tigrissky: Tiger in Green Sea (Marilyn Monroe Goddess)

2017 quickly approaches, allowing a moment to reflect on the numerologically defined "9" this year has definitely been. I can only nod my head, in a form of acceptance and, perhaps a bit of appreciation, for the way it all played out. As a sort of initiation into the questionable form our human civilization is divisively taking towards becoming ...

Speaking of becoming; now is also a time to reflect upon the person I became in 2016. As well as postulate hopeful scenarios of the person I wish to become in 2017. How resolutely I succeed in accomplishing my "becoming" is affected directly by my willingness to change the reflections of that which "became" me.

artemis and apollo barry windsor smith.jpg

I am taken back six months, to a reflection from my birthday, of which the following seems relevant to share in order to understand my resolve for 2017.

"I am the artist of my truth, my wisdom, my experience and I do not intend to forget the pictures I have created along the way. Some of them bolder and louder than others. All of them a reflection of my creation myth.

A myth that started 39 years ago in a different time, in a different place. The history of which has ridden a wave of historic change in which I have had zero affect in shaping.

I am simply human. Part of a species advancing phenomenally as a whole. If such advancement, of a single species, to the detriment of so much around it, is to be considered a phenomenon. Which, even within my cynicism, I am left feeling is phenomenal. Knowing, in the grand scheme of the Universe, the Earth is but a tiny speck of dust, and the human species barely of microscopic consequence.

Yet, at the same time, we are the Universe experiencing itself. We are made of the stars, born of the sun and moon, birthed by an Earth mother that has created the perfect environment in which such a species can thrive. An environment in which we can learn, manipulate, and create through nothing more complex than a simple quiet moment in observance of nature.

It is in those silent moments that I am most grateful. Grateful for the experience becoming absolutely nothing more than a momentary microscopic breathe, on a cosmic speck of floating dust, in the vastness of a Universe I cannot even comprehend a minuscule fraction of, has granted me.

If you are reading this, it most likely granted me you.

No matter how briefly or incompletely I have loved and I have been loved. Unabashedly. Luckily. Sometimes even miserably. Only the Gods them self are able to comprehend, in one brief vision, the overall importance in such love."

On top of the vanity of the 20 pounds I vow to lose, this knowledge is what I vow to build from and upon in 2017.

To remain grateful for whatever amount of love for me exists in this world; in the hearts of those who keep me in their life, in whatever way they may choose to keep me.

To remain silent and observant to the nature of the world around me and the self that is developing within.

To attempt to paint some masterpieces worth remembering, even if they are heartbreaking, and most especially if they are love making!

To remember I am simply stardust, experiencing the Universe, as a form of life sculpted of the Mother known as Earth, guided by an invisible Father called Time; and, in spite of this travesty, I will continue to try and become more anyway!

Happy New Year!

With much love,

The Unknowns

Sat, Nov. 12th, 2016 17:55
tigrissky: Tiger in Green Sea (Marilyn Monroe Goddess)

I like it here, in the past. Where just the right song unleashes an energetic flood within. Where the ignorance of youth struts through the world carrying an invisible guarantee of future ownership. Where death is just an imagined scenario of attendance and guessing how many hearts will be broken. On good days that is. On bad days it is simply a struggle to discover reasons to bother staying. Trying to believe it is their jealousy and not your inadequacy that entices such behavior. If you were not about to be King you might just give up.

Perhaps Alzheimers will not be all that bad. Living here, if I can just keep remembering here, I can stay here. Right? Believing I am a little girl, out in the woods alone, the big bad wolf by my side and a Mighty Mouse at my beckon call. It will be beautiful. Except in the awake moments. Offered a reality of an unknown old woman staring at me in wonder. Not knowing how I got into this body, this room, surrounded by all these unknowns.

When did I end up so alien? Sitting upon this spec of dust brought to life by the eye of Apollo. I know I was born this way, not yesterday, yet I wasn't bought or sold this way. All those half baked ideas on the cover of magazines teaching me exactly what I never could be. Those were the always and never of everything I was promised I would be. If I just, if I just, if I just ... turn to dust.

All that can be afforded in a time none bare witness until some bare ignorance. Laying claim that she is in the river when we all know she is of the land. A Virgo to be precise; if you ever wonder why it is that I analyze. Everything and nothing in the lies.

