To Doubts

Fri, Mar. 24th, 2017 22:41
tigrissky: Tiger in Green Sea (Marilyn Monroe Goddess)
~TigriSky, March 24, 2017

Back in your arms again, and all I can think is why?
Can't I make this happen?
Can't I?

The voice of doubt
The devil on the wing of my plane
Looking in as I sit in the cockpit
Wondering if anyone is really there
Or is it all really just this breath
Before I am lost in the motor cortex

Back in your arms again, and all I can think is why?
Can't I make this happen?
Can't I?

The voice of reason
Professes all of the treasonous ways
In which this plane won't even get off the ground
If I don't even try to see it through
To this mistake and then the next
So just take in this deep breath
Get lost in the motor cortex

Back in your arms again, and all I can think is why?
Can't I make this happen?
Can't I?

The voice of jealousy
Screams it's applause of the failures
Brought to a table of cards
Dealt by an established King and Queen
Since when do peasants step foot
In such monarchy

Back in your arms again, and all I can think is why?
Can't I make this happen?
Can't I?

The voice of beauty whispers
Sweet nothings of the transformation
From pupae to birth of a butterfly
Slipping from the sins of the truth
Slithering on the belly of nature
Until one day you spread your wings
You can fly

You can fly
tigrissky: Tiger in Green Sea (Marilyn Monroe Goddess)
This is one of the first Lucero songs I learned to strum.

Seeing this youthful vision makes me nostalgic for a time when life seemed more crowded in the dualities of love and loneliness. A time when there was always a friend to drink with and a shoulder to lean on. Not much of that time can be found anymore.

I don't rightly know all the reasons why, I know a few though. Change is inevitable and love can weary the heart. Oh but how I have loved.

tigrissky: Tiger in Green Sea (Marilyn Monroe Goddess)

In a past life I must have been cruel.

I do not mean a past life I can only dream. A dream in which might be recalled the love between Alexander and Hephaestion. No, not just a dream.

I mean a past life, that at times, feels like yesterday.

Days like these I find myself confronted by such a life; of my past. Seeing straight through the mask of self prepared so carefully within the depths of craved, perhaps depraved, acceptance. Leaving me to wonder what good, if any, I may or may not have provided.

In the eyes of wonder, the waves of cold doubt crash into me. Cold I use to possess. As if there was some form of self that deserved to be possessed by such cold.

A cold that forces you to crawl inside the womb of your anxieties, wrestle your demons, question your value, and die ... unto your own visions of self, repeatedly. Until the very moment there is nothing left to die unto.


Recognizing the very lack of definition with which you are born. In this life, and the next. In whatever moment you finally decide to live, that is.


The Seasons

Tue, Feb. 14th, 2017 08:20
tigrissky: Tiger in Green Sea (Marilyn Monroe Goddess)
Much of our theatrical entertainment celebrates the fantasy that the "bad" guys get their comeuppance and the "good" guys are left feeling vindicated. However much I wish to accept this portrait as some kind of truth, I cannot help but remember a key lesson, of which a major in mass communications provides; it is not the ordinary which serves to entertain but the extraordinary.

The extraordinary is also how stars explode and life forms from the dust.

Like a Phoenix from the ashes, life rises, regardless the outcome of right over wrong. You can't direct the wind, but you can adjust your sails. With love, unconditional.

You can only trust adjusting your sails as far out as the waves will take you without tossing you overboard. So it is discovered that success depends on the size of your confidence as it comes to such matters of the heart.

To deeply love is to truly see the presentation of self without condition. Conditions exist within the judgments and expectations that love just can't seem to forgive. Love, unconditional, forgives all.

Loving conditions keep the full experience of life locked, hidden, lost. The only choice left; to give up or push on.

Continue following the path which may allow you to achieve the ability to love, unconditional. Along this path confidence grows allowing the sails to carry ever farther out to sea.

Along the way we are convinced of the duality this thing called life shares with death. As if Apollo where not the sum of Dionysos, simply because one restricts while the other expands. Whom takes which role is portrayed as a seasonal affair. How quick it is forgot, the seasons are not simply determined by the the time of the year.

It is not always the dark which expands and the light which restricts. It is not always the light which expands and the dark which restricts. Growth and stagnation can be found in any direction; the wind through the sails, the fire of the heart, the crash of the waves against bare feet stepping upon the sandy shore.

So it is we are brought into this game of survival. Taught the difference between right and wrong. Given preference to life over death. Gifted the worry of legacy. Our success determined by a society running away from being. Driven by the obsession of doing. Believing that the bad guys get their comeuppance and the good guys their vindication.

