So yesterday I finally went to the eye doctor as my left eye is so bad Im having issues focusing and reading things now altogether. The eye doctor was a bit shocked, I think, at how bad my left eye really is. I was a bit shocked at the end with the overall diagnosis myself.

I have a small almost insignificant amount of deterioration in my right eye but my left eye is in desperate need of what I like to label a "coke bottle" prescription. It pretty much sees nothing but blur for everything and anything at all no matter how close or far it is from me. On top of this my left eye has a stigmatism. These issues are just the batter to the cupcake my left eye is baking. The icing on this cupcake is that my eyes dont line up which ensures I can never have contacts. Basically my left eye sees things down lower than my right. Because my left eye sees nothing but blur this misalignment has really not affected my vision over the years. However, the moment the left eyes vision is adjusted to see things correctly and in focus the disalignment of my eyes displays two, sometimes three, objects. Yes, this disalignment means I suffer from severe double vision. AWESOME! This is why I cant have contacts, just adjusting my vision via prescription to be focused does not adjust the misalignment. To adjust the misalignment they build the glass of your lenses with a prism that reflects the light and realigns the images your eyes are processing to ensure they line up. I have to say that the world of an opthamologist seems pretty damn cool to me. The technology is amazing. What we as humans can do to small pieces of glass is just mind boggling. Amazing or not, I dont want to wear glasses and so I pout.

I should pick up my new glasses in a couple weeks. I hope they are as awesome as the people helping me pick them out at the opthomolgists office made them out to be. :)

In other news I am suffering from pretty consistant and constant vertigo right now. It started Saturday morning. I woke up needing to pee and the moment I stood up the room started spinning in both directions at once, I got extremely dizzy quickly and I nearly just collapsed to the floor. I was thinking it was just that I was so tired and exhausted but even after I made it back to bed and laid down the spinning would not stop. I have not had an episode that bad again, but daily I have episodes now. Usually first thing in the morning things are pretty spinny and dizzy. Sitting at my desk my computer screen will start to spin and then pretty soon I feel like im spinning. At the gym once, while working out, I had to go get a mat and lay down because the room started spinning while I was on the treadmill.

I remember when I use to think having vertigo meant feeling dizzy. It is way worse than that. It is more like riding the tilt-a-whirl five times in a row and then getting off at the point you feel like puking. The world literally feels like it is spinning all around you and you just want to sit or lay down until it stops because you cant find your balance in all of that dizzy motion. In short it sucks!

This post got significantly longer as I babbled on and on through lunch, if you are interested follow on:
( processing, processing )

In short though, I am processing a lot and reorganizing, things are changing and Im trying, as JX would say, to "remain in motion".

~TigressSky~

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Not that Im having any form of writer's block, but this subject got me thinking so off on a tangent I go...

Who defines what is good-natured or bad-natured teasing anyway? The teaser or the teased? I suppose it is all in the eye of the beholder and what end of the spectrum you deem deserves your support more. Most often one sides with the recipient of the teasing and not the one dishing it out. There is some innate pride in human nature that sides protectively against injustice. For most of us a grieved person seems to be the one suffering from the injustice rather than the one dishing the suffering out.

Of course, there are quite often just as many times when the innate survival mode of humanity kicks in and even if your heart sides with the grieved your physical-self acts with the one causing grievous injury. Thus following the animal instinct to stick with the herd and push out the weak. The need to be popular, to be at the top of the pack, to not be pushed out oneself, will ultimately overwhelm the need to be just and fair.

So again I ask, who defines what is good-natured versus bad-natured teasing?

I have read some of the gut driven responses to this writer's block topic and I have to question if anyone has stepped outside of their own personal heart and admitted that they don't even know what good-natured teasing is? Like truth it is all in the eye of the beholder.

I take the stance that there is no good versus bad teasing that there is just teasing period the end.

What if the question addressed the actual definitive rather than trying to give an implied intent to it?

"Do you think teasing often goes too far?"

Would you answer this very new question differently? As it is now a question that no longer tries to give a positive intent to the definitive. What about the propagandized photo of the sad baseball playing boy that accompanies the question in an attempt pull at your heart strings. Does it tug a little stronger at them when you take away the implied positive intent of the definitive? What changes for you when the boy is now simply being teased rather than being teased with a good-natured intent?

For me this question actually connects to the root of a piece of human egotism that I feel is destroying our species; focused equality. No, I am not talking about the type of focus on equality that has lead to several civil rights movements. I am instead talking about the off-shot twisted dichotomy the ideal of equality has managed to tangle itself into. This need to make everything equal in such a way that there is no longer any reward for hard work nor discipline for lack there of. An ideal that no one is special or more deserving than anyone else - ever. An ideal that has spawned a need to do our best to guarantee any systems that exists that celebrates achievements be destroyed, so as to spare the feelings of those whom did not meet the standards of said system.

We are moving towards, and, in some places are already at these stations of destroyed analysis. We no longer grade our students, we no longer have an honor role, we have stopped keeping score in sports, etc., etc. - all for the ideal that everyone is special and everyone is equal and no one is better than anyone else, or can achieve better than anyone else.

