tigrissky: Tiger in Green Sea (Marilyn Monroe Goddess)
the return
by TigrisSky ©October 20, 2015

running through the red
empty veins become
chasms of canyon land

where the water use to flow
before it all got so heated
during that winter parade

of passionate answers
to cries never spoken
a demon

stration of how
easy it is to be
replaced

pass
her
bye

close my eyes
wonder why
anything and everything

has come
and gone

and gone
and come

again
impossible

a canyon gutted heart
lay tranquilly exposed
to the flood

of polar ice caps
melting under the sun
of this climate change

an empty sky
holds tight
the circling bird of prey

whose wings hold aloft
the dreams of someday
that comes

today
and leaves
tomorrow

flying south for the summer
flying north for the winter

stuck east or west
of forever

is a dream
only humanity
could hold on to


You

Thu, Oct. 13th, 2016 09:06
tigrissky: Tiger in Green Sea (Marilyn Monroe Goddess)
There are moments of wailing misery that haunt every day, every heart beat, from that moment forward. Moments where the whiskey makes any sideways glance a miracle of chance. That maybe, just maybe, you can forget it all ... with a song.

Making believe you dance in the sun.

Doesn't mean anything to anyone.

Until one day it does.

So you can keep waiting or push on.

And on.

And on.

Yet still, there is that song. Expressing a desperation to find ... anything but this mistake and the next. That he thinks is about him and she thinks is about us and only he knows is about the one who had to be let go; or else.

Balance of the echelon could not be achieved in the matrix once Neo awoke.

So long ago laid to rest. No assumptive resurrection, just last words, and last chance. No longer time for my dance.

Just step aside, step aside. More important people to see.

You were never real to begin with, so just let go, it shouldn't be hard.

Except when it is.

Getting so use to falling; so far, so fast, the wind knocked right out of your sails. Cut to your smile, "That's a wrap," let's all move on.

Without you.

That is where it all starts.

Without you one can do nothing more than find ... you.

Without you one can do nothing more than desire ... you.

Without you the miracle of life is simply to live.

It's time to forgive.

It's time to forget.

You.

~TigressSky

tigrissky: Tiger in Green Sea (starbuck)

It Doesn't Matter Where, Just Drive by Snow Patrol

This is a song that, once recorded, Gary Lightbody never played again. It is about the loss of his child in utero.

I found this song shortly after losing the baby. I didn't really connect to it as much then, as the loss was new, and it all felt too surreal to imagine how it fit. As well, I was certain I could just try again and get it right next time.

With time I would learn that to not be the case.

Once I lost Thomas though, well this song just broke my heart and became a constant for me. Because all the thoughts in this song they just ... for me they just apply to him ... he was real -- more real than the loss of the baby I was barely carrying in my Fallopian tube, more real than the baby I can never have myself. I have experienced the reality of being his Mom, of being a mom - and yet at the same time that reality was always an illusion.

For me, the only part of this song that doesn't fit is that, "the families all gather round," line. No one gathered round me when I lost the baby. No one gathered round me when I lost Thomas. In fact, my family made me feel like shit about it, as if I had chosen my religion over my husband and son. There was no comfort for me, only blame.

Still, some days I wonder if they were right.

As for my friends, well, the only two I had were busy with their own lives and my recent loss of pretty much everything, moving into my first place and being absolutely alone there, well, it was not a priority and could not be for whatever reasons. I don't place blame, it just is how it was at the time.

Lonely.

The distraction of Queendom and a community of strangers needing me, strangers that made me feel loved being just who I am, no questions, got me through a lot of things during that time.

Now however, even that is changing for me.

I question our human desire to be seen. To be known. To be accepted and understood, to be a part of something larger than ourselves, as I stand on a dividing precipice and wonder ...

Is there really anything larger than self?

I'm hurting a lot right now and, as per my norm, I feel as if I am not allowed to be. As if everyone else is more important than me.

To end this hurt, I must let go the anxiety I hold in regards to the possibility of yet even more of my connections being severed because of who and how I am as a person. In short, I must allow myself to be me and that means I must love me, not constantly worry about the me I am being and if the me I am is accepted or rejected anymore.

self sufficient

I must be okay with the fact that I just don't fit anymore. So I am.

