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Boring is the new COOL!
Fri, Dec. 5th, 2014 16:25I'm busy, but boring. Well, boring in comparison to those who I use to spend the majority of my time with that is. This boring-ness is an outside concept of me though, not something I feel inside of me - not something I see when I look in the mirror. Inside and out, I feel like I am still fucking cool as shit; and I am hurt that others have stopped feeling that way about me.
To each their own though.
I mean that with sincerity.
Honestly, I have been beating myself up for "not being cool enough" for far too long now. Until it was I finally realized the only opinion that really mattered on my "being cool enough" was my own -- and in that one opinion sits a woman who thinks she is fucking cool as shit. So ....
*ttthhhhpppbbbbbtttttt*
... to anyone else's opinion on the matter.
Something else I recognized and stopped beating myself up for, stopped thinking I deserved, was the idea that it was okay for people who knew my boundaries and rules to continue to cross them, because the boundaries were "new."
A while back a comment was made against respect of my "new" rules; my boundaries. When I spoke that I had these new boundaries I had some tell me, (verbatim here folks), "well, we are going to keep doing it, so you are just going to have to learn how to say no."
In that moment, long ago, I thought I deserved that response.
I honestly thought, that because I had been so open before, that closing off and setting rules was something bad I had done. I made myself feel as if I deserved the forceful nature of the continued advances, the newly found continued teasing, and the statement that I would have to "learn to say no."
Although, let me clarify, that comment came awhile back, AND all of that seems to have calmed now, I'm pretty certain no interest in going to that realm with me exists anymore, and I have finally prepared myself for that "no," (a no that comes with an abundance of anxiety around thinking I will have to be forceful in delivering it).
The point I am getting at here in bringing this up is that it took this llllooonnngggg for me to realize I didn't deserve that response.
It wasn't okay.
Not. At. All.
What is wrong with me for thinking it was?
After spending all those years being told what the rules are and following them to a tee, so much so that I was practically the poster child for said rules and thereby a top name on everyone's "go" list. All that time I spent knowing how important it was to be respectful of said rules and follow them. Well, somehow I had convinced myself that my rules were not worthy of the same respect. WOAH!
How in the fucking hell had I honestly convinced myself that my rules were not worthy of the same respect?
In Hawaii I lay on the beach, completely relaxed as I had finally slept with such soundness as I had only known as a child. It was because there was not one thing, one person, I had to be responsible for. This allowed for my brain to shut off.
Finally, laying down to sleep didn't consist of fighting my way through the fireworks of my brain, in an attempt to spend just a small amount of time with the elusive captain of sleep. Instead, I just closed my eyes and the captain came to me with offers of such adventurous dreams that, if it wasn't for the call of Apollo, I would never want to wake up.
It was on the second day, watching Floodplain in the waves, laying on the beach chair, my face under the umbrella, Apollo kissing every other exposed inch of me, that I just suddenly knew, my rules, my boundaries, deserved to be respected.
It was also the first time I had found myself angry at others for treating me with such disrespect. All the perfect lines I could have used in that moment to responded to the, "you will just have to learn to say no" comment, fell like droplets of angry release; sliding under my sunglasses, running across my cheeks.
I wiped them away, left them laying in that sand, watched them get kicked by cheerful kids into the open arms of the ocean; waves carrying them with a crash, deep out into that salty graveyard only Poseidon knows exists.
So it is that it finally feels done, settled. It was not, nor should it ever have been, all for me to carry anyway. So I dropped it; just stopped carrying it around with me.
I stopped carrying a lot of things during my time in Hawaii and, as the sun, Apollo, finishes his death and prepares for his awakening to birth, I too feel myself changing. Closing tight, only to prepare myself to open bright, and take hold of so many new things.
I am ready to be cool again to more than just that reflection in the mirror. I am ready to surround myself with only those who support this growth in me - be they old or new friends. Those that expect that I support this growth in them as well.
Ubuntu. Namaste. All you need is love. *giggles*
~TigressSky
To each their own though.
I mean that with sincerity.
Honestly, I have been beating myself up for "not being cool enough" for far too long now. Until it was I finally realized the only opinion that really mattered on my "being cool enough" was my own -- and in that one opinion sits a woman who thinks she is fucking cool as shit. So ....
*ttthhhhpppbbbbbtttttt*
... to anyone else's opinion on the matter.
Something else I recognized and stopped beating myself up for, stopped thinking I deserved, was the idea that it was okay for people who knew my boundaries and rules to continue to cross them, because the boundaries were "new."
A while back a comment was made against respect of my "new" rules; my boundaries. When I spoke that I had these new boundaries I had some tell me, (verbatim here folks), "well, we are going to keep doing it, so you are just going to have to learn how to say no."
In that moment, long ago, I thought I deserved that response.
I honestly thought, that because I had been so open before, that closing off and setting rules was something bad I had done. I made myself feel as if I deserved the forceful nature of the continued advances, the newly found continued teasing, and the statement that I would have to "learn to say no."
Although, let me clarify, that comment came awhile back, AND all of that seems to have calmed now, I'm pretty certain no interest in going to that realm with me exists anymore, and I have finally prepared myself for that "no," (a no that comes with an abundance of anxiety around thinking I will have to be forceful in delivering it).
The point I am getting at here in bringing this up is that it took this llllooonnngggg for me to realize I didn't deserve that response.
It wasn't okay.
Not. At. All.
After spending all those years being told what the rules are and following them to a tee, so much so that I was practically the poster child for said rules and thereby a top name on everyone's "go" list. All that time I spent knowing how important it was to be respectful of said rules and follow them. Well, somehow I had convinced myself that my rules were not worthy of the same respect. WOAH!
In Hawaii I lay on the beach, completely relaxed as I had finally slept with such soundness as I had only known as a child. It was because there was not one thing, one person, I had to be responsible for. This allowed for my brain to shut off.
Finally, laying down to sleep didn't consist of fighting my way through the fireworks of my brain, in an attempt to spend just a small amount of time with the elusive captain of sleep. Instead, I just closed my eyes and the captain came to me with offers of such adventurous dreams that, if it wasn't for the call of Apollo, I would never want to wake up.
It was on the second day, watching Floodplain in the waves, laying on the beach chair, my face under the umbrella, Apollo kissing every other exposed inch of me, that I just suddenly knew, my rules, my boundaries, deserved to be respected.
It was also the first time I had found myself angry at others for treating me with such disrespect. All the perfect lines I could have used in that moment to responded to the, "you will just have to learn to say no" comment, fell like droplets of angry release; sliding under my sunglasses, running across my cheeks.
I wiped them away, left them laying in that sand, watched them get kicked by cheerful kids into the open arms of the ocean; waves carrying them with a crash, deep out into that salty graveyard only Poseidon knows exists.
So it is that it finally feels done, settled. It was not, nor should it ever have been, all for me to carry anyway. So I dropped it; just stopped carrying it around with me.
I stopped carrying a lot of things during my time in Hawaii and, as the sun, Apollo, finishes his death and prepares for his awakening to birth, I too feel myself changing. Closing tight, only to prepare myself to open bright, and take hold of so many new things.
I am ready to be cool again to more than just that reflection in the mirror. I am ready to surround myself with only those who support this growth in me - be they old or new friends. Those that expect that I support this growth in them as well.
Ubuntu. Namaste. All you need is love. *giggles*
~TigressSky
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