tigrissky: Tiger in Green Sea (Marilyn Monroe Goddess)
This is one of the first Lucero songs I learned to strum.



Seeing this youthful vision makes me nostalgic for a time when life seemed more crowded in the dualities of love and loneliness. A time when there was always a friend to drink with and a shoulder to lean on. Not much of that time can be found anymore.

I don't rightly know all the reasons why, I know a few though. Change is inevitable and love can weary the heart. Oh but how I have loved.

~TigrisSky
tigrissky: Tiger in Green Sea (Marilyn Monroe Goddess)


In a past life I must have been cruel.

I do not mean a past life I can only dream. A dream in which might be recalled the love between Alexander and Hephaestion. No, not just a dream.

I mean a past life, that at times, feels like yesterday.

Days like these I find myself confronted by such a life; of my past. Seeing straight through the mask of self prepared so carefully within the depths of craved, perhaps depraved, acceptance. Leaving me to wonder what good, if any, I may or may not have provided.

In the eyes of wonder, the waves of cold doubt crash into me. Cold I use to possess. As if there was some form of self that deserved to be possessed by such cold.

A cold that forces you to crawl inside the womb of your anxieties, wrestle your demons, question your value, and die ... unto your own visions of self, repeatedly. Until the very moment there is nothing left to die unto.

Awakening.

Recognizing the very lack of definition with which you are born. In this life, and the next. In whatever moment you finally decide to live, that is.

~TigrisSky

The Seasons

Tue, Feb. 14th, 2017 08:20
tigrissky: Tiger in Green Sea (Marilyn Monroe Goddess)
Much of our theatrical entertainment celebrates the fantasy that the "bad" guys get their comeuppance and the "good" guys are left feeling vindicated. However much I wish to accept this portrait as some kind of truth, I cannot help but remember a key lesson, of which a major in mass communications provides; it is not the ordinary which serves to entertain but the extraordinary.

The extraordinary is also how stars explode and life forms from the dust.

Like a Phoenix from the ashes, life rises, regardless the outcome of right over wrong. You can't direct the wind, but you can adjust your sails. With love, unconditional.



You can only trust adjusting your sails as far out as the waves will take you without tossing you overboard. So it is discovered that success depends on the size of your confidence as it comes to such matters of the heart.

To deeply love is to truly see the presentation of self without condition. Conditions exist within the judgments and expectations that love just can't seem to forgive. Love, unconditional, forgives all.

Loving conditions keep the full experience of life locked, hidden, lost. The only choice left; to give up or push on.

Continue following the path which may allow you to achieve the ability to love, unconditional. Along this path confidence grows allowing the sails to carry ever farther out to sea.

Along the way we are convinced of the duality this thing called life shares with death. As if Apollo where not the sum of Dionysos, simply because one restricts while the other expands. Whom takes which role is portrayed as a seasonal affair. How quick it is forgot, the seasons are not simply determined by the the time of the year.

It is not always the dark which expands and the light which restricts. It is not always the light which expands and the dark which restricts. Growth and stagnation can be found in any direction; the wind through the sails, the fire of the heart, the crash of the waves against bare feet stepping upon the sandy shore.

So it is we are brought into this game of survival. Taught the difference between right and wrong. Given preference to life over death. Gifted the worry of legacy. Our success determined by a society running away from being. Driven by the obsession of doing. Believing that the bad guys get their comeuppance and the good guys their vindication.

Meanwhile, constant change washes over us. The good becomes bad. The bad becomes good. The forces of nature overwhelm the choice of which is current and which is dying.

Leaving us with only one truth, one choice, to stagnate or to grow.

Is this the answer? I do not know with any certainty that their even is an answer. Just choice.

~TigrisSky
tigrissky: Tiger in Green Sea (Marilyn Monroe Goddess)


2017 quickly approaches, allowing a moment to reflect on the numerologically defined "9" this year has definitely been. I can only nod my head, in a form of acceptance and, perhaps a bit of appreciation, for the way it all played out. As a sort of initiation into the questionable form our human civilization is divisively taking towards becoming ...

Speaking of becoming; now is also a time to reflect upon the person I became in 2016. As well as postulate hopeful scenarios of the person I wish to become in 2017. How resolutely I succeed in accomplishing my "becoming" is affected directly by my willingness to change the reflections of that which "became" me.

artemis and apollo barry windsor smith.jpg

I am taken back six months, to a reflection from my birthday, of which the following seems relevant to share in order to understand my resolve for 2017.

"I am the artist of my truth, my wisdom, my experience and I do not intend to forget the pictures I have created along the way. Some of them bolder and louder than others. All of them a reflection of my creation myth.

A myth that started 39 years ago in a different time, in a different place. The history of which has ridden a wave of historic change in which I have had zero affect in shaping.

I am simply human. Part of a species advancing phenomenally as a whole. If such advancement, of a single species, to the detriment of so much around it, is to be considered a phenomenon. Which, even within my cynicism, I am left feeling is phenomenal. Knowing, in the grand scheme of the Universe, the Earth is but a tiny speck of dust, and the human species barely of microscopic consequence.

Yet, at the same time, we are the Universe experiencing itself. We are made of the stars, born of the sun and moon, birthed by an Earth mother that has created the perfect environment in which such a species can thrive. An environment in which we can learn, manipulate, and create through nothing more complex than a simple quiet moment in observance of nature.

It is in those silent moments that I am most grateful. Grateful for the experience becoming absolutely nothing more than a momentary microscopic breathe, on a cosmic speck of floating dust, in the vastness of a Universe I cannot even comprehend a minuscule fraction of, has granted me.

If you are reading this, it most likely granted me you.

No matter how briefly or incompletely I have loved and I have been loved. Unabashedly. Luckily. Sometimes even miserably. Only the Gods them self are able to comprehend, in one brief vision, the overall importance in such love."


On top of the vanity of the 20 pounds I vow to lose, this knowledge is what I vow to build from and upon in 2017.

To remain grateful for whatever amount of love for me exists in this world; in the hearts of those who keep me in their life, in whatever way they may choose to keep me.

To remain silent and observant to the nature of the world around me and the self that is developing within.

To attempt to paint some masterpieces worth remembering, even if they are heartbreaking, and most especially if they are love making!