Meanwhile, constant change washes over us. The good becomes bad. The bad becomes good. The forces of nature overwhelm the choice of which is current and which is dying.

Leaving us with only one truth, one choice, to stagnate or to grow.

Is this the answer? I do not know with any certainty that their even is an answer. Just choice.

tigrissky: Tiger in Green Sea (Marilyn Monroe Goddess)

2017 quickly approaches, allowing a moment to reflect on the numerologically defined "9" this year has definitely been. I can only nod my head, in a form of acceptance and, perhaps a bit of appreciation, for the way it all played out. As a sort of initiation into the questionable form our human civilization is divisively taking towards becoming ...

Speaking of becoming; now is also a time to reflect upon the person I became in 2016. As well as postulate hopeful scenarios of the person I wish to become in 2017. How resolutely I succeed in accomplishing my "becoming" is affected directly by my willingness to change the reflections of that which "became" me.

artemis and apollo barry windsor smith.jpg

I am taken back six months, to a reflection from my birthday, of which the following seems relevant to share in order to understand my resolve for 2017.

"I am the artist of my truth, my wisdom, my experience and I do not intend to forget the pictures I have created along the way. Some of them bolder and louder than others. All of them a reflection of my creation myth.

A myth that started 39 years ago in a different time, in a different place. The history of which has ridden a wave of historic change in which I have had zero affect in shaping.

I am simply human. Part of a species advancing phenomenally as a whole. If such advancement, of a single species, to the detriment of so much around it, is to be considered a phenomenon. Which, even within my cynicism, I am left feeling is phenomenal. Knowing, in the grand scheme of the Universe, the Earth is but a tiny speck of dust, and the human species barely of microscopic consequence.

Yet, at the same time, we are the Universe experiencing itself. We are made of the stars, born of the sun and moon, birthed by an Earth mother that has created the perfect environment in which such a species can thrive. An environment in which we can learn, manipulate, and create through nothing more complex than a simple quiet moment in observance of nature.

It is in those silent moments that I am most grateful. Grateful for the experience becoming absolutely nothing more than a momentary microscopic breathe, on a cosmic speck of floating dust, in the vastness of a Universe I cannot even comprehend a minuscule fraction of, has granted me.

If you are reading this, it most likely granted me you.

No matter how briefly or incompletely I have loved and I have been loved. Unabashedly. Luckily. Sometimes even miserably. Only the Gods them self are able to comprehend, in one brief vision, the overall importance in such love."

On top of the vanity of the 20 pounds I vow to lose, this knowledge is what I vow to build from and upon in 2017.

To remain grateful for whatever amount of love for me exists in this world; in the hearts of those who keep me in their life, in whatever way they may choose to keep me.

To remain silent and observant to the nature of the world around me and the self that is developing within.

To attempt to paint some masterpieces worth remembering, even if they are heartbreaking, and most especially if they are love making!

To remember I am simply stardust, experiencing the Universe, as a form of life sculpted of the Mother known as Earth, guided by an invisible Father called Time; and, in spite of this travesty, I will continue to try and become more anyway!

Happy New Year!

With much love,

The Unknowns

Sat, Nov. 12th, 2016 17:55
tigrissky: Tiger in Green Sea (Marilyn Monroe Goddess)

I like it here, in the past. Where just the right song unleashes an energetic flood within. Where the ignorance of youth struts through the world carrying an invisible guarantee of future ownership. Where death is just an imagined scenario of attendance and guessing how many hearts will be broken. On good days that is. On bad days it is simply a struggle to discover reasons to bother staying. Trying to believe it is their jealousy and not your inadequacy that entices such behavior. If you were not about to be King you might just give up.

Perhaps Alzheimers will not be all that bad. Living here, if I can just keep remembering here, I can stay here. Right? Believing I am a little girl, out in the woods alone, the big bad wolf by my side and a Mighty Mouse at my beckon call. It will be beautiful. Except in the awake moments. Offered a reality of an unknown old woman staring at me in wonder. Not knowing how I got into this body, this room, surrounded by all these unknowns.

When did I end up so alien? Sitting upon this spec of dust brought to life by the eye of Apollo. I know I was born this way, not yesterday, yet I wasn't bought or sold this way. All those half baked ideas on the cover of magazines teaching me exactly what I never could be. Those were the always and never of everything I was promised I would be. If I just, if I just, if I just ... turn to dust.

All that can be afforded in a time none bare witness until some bare ignorance. Laying claim that she is in the river when we all know she is of the land. A Virgo to be precise; if you ever wonder why it is that I analyze. Everything and nothing in the lies.

