(no subject)

Pondering if I am really as rigidly structured as I have been judged to be recently. Do I not just "go with it" and let things "flow"? I suppose just thinking about it answers that question eh?

*sigh*

I wish I knew how to let go of criticism easier. Maybe it is because I felt shamed and embarrassed by this criticism that I am so focused on it. So now I'm back to internal analysis of how others see me, knowing damned well that how others see me is quite often a direct reflection of my actions. So, if I do not want to be seen this way, what do I need to work on changing? Or maybe the real question is, do I want to be seen this way? Is it so bad?

I won't figure it all out within this moment of insomnia tonight so ...


Starbuck & Anders from BSG

I'm watching Battlestar Galactica again. This show never gets old. It is one of the most well done series, with the best acting, best plot-line and most compellingly complete story. When it ends, you are satisfied.

Watching it this second time, with someone else, I find myself thinking about my original reasoning to watch it the first time: Starbuck. I had been compared to Starbuck, aka Kara Thrace, so often by so many randomly placed non-connected people in my life that I had to see for myself what they were obviously all seeing in me. Quite coincidentally I find it interesting to note that the character of Starbuck is played by Portland born Katee Sackhoff - who grew up in St Helens Oregon. *dun dun dun*

Anyway, when I initially watched it I was sometimes disturbed by the connection. As I watch it this secondary time though, well, I am quite proud of the connection. I think USA Today sums up who I am and who she is quite well - "the broken warrior, a young, idealistic soldier who has been fighting for all the right reasons, but has lost something along the way."

When we meet Starbuck in the series she is a woman who doesn't value her own life. She takes many risks and puts herself out there in ways that challenge the status quo and could harm her physically, as well as mentally. Yet as she evolves we discover a woman who is willing to sacrifice herself for others because she knows life is so valuable. And through all of this evolution she never loses the heart and soul of who she is. She never lets the world control her and in that we find the world loves her. Even if no one ever understands her or is allowed to get close to her. And there are moments when she lets someone so close it hurts ... but those moments are rare. And those moments are truly and deeply recognized by all experiencing them.

So, yeah, I get it.

Maybe it is time to cut off all my hair and get a new tattoo. Something that says I love; but I am, and will always be, me.

Yeah right, I don't have any money to do anything more than drink whiskey in my apartment and write insomniac posts about who I am.

Long live the fucking queen eh?

~TigressSky~