tigrissky: Tiger in Green Sea (Marilyn Monroe Goddess)

The Magician. The High Priestess. The Emperor. The Hermit. The Devil. The Tower. The Chariot. The Lovers. All spoke loudly to me this weekend as I journeyed through the major arcana of Ms. LaVielle's explanation. It was a powerful journey which started with a powerfully foolish question. A question that found many answers during this years sunfest celebration; both inside and outside of ritual.

The Emperor seemed to bring the loudest message. So much so I requested a copy of the words from the Grecian who embodied him; Big Daddy himself. I was truly caught off guard at my reaction and connection to this particular tarot card as I have always shrugged The Emperor off otherwise. It is a card that simply never held much influence when I came across it in readings or selection of decks to work with. Not for lack of knowledge of it's importance, yet simply because I am so deeply in touch with and directed by masculine energy. So much so I could find nothing to learn from it. I live the part, so much so people who interact with me are often put off by my detachment to emotion and overtly logical focus on truth and scientific reductionism. (Cumberbatch's portrayal of Sherlock Holmes provides an example of such persona.)

As Big Daddy spoke, I was taken aback in my connection to his words. To put it simply, I have always understood the energy of that card so well that I never spent time with it. Yet here it was, telling me to look at it, to think about it, to recognize how exactly it was I utilized it to manifest my life. It wasn't the masculine energy in my life, my father and other male relatives or the male relationships both romantic and non that were the point. It was instead my relating, my perception, my use of the power of the masculine that was the point.

I have not felt myself in a long time, I have lost my ability to simply be comfortable in being me. Yet I am still here, still me, still manifesting positive change and growth. I have not lost me, I have just been trapped trying to figure out who I am now ... now that everything has changed.

I do not have the answer yet, I simply know it is the message of the Emperor, Big Daddy, that will lead me to discovery.

tigrissky: Tiger in Green Sea (starbuck)

Troutlake Abbey - Washington

This summer solstice I journeyed into the new. A stranger, in a strange land. A place in which I truly knew only one other well and a handful few acquaintances. The rest of the lot were complete strangers.

I needed the anonymity. It allowed me the ability to just be me; to not have to worry about the displeasure I could bring to someone else in simply doing so. To not have to worry about the preconceived notions of who I am, and how I am, foreshadowing my interactions with others.

This anonymity gave me the ability to just be present in the moment and appreciate the sacred space in which I found myself.

Find myself I did, in moments, here and there.

Forget myself I did, in moments, here and there.

Mostly though, I simply reveled in being welcomed and included without question of motives, intent, or whom said what about whom and what side am I on in all of societies battles.

I'm not included enough to even know the sides anymore.

Of which I am glad as it has allowed me to reconnect with the core of who I am. The honor of which was getting lost in the ideal of twisting myself into a pretzel of acceptance that could keep everything that was falling apart together. As if it was my responsibility to do so. More importantly, as if I had the power to keep it all together, when none of it had anything to do with me.

There I go again, thinking I am so important, so needed, such an integral center piece. Someone so important to all that happens that without me twisting myself in just the right way everything would simply fall apart. That if things were not "okay" again I was somehow responsible.


Everything will be okay with or without me.

It always is.

It always has been.

It always will be.

I am insignificant.

I just never imagined a time without me.

Hell, does anyone?

This solstice brought to my forefront the weariness of consistently having to prove my worth/value. It is physically and mentally tiring, as well as grating on ones self esteem. Regardless of if it was requested or self-inflicted it sucks and I came to recognize I have nothing to prove accept to myself.

I sat completely by myself at ritual. I witnessed and experienced my singularity and found comfort in knowing I am one who can survive and thrive as such a singularity.

As the wicker man burned I felt released from proving myself and in the same turn felt awakened to the acceptance of self.

It isn't loss, it is physics.

I hope the physics of my gratitude grant my orbit a continued presence in the solar system it has grown within. I accept if it does not and appreciate it's gift in my life.



tigrissky: Tiger in Green Sea (Default)

March 2017

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