiger in Green Sea (Sunshine Heart)
"Christmas 1963"
Joseph Enzweiler

Because we wanted much that year
and had little. Because the winter phone
for days stayed silent that would call
our father back to work, and he
kept silent too with our mother,
fearfully proud before us.

Because I was young that morning
in gray light untouched on the rug
and our gifts were so few, propped
along the furniture, for a second
my heart fell, then saw how large
they made the spaces between them

to take the place of less. Because
the curtained sun rose brightly
on our discarded paper and the things
themselves, these forty years,
have grown too small to see, the emptiness
measured out remains the gift,

fills the whole room now, that whole year
out across the snowy lawn. Because
a drop of shame burned quietly
in the province of love. Because
we had little that year
and were given much.


Me posing with my Xmas Gift '09

Working up to Xmas this year I spent a lot of time at home alone until late in the evening while Santa stayed at his shop working with his elves to make my gift. When the finished piece was brought home I was pleasantly surprised! The Bastard had spent many late nights hours toiling over making the gift and in the end it was beyond perfect.

The mirrors themselves I have bought to hang on the wall so I could practice belly dancing in front of them. The Bastard took them to his shop in the disguise that he was trying to figure out a way to hang them. This made perfect sense because they did not come with any hanging devices and we live in a 100 year old house with plaster walls. Soon after he began working on my present as well and so I didn't really bug him about not getting the mirrors home sooner.

The morning of I was really surprised by them! They are just beautiful. As you can see the in the picture he made three custom panels that would fold to create stability and allow the mirrors to stand. He used oak for these panels. He also cut out the three lentil pieces from oak and carved in the Triple Moon symbol. He also found the most beautiful blue tiles with gold inlay running through them to add to each panel at the bottom. He also added these larger beautiful white tiles with different symbols inlayed on them. He was unaware but the middle tile pieces are inlayed with the Star of Innana. My star as I call it. It is the tattoo I have on the back of my neck. He had left some sanding and to stain it a deep blue, but other than that he is finished and it is just beautiful. I was surprised and overwhelmed and so happy with this gift. So much thought goes into the things he does for me I just am so unuse to this kind of treatment and admittedly I do a horrible job reacting to it. I hope the Bastard knows how much I love this gift.

Me kissing Santa for my gift

As if that wasn't enough though the Bastard then proceeded to give me a Xmas card and when I opened it up there was an image I am actually familiar with printed out and taped inside:

One of my favorite bands, Snow Patrol, who are from Ireland, have started (what is soon to be a tradition for them) a concert series in Bangor Ireland's Ward Park. Playing to a general admission crowd of 30,000 the first time '07 and now making a return performance June 5 '10 and we are going to the show!

Yes, thats right, going to Ireland to watch Snow Patrol in Bangor at Ward Park on June 5th! WOOHOO!

We are going to go for 2 weeks starting May 29th returning June 12th. I cannot fucking wait. I got a $50 gift card to Powell's and will head there today to get some books and maps on Ireland. We are going to start planning now and it just so happens that the Bastard's gift was a Garmin Nuvi255 GPS System that has International capabilities that we can map out or trip on. He is playing with that right now.

Ive been itching to travel and its like the Universe hears me loud and clear lately.

Have I forgotten to mention how excited I am!? So fucking excited!!!

tigrissky: Tiger in Green Sea (Sunshine Heart)
I went with the Bastard last night to watch my first Snow Patrol concert.

My life goes through phases, as does everyones, and I have come to realize that my phases seem to come with their own soundtrack. There was a time, before I headed to New York, right around Samhain in Massachusetts when my soundtrack began a new rotation; slowly replacing Lucero with Snow Patrol.