To remember I am simply stardust, experiencing the Universe, as a form of life sculpted of the Mother known as Earth, guided by an invisible Father called Time; and, in spite of this travesty, I will continue to try and become more anyway!

Happy New Year!




With much love,
~TigrisSky

Budding

Sat, Dec. 31st, 2016 13:00
tigrissky: Tiger in Green Sea (Marilyn Monroe Goddess)
These many years spent, inventing, investing, invigorating, all to the benefit of a thief. She who could not comprehend what made the treasure she now possessed of such value. In broad daylight, in front of everyone, aided by some; looking straight into your eyes, shaking your hand with a smile, as if receiving rather than taking.

What was never yours to begin with.

None of it ever is.

Often, children are not given the credit in knowing the world for what it really is - chaos. We become stronger, more independent beings, because of this chaos, not in spite of it. While those sheltered are the first and most easily deceived by it. Consumed by the desire to reach a perfection chaos simply can never allow. Creating nothing more than a life of missed moments, that could have been spent, reveling in disorder and imperfection.

Out of darkness comes life.

Of course it hurts.

~TigrisSky ©December 31, 2016
tigrissky: Tiger in Green Sea (America)


"...when it was introduced as a holiday by Abraham Lincoln during the Civil War, there was no mention of pilgrims and Native people or food or pumpkins or anything like that. It was simply a day for families to be together and mourn their dead and be grateful for the living." ~Roxanne Dunbar Ortiz, historian

History is defined by the hubris of humanity to shape the world in it's image. There is, in all things traditionally celebrated, an underlying ugliness to it's creation -- no matter the intent with which it is forged.

So it is, through imperfect means, that a hidden vestige of beauty can be found to honor. Intent can be set to manifest, like a phoenix, a way forward from the ashes of our hubris. Lead by our ability to simply be -- present, here, now, together -- grateful.

Whom do you mourn and whom are you grateful for? What future will be envisioned and shared by those whom you gather with? What history and reflection of tradition will be enabled and recognized?

May I hope for and experience truth. May I be an expression of the light of understanding that where we have been is so much less than where we are. May I embrace the knowledge that it is the dark which shapes the light; for without it there is no need to shine. May I exude gratefulness for the time I am granted under this Earthly Sun.

Happy Thanksgiving Everyone!

~TigrisSky
tigrissky: Tiger in Green Sea (Marilyn Monroe Goddess)
The Wonder
by TigrisSky ©October 30, 2016

The wonder of smiles
Casting black clouds of doubt
Over ignorant hearts
Beating strong just the same

Nothing can stop you
From gaining the knowledge
The truth is in playing
Not winning the game

Which always ends
In nothing
But dreamers
Closing their eyes

To chance
That in this one
Moment in time
All life will start

To make sense
Out of fears
That come
With the territory

Of gypsy heart
Of native mind
A shaman expands
All visions beyond

Horizons to reach
Pasts to dispel
Myths to create
Fires to ignite

Passions to explore
Ecstasy at levels
Beyond this base
We sit upon

Earth
And wonder
How it all began
To end

tigrissky: Tiger in Green Sea (Marilyn Monroe Goddess)
There is a time where you try again, take a risk, putting one foot in front of another and step right off the edge of that cliff.

Maybe you'll fly.

Such a notion is all you need to proceed. To open the box of secrets, to eat from the sacred tree of knowledge, to let all of humanities doubts and fears escape into the world. Like Pandora, like Eve, like Ishtar and Inanna eating from the tree of knowledge and becoming the star of Venus. The star of hope. The star that leads the adventurer far from home and back again.

"When I began my journey of personal work and healing, I began to hear the word 'drama'. It addressed all the shadow, the brokenness, the emotional upheavals, the victimhood... you know what I'm talking about. It meant that this drama queen was not the 'real' me ~ but someone who was indulging in some seeking attention gimmicky behaviour.

I too picked up that word, and looked at my life as a soap opera of continuous twists and turns, highs and lows, and with great sincerity began to work to heal. Did a lot of work with my inner child. Deep gratitude to all those who supported me on my journey.

I also collected a lot of shaming messages on my way. Which I eventually learnt to give to myself. It was easy to shame me as shame has been big in my life. I began to interpret the difficult situations of my life as melodrama. Of course, sometimes, a hard shake-up does wake us up from an unconscious sleep. When I heard my behaviours being called drama and was told to get out of all that 'stuff' ... I was able to look at my life in a new way. I healed a lot of my auto-response behaviours once I understood the pattern.

Today, I can see how screwed up our body responses become through endless trauma creating experiences. Our body stores each and every memory of a fight or flight response that could not be properly executed. Our protective barriers have been breached a million times, (you know that if you are a girl travelling in public transport in India), and one simply learns to 'live with it'. So much numbing happens along the way, as our way of response gets frozen into habitual patterns.

Today, I am really sorry that I used the word 'drama' in a way that demeaned or shamed my brokenness, or any one else's brokenness. I want to deeply honour each one's life story and mine as well. I am glad I woke up to this, and apologise to anyone to whom I used this word. I am sorry."

The few quoted paragraphs above are from Sukhvindar Sircar, a woman of great respect whom I follow on Facebook. Her words came as I began writing this piece. A beneficial coincidence to the direction of my thoughts. Describing, with great analogy, the place I have been for so long now.

Yet here I am in this moment, on the precipice of transformative growth. A completion of sorts, into the beautiful bud of whatever flower I choose to become. To finally be done with time spent worrying about who I am and where I belong.

I belong nowhere.

I am variable.

This is exceedingly good knowledge. Knowledge of which I seem to periodically forget and rediscover.

A cycle completes and a Fool makes her way out into the world. Variable and heading nowhere she doesn't want to go.

Sand in her toes, awakened by the light of Venus, the star of hope, as she steps out into that ocean of night ...



~TigrisSky
tigrissky: Tiger in Green Sea (Marilyn Monroe Goddess)


I contemplate becoming that woman who simply leaves it all behind. I don't mean the woman who packs up her things and uses her passport to disappear. No, not simply the woman who starts over somewhere else, hopeful in the new adventure she has stepped into.

No. Not that woman.

I contemplate becoming the woman who takes too many pills, letting go completely of everything she ever was or could become.

It isn't because I am not grateful. It is not because I cannot see the beauty of the world around me. I certainly am. I certainly can.

I understand, however, that the world doesn't need me in it. It will never matter that I was here. I will never do anything, be anything, accomplish anything.

