It Doesn't Matter Where, Just Drive
by Snow Patro
This is a song that, once recorded, Gary Lightbody never played again. It is about the loss of his child in utero.
I found this song shortly after losing the baby. I didn't really connect to it as much then, as the loss was new, and it all felt too surreal to imagine how it fit. As well, I was certain I could just try again and get it right next time.
With time I would learn that to not be the case.
Once I lost Thomas though, well this song just broke my heart and became a constant for me. Because all the thoughts in this song they just ... for me they just apply to him ... he was real -- more real than the loss of the baby I was barely carrying in my Fallopian tube, more real than the baby I can never have myself. I have experienced the reality of being his Mom, of being a mom - and yet at the same time that reality was always an illusion.
For me, the only part of this song that doesn't fit is that, "the families all gather round," line. No one gathered round me when I lost the baby. No one gathered round me when I lost Thomas. In fact, my family made me feel like shit about it, as if I had chosen my religion over my husband and son. There was no comfort for me, only blame.
Still, some days I wonder if they were right.
As for my friends, well, the only two I had were busy with their own lives and my recent loss of pretty much everything, moving into my first place and being absolutely alone there, well, it was not a priority and could not be for whatever reasons. I don't place blame, it just is how it was at the time.
The distraction of Queendom and a community of strangers needing me, strangers that made me feel loved being just who I am, no questions, got me through a lot of things during that time.
Now however, even that is changing for me.
I question our human desire to be seen. To be known. To be accepted and understood, to be a part of something larger than ourselves, as I stand on a dividing precipice and wonder ...Is there really anything larger than self
I'm hurting a lot right now and, as per my norm, I feel as if I am not allowed to be. As if everyone else is more important than me.
To end this hurt, I must let go the anxiety I hold in regards to the possibility of yet even more of my connections being severed because of who and how I am as a person. In short, I must allow myself to be me and that means I must love me, not constantly worry about the me I am being and if the me I am is accepted or rejected anymore.
I must be okay with the fact that I just don't fit anymore. So I am.
"I don't fit anymore!" Woohoo!
While at the same time I know I still "gotta little space to fill
." I am still loved, people still enjoy having me around, and that is the part I am truly grateful for. I will most likely always hope that someday, things will change, and I can have the closeness, the support, the connection, and the importance in community again. Yet for now, rather than focus on the loss, I am focusing on what I still have because what I still have is beautiful.
I still have me. I am still loved. Yes, "I still gotta little space to fill
So it is I start focusing on that space. I become okay in alone again. It isn't a horrible place. It is simply the darkness of the Mother, of my self, of the upcoming season in which I will be born anew. Some of the steps I have taken, in just loving myself, with acceptance and assurance, are simply the signs of false labor ... my birth is coming.
So it is I return to the Gypsy, that I was, that I am, that will always remain my naked flame.