To make sense of it all is, at times, the most tiring thing. Forced to predict the facts of the outcome desired. Preparing for the redemption of the choice before it is ever made. A ladies prerogative presented to enhance the darkness. Sometimes it is hit, sometimes it is miss. It all depends. Just how long can you hold your own against the antagonists hatred of self. Before reaching the moment of awaited failure certain to see your rage.

Yet maybe if I just turn the page. Or the volume up on this song and the next. I can remember riding the bus next to him. What it felt like to be Queen of the backseat with clothes on. His eyes speaking the truth of a broken heart. His lips professing such strength on his part. Letting me go.

Nowhere but here, in this moment, does it matter where I came from. You can stick tape on the ends of the cassette tape and record over it all. Playing the radio, collecting the songs you can't afford to buy. Pausing to skip the advertisements of a life never to be recorded in the history where anyone looks.

by TigrisSky
©November 12, 2016
tigrissky: Tiger in Green Sea (starbuck)
There is a whole cosmos in our eyes.

When we pass, the Universe leaves our body, and we can truly see the physical is just a shell of the being of eternity that we always are. We can witness this transformation distinctly through the eyes of the immediately deceased. As what once displayed to us the vastness of the Universe, of conscious, of the All at the core of us becomes void, an opaque globe that no longer holds attachment to eternity.

As I held Zen in my arms, in his final moments, I experienced this void of the Cosmos as the Universe left his eyes. I spent those moments looking intently into them and seeing the painful confusion of the last moments held inside his physical form. His body was shutting down; he was afeared and yet desperate for the end to come to him.

The beautiful Universe of his big blue eyes was held in a questioning pause. I pet his head, his paws, I held him close and whispered, "Everything is going to be alright. It is all going to be fine my fat cat, my prince. It's okay ... it's okay."

I wasn't certain if he was hearing me, feeling me, or if he was just scared and suffering. In a moment though, I knew he was with me. I stopped petting his paw and he immediately reached out to me with it. He pulled at my hand with his claws and then, like a kitten, he began kneading at it with whatever strength he had left.

I am not a big crier, yet the tears welled up from his acknowledging touch. I was looking down into his eyes still, and a small smile came to me at his touch. A touch that confirmed to me that, even though his gaze seemed so distant, he was there with me and I was a comforting presence.

Zen gasped twice within this exact same moment and then his eye suddenly became an opaque gloss, void of eternity, like the frosted window in a bathroom that protects you from others seeing in while you cannot see out.

He was gone and that well of tears escaped, falling upon his now lifeless form.

"He's dead." I mumbled at Floodplain. "We don't need to go any further. We can head home now."

During the final moments with him I should have just wrapped him up and sat outside holding him in the yard he loved so much. Instead I tried desperately to get to Dove Lewis, I just wanted to give him a shot so he wouldn't be in pain anymore. Yet all he really needed was to not be alone and I am so thankful to whatever forces lined up to allow for me to be there with him in the end. Even if our last moments together where in the passenger seat of a vehicle holding onto the false hope of a helpful destination we would never reach.

It isn't like in the movies, the body begins stiffening immediately and no matter how hard you try, you cannot get the eyes to shut.

Those eyes though ... the body was Zen as I remembered him looking, yet I knew he was no longer there. His eyes were simply empty of the Universe that held his experience of being.

In those eyes his disappearance was obvious, his death was not. Zen was simply no longer held inside the physical, he had simply left the home of body. How to explain the where of his being now, I don't have the right words, I do have the understanding of Universe though, of energy, of physics, of simply knowing that nothing truly ends it simply manifests into a new form; the primordial fire of life.

So it was I would return home and immediately begin preparing a fire pit to hold the memory of my prince, my Zen. He became the center of my hearth, the most important piece of home since antiquity. The most honored and noble of places, to gather, to love, to live, to experience and create ... the fire at the center of our hearts.

It has been four days since Zen passed, the only tears were in the moment described above. There is an emptiness that I don't want to refill. I showed his body to the other pets, so they wouldn't try looking for him. Strangely enough, as we dug the pit, everyone remained gathered around it, watching. I am not certain if they knew, or if they just knew I needed them, maybe both.

I sat into the dark, watching the flames, mostly in silence. Pants laying at my side, Floodplain sitting at the other. The Ladies even sat upon their outside perch and watched the fire, while Artemis lay upon stacked paver blocks observing from upon high. The crow that hangs out with me in my garden even joined in for a few moments.

It was peaceful ... and I miss him.



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