This is such utter drivel.

Yes, many of these systems we set standards by are outdated and judgmental, however, rather than updating the system to reflect a new set of standards, or even taking the time to create new ones, we decide to just destroy them. We look to just get rid of anything that forces a person to work hard and possibly suffer in order to excel.

Teasing happens to be a natural human instinct driven system. We cannot destroy this system as it is animalistic in nature; and, therefore we are instead trying to control it. We label, define and set-up it's echelon. We provide it with a notion of positive and negative. All with the ideal that we can judge and define when it is allowed and when it is not. In essence, setting up a standard of abuse that can be labeled 'okay' to commit.

Is it really okay, ever? Even as we define it to be? As noted above, the very ability to define it is questionable itself, and quite often the authority to do so is owned by the majority and the majority tend to be the one(s) leading the taunt?

Or maybe the better question is; how does one truly set definitions and limitations to human nature? How does one label what is and isn't okay for a human's very own nature?

All teasing crosses lines and provides a level of sting. That’s the nature of it, regardless of the good or bad intent of the one doing the teasing. I think the true issue exists in our attempts to define and label when teasing is good and when it is bad. Not, as is suggested by this very question, in looking at the intent of the teaser as it contrasts to the perception of the teased, and, if the teaser has 'gone too far'. The very act of teasing suggests that the teaser is willing to step over a line, thus they have already 'gone too far'.

When I think back on the hardships of my life and the amount of teasing I have gone through it is enormous and if it were given cash value I am sure it could pay-off the National Debt. I do not think I could describe it all in an average book; nor do I think I can remember and recall it all in the varied forms it presented and presents itself to me throughout life.

I have seen and heard things from others who make the teasing that happened in my life appear as barely a drop in the bucket of what teasing can be. Most of whom have become and continue to become the most amazing people.

At the same time I have seen some whom have gone ballistic, bringing guns to schools, work and the streets to let loose a torment that matches the sting of the tease. Their actions driven by the societal need to set an echelon on the quality and types of teasing allowed. The focused equality spreading like butter on the bread of instant gratification, making them believe such actions are okay - as okay as the very teasing that lead them here.

The more we try and sterilize our lives to the adversities they contain the more we enable an inability to deal with them; thus creating extreme and disproportionate actions in which to do so.

Teasing is one of the most constant adversities we will face in life. We should stop trying to sterilize it and start trying to learn from it.

So, the simple answer to this questions is, yes, sometimes teasing seems to go to far as it always crosses some sort of line and, by it's very nature, will hurt someone’s feelings. However, in the long run, the teasing aids us to learn to cope with and move through life's adversities. How we learn to handle our actions and reactions to such adversity is what really matters in shaping and defining our very lives. Therefore teasing is important to the very growth of our beings.

~TigressSky~

The following is a real conversation I had today. A lot of weird revelations poured out of me.

~TigressSky~

---------

JX – Did you sleep last night?

Me – No. Up til 2 am again. *sigh*

JX – Whats all this anxiety you have built inside?

Me – I don’t know that it is anxiety. I don’t know what it is. Im happy and always busy. I am surrounded by friends that love me. Even if I lost everything I had that sustains me I would never go without or be left on the streets because of just this. Yet I cant shake this constantly alone and unworthy feeling. Which makes me feel like a jerk because I do have so much and I have no real right to complain. So then I beat myself up for ever complaining and I never talk to anyone about it because of the stupidity I place on it so it cycles and festers and I write. I write incoherent poetry and share so people cant really get anything but they get just enough to see my discontent.

JX - Wow. You are not being very nice to you are you? You should show yourself the same love and respect you give away to anyone else.

Me – I hold myself to a strict honor code. Its demanding but it makes me respect who I am. But yes I am very demanding of me. Hence why one of my biggest fantasies is to lay in arms I know are safe and just sleep knowing I can be non-demanding for awhile because whoever those arms are attached to will let me. Silly really, I should just let myself.

JX – Yes that’s true.

Me – Hmmm, I don’t know why I think I need permission. And at the same time whoever I thought could grant me permission would have to be very strong and extremely trustworthy.

JX - You deserve love and truth. You deserve it.

Me – Thanks for saying so. I wrote a thing about love to myself last night. Something about how love is like a xmas present you cant open. You can know exactly what it is, exactly whats its like. You can experience it fully but you can never open it.

JX - *silence*

Me – The Xmas reference was not meant to be negative though. Its an analogy I created that helped me understand how I allow myself to experience the emotions I deem as love without setting an expectation on the other person to be met or received. In essence allow myself to be and feel rather than project and expect. If that makes any sense…

JX – *continued silence*

Me – I hope I didn’t freak you out with my babble? You asked and no matter what the consequences I will always answer truthfully.

JX – Its fine. I wish I had more answers for you. I do think you are not allowing yourself to open and enjoy your presents.

Me – I have no expectations for you to have answers but it does make me happy that you wish you had some. Im simply sharing because you asked and for some reason I trust you. Why do you say you do not think I am allowing myself to open my presents?

JX – You are very locked up inside yourself.