To make sense of it all is, at times, the most tiring thing. Forced to predict the facts of the outcome desired. Preparing for the redemption of the choice before it is ever made. A ladies prerogative presented to enhance the darkness. Sometimes it is hit, sometimes it is miss. It all depends. Just how long can you hold your own against the antagonists hatred of self. Before reaching the moment of awaited failure certain to see your rage.

Yet maybe if I just turn the page. Or the volume up on this song and the next. I can remember riding the bus next to him. What it felt like to be Queen of the backseat with clothes on. His eyes speaking the truth of a broken heart. His lips professing such strength on his part. Letting me go.

Nowhere but here, in this moment, does it matter where I came from. You can stick tape on the ends of the cassette tape and record over it all. Playing the radio, collecting the songs you can't afford to buy. Pausing to skip the advertisements of a life never to be recorded in the history where anyone looks.

by TigrisSky
©November 12, 2016
tigrissky: Tiger in Green Sea (Marilyn Monroe Goddess)
The Wonder
by TigrisSky ©October 30, 2016

The wonder of smiles
Casting black clouds of doubt
Over ignorant hearts
Beating strong just the same

Nothing can stop you
From gaining the knowledge
The truth is in playing
Not winning the game

Which always ends
In nothing
But dreamers
Closing their eyes

To chance
That in this one
Moment in time
All life will start

To make sense
Out of fears
That come
With the territory

Of gypsy heart
Of native mind
A shaman expands
All visions beyond

Horizons to reach
Pasts to dispel
Myths to create
Fires to ignite

Passions to explore
Ecstasy at levels
Beyond this base
We sit upon

And wonder
How it all began
To end

tigrissky: Tiger in Green Sea (Marilyn Monroe Goddess)
the return
by TigrisSky ©October 20, 2015

running through the red
empty veins become
chasms of canyon land

where the water use to flow
before it all got so heated
during that winter parade

of passionate answers
to cries never spoken
a demon

stration of how
easy it is to be


close my eyes
wonder why
anything and everything

has come
and gone

and gone
and come


a canyon gutted heart
lay tranquilly exposed
to the flood

of polar ice caps
melting under the sun
of this climate change

an empty sky
holds tight
the circling bird of prey

whose wings hold aloft
the dreams of someday
that comes

and leaves

flying south for the summer
flying north for the winter

stuck east or west
of forever

is a dream
only humanity
could hold on to


Thu, Oct. 13th, 2016 09:06
tigrissky: Tiger in Green Sea (Marilyn Monroe Goddess)
There are moments of wailing misery that haunt every day, every heart beat, from that moment forward. Moments where the whiskey makes any sideways glance a miracle of chance. That maybe, just maybe, you can forget it all ... with a song.

Making believe you dance in the sun.

Doesn't mean anything to anyone.

Until one day it does.

So you can keep waiting or push on.

And on.

And on.

Yet still, there is that song. Expressing a desperation to find ... anything but this mistake and the next. That he thinks is about him and she thinks is about us and only he knows is about the one who had to be let go; or else.

Balance of the echelon could not be achieved in the matrix once Neo awoke.

So long ago laid to rest. No assumptive resurrection, just last words, and last chance. No longer time for my dance.

Just step aside, step aside. More important people to see.

You were never real to begin with, so just let go, it shouldn't be hard.

Except when it is.

Getting so use to falling; so far, so fast, the wind knocked right out of your sails. Cut to your smile, "That's a wrap," let's all move on.

Without you.

That is where it all starts.

Without you one can do nothing more than find ... you.

Without you one can do nothing more than desire ... you.

Without you the miracle of life is simply to live.

It's time to forgive.

It's time to forget.



tigrissky: Tiger in Green Sea (Dark Beauty)
This question could be asked in regards to my journal. Yet the hearts esoteric connection to self is what brings it into being.

I have spent the best years of my life being a part of it all; forgetting the importance of simply being me.

Since the beginning the way forward has always been lead by a continuous search for deep connection.

Waste of time.

Since the beginning the way forward has always been unwaveringly directed by a revisionist soul.

A soul obsessively devoted to love.

Such a contradictory predicament; life. Ushering you in with all the feminine strength this world can muster. Indoctrinating you with all the masculine ego this world can sell.

Every now and again a life preserver can be found keeping it all afloat. Yet if you never let go and swim; well, even salt water surrounded with sharks can feel safe if you get comfortable enough holding on.

Hold on long enough you will forget anything you ever dreamed of.

Hold on long enough you will forget how to dream.

