Theatrlis Tigris

the return
by TigrisSky ©October 20, 2015

running through the red
empty veins become
chasms of canyon land

where the water use to flow
before it all got so heated
during that winter parade

of passionate answers
to cries never spoken
a demon

stration of how
easy it is to be
replaced

pass
her
bye

close my eyes
wonder why
anything and everything

has come
and gone

and gone
and come

again
impossible

a canyon gutted heart
lay tranquilly exposed
to the flood

of polar ice caps
melting under the sun
of this climate change

an empty sky
holds tight
the circling bird of prey

whose wings hold aloft
the dreams of someday
that comes

today
and leaves
tomorrow

flying south for the summer
flying north for the winter

stuck east or west
of forever

is a dream
only humanity
could hold on to

It Doesn't Matter Where, Just Drive by Snow Patrol

This is a song that, once recorded, Gary Lightbody never played again. It is about the loss of his child in utero.

I found this song shortly after losing the baby. I didn't really connect to it as much then, as the loss was new, and it all felt too surreal to imagine how it fit. As well, I was certain I could just try again and get it right next time.

With time I would learn that to not be the case.

Once I lost Thomas though, well this song just broke my heart and became a constant for me. Because all the thoughts in this song they just ... for me they just apply to him ... he was real -- more real than the loss of the baby I was barely carrying in my Fallopian tube, more real than the baby I can never have myself. I have experienced the reality of being his Mom, of being a mom - and yet at the same time that reality was always an illusion.

For me, the only part of this song that doesn't fit is that, "the families all gather round," line. No one gathered round me when I lost the baby. No one gathered round me when I lost Thomas. In fact, my family made me feel like shit about it, as if I had chosen my religion over my husband and son. There was no comfort for me, only blame.

Still, some days I wonder if they were right.

As for my friends, well, the only two I had were busy with their own lives and my recent loss of pretty much everything, moving into my first place and being absolutely alone there, well, it was not a priority and could not be for whatever reasons. I don't place blame, it just is how it was at the time.

Lonely.

The distraction of Queendom and a community of strangers needing me, strangers that made me feel loved being just who I am, no questions, got me through a lot of things during that time.

Now however, even that is changing for me.

I question our human desire to be seen. To be known. To be accepted and understood, to be a part of something larger than ourselves, as I stand on a dividing precipice and wonder ...

Is there really anything larger than self?

I'm hurting a lot right now and, as per my norm, I feel as if I am not allowed to be. As if everyone else is more important than me.

To end this hurt, I must let go the anxiety I hold in regards to the possibility of yet even more of my connections being severed because of who and how I am as a person. In short, I must allow myself to be me and that means I must love me, not constantly worry about the me I am being and if the me I am is accepted or rejected anymore.



I must be okay with the fact that I just don't fit anymore. So I am.

"I don't fit anymore!" Woohoo!

While at the same time I know I still "gotta little space to fill." I am still loved, people still enjoy having me around, and that is the part I am truly grateful for. I will most likely always hope that someday, things will change, and I can have the closeness, the support, the connection, and the importance in community again. Yet for now, rather than focus on the loss, I am focusing on what I still have because what I still have is beautiful.

I still have me. I am still loved. Yes, "I still gotta little space to fill."

So it is I start focusing on that space. I become okay in alone again. It isn't a horrible place. It is simply the darkness of the Mother, of my self, of the upcoming season in which I will be born anew. Some of the steps I have taken, in just loving myself, with acceptance and assurance, are simply the signs of false labor ... my birth is coming.

So it is I return to the Gypsy, that I was, that I am, that will always remain my naked flame.



~TigressSky~

Quick Update before I go into my rambling; Pants went in for surgery last Tuesday only to find out she can't really have surgery. Apparently she is just suffering from a severe infection of her salivary glands which means another 3 full weeks of strong as hell antibiotics and anti-inflammatories. Surgery on a salivary gland is a lot of work and can be dangerous. The doc did aspirate her and do some minor exploratory surgery checking everything carefully and there is definitely nothing lodged in her throat just infection. So I guess we lucked out there. In the week that has passed her neck seems perfectly normal again. I am hopeful when the medication stops, her neck stays the same. We shall see.