Me - You are probably right. I just don’t want anyone to ever feel like I have expectations of them to be more to me than they always have been – themselves. Somehow whenever I express my feelings people tend to want to live up to these grand expectations they set for themselves in order to be there for me that I myself never set or expected of them. And if they cant live up to these expectations they set then they do one of two things: 1-blame me for their inability to meet my unrealistic expectations that I never had but they don’t seem to realize that or 2-they leave/give-up.

JX – Harsh.

Me – Sorry, now I really am babbling and processing things to you that you didn’t really ask about. Now you know how I drive myself so crazy though. Ha ha ha!

So, its getting close to that time of year again. In fact in 2 days most of us are going to be sitting together with friends and family, enjoying those we love and cherish, sharing the nourishment of "harvest" and love.

It is also that time of year when the self-righteous attack the holiday left and right. Ranting and raving about the autrocities the Native Americans suffered at the hands of the evil white man and how this Holiday is a farce. To those people I raise my middle finger and wave a big fuck you! You miss the point ALL TOGETHER, but whatever really right?

I notice the people who cant comprehend the deep meaning of Thanksgiving are the same ones whose journals and blogs I read and cringe at as they are ONLY filled with PAGE AFTER PAGE of negativity and focus on how WONDERFULLY more enlightened and intelligent they are then the rest of the fucking idiots in the world, even on their friends lists. They spend so much time talking down to their friends I wonder if they even care to notice who their friends are. I dont understand how these people even have friends honestly? Who wants to hang out with someone so self-righteous and full of negativity? I dont.

Thanksgiving is as much a celebration of the autrocities the "white man" placed upon the Natives as McDonalds is the everyday drive-thru celebration of the overly healthy Americans.

Yes, what happened to the Natives is horrible and unconscionable to any sane mind. Yet stating that the celebration of Thanksgiving has anything to do with the negatives of those autrocities suffered AFTER the first Thanksgiving is proposterious and nothing more then hypocrisy uttered by people who dont give a damn about it the other 364 days of the year.

Thanksgiving is about a people who saw and knew that there where others in need. A people who knew little to nothing about these strange new people in trouble and yet still went out of their way to help them. A people who did not let fear, greed and ignorance overcome their ability to help a fellow man and a stranger to boot! Thanksgiving is about a group of people taking from their own and quite possibly putting themselves out entirely at the same time. Its about a people who know all of the above and yet they still gave. It is about a people, whose traditions are of giving and recognizing the connection of humanity and nature ALWAYS.

So the next time you want to run amuck tauting your supreme thoughts on the horrible holiday that is Thanksgiving remember you yourself are destroying the ONLY Holiday in which we are celebrating everything these peoples represent. Think about that as you spout how they have no dignity and nothing anymore and how this holiday just rapes them more. Think about the fact you are making out what they did for helpless strangers to be negative and the very thought of celebrating it an autrocity. YOU and your self-righteous need to always focus on the negative in the world which ultimately assists you in tauting your holier-than-thou attitude on a regular basis. You kind of remind me of the "white-man" who took it all away in the end. You know, the ones who FORGOT the meaning of Thanksgiving as they broke every treaty they ever signed.

Stupid Fuckers!

~TigressFuckingHatesMoronsSky~

UPDATED: 3:15 pm

Im taking classes on ICD-10 coding. In short this where they take the Cause of Death information listed on the Death Certificate, (for example Cancer) and give it a numeric code that makes it statistically identifiable. So, (not that this is the correct number at all) lets say you die of lung cancer it would get coded as 345 and that equates to lung cancer.

This ICD-10 coding is mandated and created by the World Health Organization and, as I have found with all Public Health Data based on the Certificates of Vital Events (Birth, Death, Marriage, Divorce and Abortion), is a very trustworthy source.

There is a way to code with what is called Adaptions to the ICD-10. These are not International recognized because they are not YET part of the ICD-10 coding. These Codes are denoted with an * leading them. For example in 1987 they added *42 - *42 for HIV since it was relatively new and had not yet been added to the ICD-10 Codes.

Well, my point here is this:

In 2001, after 9/11 the United States added Cause of Death Codes for TERRORISM. These are denoted as *U01 - *U03 and rigbht now, all of our troops being killed off in Iraq are dieing from, you guessed it, Terrorism related Cause of Death. For example Gunshot Wound Caused by Terrorism or (yes this is actually listed) Crushed by an Airplane in Terrorism.

Yeah, we arent responsible at all. Its those darn Terrorists.

The next time you here statistics related to Terrorist related Cause of Death rememeber this little fact and take it with a grain of salt. Because now that those Codes are available not just the U.S. is using them.

Also, the only one who is allowed to determine if a Cause of Death is related to Terrorism or not is the FBI. Yes, thats right, the Medical Certifier or Examiner has no say as to the relation of the Underlying Cause (aka Crushed by a Plane) being related to Terrorism or not. The FBI determines this. The FBI who doesnt have any legal say normally suddenly is involved with Death Certificates.

I hope that the WHO denies adding coding in regards to Cause of Death being Terrorism. How sad is all this?