"I don't fit anymore!" Woohoo!

While at the same time I know I still "gotta little space to fill." I am still loved, people still enjoy having me around, and that is the part I am truly grateful for. I will most likely always hope that someday, things will change, and I can have the closeness, the support, the connection, and the importance in community again. Yet for now, rather than focus on the loss, I am focusing on what I still have because what I still have is beautiful.

I still have me. I am still loved. Yes, "I still gotta little space to fill."

So it is I start focusing on that space. I become okay in alone again. It isn't a horrible place. It is simply the darkness of the Mother, of my self, of the upcoming season in which I will be born anew. Some of the steps I have taken, in just loving myself, with acceptance and assurance, are simply the signs of false labor ... my birth is coming.

So it is I return to the Gypsy, that I was, that I am, that will always remain my naked flame.



~TigressSky~

Catch Up

Tue, Jan. 14th, 2014 17:57
tigrissky: Tiger in Green Sea (starbuck)
Life is ... change.

afraid-of-change

Pants is still on antibiotics and steroids. This makes 4 straight months. That cannot be healthy and is most likely fucking up her immune system in some way. Yet the alternative could be worse so, I go with this for now.

I met the Godfather. It was a strange moment and at the same time it wasn't. I mean, my whole life has been one strange moment after another. I don't say that with any jest. The things I have done, seen, and been exposed to are, to put it lightly, quite enigmatic.

So, deciding to call on a man I had not seen in approximately 27 years. A man whom I knew for all of about 6 months of my youthful life. Well, it's not the strangest thing I have decided to do in my life and I quickly learned I needed to do it -- for many reasons.

One of those reasons is very selfish: Thomas.

There is a piece of me that hopes he will want to have contact with me again. That he will know I did not abandon him. Heck, truth is, I hope I remain important to him and that he wants to know me still. A few months back he popped up on Facebook, he is in 9th grade now so I knew it wouldn't be long before I could find him there.

While writing this I got brave enough to send him a friend request. Blah! Maybe that is stupid, but it can't be any stupidier than the rest of the things I have done in my life.

Anyway ...

The Godfather also opened my eyes up to the fact my "miserable past" people like to help me focus on was not really that miserable for me. Yes, I went through shit storm, after shit storm, after shit storm, yet through it all I smiled. I found the good in people whom were pretty bad. I loved. I laughed. I challenged myself and learned so much about the world. Experiencing more adventure in my youth than most adults experience in their 20's. I have stories people wouldn't believe, been places many dream of, and met so many different kinds of people from all over the world. All before I was 16!

As well, someone finally reminded me how much my mother loved me. How much I meant to her. Her world was insane and she did the best she could within that insanity to show me love, to raise me, and to find her way as well. Yeah, she fucked up a lot along the way, I mean A FUCKING LOT, but she did the best she could.

It's strange how much my heart cracked and I felt love just pouring into and out of myself in that moment. A moment in which I felt allowed to love my mother again. Which was the same moment I felt allowed to love my past as well.

I've been exploring a lot of what makes me me. Discovering pieces of my past that equate to the present action and reaction I have to things. Some of it I want to recognize and work on changing as it comes from fear. Some of it I want to embrace and run with because it comes from a place of hope, love, and laughter.

It's so different when you can sit with someone who doesn't make you feel shame about your past. It feels like I have spent years being told how "bad" my childhood was, and how I should have never gone through all I did. "It's horrible! HORRIBLE I TELL YOU!"

All of that horrendousness being repeated makes it that much easier to judge the person I had become as bad, because bad begets bad right? I mean I grew up with a lot of "bad" people. We did a lot of "bad" things. Nothing was normal. No wonder I can't be anything but bad and weird.

Except that is all wrong.

It is good to be bad and weird. It is good to grow young and not cold.

Hence the song I am working on the hardest lately, because you may think you know how it feels to be me, but I guarantee you definitely don't.