Alone. I want to add the word again to that statement but, in truth, the correct addition is always.

It's how we start, it's how we end, it is the void in between. The void in which we are born and all our time is spent trying to fill the emptiness - people, places, things; the nouns we surround ourselves with. Often fooling ourselves into believing we have succeeded, always painfully aware there is no succeeding, no escaping; just lies that fill our inbetween.

Something strange is happening for me. Being ejected from the spotlight and told it is all my fault has torn me open in a much unexpected way.

For one, I have truly forgiven my mother ... there should be a long pause here, I wish I could put into words what all that means, but I myself still struggle to understand fully.

As well I struggle to forgive myself ... but that is another topic altogether. I am sure I may write about it, but who knows if I will share. I've stopped sharing much, it just gets used against me, makes me feel bad about who I am. Settling me deeper, ever deeper, into the void. Were I am lost wasting time trying to escape the alone again. The void, where so many sit grasping, practically begging, for connection to all the nouns one can surround them self with. The void where I find I am doing nothing more than lying to myself that if I can just be more, do more, prove more ... but ... there is no more.

So I just stop sharing and instead embrace.

Sitting closer to alone, holding it knowingly. Eventually Alone will be the dark cold arms in which we all lay our souls. Spending so much time running from it ... HA! what a joke.

In the end, if you cannot be happy with Alone, you will never be happy nor truly appreciate the nouns of which you naturally become surrounded. Don't spend your time in need of someone or something - instead spend it appreciating someone or something.

That is love.

That is a true connection with all you are and can become.

In intoxication I decorated my Christmas tree last night. Out of the literal hundreds of ornaments my mother and I had packed around our entire lives only three remain with me. The loss to me, of which is unexplainable, stings venomously every year and has done so for the past 15 years. One would expect it to get better, but there are some fantasies a child without a childhood cling to more desperately than others. I still believe in Santa.

A comedy dealing with loss knowingly provided the soundtrack for the evening. I pulled out the ornaments coated beautifully in the loss they have come to represent and yet, in the same coin toss, shining magnificently bright with all the happiness they held. Three of them come attached to a dead mother, all the rest come attached to a lost son, the yin-yang of yule. The return of the king. The death of a another. The end. The beginning ... of tears crawling out of the abyss I had lost them in. My lover embracing me.

Alone. Always.

I know those whom whisper darkly about me, the ways I fail - fail you, fail life, fail myself. Judgment ... just another way in which we can try to free ourselves from the Alone. The Alone is always, all ways, and All. It is that which we try and separate from life; grasping at nouns, shouting out abusive verbs, hiding behind the adjectives of a smile.

I love even as those dark words sneak their way to me and try and make me hate.

I love because I know. The darkness has always been and it cannot be used against me. 70% of the known Universe is darkness and from it springs the light and to it the light returns.

Stop trying to escape the alone and start embracing it -- recognize we are all saying, yelling, screaming at the top of our lungs the exact same thing, "Love me!"

Love me before the darkness calls me home.

~TigressSky~

Boo!
~TigressSky © April 19, 2012~

Nightmares?
I thought I had gotten past this.
Yet just the thought of you
Angry at me
For making a choice to leave
Kills my heart.

I never chose
To leave you.
I was told
I couldn't see you
Anymore.

Yet I sit awash in feelings of guilt
That I didn't scream
Fight
Cry
And die
Raging against them
And their false power
To see you
To keep you
From my life.

I just let them tell me
What I was
And wasn't
Allowed.

And I cried myself
Into fitful sleeps
For months on end
Until
Eventually
One night
The tears didn't come.

Yet even without tears
I think about you
With each inhale
Of life I take
And I am certain
When the breath stops
You will still be
The one thing
I keep with me
Always.