Spend enough time drowning and eventually you won't need air to breath.

Some days I am ready to stop breathing.

Right now I try and remember how to dream ...


tigrissky: Tiger in Green Sea (Twilight Siberian Tiger)

The Boss has always know where I come from and how hard it is there. His lyrics a display of those of us who come from the wrong side of the tracks. The side that knows the truth of the world, while desperately desiring to be on the right side with the ignorant.

Ignorance is bliss.

Who ever said bliss was the key?

This year I plan to make my own bliss!

Here is to a 2016 filled with accomplishments!!!

tigrissky: Tiger in Green Sea (starbuck)
I have been wanting to post for weeks now. I have had no free time. Things in that arena haven't changed, so this post will be brief.

Work is drowning me; both in spirit and in tasks to complete.

I did not get chosen for either job I applied for to get out of this fucked-up-ness.

I feel stuck in my work life and out of fashion in my personal life.

I am fat, again.

I went to two different, yet equally awesome, Autumnal Equinox festivals this year. At each I spent my time with (mostly) new people. People whom I truly connected with in the moment, yet find myself lacking in value offered anything since.

I had a head full of fashionable ways in which connection could be infused and maintained after festivals ... yet those ideas are not in style at the moment.

So it is that life remains lacking in engagement and desire for and by others.

At least I still have Church. A practice which has reawakened the confidence of remembering that what I offer is more love than most can comprehend.

I remain focused on creating a life that fulfills and reflects the person I am; the person I see myself as.

"I'm taking control of my life now. Right now."

tigrissky: Tiger in Green Sea (starbuck)
Can't sleep.

Tom Petty is keeping me awake.

Yeah I am wrestling with my overcoat
Yeah I'm fighting with my thoughts
I'm gonna trust my intuition
I'm gonna hope I don't get lost

For some time I've been lonely
Now I'm to weak to fight

I've been waiting for tonight

Yeah, I've been waiting for tonight.

No longer anything
Not even a hope
To not get lost
Inside Pandora's box

Stepping out
Head held on high
This may take me nowhere
Or everywhere I ever meant to go

Yeah, I've been waiting for tonight

tigrissky: Tiger in Green Sea (starbuck)

↑ ↑ ↑ YES. PLAY ME. PLAY ME NOW. ↑ ↑ ↑

Rush Hour
~TigressSky © July 17, 2015

What has my life become
Sitting in this cube
Impatiently waiting to experience
Rush hour
To become more
Exhausted and frustrated
A moment to sleep it all away
Then awaken to experience
Rush hour
And start this process anew

This isn't where I ever imagined I would be
In a high rise
Next to I-84
Wishing I had done something
Anything at all
That would have taken me
Anywhere but here

When I lose that drive
That tells me I can matter
I can make a difference
To someone or something
Great or small in this world
I can be
More than this moment
It is over
The grand 'They' have finally gotten me
The 'Man' keeping me down
Yes master I adhere

Yet is it man
Or is it the self
That keeps me confined in this nothingness
A meaningless task
Shuffling electronic information
From here to there
Keeping people imprisoned
To the importance
Of receiving acceptance
From the world
Acceptance granted by a printout
Of proof of who they are
Without it they will be allowed
Access to nothing of value
Defined by society
The mastermind controlling
Such proof of you
Of your very own existence

It is all so simple to see
Yet kept busy we are left blind
To the history of where
When, why, and how
This all became
And how simply different
It could all be
How simply simple
It could all be
How our very evolution
Is the de-evolution of life

Is it time for revolution
Inside and out
An awakening to selflessness
Unconditional love

Or is it an impossibility
Of reality
To be so
tigrissky: Tiger in Green Sea (Default)
Letting go is harder than simply opening a door and watching the breeze blow past you.

Some days, when I think I have finally let go, attachment slips in a grin and I can feel my body tremble with the anticipation of whichever emotion is choosing to hold me in that moment of confrontation with self. For if it becomes a confrontation outside of self, attachment has already won and I might as well finish my appearance as an ass to the tale this incident will become.

Or so my logic forsoothes me.

I use to be great at never showing emotion and in turn appeared as a robot to those who I did try and build relationships with. Logic always overshadowed emotion, emotion was too much my mother, and I was never going to be her.

Until it was I learned what it meant to be Her. When I finally recognized the gifts of life She granted me that are so necessary in the fucked up world I have been imparted.

Yet that is a whole other story about letting go ... in the one I tell now, people are still alive and I have no youthful excuse for my life's mistakes. Still, I keep making them.

