Hello, Is It Me Your Looking For? ... Oh, it's not.

For just over two weeks know I have been dealing with the loss of my Grandmother. Maybe people are unaware how much I loved her and how much this effects me, which is fine. Yet God damn it! It does effect me. That effect is not what this post is about though - but please remember that effect is what is prompting this post. Thank you Grandma.

At Sunfest I hurt someone's feelings, as I am prone to do, because I am an asshole, as we have learned in previous posts. I didn't mean to, but we all know that intent does not equate to forgiveness. Although, as soon as I got home I did email, try and explain myself better, but that just made it worse.

I lost a friend.

Such is life.

Soon my Grandma would die.

However before that, friend I lost and I had not finished trying to figure out what the hell just happened. That is what happens when you love someone, you have a hard time letting go, even if that someone is an asshole like me.

This asshole right here finally just allowed the lost friend to be right, because tomorrow I say goodbye to one of the most important women in my life. Yeah, in the midst of all this my Grandma died. A woman whom never judged me, whom never made me feel bad or inadequate. A woman who never once told me that the love I have to offer and who I am is not good enough. A woman who never told me I didn't spend enough time with her every time I was in the midst of spending time with her. A woman who never tried to guilt trip or manipulate me into getting what she wanted. A woman who never questioned my love for her so constantly that she could conceivable convince herself it wasn't ever even there to begin with.

A woman who knew I was a very complicated creature, but that once I loved I never stopped.

A woman who knew how easy it was to break my heart and how God damned strong I was to never show it. A woman who knew a child stood in front of her, who would never fully trust the world or anyone in it, but who was going to love the world and everyone in it; any damned way!

With all my heart, I love; and with all my heart, I fail.

I am human. I am beautiful. I am flawed. I am alive and every single moment I am dying. I don't have time for those who will make me feel like I am dying inside anymore. Not when so much is happening all around me, so much happening that I barely even have time for those whom try their damnedest to love me for the horrible me I am - because they know the beautiful me I am. They know, like Grandma, that once I love, I never stop.

So it is that I'm done dealing with those who try and make me feel like I am not perfection, because no one is perfection ... no one is supposed to be. To make someone feel bad for who they have become without you, how they have connected without you, and then tell them it is their fault for changing and why can't they just come back?

I will not stagnate my growth for any lovers guilt.

I am asshole. I am a cunt.

That is just how it is.

~TigressSky~