If I reach old age I will be left to hope that I have enough monetary value for society to place me in a care home. I will be left to hope that this care home offers more than bed sores and a television that helps ignore.

In the interim of moving towards the hope of that reality, the darker and harder it all gets. Yet still, life blooms around me and I am nothing if not grateful for the experience, the beauty, and above all else, the love.

It is all so futile though, constantly in search of hope for a momentary experience of joy, fulfillment, satisfaction, accomplishment ... whatever it is we need to be fully present and savor what it is we are going through.

Addiction. Habit. Comfort. Ritual. Security. Conformity. All the things that bring some fleeting sense of worth in continuing on accepting the drive life has, to simply be alive.

It isn't so much that I am depressed, as it is I recognize the truth and just don't want to play the game anymore.

The battle of good and evil. In a world where everyone seems to think they are right, as if their existence has some sort of importance in regards to the overall outcome of things. This is what creates such a battle. Before empires, before conquests, before territory, there was no good versus evil, just life.

I cling to the simplistic beauty that is life, but society demands so much more and cares so little for life. I feel deeply the constant bombardment of hatred for life, extraneously displayed when one cannot fit any of the molds society requests.

I certainly cannot fit the molds. So it is the value of my life is obsolete here.

Just ask anyone you find yourself better than.

Just ask yourself in the moment any emotion associated to fear of another human sets itself inside you. For it is in that moment the molds of society you cling to shine brightest. It is in this moment life is no longer simply life, but instead a cancer. A cancer learning and growing en masse, clinging to life for no more than a means to feed itself and keep itself growing.

Life continues to move farther and farther away from nature, it's Creator. Spiraling deep inside the idea of individualism, separatism, self-importance, which in itself is the creator of the delusion of good and evil. In turn creating the molds which define such concepts. The molds which define the society in which we live.

The molds in which I will never fit.

~TigressSky

p.s. This is not a cry for help. I am not in danger of hurting myself. Seriously. Sincerely.

Happy Birthday

Wed, Jun. 1st, 2016 21:58
tigrissky: Tiger in Green Sea (Marilyn Monroe Goddess)

"There's an end and a beginning to this quiet chaos driving me mad." ~Snow Patrol, New York

The countdown has begun. Soon I will step out of the public sector back into the private. The golden handcuffs are being removed. In a sense it brings a rush of fear, but mostly it provides a rush of euphoric excitement encompassed by an image of me diving into a sea of possibility.

At the same time I find myself invited back inside in a way I did not think would exist for me again. It is new and it is exciting and it would not have happened, in my work or personal life, without my stepping away and letting go first.

Still ... sometimes unfavorable things resurface in subtle ways. I remind myself that there is reason to be enlightened of such treason and the walls it creates.

We tend to forget that not all walls are limiting. Some, in fact, hold the greatest works of art our life will ever know. Reminders that are not there to block. Reminders which display the truth of experience and the ingenious tact with which wisdom is designed.

I am the artist of my truth, my wisdom, my experience and I do not intend to forget the pictures I have created along the way. Some of them bolder and louder than others. All of them a reflection of my creation myth.

A myth that started 39 years ago in a different time, in a different place. The history of which has ridden a wave of phenomenally historic change in which I had zero affect in shaping.

I am simply human. Part of a species advancing phenomenally as a whole. If such advancement of a single species to the detriment of so much around it is to be considered a phenomenon. Which, even within my cynicism, I am left feeling it is. Knowing, in the grand scheme of the Universe, the Earth is but a tiny speck of dust, and the human species barely of microscopic consequence.

Yet, at the same time, we are the Universe experiencing itself. We are made of the stars, born of the sun and moon, birthed by an Earth mother that has created the perfect environment in which such a species can thrive. An environment in which we can learn, manipulate, and create through nothing more complex than a simple quiet moment in observance of nature.

It is in those silent moments that I am most grateful. Grateful for the experience becoming absolutely nothing more than a momentary microscopic breathe, on a cosmic speck of floating dust, in the vastness of a Universe I cannot even comprehend a minuscule fraction of, has granted me.

If you are reading this, it most likely granted me you. No matter how briefly or incompletely I have loved and I have been loved. Unabashedly. Luckily. Sometimes even miserably. The Gods themself only know how I have loved and been loved ... and maybe you.



~TigrisSky

Eternity

Fri, May. 20th, 2016 06:54
tigrissky: Tiger in Green Sea (starbuck)


It's not going to be the end of the world.

In this moment that is the truth I must hold tight.

Life,
it goes on
in need of nothing
in search of everything
on a path to nowhere
all to become

Nothing,
but this moment
right here
right now

I am nothing more than a wayfaring stranger to this experience known to humanity as life. Where every step is one step closer to the nothing we are born to become. Where every choice redeems or condemns, where every story is told or forgotten, where every acceptance of self is acceptance of the nothingness we come from and return to. Holding vigil over our significance. As if significance will allow eternity.

~TigrisSky
tigrissky: Tiger in Green Sea (Dark Beauty)
This question could be asked in regards to my journal. Yet the hearts esoteric connection to self is what brings it into being.

I have spent the best years of my life being a part of it all; forgetting the importance of simply being me.

Since the beginning the way forward has always been lead by a continuous search for deep connection.

Waste of time.

Since the beginning the way forward has always been unwaveringly directed by a revisionist soul.

A soul obsessively devoted to love.

Such a contradictory predicament; life. Ushering you in with all the feminine strength this world can muster. Indoctrinating you with all the masculine ego this world can sell.

Every now and again a life preserver can be found keeping it all afloat. Yet if you never let go and swim; well, even salt water surrounded with sharks can feel safe if you get comfortable enough holding on.

Hold on long enough you will forget anything you ever dreamed of.

Hold on long enough you will forget how to dream.

Spend enough time drowning and eventually you won't need air to breath.

Some days I am ready to stop breathing.

Right now I try and remember how to dream ...

~TigrisSky

tigrissky: Tiger in Green Sea (starbuck)
I am not certain whether to count this past moontime as 3 weeks late or I missed a month and am 1 week early. I will find out for sure next week, depending on if I start my moontime as expected or not then.

I asked the doctor about this at the beginning of the year, she took some blood and nothing more came from it.

I'm 38. It doesn't seem like menopause should be hitting me so early. Perhaps it is.