~TigressSky~

Alone #5

Tue, Dec. 3rd, 2013 15:34
tigrissky: Tiger in Green Sea (starbuck)
Quick Update before I go into my rambling; Pants went in for surgery last Tuesday only to find out she can't really have surgery. Apparently she is just suffering from a severe infection of her salivary glands which means another 3 full weeks of strong as hell antibiotics and anti-inflammatories. Surgery on a salivary gland is a lot of work and can be dangerous. The doc did aspirate her and do some minor exploratory surgery checking everything carefully and there is definitely nothing lodged in her throat just infection. So I guess we lucked out there. In the week that has passed her neck seems perfectly normal again. I am hopeful when the medication stops, her neck stays the same. We shall see.

more me

Alone. I want to add the word again to that statement but, in truth, the correct addition is always.

It's how we start, it's how we end, it is the void in between. The void in which we are born and all our time is spent trying to fill the emptiness - people, places, things; the nouns we surround ourselves with. Often fooling ourselves into believing we have succeeded, always painfully aware there is no succeeding, no escaping; just lies that fill our inbetween.

Something strange is happening for me. Being ejected from the spotlight and told it is all my fault has torn me open in a much unexpected way.

For one, I have truly forgiven my mother ... there should be a long pause here, I wish I could put into words what all that means, but I myself still struggle to understand fully.

As well I struggle to forgive myself ... but that is another topic altogether. I am sure I may write about it, but who knows if I will share. I've stopped sharing much, it just gets used against me, makes me feel bad about who I am. Settling me deeper, ever deeper, into the void. Were I am lost wasting time trying to escape the alone again. The void, where so many sit grasping, practically begging, for connection to all the nouns one can surround them self with. The void where I find I am doing nothing more than lying to myself that if I can just be more, do more, prove more ... but ... there is no more.

So I just stop sharing and instead embrace.

Sitting closer to alone, holding it knowingly. Eventually Alone will be the dark cold arms in which we all lay our souls. Spending so much time running from it ... HA! what a joke.

In the end, if you cannot be happy with Alone, you will never be happy nor truly appreciate the nouns of which you naturally become surrounded. Don't spend your time in need of someone or something - instead spend it appreciating someone or something.

That is love.

That is a true connection with all you are and can become.

In intoxication I decorated my Christmas tree last night. Out of the literal hundreds of ornaments my mother and I had packed around our entire lives only three remain with me. The loss to me, of which is unexplainable, stings venomously every year and has done so for the past 15 years. One would expect it to get better, but there are some fantasies a child without a childhood cling to more desperately than others. I still believe in Santa.

A comedy dealing with loss knowingly provided the soundtrack for the evening. I pulled out the ornaments coated beautifully in the loss they have come to represent and yet, in the same coin toss, shining magnificently bright with all the happiness they held. Three of them come attached to a dead mother, all the rest come attached to a lost son, the yin-yang of yule. The return of the king. The death of a another. The end. The beginning ... of tears crawling out of the abyss I had lost them in. My lover embracing me.

Alone. Always.

I know those whom whisper darkly about me, the ways I fail - fail you, fail life, fail myself. Judgment ... just another way in which we can try to free ourselves from the Alone. The Alone is always, all ways, and All. It is that which we try and separate from life; grasping at nouns, shouting out abusive verbs, hiding behind the adjectives of a smile.

I love even as those dark words sneak their way to me and try and make me hate.

I love because I know. The darkness has always been and it cannot be used against me. 70% of the known Universe is darkness and from it springs the light and to it the light returns.

Stop trying to escape the alone and start embracing it -- recognize we are all saying, yelling, screaming at the top of our lungs the exact same thing, "Love me!"

Love me before the darkness calls me home.

~TigressSky~

*sigh*

Tue, Jun. 25th, 2013 16:02
tigrissky: Tiger in Green Sea (starbuck)
Mother Son Poses
The Only Thing
~TigressSky © June 24, 2013~

In a single moment
You disappear
This realm is emptied
Your presence is no more

In a single moment
You are smiling through
The windows of the past
Your presence is everywhere

Are these windows
Our immortality
As we become just a face
And lose our names

Collectors of the past
Picking through your photographed smile.
Will their wonder be enough
To revive you?


Maybe in this new life
You can be
Everything
You never were

Maybe in this new life
Your smile
Will never suffer
Lost moments in fear

Maybe in this new life
You will never
Be forced
To watch me go

Maybe in this new life
You will know
How my love for you
Has always been
The only thing
That haunts me

Everyday.