And I will never breath
Without gasping deep into my lungs
The drowning guilt
Of not fighting harder
Nor will I escape
The nightmares
Developed purely from
The fearful belief
In your anger
Towards me
For a choice I couldn't control
And a love lost
That I can never let go.

When I woke up yesterday I had a major headache and I hadnt even drank a drop after going out "clubbing" for a friends 21st birthday. I really enjoyed myself even without the drinking; I may not drink at all anymore. We shall see.

Anyway, the headache from hell was with me Samhain morning and after eating breakfast with friends and seeing them off I laid back down to try and sleep the pain away. Thats when the dream came, at first I wasnt going to write about it but I want to remember it so Im writing about what I remember.

It was the day of the big Yule party I have planned. The house was set up with a lot of tables and somehow we had put all the couches away and just made room for everyone.

I went to the store or somewhere for something and when I got back I came in through the back door, which is not something I normally do. When I walked in there was my ex-Corey, his new wife (whom Ive never met) and Thomas.

I had an emotional breakdown, something that just doesnt happen with me. I fell on my knees in front of Thomas and I grabbed him to me bawling and babbling about how much I missed him and how I never thought I would get to see him again. In the background my ex-Corey was saying that this was my Yule present and he thought I should get to see Thomas again and we needed to start planning visits and that the big party had been cancelled so I could spend the day with Thomas.

It was overwhelming and I woke up quickly knowing it couldnt be possible and I was so angry at myself for that dream, for not being able to let go. I feel like a fucking idiot. What is wrong with me? At this point Thomas doesnt even know who I am. I need to let go.

I still had a horrible headache but I had many reasons to be at the Garden for Samhain that night and I decided that letting go of Thomas was now the main one.

I was my usual cheery self and was grateful for a small moment alone to kind of dump with Turtle, which was ultra-appropriate as she is Persephone. I helped her get ready and as I entered the circle I prepared myself to let go of Thomas, but, when I was blindfolded and presented to the Goddess I heard Hermes whisper "name your deceased loved ones" and I know Thomas isnt dead so I couldnt let him go then. Instead I changed to my mother and said simply, "I dont want to say it outloud." Because at that moment I felt like I had totally betrayed my intent.

Ugh...

I wish I knew what I could do to make this go away.

~Tig~

A few nights ago I discovered that Corey is spending 2K on an engagment ring for his new girl. It shouldn't have bothered me. My gods how it did. I literally hated him at that moment. I cant even figure out what and/or how many emotions overwhelmed me. So many, so much confusion. I couldnt say anything, do anything, understand anything. I started bawling and then I became more angry with myself for having any reaction at all. Its been two years, I should be over it.

Two hours later I was done being upset about it. I thought about it deeply, making sure nothing was still lingering and it wasnt. Its gone. Just like that. Crazy unexplainable emotions to absolutely nothing.

Im insane.

I think about Thoma every now and then and it usually grips my heart and sends me into horrible pain. Now, I guess I feel like its official. Ill never see him again. For some strange unknown reason Im suddenly okay with that.

Maybe there was some piece of closure I needed and this revelation was it. Or maybe two days, two months or two years from now I will be heartbroken by this all again.

Maybe my studying of the archetype of Death and the Maiden throughout Mythology is contributing to my inexplainable acceptance of everything. Marriage being the Maidens Death and Love being the Maidens awakening. Ive died, so now its time to be awakened right? Maybe the self-worth I finally have is enough love to have awakened me? Maybe the love I feel from my friends and community, especially Pyro, Sexxy and Foxx, is enough to awaken me? Maybe I do not need to be awakened any further? Maybe this contentedness needs nothing more than friendship and my right hand. *grin*

Or, maybe my insane blood is driving me from here passively this time. I cant stop thinking about getting my passport and moving to Italy.

Holding the hand of insanity certainly is a questionable way to live life. I want to tattoo the words HOLD and FAST on my fingers to remind myself to hold tight to my dreams, hold tight to my values, hold tight because I need all of this...for what, I guess I cant really say.

~TigressSky~

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