I know I definitely do not want children, because even when I spend some time pining a little, soon enough I am thankful for my freedom. I mean come the fuck on, if my dog and cat didn't talk to me they would starve to death! Although I suppose a baby screams and talks eventually to.

I kinda just want to be done with the whole moontime thing. Yet at the same time I know the coming end is a sign of aging, a loss of a part of me that once had the opportunity to bring forth something in this world, a loss of a part of me that was once desirable and intriguing, a step towards being seen less and less, not to mention becoming worth less and less, to the world around me ...



I have done nothing of value to confront my disappearance altogether.

Teaching myself to cope with slowly being altogether forgotten sucks, but is necessary.

On the flipside, pushing myself to do something of value is a crazy motivator. One that, with age, contains a willingness to take less risk while offering an incentive towards adventurous workings of creative skill and imagination to fucking pull something off. Like an assignment I have waited until the last minute to start working on.

Now I just have to figure out how to tell the "fraud police" to fuck off -- they seem to be the keepers of the 'you can't do the thing, you are such a fake no nothing nobody' keys I remain caged within.

Either or, I will eventually simply just disappear from this world - in one instance I will be easily forgettable, in another, perhaps I will be immortal; or at least my memory will out live me.

~TigrisSky
tigrissky: Tiger in Green Sea (starbuck)


Learning to walk again means ...

Sometimes I feel so selfish in becoming me. I wonder how many people are hurt in the wake of my movement towards who I want to be. Especially when that movement is meant as love, as awakening to a model of acceptance, of no longer making others feel rejected by me for who they are.

It is hard to not feel rejected when the core of how we connected was given a sudden halt signal by me. When these boundaries that were never there before have suddenly become walls of disconnection.

I recognize that as much as I have felt the sting of rejection, I too have provided that sting.

It is impossible to never say no. It is impossible to never say stop. It is learning how to do that with consideration as often as possible that I am working on. It is learning how to do it with considered forced when it may affect my mental health and physical safety that I am working on. It is learning how to do it so I no longer fear the anxiety of the reaction to the rejection that most likely will follow. It is learning to do it with confidence in knowing I am in the right to have boundaries; yet I am not in the right to purposefully hurt others because of my boundaries.

I am learning to relax ...

I want to figure out what the best of me is. Unlike so many I know I have never been good enough at anything to be considered a leader, an authority, someone to turn to for ... anything.

What have I been?

I have been a foul mouthed little girl; a representation of empty passion; jealousy's noose; a untameable unicorn; a flitting butterfly of hope; a Queen of hearts; a stir stick in the sour margarita of hope; an untouchable naked flame searching for love.

A woman avoiding the depths of the mirror while constantly looking at her reflection.

I have entered wonderland finally. Maybe I am too late to get anything out of being here. I intend to try every mushroom, to grow, to shrink, to attend tea parties, to cry until I might drown, to chase the white rabbit, to sing with the flowers, to be led by mad characters I don't quite understand, to allow the Queen to behead me this time ...

~TigressSky
tigrissky: Tiger in Green Sea (starbuck)
It's strange, this peaceful acceptance of self has brought back so much.

I am inspired again. Like a child I find hope for my aged future.

Sometimes I still think about how much people use to care about me and how easily, and quickly that all changed. Yet it is just a fact of my life now, not some sort of "problem I have." Meaning that I am no longer spending time trying to figure out how to solve anything anymore. They still love me. As do a lot of people throughout my life whom I don't have much contact with.

Fact is this "lack of contact" does not change who I am and what I can do in this world. It instead provides less to cling to; while opening the doors to so much more to explore!



Its weird, but I realize, I have spent a long time focusing on making others dreams come true. With a major focus on making the dream(s) of community come true. Yet I stopped focusing on my goals, my dreams. I even stopped trying new things and taking new paths as I came across them.

I gave all of myself to everything outside of myself and ended up back here with just myself again.

So is life.

I suppose we all go through this from time to time though. Stopping at a train station in life, if you must, and meeting all the people in this new place. Forgetting we have a boarding-pass that can take us so many other places. Sometimes assuming that our boarding-pass has some defined expiration date, or that we have lost our opportunity, and so we simply never get back on that train.

I, however, am riding the rails again!

6_5126
Mike Brodie, 18

It feels invigorating to be filled with so many ideas. So many things I want to go do. So much of this wide world to explore.

To realize that as I age I have less to lose than I thought.

When you are young you are willing to try more stupid things. Yet as you age, you can get stuck in the routine of that train station. Where you may find yourself not willing to do much of anything to step outside of the routine. Whatever that routine is - be it partying every weekend or sitting at home crafting or even simply raising a family while "slaving 50 years away at something you hate" - life becomes routine.

As if you have somehow become frozen in being.

"People come and people go, some grow young and some grow cold." ~Tom Petty, from: You Don't Know How It Feels

I am growing young and it is fucking fantastic!

No routine for me. No cold robot stuck at the train station wondering what happened to her boarding pass.

I am riding the rails! Boarding pass or not!

Now to find some trains ... choo! choo!

~TigressSky~
tigrissky: Tiger in Green Sea (starbuck)


This song, Wild One, Forever, is from Tom Petty's debut album; self-titled:Tom Petty & the Heartbreakers. A lot of people may have never heard this song before as the album itself came out 7 months before I was born, in November of '76.

The moment I heard it I was whisked even further into my fandom connection with Tom Petty. I could see myself in it immediately. In so much as the way my life's relationship experiences have defined me that is.

"They call you the wild one. Said stay away from her. Said she could love no one if she tried."

Then, as the song announces with fierceness, "But then something I saw in your eyes, told me right away that you were gonna have to be mine ..."

That is the hope of the Wild One. To be seen as worthy of the effort. Worthy of love. To find someone who allows the sight to go beyond that which the Wild One has come to judge as unworthy of love.

Those things in me I had come to believe were my flaws. To be loved in spite of them, or even because of them.

Floodplain brought that ideal, that hope, to me as a reality. With the softness of the next verse, "Well it's too bad, but I want you to know that I understand..."

He opened me up to a love that is more important than any I have ever experienced before - the love of self.

I love and cherish all of the other relationships that have brought me here.

I have good memories of all of them, and I choose to let go of the bad ones. That is how I stay friends with everybody. That is how I never let anybody go.

