tigrissky: Tiger in Green Sea (starbuck)

I failed at this the past few years. Hell, if I really think about it, I probably fail at this often throughout my life. Who doesn't though?

One of the biggest pieces of self I am working on making changes to is my asshole, bitchy, "are you from the east coast", "she thinks she knows everything", "don't let her get involved or she will take over" image.

First step in fixing a problem is admitting there is a problem. Although none of the above statements are true about my "self" they are true in how others see and talk about me.

It took a lot of being torn down to accept this view from others as a problem I have. I realized a few things while becoming so torn down, one of the most important: I could see how I could be seen as a bully.


That piece of information really sliced into me. I mean come the fuck on, me, a bully? Me who wants to see everyone around me happy ALL THE TIME. Me who loves first, spends so much time worrying about equality, fairness, and justice for all. Me who learns and then remembers so much about everyone that I could turn every one of you, whom I love and care for -- especially those few of you whom have my heart -- into some of the most in depth characters in a novel that you could pick yourself out and hate (boo!) or love (yeah!) me for immortalizing you forever. This woman, me, whose truest problem in life is caring too much. I'm a fucking bully?

Yes, in some people's eyes I am and I have dove into and see their point. Even if they won't take even a moment to dig in and really see me. Though that is not their responsibility, it's mine. It is my responsibility to know who I am, to know how I am perceived, and to decide if the perception is worthy of change in me. In this case, I am changing.


So, here I am. As we learned in the last post, Death by Social Media, I am a-fucking-nnoying as hell and well, I figured out I was a bully before that. So ... weee I am so AWESOME!!!

This is not some new revelation by the by. All of this is relatively old news in the scheme of things. The bully revelation coming first and bringing with it a new mental disorder I hadn't really suffered properly before: anxiety.

For anyone who has never suffered anxiety, it is a fucking beast. Suddenly I was at festival with people whom I felt so comfortable with, no longer feeling comfort at all.

In my head I knew that I didn't need to have all these strange fears, but there they were. The more I tried to force myself to "get over them" the worse they got, and the more I felt unsafe and, worst of all, unloved and unwanted.

The teasing and taunting that came with the anxiety driven change I was going through made the flames of feeling unsafe, unloved, and unwanted rise ever higher. Everything was a trigger and everyone around me was pulling it -- seemingly unconcerned. Yet how could they know to be concerned, I was just different and they were just pointing it out, laughingly.

I tried talking to people about it, but that just made it worse. Only one person from my "inner circle" even bothered to talk to me like I wasn't a self-involved prick while I was trying to get through it.

That's the flood I am struggling through right now. All these people I love telling me, "you just don't care about me enough, you just don't make any effort to be with me, and therefore you just can't matter that much to me anymore." Some of them literally saying it and others just throwing hands up and walking away.

That sea of love ... I was definitely drowning in it. I am drowning in it. And I know it is all my fault.

No, that is not a whiny, annoying as hell, passive-aggressive bully looking for sympathy saying that either. That is just how it fucking is and I get it. No sympathy needed.

So, I'm terrible and I accept it. FREEDOM!

Bruce Lee - Soul

Sometimes when you are drowning you have to stop struggling. You have to push yourself up, take a deep breath, and take a new look at the world around you.

You have to discover what it is that still really matters to you. You have to discover what new interests you. Mostly you have to remember to love yourself, whomever your "self" is.

I have been working very hard, for the past few years, to not be an asshole anymore. Sometimes I slip up. Mostly though, it feels like I am making a true effort that is accountable with both action and words.

Like I always say, "walk your talk." If you are walking and talking and you come across something that makes you question that walk and that talk, take a moment and stop walking; stop talking. It may be that you discover that the question is invalid and move on, walking and talking as you ever were. Or, like the anxiety has shown me these past few years, you may discover that the question breaks down so much of your walk and talk that you have to learn how to change that walk and talk - or die trying.

So it is that I am relearning. So it is that I am deciding what is important, to me, to my soul, to love, to die for, etc. Unfolding my soul and trying to iron out all the wrinkles. It's beautiful in here, maybe someday others will see that beauty in me again, like so many use to. Mainly though, I work on seeing the beauty for myself. That is where the deepest of all love is. That is where many of us drown before ever getting out of the kiddie pool.

tigrissky: Tiger in Green Sea (starbuck)
tree of life

The first thing I thought when I saw this image was how much Foxx would love it! Then I thought about how much fun it would be to create a ritual around it. Ideas flowing ...

Then I took pause. Ritual? Yes, I love it. Want it. Desire to continue being an integral part in the design and purpose of them. Want to create whole weekends engulfed in the conceptionalization of the idea. Workshops. Activities. Food. Friends.

I'm not there anymore though. Ugh! I can't put into words how much losing that piece of me is hurting. I spent a long time wishing I knew what I could have done, could do, different. I have analyzed the shit out of it until it has made me sick. No more. Just breath and let it go ...

Yet can you see it to? The ritual in this image. The story of the world, creation, and the carrying of our own stories?

I can.

So maybe it is I conceptualize in writing from now on. Piecing together a portfolio of my ritual works and endeavors.

I love writing. I love ritual. So ... combine them?

My focus has moved to Ganesha also called Ganapati which I prefer currently due to the chant to him that I am focusing on.

When I think about it, every year around this time a new God comes to me. An archetype of humanity I have yet to understand - most of the time in myself.

Living in what can only be labeled as a modern day Rome lends easy to this type of yearly experience though. The melting pot is full of so much myth here it is impossible to not have it touch you in some way. It seems as if I have moved from study of the western myths and am on my way into eastern.

Yes, I'm still an atheist. An atheist who understands the importance of myth.


One thing that has come to me clearly is this message:

"Most people do not listen with the intent to understand. They instead listen with the intent to reply."

This is my new goal - listen to understand. Stop replying.

I do hope to find some who want to understand when I speak as well. I love to talk! Analyze. Solve problems. Create.

With how things have changed as of recent in my personal relationships, the hurt and longing I am left with especially, I am finding myself shutting back up. What else can I expect after spending the past few years in the throes of Death, the Devil, and Aphrodite?

It is simply that time.

What I know of all three of these Gods is that this is not an end. It is a reforming. Like a caterpillar in a chrysalis. Like a thorny bush sprouting a bud. Something will be awakening soon. My 'self' is shedding, like a snake, I grow as this old layer is removed.

Sidebar under the cut ... )

So it is, I lay coiled, shedding, holding my world together, wisdom and a thirst for knowledge as my guide, until the point I can release the energy and finally find the reward in this landslide my life has become.



tigrissky: Tiger in Green Sea (Default)

March 2017

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