*sigh*

Thu, Apr. 19th, 2012 14:02
tigrissky: Tiger in Green Sea (3 of Swords)

Boo!
~TigressSky © April 19, 2012~

Nightmares?
I thought I had gotten past this.
Yet just the thought of you
Angry at me
For making a choice to leave
Kills my heart.

I never chose
To leave you.
I was told
I couldn't see you
Anymore.

Yet I sit awash in feelings of guilt
That I didn't scream
Fight
Cry
And die
Raging against them
And their false power
To see you
To keep you
From my life.

I just let them tell me
What I was
And wasn't
Allowed.

And I cried myself
Into fitful sleeps
For months on end
Until
Eventually
One night
The tears didn't come.

Yet even without tears
I think about you
With each inhale
Of life I take
And I am certain
When the breath stops
You will still be
The one thing
I keep with me
Always.

And I will never breath
Without gasping deep into my lungs
The drowning guilt
Of not fighting harder
Nor will I escape
The nightmares
Developed purely from
The fearful belief
In your anger
Towards me
For a choice I couldn't control
And a love lost
That I can never let go.
tigrissky: Tiger in Green Sea (Drowning)
So my Dad sent an email request for some photos to put in an electronic picture frame for my grandma. She is in an Adult Foster Care Home and is mentaly barely there most of the time. Somedays are better than others.

Well, I have always been the one to take photos in our family so of course I had quite a few he wanted to see. Thats quite a few from the past. A past that is purposefully put on CD-Roms so they would stopp popping up on my computer screen saver.

Ill cut the drama of this short, thousands of pictures of Thomas.

I hate you right now Universe. H - A - T - E !



~TigressSky~
tigrissky: Tiger in Green Sea (Savitri)
When I woke up yesterday I had a major headache and I hadnt even drank a drop after going out "clubbing" for a friends 21st birthday. I really enjoyed myself even without the drinking; I may not drink at all anymore. We shall see.

Anyway, the headache from hell was with me Samhain morning and after eating breakfast with friends and seeing them off I laid back down to try and sleep the pain away. Thats when the dream came, at first I wasnt going to write about it but I want to remember it so Im writing about what I remember.

It was the day of the big Yule party I have planned. The house was set up with a lot of tables and somehow we had put all the couches away and just made room for everyone.

I went to the store or somewhere for something and when I got back I came in through the back door, which is not something I normally do. When I walked in there was my ex-Corey, his new wife (whom Ive never met) and Thomas.

I had an emotional breakdown, something that just doesnt happen with me. I fell on my knees in front of Thomas and I grabbed him to me bawling and babbling about how much I missed him and how I never thought I would get to see him again. In the background my ex-Corey was saying that this was my Yule present and he thought I should get to see Thomas again and we needed to start planning visits and that the big party had been cancelled so I could spend the day with Thomas.

It was overwhelming and I woke up quickly knowing it couldnt be possible and I was so angry at myself for that dream, for not being able to let go. I feel like a fucking idiot. What is wrong with me? At this point Thomas doesnt even know who I am. I need to let go.

I still had a horrible headache but I had many reasons to be at the Garden for Samhain that night and I decided that letting go of Thomas was now the main one.

I was my usual cheery self and was grateful for a small moment alone to kind of dump with Turtle, which was ultra-appropriate as she is Persephone. I helped her get ready and as I entered the circle I prepared myself to let go of Thomas, but, when I was blindfolded and presented to the Goddess I heard Hermes whisper "name your deceased loved ones" and I know Thomas isnt dead so I couldnt let him go then. Instead I changed to my mother and said simply, "I dont want to say it outloud." Because at that moment I felt like I had totally betrayed my intent.

Ugh...

I wish I knew what I could do to make this go away.

~Tig~
tigrissky: Tiger in Green Sea (Default)


"Theory of Lost Things"
Keetje Kuipers

Because loneliness and beauty are inseparable, one is often
mistaken for the other. As when it becomes difficult to eat

because the tears won't stop coming though you're hungry
and the food, undoubtedly, delicious: the peas, tomatoes,

pink slice of lamb and small round dollop of white beans.
Beauty and loneliness are there in the girl you remember

seated on a bench beside the river waiting for the boy
who will kiss you as he pushes his ice-cream into your face.