~TigressSky~

Integrity: 1. Strict adherence to a standard of value or conduct. 2. Personal honesty and independence. 3. Completeness: unity. 4. Soundness.

People change and through change they either grow or stagnate and resist, even though the change is continuing none the less. Im going to focus on change and growth and not discuss stagnation in the following; I hope.

The growth that occurs is based on how one flows with or within the change. Sometimes however, one chooses to flow by parroting the change, soaking it up and actually changing to try and meet/match the change. Wanting so bad to just hurry and change that they themselves can see nothing but themselves and what they are going through. Thus, leading to a strictly selfish and self-centered focus.

A person parroting a change mindlessly squawks, "I have changed, I am different, I am better, I am whole." One can listen to them speak of how wonderful they are now that they have changed, how much better their life is, how complete and whole they are. They never stop to question that if this is such why do they have such a need to enforce and reinforce what should be obvious fact? Why can they not simply live representing the intergrity they speak so highly of being filled with in their life?

I have witnessed change at this level cyclically and have myself gone through it. One cycling in this change spats out at those who dont enforce their new found self. They begin judging those around them who show the least bit of concern for the brash unsound gibberish they suddenly represent their life is full of. They become paranoid and full of an inflated sense of self-worth. Suddenly they are too good for those they use to regard in high esteem and they surround themselves protectively with those who will agree with and support their new found self. New people, whom never knew them before and they began grasping desperately at this change. Those who will simply support fully who they are now and would never present them with concerns and observations that could make them face the emptiness in the mirror before them. Those who dont realize the mirror is empty because they take at face value the person before them.

The person in this cycle finds within the new people more that they themselves can change into. Not only do they begin parroting change, but they also begin parroting these people. Quoting them verbatim in conversations. Using ideals of these new found friends as if they came up with them on their own. As if they are learning all these lessons by experiencing life, not just parroting it.

You typically see this type of change grasping in young children, sometimes teens. They have not had a chance to figure out their own inner-self yet and are grasping wildly to grow and change. Children have a natural need to mimic and learn from those whom they hold in high regard. It is a natural way to build ones true self. This is why the "it takes a village to raise a child" adage is so important. The more ways a child can find to handle things in their life the easier adaptation to finding their own way they will have. Soon, they will learn to flow with and within change. They will learn there is no need to rush their way into change and that there is no need to mimic and parrot it.

Some adults however repeat this cycle throughout their life. Never fully able to move past the need to find themselves and be themselves and yet all the while they are simply being and finding out what it is like to be those they have placed around theirself. Each time they learn something new, some new way to handle things in their life. Like a constant chameleon they echo their new found change and force it upon others. Selfishly thinking that they are somehow changed, somehow more whole and somehow worthy of everyones attention.

Arguing as a sport? Systems Analyst as a career? Umm, yeah thats me.

~Tig~



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About the ENTP Expert Quotes & Links

"ENTPs are idea people. Their perceptive abilities cause them to see possibilities everywhere. They get excited and enthusiastic about their ideas, and are able to spread their enthusiasm to others. In this way, they get the support that they need to fulfill their visions"
- Portrait of an ENTP (The Personality Page)

"It is so natural for these individuals to practice devising gadgets and mechanisms, that they start doing it even as young children. And they get such a kick out of it that they really never stop exercising their inventive bent"
- The Portrait of the Inventor Rational (Keirsey)

"ENTPs are usually verbally as well as cerebrally quick, and generally love to argue--both for its own sake, and to show off their often-impressive skills... argument as a sport."
- ENTP Profile (TypeLogic)

"ENTPs contribute an innovative, versatile, and enterprising approach to work. They view limitations as challenges to be overcome and look for new ways to do things. They need to find a niche for themselves in order to be free to maneuver. They prefer the start-up phase of a project rather than the followthrough or maintenance phase. Once the project is designed, they prefer to turn it over to someone else."
- ENTP - The Innovator (Lifexplore)

"...attention seeking, experience junky, insensitive, adaptable, not easily offended, messy, carefree, dangerous, fearless, careless..."
- Jung Type Descriptions (ENTP) (similarminds.com)


Famous ENTPs

Real ENTP People

Alexander the Great - king, military commander
Alfred Hitchcock - filmmaker (The Birds)
Celine Dion - singer
David Spade - actor, comedian
George Carlin - comedian, actor, author
James A. Garfield - American President
John Adams - American President
John Candy - comedian, actor
Julia Child - chef, author, TV personality
Lewis Carrol - author (Alice in Wonderland)
Marilyn Vos Savant - author, lecturer, playwright
Matthew Perry - actor (Friends)
Nikola Tesla - inventor, physicist, engineer
Richard Feynman - physicist
Rodney Dangerfield - comedian, actor
Rutherford B. Hayes - American President
Sir Walter Raleigh - writer, poet, explorer
Suzanne Pleshette - actress
Theodore "Teddy" Roosevelt - American President
Thomas Edison - inventor
Tom Hanks - actor
Valerie Harper - actress
Walt Disney - filmmaker, entrepreneur
Weird Al Yankovic - musician (satire/parody)

Fictional ENTPs (Characters)

Bugs Bunny - Looney Tunes
Cosmo Kramer - Seinfeld
Dr. Emmett 'Doc' Brown - Back to the Future
Ed - Cowboy Bebop
Mercutio - Romeo and Juliet
Polly Prince - Along Came Polly
Q - James Bond
Q - Star Trek: The Next Generation
Shirley Feeney - Laverne & Shirley
Wile E. Coyote - Road Runner (Looney Tunes)

ENTP Career Matches

ENTPs are often happy with the following jobs which tend to match well with the Originator/Intellectual personality.

