I failed at this the past few years. Hell, if I really think about it, I probably fail at this often throughout my life. Who doesn't though?
One of the biggest pieces of self I am working on making changes to is my asshole, bitchy, "are you from the east coast", "she thinks she knows everything", "don't let her get involved or she will take over" image.
First step in fixing a problem is admitting there is a problem. Although none of the above statements are true about my "self" they are true in how others see and talk about me.
It took a lot of being torn down to accept this view from others as a problem I have. I realized a few things while becoming so torn down, one of the most important: I could see how I could be seen as a bully.
That piece of information really sliced into me. I mean come the fuck on, me, a bully? Me who wants to see everyone around me happy ALL THE TIME. Me who loves first, spends so much time worrying about equality, fairness, and justice for all. Me who learns and then remembers so much about everyone that I could turn every one of you, whom I love and care for -- especially those few of you whom have my heart -- into some of the most in depth characters in a novel that you could pick yourself out and hate (boo!) or love (yeah!) me for immortalizing you forever. This woman, me, whose truest problem in life is caring too much. I'm a fucking bully?
Yes, in some people's eyes I am and I have dove into and see their point. Even if they won't take even a moment to dig in and really see me. Though that is not their responsibility, it's mine. It is my responsibility to know who I am, to know how I am perceived, and to decide if the perception is worthy of change in me. In this case, I am changing.
So, here I am. As we learned in the last post, Death by Social Media, I am a-fucking-nnoying as hell and well, I figured out I was a bully before that. So ... weee I am so AWESOME!!!
This is not some new revelation by the by. All of this is relatively old news in the scheme of things. The bully revelation coming first and bringing with it a new mental disorder I hadn't really suffered properly before: anxiety.
For anyone who has never suffered anxiety, it is a fucking beast. Suddenly I was at festival with people whom I felt so comfortable with, no longer feeling comfort at all.
In my head I knew that I didn't need to have all these strange fears, but there they were. The more I tried to force myself to "get over them" the worse they got, and the more I felt unsafe and, worst of all, unloved and unwanted.
The teasing and taunting that came with the anxiety driven change I was going through made the flames of feeling unsafe, unloved, and unwanted rise ever higher. Everything was a trigger and everyone around me was pulling it -- seemingly unconcerned. Yet how could they know to be concerned, I was just different and they were just pointing it out, laughingly.
I tried talking to people about it, but that just made it worse. Only one person from my "inner circle" even bothered to talk to me like I wasn't a self-involved prick while I was trying to get through it.
That's the flood I am struggling through right now. All these people I love telling me, "you just don't care about me enough, you just don't make any effort to be with me, and therefore you just can't matter that much to me anymore." Some of them literally saying it and others just throwing hands up and walking away.
That sea of love ... I was definitely drowning in it. I am drowning in it. And I know it is all my fault.
No, that is not a whiny, annoying as hell, passive-aggressive bully looking for sympathy saying that either. That is just how it fucking is and I get it. No sympathy needed.
So, I'm terrible and I accept it. FREEDOM!
Sometimes when you are drowning you have to stop struggling. You have to push yourself up, take a deep breath, and take a new look at the world around you.
You have to discover what it is that still really matters to you. You have to discover what new interests you. Mostly you have to remember to love yourself, whomever your "self" is.
I have been working very hard, for the past few years, to not be an asshole anymore. Sometimes I slip up. Mostly though, it feels like I am making a true effort that is accountable with both action and words.
Like I always say, "walk your talk." If you are walking and talking and you come across something that makes you question that walk and that talk, take a moment and stop walking; stop talking. It may be that you discover that the question is invalid and move on, walking and talking as you ever were. Or, like the anxiety has shown me these past few years, you may discover that the question breaks down so much of your walk and talk that you have to learn how to change that walk and talk - or die trying.
So it is that I am relearning. So it is that I am deciding what is important, to me, to my soul, to love, to die for, etc. Unfolding my soul and trying to iron out all the wrinkles. It's beautiful in here, maybe someday others will see that beauty in me again, like so many use to. Mainly though, I work on seeing the beauty for myself. That is where the deepest of all love is. That is where many of us drown before ever getting out of the kiddie pool.