They are the chainsaws scattered like orange poker chips
while the work crew takes their break beneath the last cedar,

huddled and begging its shade. Think of your recurring dream
where the bodies of the newly dead turn to diamonds

spread across the ground like tiny failed planets fallen
from the sky and then try to tell me what I say isn't true.

----------

I didnt really want to write about this, I wanted to just let it go and move on, as it is obvious that is what I am suppose to do with it. I cant though, like a lame duck it sits beside my pool of thought wanting to jump in.

I thought this dream was real when I woke up this morning. I thought maybe I really had some sort of chance, some sort of argument that was still out there, that the Universe might be able to make happen. As if the ball were still in play and I was just waiting for it to be tossed back into my court.

The game is over however. End. Fin.

Yet last night, in my dreams, I had the best arguments and as I sat across from my ex-Corey and argued for my ability to see Thomas, to have visitation, to be his second mother again, I could feel him ready to give in.

I let go writing about it for so long I dont remember any of the details, I just remember the feelings. I actually woke up this morning so hopeful that Thomas would be coming home. Okay, well, at least to visit on a regular basis.

I was crushed on my way to work as reality slapped me and I knew none of it was true. I will never see him again.

All I have wanted to do all day was curl up in a ball and bawl.

This isnt something new. Its been almost 4 years now and I have no idea about him and no contact at all.

Yet, like a parent whose child is kidnapped but no body has been found, I still have this hope in my heart that it will all change.

This always leads me to grieve for the fact that I will never be a mother. That I will never fill this ache. That I will be 90, alone in a retirement home and still I will want to be his mother. And I know, that having my own child, being a mother, will never remove this ache to be his mother, but maybe it would fulfill that biological piece of me that is crying.

I dont know...ugh, nevermind.

~TigressSky~
tigrissky: Tiger in Green Sea (Default)
A few nights ago I discovered that Corey is spending 2K on an engagment ring for his new girl. It shouldn't have bothered me. My gods how it did. I literally hated him at that moment. I cant even figure out what and/or how many emotions overwhelmed me. So many, so much confusion. I couldnt say anything, do anything, understand anything. I started bawling and then I became more angry with myself for having any reaction at all. Its been two years, I should be over it.

Two hours later I was done being upset about it. I thought about it deeply, making sure nothing was still lingering and it wasnt. Its gone. Just like that. Crazy unexplainable emotions to absolutely nothing.

Im insane.

I think about Thoma every now and then and it usually grips my heart and sends me into horrible pain. Now, I guess I feel like its official. Ill never see him again. For some strange unknown reason Im suddenly okay with that.

Maybe there was some piece of closure I needed and this revelation was it. Or maybe two days, two months or two years from now I will be heartbroken by this all again.

Maybe my studying of the archetype of Death and the Maiden throughout Mythology is contributing to my inexplainable acceptance of everything. Marriage being the Maidens Death and Love being the Maidens awakening. Ive died, so now its time to be awakened right? Maybe the self-worth I finally have is enough love to have awakened me? Maybe the love I feel from my friends and community, especially Pyro, Sexxy and Foxx, is enough to awaken me? Maybe I do not need to be awakened any further? Maybe this contentedness needs nothing more than friendship and my right hand. *grin*

Or, maybe my insane blood is driving me from here passively this time. I cant stop thinking about getting my passport and moving to Italy.

Holding the hand of insanity certainly is a questionable way to live life. I want to tattoo the words HOLD and FAST on my fingers to remind myself to hold tight to my dreams, hold tight to my values, hold tight because I need all of this...for what, I guess I cant really say.

~TigressSky~

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tigrissky: Tiger in Green Sea (Default)
I need to stop checking the mail and thinking that I will have some sort of positive randomn letter saying that Westmark apologies for acting like idiots and they know that firing me was wrong. Of course then I wouldn't have as much motivation to start working already. Within a week (maybe two) Ill be working anyway, so nothing to worry about right, well besides the whole paying back the $4300 I've recieved from unemployment so far. UGH! Oh yes, this does mean that they found that Westmark had filed the appeal on time and I should get a letter in a few stating what date my NEW hearing is set for. Not to worried about the hearing itself anymore, because I will be working by then, but am worried about that $4300. Money sucks ass, cant we just barter for what we are good at again. Like me, Im good at blow jobs. *weg*

blow jobs dont make babies )