Actor
Artist
Comedian
Computer Analyst
Computer Programmer
Consultant
Designer
Engineer
Entrepreneur
Inventor
Journalist
Lawyer/Attorney
Marketer
Musician
Photographer
Politician
Psychiatrist
Psychologist
Public Relations
Sales Representative
Scientist
Systems Analyst
Writer

More ENTP Information
Visit these recommended ENTP profile pages for more information.

Portrait of an ENTP
http://www.personalitypage.com/ENTP.html

The Portrait of the Inventor Rational
http://www.keirsey.com/personality/ntep.html

TypeLogic ENTP Profile
http://www.typelogic.com/entp.html

ENTP - The Innovator
http://www.geocities.com/lifexplore/entp.htm

ENTP Personal Growth
http://www.personalitypage.com/ENTP_per.html ENTP Relationships
http://www.personalitypage.com/ENTP_rel.html

Careers for ENTP Personality Types
http://www.personalitypage.com/ENTP_car.html

ENTP Personality Types
http://www.teamtechnology.co.uk/mb-types/entp.htm

ENTP Facts
http://www.discoveryourpersonality.com/entp.html

ENTP - Jung Type Descriptions
http://similarminds.com/jung/entp.html

Self-righteousness, is, in my opinion rampantly destroying our world, our countries, our cities and more importantly our communities. Self-righteousness decrees what is morally right and acceptable and is typically enforced by an un-moral majority. Sometimes though self-righteousness simply comes about as a means to throw about the sudden power one finds themselves weilding. Like Prometheus giving Man fire and with this power we now have the Atomic Bomb. Were we not happier as Human Beings when we new what it meant to value and work with each other despite our differences? Maybe Prometheus' punsihment is well deserved. Maybe the Gods were correct in never giving us power. They knew we would not only kill them off with this power, but we in fact would kill ourselves off in the end. The most evolved of their creations and all we can do is flaunt about our self-righteousness and laugh as we destroy those around us. Which in turn destroys our communities, our cities, our countries and our world. Fucking environmentalists trying to work from the top down. Forget saving each other lets save this frog, lets save this tree, lets save this bacteria. We can't even respect each other, we cant even save each other, how in the hell are we going to save and respect a snail, a whale, a bush or a whole fucking forest?

Jamie Kilstein says it best when dealing with our self-righteousness:

"Some children would rather not grow-up in the hell you create just so you can avoid the hell you made up."

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Yes, I know this video is on one topic, Abortion, but doesn't the self-righteousness of this one topic and the destruction it brings really equate to the ultimate destruction our own self-righteousness inflicts everyday.

Think about it.

~TigressSky~

Okay lets just pretend you really want all the gory details and Im gonna give them to you. Or maybe we can pretend I dont want to forgot how horrible this experience was. Whichever one, its your imagination use it.

I couldn't sleep at all. I know I did though because I kept having dreams of my Gynocologist. He kept telling me I was wasting my time and money and if I didnt want to go I didnt have to. I wanted him to say he was 100% sure, but he couldnt, so I told him I had to go. He held me and talked to me and I cant remember anything he was saying. What I do remember is how good it felt to be held. In my dream he knew I needed to be held and he didnt make a big deal of it or try and offer it he just grabbed me to him and held me.

I got up and showered taking my time and blasting my 30 Seconds to Mars A Beautiful Lie CD. I could give a flying fuck about the neighbors. I just needed something loud. Something loud that would make me focus on anything besides the fear. Right now Jared has become my new Rob. The Kill my new Push. Everything Im going through right now Jared and Shannon have put to music. I cant explain how important this is to me in any other way...yet once again I digress.

I sat down after getting ready and took the time to see if anyone had seen my LJ and what I was about to go do. FGM had responded and very kindly said "you may suffer some discomfort." That was the understatement of the year.

I arrived a half hour early and checked in just as quickly. I sat there zoned out reading a girly magazine and laughing at the fucking unimportant questions people actually ask, the perfect example of this, "Can I wear dangle earrings with short hair?" Oh humanity, you have done me wrong. BLUCK!

They called me and I immediatly thought, "shit already?"

I was left in a small changing room where I put on a gown the whole community could have fit under with me and I laughed. At one point while I was getting naked I stood in front of the full length mirror and saw myself and said, "yeah Id fuck her she is hot." Then I sat in the giant gown in the small dressing room and waited. Again though the wait didnt seem long enough.

The two nurses were great and I put on my shield and laughed and joked with them. They were glad I was so calm. I was impressed I seemed so calm.