While in Salem, during this soundtrack change and in honor of the strength I found through my connecting to the energy of Inanna I got this tattoo:

Star of Innana by Steve Gillespie of Witch City Ink completed 10-30-08

It is the 8 pointed Star of Inanna, also called a Rosetta. Inanna, as I have come to understand her, is a representation of an "All" Goddess. Being that she encompasses the energies of all Goddess that are now split into many. Thus she is one of the Great Goddesses and the oldest documented Goddess; as in one of the first written about Goddesses as it was her people, the Mesopotamians, that created writing.

Associating myself with Inanna energies was a natural progression of my growth and maturity in my understanding of myself and the cycles of life which we all go through.

I started my journey connected to Pallas Athene; the warrior Goddess, focused on logic, strength and creativity. When I became Queen I was forced to open myself up to the energies of Psyche; the watery goddess, focused on understanding love, compassion and the emotional human soul. That was hard for me, I had always surpressed and controlled having any emotions as emotions were weakness and pointless for survival and choices in life.

It makes sense that I would follow up these two very opposite Goddess energies by connecting to one that encompasses them both. Inanna, the Great Goddess, is most associated with the energies of love (psyche), war (athena) and fertility (the All) and even though she is linked to fertility she is not a mother Goddess (and I can never be a mother). She combines the elements of the energies I have connected to in my life; whom I have become so far.

The 8 pointed star, her symbol is for me then a representation of understanding the balance of the whole, which is not just simply being in the middle and having things weigh evenly. It is the chaos which is life, it is magic, it is water, it is fire, it is air, it is earth, it is creation and destruction, it is the All. Where all things begin, where all things return.

The 8 pointed star itself is a Gnostic symbol, known as the octagram of creation. It is related to the planet Venus. It is used to invoke magick and also is a protecting ideogram. It is also a Chaosphere. Chaospheres have 8 points - order 90 degrees and chaos 45 degrees; life and death as a whole.

While sitting through the opening band, The Plain White T's, at the concert for the new soundtrack of my life, Snow Patrol, I had this overwhelming feeling that no matter how chaotic the moment and how much I felt I just shouldn't have come, I needed to be there, something about this was important, there was a reason for it, sit back, shut everything out and watch and listen.

The opening act finished up, the lights came up, they began unloading the stage and uncovering Snow Patrol's instruments. I love drums, want to know how to play them, so I always check out the drums with a strange sense of anticipation and as they uncovered the drum set for Snow Patrol I gasped!, the bass kick drum head was black with a red star of Inanna on it! I stared and counted the points several times to ensure I wasnt just seeing things and then I leaned over to the Bastard and said, "thats my star."

The Bastard immediately asked if the star was associatd to anything else. I noted it's also a nautical symbol, but it wasnt sitting in a manner that it represented a nautical compass at all. I decided to stop talking about it with him at that point as I wanted to focus on the fact that the exact same star tattooed on my neck and hanging from a chain around it as well was there in front of me in red, the color I represented for Fall; Geburah, on drums; the instrument I love the most. Combine all this with the weird feeling that I just had to be here, had to be at this show, well, what the hell was this all about?

I suddenly went in a million directions, analyzing, wondering why they chose that design. I was excited for the show and all I could think about was going home and researching the star and Snow Patrol's choice and connection to it.

Snow Patrol then proceded to start their set off with "If There's A Rocket Tie Me To It". This song has been presented a few times in my journal recently as it has struck a chord with me. I closed my eyes and just let myself connect to the song, I opened my eyes smiling finally and started singing along.

The whole night was like this, I knew all the words to every song and Snow Patrols frontman Gary Lightbody provided witty banter with the audience that made you feel appreciated, welcomed and desired. I can honestly say that even if I didnt know a damn thing about Snow Patrol I would have had an amazing time.

The show ended, they did their obligatory goodbyes and, as is the norm, we fans stood in the dark staring at the stage clapping and cheering for an encore. We got one and at the same time I think I got my answer about the Star of Innana.

The encore started with a Star Wars esque intro rolling across the big background stage screen announcing they would be playing their 16 minute long triple song combination entitled "The Lightening Strike". This is yet another of their songs I have been trying to decipher meaning to in my life.

