Time, Money, Death

Something I learned in Texas:

Time is truly an illusion. Just as fake as the money we build our value and worthiness around.

Time is nothing more than a way to control nature.

Time adds as much, perhaps more, stress to our lives than money.



Time and money are the Gods we pray to now.

Myth works to explain nature and within the explanation makes nature sacred. That sacredness turns to ritual and ritual becomes religion.

BCE, the nature we were trying to understand was that of the Earth and the elements of life, from the ground to the cosmos around us - physical, tangible, yet still so mysterious.

CE, the nature we are trying to understand is all imagination and contains no elements of life. From the ground to the cosmos it is nothing more than a made up force we have labeled "time" and "money". We give one piece of our imagination a false sense of the physical and tangible; yet both are completely derived from nothing more than the fancy of the human mind.

The religious leaders of this ever expanding myth, sitting high in their Wall Street towers, have full knowledge of this myth and keep it's mysteries in check.

Never in the span of homo sapiens sapiens existence has there been a stronger myth. A myth so controlling that conforming to it or dieing is not only breed and beat into us it has become part of our DNA.

Anyone you meet who says they are not religious is full of it. I know none, (whom consider themselves "civilized" that is), who do not worship the myth of time and money. None that do not subscribe to it's rituals. None.

Things I learned (am learning) at home:

I have denied myself the right to feel hurt, confused, upset, angry, under-valued, in despair, and abused - all because my rational brain could not believe that any of those I held hold in regard as friend would think or treat me as they have (and some continue to do).

I refuse to deny myself the right to feel hurt, confused, angry, under-valued, in despair, and abused anymore!!!

    Feeling that does NOT make me irrational.
    Feeling that does NOT make me a victim.
    Feeling that does NOT mean I have to react to it.
    Feeling that does NOT mean I am out of control.
    Feeling that does NOT mean ANYTHING is wrong with me AT ALL!

It is perfectly human to feel all of these things ... especially when you had put so much trust and love into those whose actions became the triggers for these feelings.

I have gone through my stages of grief and loss: denial, anger, bargaining, and depression - now I reach acceptance.

I accept I am no longer the person whom everyone once loved and desired to be around. That time has passed for me.

Ugh ... this hurts more than my words can ever properly express but, I get it 'Verse and I am done fighting it.

I am willing to admit, whole-heartedly, that I never expected that the desire and love that held me central for so many would dissipate, and at that, dissipate so quickly. Mainly because for me, none of that desire and love has dissipated at all. Yet also because the only thing that has changed in any extreme for me is my decision to practice celibacy/monogamy and no longer be poly.

That has been enough though, and I have come to accept it.

I recognize I cannot hold people to the same standards as I believe, act, live, and hold myself to. I have to stop doing that or I am going to continue to be taken aback by these losses regularly.

The anniversary of my ninth year in the community will be this Samhain. It all seems so fitting; as I work my way through the 9th year it will come to a close in a time of Death, in a time of Spirit -the 9 Year Cycle.

Of course this is happening during my 4 personal year - which also happens to be the number I am born under. GO 4!!!



Ways in which the knowledge I have gained is helping me evolve:

It's funny, I always said I never wanted to date anyone in the community because when those relationships end they affect everyone. After a break-up, even without sides being chosen, we always seem to lose the presence of one person from the relationship. I never wanted to be the lost one, it all meant too much to me. And knowing how much it meant to me, I never wanted to be the one to cause someone else to be the lost one. So, no dating.

I love so many though and, at a time, was so, so close to a select few. It wasn't traditional dating, but I understand (more fully now), that love was equivalent to dating. While a very small, minor, piece of what makes me "me" has changed, it's effects are bigger to those whom I "dated".

Now, as the desire for me dissipates, and in some cases seems completely gone, I feel the affects I never wanted - I am becoming the lost one. That, is the hardest piece for me to accept; and I cling desperately to the smallest piece of hope I have that there is still a small place for me ... but I am opening up to the fact that even that may be nothing more than an illusion.

Interactions with me are obtrusively awkward now. Which hurts a lot because it makes me feel like the only thing I provided was a potential playmate and nothing more. As if the only valued interactions with me were/are grabbing my body parts, making out, and hoping/working towards getting laid. I use to think these sexually driven flirty things were just a side-course to my overall "dish"; but, I have found that they were always the main course. Much to my chagrin.

In turn these feelings make me shy away from any of that flirty fun behavior I use to enjoy because I don't want to be know and seen as "that". I never did.

So it is I am left feeling like I do not belong and, in all honesty, maybe I never truly did.

All those other pieces of my friendships and community connections seem lost. All the other things I gave of myself. All the hours of toil and sweat, thousands of dollars spent, time dedicated to studying and perfecting rituals, workshops, and entire festivals, time dedicated to crafting and designing gifts, running and designing community sites and forums, keeping communication open and getting it out to EVERYONE who wants to know, peace keeping, time spent in community meetings, time spent planning gatherings, miles and miles and miles and miles and miles put on my car - all those things I just did without notice to them regularly. All things I did because it was the right thing to do, those I loved needed me, and I was going to be there for them.

I notice them all now.

I wish I didn't.

Now I rebuild, working on presenting the woman I want to be know as all over again. So it is, no one knows me, even though nothing much has truly changed and I am still me.

It is a fun, exciting, and somewhat terrifying new adventure to be on. Rediscovering myself and trying to understand, as well as figure out how to present, this "new" me. Recognizing what fits, what no longer fits, and what actually never fit in regards to who I am and how I am seen.

Realizing that with such "big" change comes such big, beautiful, and sometimes excruciatingly painful growth makes me giddy for the future, questioning the past, and lost in the present.

It will all work itself out I know; and, I suspect, by Samhain I will come to a place of grace, peace, and understand as death finally washes over me and my new eyes are finally shown the light.

~TigressSky~