Some people have hurt me more than others and the drifting apart doesn't bother me as much. Yet if they come back into my arena, I am nice and I try and focus on the positive experiences I have had with them. Sometimes it is hard, but it is what I do.

Lately I feel like people see me as a person who doesn't meet their expectations, which makes me feel bad about who I am. Yet I know part of it is not them making me feel bad. It is me making me feel bad because I have become uninteresting and people don’t really want to make the effort for me anymore …

Don’t get me wrong, I realize people love me and people love having me around. It has been five years however; nobody calls me, emails me, or texts me. Save a few, Mistress, Turtle, and before the weirdness, Aurora.

Granted I kinda gave up contacting others, because the lack of response was getting to be to heartbreaking. I can handle alone, I can't handle ignored.

I grew up with a mom who got beat regularly for being a Wild One. This lead to fleeing regularly and also lead to a habitual expectation that this was just how it was, so, the beaters were prone to return regularly as well.

From this I learned that you have to let go of the negative and you have to cling to the positive, especially the positive you find in other people.

How else would I have been able to live with all of those guys … repeatedly … scared that mom is gonna die.

I just focused on the fact that all those guys were nice to me. All of my mom’s friends were a ton of fucking fun, just like the community is.

Seriously, I lived a life of adventure in my youth. The type of adventure that most people in their middle-age only dream of getting to experience. I got to grow up with that, and I feel like I was probably very lucky to have the mom I did.

My mom was judged pretty harshly for the type of person she was. Simply because she was more male than female. She didn't fit society’s gender expectations and she didn't have to be transgender to try.

Hell I can’t wait for there to be no more gender expectations! Old white guys are scared that the brown people are trying to wipe out the white race, still to this day. They realize that in the future race won’t matter, therefore it can't be used to control.

It simply won’t matter, because we are evolving to become race-less. Soon it will seem archaic that we ever asked the question “what race are” you on any form. Can you even imagine what life will be like when race is invisible?

Gender is on its way to being erased as well. A lot of men in general, although admittedly mostly the same old white guys, are scared by marriage equality because, “Oh my god, they are going to make it to where people don’t see gender anymore.”

This loss of gender is going to be so good though. Because it is no longer going to be bad for a woman to want the exact same opportunities, the exact same adventures, and the exact same fun as a man.

Which is what people who dislike the lifestyle of women who live like my mom, the Wild Ones, are really complaining about.

They dislike her lifestyle because she is a woman living that way. If I had been living with my dad and that was his lifestyle no one would even care. Because that is what guys do, they get drunk and fight, they are passionate about things, especially when they are single and working blue collar jobs and taking care of a child.

My mom raised me in fun adventurous environments, with crazy fucking people, from all walks of life. Most people got boring, typical American dream bullshit to grow up in. I got to be the Wild One.

free spirit

Yet what I never had was this seemingly constant, consistent, feeling of connection and love and concern for me that I had in the past within the Pagan community I found … and I needed that.

It is okay that it is gone for me right now. Just like always, I can focus on all the good, and let go the negative. Although, GOD DAMN! it took me so long to get here this time.

I attribute this slow move as a desperate clinging to the fact that I had built every ounce of my being around being the community.

I needed to feel that type of connection. The problem is, for me, it was hard for me to express my returned love in those connections, how happy I was, in any other way except for sexually. So what I personally feel like has happened ...

DISCLAIMER: I have to proceed the next statement with a disclaimer that I DO NOT regret the sex. I don’t have any qualms with people who live the poly-lifestyle. I understand, with great empathy and experience, why people are drawn to it and I don’t knock it in anyway.

Personally though, I did not really understand, until Mistress and now Floodplain helped me to learn, you can connect so well, so deeply to someone, and it does not have to be about sex at all.

I think in the end, honestly, because sex was the only connection I really made with people, (yes I know there are other ways in which I connected, but that was one of the main ways I connected the closest. The way I could really express love.), when that connection was lost, so was the connection to me.

Yet I must admit, I have no deeper understanding then this, because, as aforementioned, the connection is lost ... I don't know what or if people feel or think about me anymore.

Not that people don’t love me, or that they don’t want me around or something. I get it. I’m not the life of the party anymore. I am not interesting anymore.

That’s what I really miss. Being interesting to others. People who will talk to me about me, about things I am interested in.

Community does not connect to me anymore.

I’m not trying to be selfish. I realize I haven’t been around much, I haven’t been doing things. I became celibate, I became “prude”, I got uber-sensitive about the teasing and built anxiety about being something wrong in our community. I also realize nobody cares about that anymore – so yeah, awesome!

Yet it has been heartbreaking for me for so long to go to festival. I know I built expectations around the type of person I was. When I finally tried to explain to people that I had these new boundaries, I started with those closest to me, and their reactions made me expect the same from others.

It made it to where I just didn't want to get fucked up around anyone anymore, nor be around when the party began, even if I was sober, because I had to be fully responsible when someone was going to come onto me in their intoxicated loving state.

I have a hard time with that role, because I love everybody, and I want to express to them love from me in the way they desire of me.

I love to be needed, wanted, and most importantly to nurture love in other people. I love the feeling of giving everyone as much of my energy as they need and seeing them burst with happiness because of it.

Yet not doing it sexually was new to me, and, due to my anxiety, I wasn't really afforded the opportunity to try to learn how to express it in a different way. My anxiety being built around the expectation that if those closest to me could not respect the boundaries, than how could others.

In short I was scared, I didn't fit anymore, and I didn't even know how to try to fit anymore.

When you compile all of this into the heart of a woman, a Wild One, who takes care of herself, well, you get a woman who slowly disappears. Because a woman who can't try to make it better, who sees that the fight to change is not an option or not working, will eventually take flight.

Yet this is the longest I have ever been connected to others; ever. I clung desperately to the idea that, if I just stuck it out, if I just kept going and made changes to things I could control; leaving the fire before the party started, staying sober, then it would all get better.

It didn't get better. Instead I learned what it was like to suffer from constant anxiety. Too have your heart pounding out of your chest, while your brain worries about everything that most likely will never happen. To build a sensitivity to everything around you as if at any moment just the right thing would shatter you into pieces like glass.

The truth is, with my past, I have never really had anybody there to help me with my problems but me. I have always solved them myself, through writing, or music, art, or time with nature. I am really good at this and I don’t really feel strongly about changing it. I love this artistic part of me.