Following the screened announcement the music began to play and in the center of the screen floated the Red Star of Inanna. The music played, and as if it was on a string the orgami star spun slowly and as the music intensified it began to disburse pieces of color, other orgami stars, rosettas and shapes came wheeling out of it.

Soon the words to the first song of the triplicity, ("what if this storm ends"), were being sung and the star unfolded and burst forth in a spiral, spinning into and out of itself, with its little orgami shapes infusing it.
a hundred million suns - the images of inanana stars utulized by Snow Patrol

Soon enough it spun into the symbol of infinity and as the song neared ending it had opened up to show all the oragami pieces floating on the screen and the Universe as we know it was hanging there.

Then the second song of the triplicity, ("the sunlight through the flags") started and the orgami shapes on the screen became the planets as we know it; space, and the camera angle floated through orgami space, ships, stations, satelites, planets and a hundred million suns (stars), leading to the sun. As it reached the sun the stage was filled with bright yellow light as the orgami sun stood bright on the screen in the background.

As the third song in the triplicity, ("daybreak") started the view moved through to the orgami earth falling upon the planet and following the lyrics exploritarly showing people and places.

The whole piece ended as the focus fell into the bottom of the ocean and returned back into the Star it had started from.

For me the message was unmistakeable; I just got it and so many weird conicidences collided into one and there was a whole new door waiting at the end.

I told the Bastard what I thought of the connection to the star. How the Star of Inanna is representative of the Goddess herself, the source of all life and to where we all return, like mother nature. He said something along the lines of, "it means that to you but to others maybe its just a snowflake and a bunch of oragami. It's all up to each person to decide what it means to them."

Can't disagree with him, it still hurt though.

I stopped talking and just kept thinking about the whole night in my head. Realizations of so many other connections floating in and out of it. It was as if a confirmation was granted me and at the same time a whole new puzzle was placed at my feet all at the same time.

This video is a live version from Snow Patrol's performance of this same encore of "The Lightening Strike" in Dublin, Ireland. It is only the first song but it will give a better idea of what I was doing a very inadequate job of describing.

There is so much more to explore now and I dont find it funny that it is happening at the same time as my first inniation into priestesshood is about to begin.

tigrissky: Tiger in Green Sea (starbuck)
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There is something about this song that opens a million doors inside my mind. A hundred million suns flashing about me as I dance in the mysteries the song answers to the questions we should be asking.

Im not afraid of anything, even time
It will eke away at everything, will be fine

Ive been daydreaming again about going overseas. My need to experience so much more than this little port can offer is breaking my heart. That doorway to the unknown is begging to be open as I stand in front of it being responsible. I have too much material holding me down. I need to throw off this anchor so I can run. I just wish I knew what it was made of, will I lose my heart, will I lose my mind, do I have to sell my soul?

Tell me that you want to dance
I want to feel your pulse on mine
Treat me like a stolen glance...to yourself

Oh how I want to dance, from hilltop to cityscape to the sea and the ocean great. I want to know it all, feel it all, wrap myself around it and fill myself with it like a lover. I want to kiss lips on foreign shores, chance encounters made from stolen glances. A sip of the finest local life that can be offered. Like Dracula drinking it all in and feeling my power grow.

A dark shape on a Golden floor
A sleeping planet with a molten core

Eruption, melting, the darkness of the soul removed. Eyes open, eyes shut, eyes open again in pure childish amazement at all that is and is not. Understanding and confusion filling the heart of curiosity as she lives life on the whim of a razor blade wire.

Im not afraid of anything, even time
It will eke away at everything, will be fine

Dont get me wrong, I love all I have and I dont want to lose what I know, I just want so much more. My crazy heart is boiling, do I listen to it?



Wed, Aug. 5th, 2009 14:20
tigrissky: Tiger in Green Sea (Default)
This post started out being a submission to the newest Note Meets Letter Challenge, it became to personal for that. I think you can find the moment it stopped being a story and started being a catharsis.