"So, here is what will happen," said the first nurse as she pointed to the tray of tools. "First she will insert this plastic speculum so she can view your cervix. Then she will use this betadyne solution and these two large cotton swabs to clean your cervix. This will probably feel a little weird, kinda like a pap smear. Next she will take this tube, which has a catheter attached and insert it into your cervix. At this point it will probably feel like cramping, like you get when you start your period. Then she will remove the speculum and we will have you move to the center of the table and she will begin injecting the dye and we will take pictures. The injection will feel like more cramps and will be even more crampy for you because you only have one tube, therefore the dye will be forced to try and move out only one side and stay inside your uterus longer. Any questions?"

I didnt have any. Let me be honest here folks I had an abortion at 16, I had an ectopic pregnancy that exploded and they removed my right tube, I have had a miscarriage and I have had my appendix rupture, be removed and then sat in the hospital with perintinitis for a week and spent a good three years recovering from having constant pain in my abdomen and I still get pain there frequently. I also spent 8 hours getting a tattoo that covers the majority of my back. I really was NOT afraid of any possible pain. Ive felt the pain in that area, Ive had my cervix opened and a D&C done. My fear didnt stem from pain, it was from everything I was about to find out with this. What would this show, what would this mean, did I really want to know and on and on and on.

SexyPinkLips told me to bring her along. She told me these things are painful. She told me she or Foxx would come. And at 7:30 this morning I almost called, but I realized they couldnt make it here in time and I wish I would have now. I was so scared I almost messaged HotRunnerBoy just so I didnt have to go alone.

As I drove to the imaging center I thought about doing it alone. About heading there by myself. I felt more lonely than I have in a long, long time. I also said to myself, "the likely hood that if you were to decide to go through with this (this being pregnancy and raising a child or children) you would go through this alone is so high that maybe it is no coinicidence that you go through this alone too." That logic helped quite a bit, even when I sat there in that room, in that over sized gown, now reading Latina Magazine and trying to understand the Spanish ads, it seemed to help.

Then they called my name. Nothing seemed to help anymore.

As the Doctor came in and I lay back and she explained once again what exactly was going to happen I relaxed. I breathed deeply and the speculum was inserted. She swabbed. Then she inserted the catheter and the pain was extreme. I grabbed the nurses hand next to me and tears squeezed out the corner of my eye as I mumbled, "ow, ow, ow" and the nurses got me to focus back on my breathing.

I thought that was it that she had inserted everything. I was wrong, inside the catheter was a smaller catheter tube and that had to go inside farther. "This one she shouldn't even notice."

BULLSHIT! I squeezed the nurses hand harder and closed my eyes and tried to focus on breathing but it hurt so bad and I was already so scared the pain just made it worse. I breathed wrong, the type of breathing that makes your body want to pass out or puke, one or the other. And then I realized this wasn't even the worst of it. I realized the dye was coming next and I felt more tears stream down my face.

"Okay now you have to move and lay flat on the table."

I focused on doing what I was told, the pain was so intense but I told the Warrior in me to move her ass and she fucking did. I lay flat and the nurse stood behind me holding my hand while the other nurse ran to the X-ray machine.

"Okay Im injecting the dye now."

I thought I was going to FUCKING DIE! Unlike normal women the dye built up in my uterus, it only had one side to poor out of so it simply built up and created so much pressure in me. I imagine that the first bits of labor Turtle started having felt like this. My gods the fucking pain.

I squeezed the nurses hand tight, I continued to breath wrong, tears spilled, but I wasnt crying, "Im gonna puke or pass our or ow it hurts, please stop." The nurse offered to get a cold rag for my head and at that exact moment the doctor said, "okay injecting more dye" and the pain shot through me again and I grabbed her hand and more tears and I said, "dont go, dont go."

And more dye and 5 pictures later and she finally removed the catheter and the pain didnt stop. The cold compress was put on my head and my fingers tingled so bad from lack of oxygen I couldnt feel anything with them anymore. I lay there in pain, tears stopping, trying to breath right and instead just cramping up so bad I wanted to puke.

I sat up and the doctor showed me the picture and said, "your left side works perfect. No scars, no nothing. At least you get good news after all of that." And I wanted to smile and be happy but all I could think was, "Im gonna die, this pain is going to kill me."

I stood up and went to get dressed and I could not control my breathing and the pain just kept rushing through my body as my uterus tried to determine what the hell it was suppose to be doing with all that dye in it. I looked in the full length mirror and I have NEVER been so pale in my life. I was so white my lips were blue and my black hair stood out like a sore thumb. Hot pale goth chick was I.

I went to the restroom and felt some of the dye leak out. I was bleeding a bit and used the pad they gave me.

I got in my car and tried to focus. I put on Eve 6 as loud as I could, I tried to concentrate on anything else but the pain. I didnt think it was ever going to stop. I was going to call work but the pain was unbearable. I was going to call Turtle but the pain was unbearable. I drove onto I-84 and got stuck in the worst traffic EVER and just screamed "holy fuck I just want to go home!"

