Theatrlis Tigris

A friend posted an article about the pain of social rejection. Although I know it was not necessarily directed at me, I took it as such, because that pain has been a reality in my life for quite a few years now.

"Being on the receiving end of a social snub causes a cascade of emotional and cognitive consequences. Social rejection increases anger, anxiety, depression, jealousy and sadness.

After the initial pain of rejection, most people move into an “appraisal stage,” in which they take stock and  formulate their next steps.

People often respond to rejection by seeking inclusion elsewhere. Excluded people actually become more sensitive to potential signs of connection, and they tailor their behavior accordingly. “They will pay more attention to social cues, be more likable, more likely to conform to other people and more likely to comply with other people’s requests.”

The article put a few things into perspective for me. For example, this "sudden onset anxiety" I have been suffering from.

What do I mean by "sudden onset anxiety"? Well, it was like, one day I had no idea what people suffering from anxiety were talking about. Then the next day I was pretty certain I was going to die.

I spent long hours trying to figure out what was wrong with me. Having been able to previously figure out how to negate the control my bi-polarism had on me, I was certain I could figure my way out of this one too. Except this time I was trying to make changes to the wrong thing - me. Unlike bi-polarism, with social rejection caused anxiety there is not something about yourself to fix, control, be aware of, or manipulate; instead there is something about yourself to learn to accept, embrace, and nuture.

The feeling of anxiety that the social rejection caused me crept in slowly. Thus, seeing a connection between my anxiety as an offshoot of social rejection never even occurred to me.

Until it finally did.

I have spent a bit of time in the stage of "paying more attention to social cues, trying hard to be more likable, trying to conform to other peoples needs and requests." I assumed I needed to do that, that there was something wrong with me, that if I wanted to keep connection to the friends I had left then I better figure out how to become a person worthy of friendship.

A person like I use to be.

Loved.

Which is why it was so easy for me to assume my growth was the culprit in my losses, and thus the reason for my anxiety. My change was to blame for my anxiety, not the fact I was being rejected for it. It didn't truly dawn on me that I was being rejected. Therefore there was no way for me to connect the distress I was displaying as being caused by the rejection I was going through. I truly thought, and had fully convinced myself, something was wrong with ME just simply being ME.

SO. FUCKED. UP.

It sucked so bad, because the harder I tried, the more I was rejected; the deeper down the anxiety hole I found myself falling. Yet I kept trying to make it better, falling deeper and deeper until eventually I decided to stop looking at myself and start looking at those around me.

Don't get me wrong, I don't blame anyone, I certainly am not upset with anyone. Although for a moment I was very upset. I was very alone. I was very confused. I was very tired of it all.

I was also very glad to have the gym.

The rest of this story has played out on my journal for the past few years. I am not trying to rehash any of that. Yet where am I now?

Well, I still have anxiety and dread social interaction. I am working on that though.

Part of that work consists of recognizing the moments when I am still operating within the confines of social rejection by "paying more attention to social cues, trying hard to be more likable, trying to conform to other peoples needs and requests."

I have come to discern it is this very act that grants me my deepest anxiety.

As well, I am spending more time being okay with the rejection. It still sucks. Yet it is not about me. I am awesome and anyone who doesn't see that in me can fuck off.

I have so much happiness around me, so much love, so much contentment, and such deep spiritual connection right now ... that I just don't have any desire to put myself into anxiety driven situations anymore.

It isn't worth it.

The small amount of "praise" I may get for being there and "proving" I care and am trying isn't worth the huge amount of anxiety I suffer by simply not "fitting in" anymore.

I have also come to realize that a lot of what I held fear would/could happen has simply already happened. I can't move backwards and make everything okay again.

I wouldn't want to either.

The person I have become is someone I love more than I ever have before. I hope to get to know her better and support her growth. I don't want to hold her back and cause her anxiety anymore. I want to surround her with all sorts of experiences that can brighten her remaining years here and allow her to become the representation of love and hope she dreams of being.

I am no longer willing to hold myself back so others can approve of what I am doing and who I am becoming. I have done that for so long now ... so ... god ... damned ... long.

*sigh*

As Dave would say:

It's times like these you learn to live again.
It's times like these you give and give again.
It's times like these you learn to love again.