The names have no longer been changed to protect anyones heart....


drink me )

p.s. I figured out why that song has been on repeat...
tigrissky: Tiger in Green Sea (Default)
Why is this song repeating itself for me lately? Someone tell me because I cant seem to figure anything out anymore...

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If There's A Rocket Tie Me To It
~Snow Patrol~

Two weeks later like a surplus reprieve
I found a hair the length of yours on my sleeve
I wound it round and round my finger so tight
It turned to purple and a pulse formed inside

And I knew the beat 'cause it matched your own beat
I still remember it from our chest to chest and feet to feet
The easy silence then was a sweet relief to this hush
Of ovens, aeroplanes and of distant car horns

A fire a fire, you can only take what you can carry
A pulse your pulse, it's the only thing I can remember
I break you don't, I was always set to self-destruct though
The fire the fire, it cracks and barks like primal music

I said I knew the beat 'cause it matched your own beat
It's become my engine my own source of heat
The sea between us only amplifies the sound waves
Every hum and echo and crash paints my cave

A fire a fire, you can only take what you can carry
A pulse your pulse, it's the only thing I can remember
I break you don't, I was always set to self-destruct though
The fire the fire, it cracks and barks like primal music

A fire a fire, you can only take what you can carry
A pulse your pulse, it's the only thing I can remember
I break you don't, I was always set to self-destruct though
The fire the fire, it cracks and barks like primal music

(no subject)

Tue, May. 12th, 2009 21:41
tigrissky: Tiger in Green Sea (Impossible Lov3)
You can be happy, as happy as you want to be, constantly. Yet it doesnt mean a thing. There is something about life you cant erase: emotional fluctutation.

Im kind of babbling now as I wonder where I am at and what I feel. Is it happy or just something hidden under the surface?

I scroll through my journal, page after page of writing, writing, writing. How can one person write so much. After 30 years on this planet I am still questioning who I am every day.

Life is wonder.

It amazes me we all get along so well. Yes, to me, with our wonder and insecurity of who we are, killing each other makes more sense. It certainly is harder to love, to forgive, to let go.

We hold on to little joys; Lucero concerts, kisses from cute empty boys. Our wants are built upon such trivial things as a favorite color or an untied shoe string. Heaven forbid someone come along and tie your shoe for you.

I guess maybe Im just babbling because I havent done it in so long. I feel like I havent sat alone, empty, listening to just me in so long. Maybe Im forgeting my own voice...

Come on Mr. Darcy, wake the fuck up, the signal fire is burning bright and here inside me you sit, cold. Sometimes its good to be alone, sometimes its best to warm yourself by the fire.
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tigrissky: Tiger in Green Sea (Default)
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"The Planets Bend Between Us"
Snow Patrol

The winters marked the Earth
It's floored with frozen glass
You slip into my arms
And you quickly correct yourself
Your freezing speech bubbles
Seem to hold your words aloft
I want the smokey clouds of laughter
To swim about me forever more

I will race you to the waterside
And from the edge of Ireland shout out loud
So they could hear it in America
It's all for you

The shells crack under our shoes
Like punctuation points
The planets bend between us
A hundred million suns and stars
The sea filled in this silence
Before you sank those words
And now even in the darkness
I can see how happy you are

I will race you to the waterside
And from the edge of Ireland shout out loud
So they could hear it in a America
It's all for you


I am a randomn sort of girl. A fly by the seat of my pants see where life takes me and plan to enjoy the ride. I have more music than I could listen to in a day on my MP3 Player (and three times that much on my computer) and my typical choice is to push the randomn button and let the Universe have it's way with my ears. Lately the Universe, or maybe my heart, have chosen for me to listen to Snow Patrol often. It does not feel to randomn when the same song that was playing when you left the house plays on your walk to work and then plays before you head to bed that night. That song for the past couple weeks has been "The Planets Bend Between Us" by none other than Snow Patrol.

Is there something I should be getting...?