Then I looked down and there was the necklace SexyPinkLips had gotten me for my birthday and I touched it, and the pain calmed down. I let go and blinked a bit and the pain returned. So, I grabbed the necklace in my hand and the pain calmed down a bit. So, I put it on. Within 10 minutes the pain had subsided. By the time I got home it was gone and I decided to get my holiday food shopping done before heading back to work. Then I walked to work.

And now I sit here 4 hours later, still with cramps, wearing the necklace, but with no pain. Thanks lady.

Oh, and my observation is thus, if that is what cramps really felt like we would all fucking have hysterectomys after or before our first period and the way we worship and adore women who have children now, well, you would truly be a Goddess on Earth in everyones mind for being able to endure that fucking pain for a week every fucking month. FUCK ME THAT WAS NOT CRAMPS!

Also, my second round of STD testing came back today ALL CLEAR! I just got off the phone with the Doctor who said, "you can have babies and you have no STD's." What the fuck ever. I dont know how worth it this pain was right now, but two rounds of happy news and my closest friends hanging out with me tomorrow. Fuck the pain, life is good.

~TigressHolyShitThatWasPainfulSky~

Short Report - Personal Portrait
for TigressSky, born on 1 June 1977

Text by Robert Pelletier,
Copyright © Astrodienst AG 2006

Introduction

Sun in Gemini, Moon in Sagittarius • Ascendant in Libra, Venus in the Seventh House • Pluto Conjunct Ascendant • Moon in the Third House • Venus in the Seventh House • Sun in the Ninth House • Saturn in the Eleventh House

As you read your short report, or any other astrological report, keep in mind that the energies interpreted here are your birth potentials. However, you may or may not choose to actualize these energies in the manner described. Your age, sex, socio-economic situation, education, environment, level of development, and many other factors contribute to the ways in which you express your natal energies. Remember, the planets do not compel you to do or be anything. They influence you, but you still have the free will to determine your own life. Partner references which may occur in the text are set for a relationship with a man.

The report was generated with the following birth data: Female, born on 1 June 1977 at 3:00 pm in Portland, Oregon.

Your sun sign is Gemini. This is the sign in which the Sun is in your birth chart. Your Ascendant is in Libra, and your Moon is in Sagittarius.

Explanation

Sun in Gemini, Moon in Sagittarius

You were born with the Sun in Gemini and the Moon in Sagittarius. Your individuality appears intellectual, while your personality tends to be emotional. Inwardly you are intelligent and dynamic, and your mind is active. Your keen intellect is given to theoretical ideas and mental speculation.

If you could live as you pleased, it would be a nomadic, gypsy sort of existence, totally free to experience new situations and people. In your daily affairs, others see you as restless and unsettled.

In dealings with others you are sincere and, unless extremely pressed by circumstances, totally straightforward. Others regard you as a vibrant person. You display a tremendous interest in philosophy and religion, and enjoy developing your own functional ideas.

The key to a better integration of your being is to harmonize your inner self, which is primarily intellectual, with your personality, which is more emotional.

Ascendant in Libra, Venus in the Seventh House

At the time of your birth the zodiacal sign of Libra was ascending in the horizon. Its ruler Venus is located in the seventh house.

This denotes a life in which the native adopts an attitude which is courteous, kind, and affectionate.

People with Libra Ascendant are basically motivated by feeling and emotion rather than intellectuality. Your life will demonstrate your keenness of observation, and a tendency to effect comparisons largely of an aesthetic nature. You will not display too much energy in your actions and, therefore, there is a tendency toward following routine and the lines of the least resistance. You are a sympathetic person who seeks the approval of others and is also very adaptable. Your intuition is remarkable and you derive sensual gratification from engaging in social intercourse, by loving all social aspects of life.

If you do not control this tendency to be so involved in human relationships, you may become too attached and over dependent.

Some restlessness, changeability and lack of persistence is noted in your life. Your main feature is that of constantly favoring the fusing of two things or people together.

Unfortunately, this involvement with harmonizing and adjusting people to one another, tends to make the native a little unrealistic and lacking in action. You will be, however, easy going and congenial, socially oriented and preoccupied with adornments, clothing, social conventions, standards, and aesthetics. In love, if you cause the relationship to be a serious one, you will find that the affair is the consequence of your own interest in flattering yourself rather than to satisfy any profound emotion.

Professionally, you will be inclined to activities which require a high degree of culture and even artistic knowledge.

First of all this position denotes that you are very much an extrovert; your life is geared toward the successful realization of human relationships; your destiny also suggests here that by properly absorbing from others those qualities you lack you will be complying with your highest spiritual duties.

Marriage or a love relationship should be a happy one with an attractive and very pleasing partner. With his help and assistance, it is very possible that you will achieve total financial and social success.

Pluto Conjunct Ascendant

The conjunction of Pluto to the Ascendant means that you have the power to determine the kind of world that can be constructed from its available resources.

You can play an important role in urging the public to eliminate the parasites who cause decaying social conditions and the depraved human qualities that lead to them. Because you speak and conduct yourself with authority, no one dares dismiss you as a troublesome critic. You are not easily aroused to taking action unless the situation is serious. If it is, you will use every trick you can devise to compel those responsible to take the actions that are necessary to restore order from chaos.