However, my clinging desperately, rather than stepping away and spending time alone with it all; topped with my anxiety, made it impossible for me to figure anything out. The art stopped coming. All I could do instead was play chess with my life. Move myself cautiously into a square and hope to not get knocked out of it.

Until the music came that is ... but the music is a whole other story.

Most of my life I was lucky to get a few years with others; and then I gotta move. Then it is time to write letters, because there wasn't facebook, internet, texting, hell sometimes there was no land-line because we couldn't pay the bill.

So I would just move and lose contact with people. I would be alone again, usually it was summer, and usually we were in the middle of nowhere. So I would be in the woods, in nature, for the summer, by myself, all my friends living in some different city or state doing whatever it is that normal kids do in the summer.

Despite all the change and loss I would have a good time. I spent my time alone, contemplating the good memories, the lessons learned, while exploring nature. I would wonder if others thought about me. Sometimes I would fantasize reconnecting later in life and all the fun we would have then.

It is silly, because I really believed I was just forgotten. Yet with social media I found out that a lot of people did wonder about me. Even some people I had minimal contact with wondered about me. It’s been surreal to be connected still.

What I also realize is that if I met up again with all these people of my past, we would sit in a room and babble at each other with true interest in each other. We would express our passions and share interest in each other. Maybe some of us would find common things to follow-up with. Maybe connections would grow and new close friendships would be made.

This use to be what community was like for me.

I realize this is what community remains or has become for so many others.

For years I have expressed a desire to have a ritual, something to study, something to do, that connects us all like this again. Something that we can all focus on and learn together that allows us all to participate with each other and have something to talk about together. Something I can be included in.

What I finally realize is this: I am the only one not connected like this anymore.

The community still shares common interests, interests I am disconnect from.

I can’t express what I am passionate about and find other people interested in the community anymore.

Hell they don’t even have to really be interested in it.

It’s like when I was dating the second Corey, and he was such a dick. I learned everything about kayaking. I don’t ever even want to fucking go kayaking, yet I know all about it. I know more about the types of boats, rapids, boaters, water levels, then I ever wanted to know about. All because I wanted to be able to talk to him about what he is passionate in.

Yet with my passions he would say he, “Didn't want to know about it,” and he, “Wasn't going to learn that shit.”

I don’t expect people to learn everything about the things I am interested in; but it would be nice if people talked to me about it. To just try taking a moment and talk to me about things I am doing too.

Because right now I realize I could make an effort to be with the community, maybe twice a month, give all the love I have and then leave, and everyone would be happy to have seen me and fine with that level of connection.

This is what I have now.

I have come to accept that this how I fit.

It sucks not being included. I know that some of that is my fault because I am not sexual anymore, I am not really focused on the party anymore, and my interest are not interesting, etc., etc. As well I am sure there are other things about me that bother people that they just won’t converse with me about.

Yet those things I can participate in make me feel awesome. Even if it leaves me only connecting to the community ever so often.

Seriously, Yule was SSSOOOOOOOOO awesome. I felt so connected. I was needed. I was able to bring comfort and love without sex. The kids welcomed me like I was the best thing since sliced cheese. People loved the meditation. I was included in conversations and some people even asked and talked briefly about things I am interested in.

I was included, I could participate … yet most importantly people made the effort to include me and participate with me.

So it is I start anew.

I no longer search for how I fit. I know the small way in which I do and it is enough; for now.

I hold out hope, that in the future the connection to community that I use to have, that so many others still have, that so many others have gained, I can find and have again. I accept, however, that this may never be ... and I hope that the small connection I do still have is enough to sustain me in community if it never does happen.

So the Wild One, becomes a Lady, a Lady Godiva on a Buffalo, playing the drums, singing her heart out, honoring her Mother.



~TigressSky~
tigrissky: Tiger in Green Sea (starbuck)

It Doesn't Matter Where, Just Drive by Snow Patrol

This is a song that, once recorded, Gary Lightbody never played again. It is about the loss of his child in utero.

I found this song shortly after losing the baby. I didn't really connect to it as much then, as the loss was new, and it all felt too surreal to imagine how it fit. As well, I was certain I could just try again and get it right next time.

With time I would learn that to not be the case.

Once I lost Thomas though, well this song just broke my heart and became a constant for me. Because all the thoughts in this song they just ... for me they just apply to him ... he was real -- more real than the loss of the baby I was barely carrying in my Fallopian tube, more real than the baby I can never have myself. I have experienced the reality of being his Mom, of being a mom - and yet at the same time that reality was always an illusion.

For me, the only part of this song that doesn't fit is that, "the families all gather round," line. No one gathered round me when I lost the baby. No one gathered round me when I lost Thomas. In fact, my family made me feel like shit about it, as if I had chosen my religion over my husband and son. There was no comfort for me, only blame.

Still, some days I wonder if they were right.

As for my friends, well, the only two I had were busy with their own lives and my recent loss of pretty much everything, moving into my first place and being absolutely alone there, well, it was not a priority and could not be for whatever reasons. I don't place blame, it just is how it was at the time.

Lonely.

The distraction of Queendom and a community of strangers needing me, strangers that made me feel loved being just who I am, no questions, got me through a lot of things during that time.

Now however, even that is changing for me.

I question our human desire to be seen. To be known. To be accepted and understood, to be a part of something larger than ourselves, as I stand on a dividing precipice and wonder ...

Is there really anything larger than self?

I'm hurting a lot right now and, as per my norm, I feel as if I am not allowed to be. As if everyone else is more important than me.

To end this hurt, I must let go the anxiety I hold in regards to the possibility of yet even more of my connections being severed because of who and how I am as a person. In short, I must allow myself to be me and that means I must love me, not constantly worry about the me I am being and if the me I am is accepted or rejected anymore.

self sufficient

I must be okay with the fact that I just don't fit anymore. So I am.

"I don't fit anymore!" Woohoo!

While at the same time I know I still "gotta little space to fill." I am still loved, people still enjoy having me around, and that is the part I am truly grateful for. I will most likely always hope that someday, things will change, and I can have the closeness, the support, the connection, and the importance in community again. Yet for now, rather than focus on the loss, I am focusing on what I still have because what I still have is beautiful.

I still have me. I am still loved. Yes, "I still gotta little space to fill."

So it is I start focusing on that space. I become okay in alone again. It isn't a horrible place. It is simply the darkness of the Mother, of my self, of the upcoming season in which I will be born anew. Some of the steps I have taken, in just loving myself, with acceptance and assurance, are simply the signs of false labor ... my birth is coming.

So it is I return to the Gypsy, that I was, that I am, that will always remain my naked flame.



~TigressSky~
tigrissky: Tiger in Green Sea (starbuck)
That moment when it finally dawns on you why some people love the same music as you and others just don't "get it" or "hate it." Or maybe this lesson is an opposite of that understanding. Perhaps it is that moment when the music shows you the chasm of difference(s) between yourself and those whom you are connected.

One chasm I have never found of equal in any other is the ability to understand and be alone. Although I have met those whom understand alone with greater or lesser a value than others; none I have ever met, ever connected to deeply, have ever "gotten me." This is why I say, I have never found equal in the ability to understand and be alone.

Very few people I know, that I am connected to right now, have any clue what it is like to be alone in this world. I mean truly alone. With just yourself and that scary fucking door to the outside that is filled with all these people that you just can't be sure will "get you" because you certainly don't get them.

Most people I know have never lived alone for one moment in their lives. Going straight from one living situation with people to the next. For example a teen moving from his parents; of which the typical first stop is not somewhere alone. Instead it is into some sort of a roommate situation, typically a roommate situation that involves a lover/partner at that. Or if they do move to be alone, they have their family or friends to fall back on and "save" themselves.

As well, most of them spent their youth in one spot, no more than two. They experienced what it was like to attend school in one school system. They learned how to deal with a social network of friendships that, even if not around now, lasted. They are use to kowtowing to, as well as creating their own, cliques and hierarchy in relationships along with knowing their place amongst them.

Simply stated, they are use to building two-way expectations in their relationships with people. Something that happens naturally when you must deal with others on a regular basis. They are use to fulfilling a role, a role typically built around set expectations of who they are and should become. Be that they take on a taught role or they follow a driving force that directs them to oppose the teachings of said role. They still work to fulfill a role expectation they have set of them-self. As well they live with others around them fulfilling the needs of roles that fit in their life, roles that they typically help shape. Be that allowing others to feel above, beneath, or at equal with them.

It is natural pack nature. As humans, being in a pack is very natural to us. We can fit into whatever pack we decide, if we just learn the expectations and find a defined way in which we fit. A role we can play, so to say.

My life, unlike most, was full of lots of alone. Lots and lots of time with just myself and a whole lot of nature. I never stayed in one place for more than a year; typically only 6 months. I did not learn how to meet expectations, or even how to build and have them of others. In short, my life was spent slipping into and out of many different "packs," and in between the packs I was alone.

To say I did not learn a role or two would be asinine. We all have roles in our lives, use of such roles is how we survive in whatever way we have been born into it or, if you believe, chosen to survive. Some of us just happen to be able to change easier and quicker than others. Able to let go of roles that serve us no purpose, or serve just to hurt, or for the role of the psychopath, letting go of roles that serve to help.

Whatever the purpose, we all have many different roles we play in our lives. Learning which roles create positive and which negative actions and interactions; along with knowing what is positive and negative to ourselves, and which type of action or interaction we wish to have, determines which role(s) we chose to progress with and which role(s) we leave behind.

Most people cling to their roles though. Like an addict clings to his heroin; they choose to keep injecting the same old stuff, for the same old experiences, looking to ensure the enduring continuation of actions and interactions that satisfy whatever positive or negative they have deemed fulfills their life. Whatever it is that keeps them feeling "high."

Wow ... how did I get here? Ha!

The point?

One of the roles I was born into I like to call "alone" and I fulfill it well.

It is in this role of alone, wondering how the hell people can "hate" or not "get" my music that I was awakened to the fact that this chasm of difference existed. I was finally able to understand why the music spoke to me so differently than it did others.

Alone.

That and the fact that I am certifiable perhaps.

Here is one of those songs now ...



~TigressSky~
tigrissky: Tiger in Green Sea (Beware of Dog)
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Not that Im having any form of writer's block, but this subject got me thinking so off on a tangent I go...

Who defines what is good-natured or bad-natured teasing anyway? The teaser or the teased? I suppose it is all in the eye of the beholder and what end of the spectrum you deem deserves your support more. Most often one sides with the recipient of the teasing and not the one dishing it out. There is some innate pride in human nature that sides protectively against injustice. For most of us a grieved person seems to be the one suffering from the injustice rather than the one dishing the suffering out.

Of course, there are quite often just as many times when the innate survival mode of humanity kicks in and even if your heart sides with the grieved your physical-self acts with the one causing grievous injury. Thus following the animal instinct to stick with the herd and push out the weak. The need to be popular, to be at the top of the pack, to not be pushed out oneself, will ultimately overwhelm the need to be just and fair.

So again I ask, who defines what is good-natured versus bad-natured teasing?

I have read some of the gut driven responses to this writer's block topic and I have to question if anyone has stepped outside of their own personal heart and admitted that they don't even know what good-natured teasing is? Like truth it is all in the eye of the beholder.

I take the stance that there is no good versus bad teasing that there is just teasing period the end.

What if the question addressed the actual definitive rather than trying to give an implied intent to it?

"Do you think teasing often goes too far?"

Would you answer this very new question differently? As it is now a question that no longer tries to give a positive intent to the definitive. What about the propagandized photo of the sad baseball playing boy that accompanies the question in an attempt pull at your heart strings. Does it tug a little stronger at them when you take away the implied positive intent of the definitive? What changes for you when the boy is now simply being teased rather than being teased with a good-natured intent?

For me this question actually connects to the root of a piece of human egotism that I feel is destroying our species; focused equality. No, I am not talking about the type of focus on equality that has lead to several civil rights movements. I am instead talking about the off-shot twisted dichotomy the ideal of equality has managed to tangle itself into. This need to make everything equal in such a way that there is no longer any reward for hard work nor discipline for lack there of. An ideal that no one is special or more deserving than anyone else - ever. An ideal that has spawned a need to do our best to guarantee any systems that exists that celebrates achievements be destroyed, so as to spare the feelings of those whom did not meet the standards of said system.