In general you know what you want out of life and are ready to make any investment in talent and effort to realize your goals.

Choose your adversaries with care, or you could antagonize someone who would deal violently with you. You tend to bring out the worst qualities in people.

Moon in the Third House

The Moon appears in the third house at the time of your birth Your intellect is very sensitive to external events always changing and adjusting to the situation.

Memory is strong and of a pictorial nature. The mind, however, is liable to become too subjective and shallow with an overemphasis on superficial learning and with little practical use or lacking in intellectual sensibility. On the favorable side, there exists a vast reservoir of creativity which could be successfully applied to such pursuits as writing and poetry. Physically, the Moon will give you an intensely active life full of changes, mobility and fluctuations.

The demands of this position are simple: exert yourself in acquiring better control of your unstable and persistent imagination, increasing, thereby, powers of concentration and you will find delightful improvements not only at a mental level, but also in the ability to communicate with others more realistically.

Venus in the Seventh House

Venus was found in your seventh house at the time of birth. Regarding marriage and other intimate relationships this is one of the best influences existing. You have been promised a happy relationship with a very attractive, lovely, and pleasing person. You have the potential to derive both emotional and financial gain through this connection.

Your individuality is thrust toward the environment and this will lead to happiness as well as a psychological compensation for any disabilities. In your interaction with other human beings, there will be harmonious relationships.

You will achieve balance through sentimental affection, aesthetics, art, and relationships.

Sun in the Ninth House

The Sun was found in the ninth house at the time of birth. This is an indication that your real self possesses an attraction to higher levels of thought. Additionally, this indicates that the most important realizations may come through the process of pure reasoning.

You will tend to grow through the workings of your higher mind where you may find, after much striving, the creative principle and the power of self-expression.

You possess a rather austere mind which is fearless, self-confident and keenly analytical.

Regarding life events, you will be inclined to obtain success in subjects connected with law, religion, and possibly foreign lands.

Saturn in the Eleventh House

Saturn was found in the eleventh house at the time of birth. Psychologically, this denotes a rather hidden and limited view of your personal ambitions, your friendships, and of your future. You're very ambitious, cautious, just, patient, responsible, but perhaps, too serious.

You're an individual with few friends and even there you may find that some of them will assist you with advice rather than with actual help in times of peril.

The Birth Chart Data

Astrological Data used for Short Report - Personal Portraitfor TigressSky(female)
born on 1 June 1977 local time 3:00 pm
in Portland, OR (US) U.T. 22:00
122w41, 45n31 sid. time 06:30:20

Planetary positionsplanet sign degree motion
Sun Gemini 11°16'09 in house 9 direct
Moon Sagittarius 12°09'21 in house 3 direct
Mercury Taurus 17°12'38 in house 8 direct
Venus Aries 26°15'43 in house 7 direct
Mars Aries 26°51'27 in house 7 direct
Jupiter Gemini 13°04'08 in house 9 direct
Saturn Leo 12°13'29 in house 11 direct
Uranus Scorpio 8°28'52 in house 2 retrograde
Neptune Sagittarius 14°52'17 in house 3 retrograde
Pluto Libra 11°30'15 in house 1 retrograde
True Node Libra 23°22'27 in house 1 retrograde

House positions (Placidus)Ascendant Libra 5°44'02
2nd House Scorpio 1°25'28
3rd House Sagittarius 2°10'16
Imum Coeli Capricorn 6°57'54
5th House Aquarius 11°19'20
6th House Pisces 11°10'35
Descendant Aries 5°44'02
8th House Taurus 1°25'28
9th House Gemini 2°10'16
Medium Coeli Cancer 6°57'54
11th House Leo 11°19'20
12th House Virgo 11°10'35

Major aspectsSun Opposition Moon 0°53
Sun Conjunction Jupiter 1°48
Sun Sextile Saturn 0°57
Sun Quincunx Uranus 2°47
Sun Opposition Neptune 3°36
Sun Trine Pluto 0°14
Sun Trine Ascendant 5°32
Moon Opposition Jupiter 0°55
Moon Trine Saturn 0°04
Moon Conjunction Neptune 2°43
Moon Sextile Pluto 0°39
Moon Sextile Ascendant 6°25
Mercury Square Saturn 4°59
Mercury Quincunx Neptune 2°20
Venus Conjunction Mars 0°36
Jupiter Sextile Saturn 0°51
Jupiter Opposition Neptune 1°48
Jupiter Trine Pluto 1°34
Saturn Square Uranus 3°45
Saturn Trine Neptune 2°39
Saturn Sextile Pluto 0°43
Neptune Sextile Pluto 3°22
Pluto Conjunction Ascendant 5°46
Numbers indicate orb (deviation from the exact aspect angle).

*The last time I did this report I put in the wrong birth time. Stupid me. So, Ive done it again. Also the last time I had no idea what a birth chart was lol! So this time this means a WORLD of difference to me.*

~TigressOnAPostingRoleTodaySky~