We are moving towards, and, in some places are already at these stations of destroyed analysis. We no longer grade our students, we no longer have an honor role, we have stopped keeping score in sports, etc., etc. - all for the ideal that everyone is special and everyone is equal and no one is better than anyone else, or can achieve better than anyone else.

This is such utter drivel.

Yes, many of these systems we set standards by are outdated and judgmental, however, rather than updating the system to reflect a new set of standards, or even taking the time to create new ones, we decide to just destroy them. We look to just get rid of anything that forces a person to work hard and possibly suffer in order to excel.

Teasing happens to be a natural human instinct driven system. We cannot destroy this system as it is animalistic in nature; and, therefore we are instead trying to control it. We label, define and set-up it's echelon. We provide it with a notion of positive and negative. All with the ideal that we can judge and define when it is allowed and when it is not. In essence, setting up a standard of abuse that can be labeled 'okay' to commit.

Is it really okay, ever? Even as we define it to be? As noted above, the very ability to define it is questionable itself, and quite often the authority to do so is owned by the majority and the majority tend to be the one(s) leading the taunt?

Or maybe the better question is; how does one truly set definitions and limitations to human nature? How does one label what is and isn't okay for a human's very own nature?

All teasing crosses lines and provides a level of sting. That’s the nature of it, regardless of the good or bad intent of the one doing the teasing. I think the true issue exists in our attempts to define and label when teasing is good and when it is bad. Not, as is suggested by this very question, in looking at the intent of the teaser as it contrasts to the perception of the teased, and, if the teaser has 'gone too far'. The very act of teasing suggests that the teaser is willing to step over a line, thus they have already 'gone too far'.

When I think back on the hardships of my life and the amount of teasing I have gone through it is enormous and if it were given cash value I am sure it could pay-off the National Debt. I do not think I could describe it all in an average book; nor do I think I can remember and recall it all in the varied forms it presented and presents itself to me throughout life.

I have seen and heard things from others who make the teasing that happened in my life appear as barely a drop in the bucket of what teasing can be. Most of whom have become and continue to become the most amazing people.

At the same time I have seen some whom have gone ballistic, bringing guns to schools, work and the streets to let loose a torment that matches the sting of the tease. Their actions driven by the societal need to set an echelon on the quality and types of teasing allowed. The focused equality spreading like butter on the bread of instant gratification, making them believe such actions are okay - as okay as the very teasing that lead them here.

The more we try and sterilize our lives to the adversities they contain the more we enable an inability to deal with them; thus creating extreme and disproportionate actions in which to do so.

Teasing is one of the most constant adversities we will face in life. We should stop trying to sterilize it and start trying to learn from it.

So, the simple answer to this questions is, yes, sometimes teasing seems to go to far as it always crosses some sort of line and, by it's very nature, will hurt someone’s feelings. However, in the long run, the teasing aids us to learn to cope with and move through life's adversities. How we learn to handle our actions and reactions to such adversity is what really matters in shaping and defining our very lives. Therefore teasing is important to the very growth of our beings.

~TigressSky~

This Is War

Tue, Feb. 2nd, 2010 20:46
tigrissky: Tiger in Green Sea (Default)


precursor: This is my latest response to an email discussion of spirituality that had you been privy to the entirety of I am certain many of you would have just stopped talking. Sometimes I wish I could...

----------

Looks like I misread earlier as I had thought you said it seemed like I was NOT used to dealing with many different and varied people. I am in fact use to that. I can handle a wrench with the working class and turn around and sip champagne with the upper class. Also, I am well read and studied just not in the "new age spiritual" writings. I have lots of history under my belts and even that one must take with a grain of sand and figure out on their own.

The above said ...

I believe all spiritual ways are right, all paths are right and like in every path there are pitfalls and bad apples that can spoil the bunch. Unlike many "pagans" I have NEVER had a bad experience with anyone from a Xian faith base. However, I have had many and numerous issues with those whom hold a "pagan" faith base. It is so hard for a people, whom are attempting to follow something they deem ancient not to bicker and fight. There are so many historical books by so many different scholars whom all feel that the archeological evidence they are using to write their thesis means something different, no two histories are exactly alike. Add to this a gazillion "new age spiritual" writers pulling ideas from this page and that page of this or that history book and spiritual writing and with this making a hobnob of nonsense and then saying "here is the true path", "this is what the ancients did", "blessed be", "harm none", etc. etc. etc. No wonder no one can figure out how to follow any ancient path. THERE IS NONE.

I am not trying to move backwards to a time when we were oh so much better. I am trying to live in the here and now. Trying to be one with what is today and billions of people and other life vying for space on this little rock in the atmosphere of the universe. I am not naive enough nor am I self centered enough to believe that we as pitiful little humans have so much control over such a thing. The very ideals we have ingrained in us from youth insure that we will never fully connect until we fully let go. We can never fully let go until the brain releases us from it's boundaries of thoughts and processes. Therefore death is the only true connection and life is simply a beautiful speck of experience to add to it.

Every form of spirituality followed today has come about from the exact same roots. Grown and changed together. Intertwined and laced together and yet each is demanding that the particular individual path they present is the right and only way. Even you search for something long dead to connect to because to you it is the way and all this modern hoopla is crap.

I do not support your notion of giving what you deem to be negative to someone else. If you yourself find it negative and you then push it off on someone else you are in essence acting with negative intent. Negative intent comes in the form of your moral compass telling you that what you are about to do is wrong. Even when you morally feel that you are acting with the most positive of intents your moral compass may smack you and let you know it is wrong.

There in, I suppose, lies a catch twenty-two in my theory about the absence of "good" and "evil", "light" and "dark". Which also displays fairly well my belief of what is considered "karma". If you knowingly pass on negative intent be damned sure you are not going to regret it (this goes for positive intent as well!). Think long and hard about giving away your "demons" just for immediate peace now. In the long run how will you feel about such actions your moral compass reacts so passionately too? True "karma" comes from true regret. At the moment you perform any action, whether you deem it "good" or "evil" you know, in your heart of hearts, if you will regret it later. Just the tiniest inkling of regret guarantees you have inflicted suffering upon yourself. Pride is the humans biggest cause of regret, self suffering and in essence karma.

I feel like I am lecturing you so I will stop now. Know that I am not to certain many people agree with anything I am telling you and I could be completely wrong. However, no matter how wrong or right I am your heart knows what is true, your moral compass leads the way.

~TigressSky~

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