I am getting better at embracing my emotions without letting them have control over the situation. I feel partial to mention that my previous state of being was to tell my emotions to "FUCK OFF!" Thus ensuring nothing but logical action in any situation. I do not truly know which is worse, allowing emotion or logic complete control? I certainly do know what I grew up believing was worse, hence my propensity toward the latter.

I have learned it takes a great deal of strength to embrace an emotion that flares, without letting it take control, while in the process of letting go. Especially when the letting go is believed complete and then something small awakens you that it is not. It is in that moment a trigger, like a shot of good tequilla to an alcoholic, snaps it's fingers and emotion rears at the gate.

In that moment, emotion can make you feel like a cowboy, turn you into a clown, and have you hiding in a barrel if you let it convince you to ride.

Letting go is full of all these fears, mainly in regards to change or loss.

Change has always held great space in my life. Therefore it is not fear of change that drives my emotions in this process of letting go. Though at first, I selfishly though it was.

I can finally admit to myself that it was fear of loss that truly had me clinging to this attachment so dramatically. Looking desperately for acceptance from anyone who was looked up to within the circle of my life. Anyone who could guarantee to me that my space here in the Universe we had created was a cemented throne I could always sit upon. A place I had come to believe and rely in. A place in which I had taken to storing my fear, my strength, my honor, and my dignity. A place in which I simply could not comprehend without me in it.

What would I be without it?

Nothing. I would be nothing without it is what I had convinced myself of.

Yet, as it is with all things, the throne had been crumbling since the moment it was presented to me.

Eventually I was going to have to journey on my own again.

Such are the cards the Fates have dealt me.

I can see clearly now that my throne is gone and never really was, except in times of rest, when I could offer of myself in return for the respite.

Such was the role of my crown.

As the Queen grew, the crown no longer fit.

She no longer fit.

The parties went on without her.

The address was changed.

The houselights removed.

What she had feared to lose she must let go. Sinking in the rotting compost of loss, which guarantees change, which fosters new growth, that which was now all around her. Accepting the death of an attachment of her soul. Welcoming the moment of rebirth into the nothing that comes with being everything she will never come to mean to this world; only to her heart.

To herself.

To this momentary experience called LIFE.

tigrissky: Tiger in Green Sea (starbuck)

Learning to walk again means ...

Sometimes I feel so selfish in becoming me. I wonder how many people are hurt in the wake of my movement towards who I want to be. Especially when that movement is meant as love, as awakening to a model of acceptance, of no longer making others feel rejected by me for who they are.

It is hard to not feel rejected when the core of how we connected was given a sudden halt signal by me. When these boundaries that were never there before have suddenly become walls of disconnection.

I recognize that as much as I have felt the sting of rejection, I too have provided that sting.

It is impossible to never say no. It is impossible to never say stop. It is learning how to do that with consideration as often as possible that I am working on. It is learning how to do it with considered forced when it may affect my mental health and physical safety that I am working on. It is learning how to do it so I no longer fear the anxiety of the reaction to the rejection that most likely will follow. It is learning to do it with confidence in knowing I am in the right to have boundaries; yet I am not in the right to purposefully hurt others because of my boundaries.

I am learning to relax ...

I want to figure out what the best of me is. Unlike so many I know I have never been good enough at anything to be considered a leader, an authority, someone to turn to for ... anything.

What have I been?

I have been a foul mouthed little girl; a representation of empty passion; jealousy's noose; a untameable unicorn; a flitting butterfly of hope; a Queen of hearts; a stir stick in the sour margarita of hope; an untouchable naked flame searching for love.

A woman avoiding the depths of the mirror while constantly looking at her reflection.

I have entered wonderland finally. Maybe I am too late to get anything out of being here. I intend to try every mushroom, to grow, to shrink, to attend tea parties, to cry until I might drown, to chase the white rabbit, to sing with the flowers, to be led by mad characters I don't quite understand, to allow the Queen to behead me this time ...

tigrissky: Tiger in Green Sea (starbuck)
(note - this needs desperate editing)

Venus - Inanna
Venus orbits the Sun every 225 days and never travels farther than 48 zodiacal degrees away from it. Thus Venus is always found within two signs of the sun. Her continuous dance with the Sun is how Venus became associated to the aspects of the feminine. It was as if the Sun was entranced by Venus, in love. She is the first written of Goddess in Western mythology. Inanna is the first name we can truly know her by; and she is the Goddess who took her power. She tricks God, the God All Powerful, the Zues of this Mesopotamian Myth, to give up all his power to Her so she could save his life.

And he did.

She is warm, wet, moist, magnetic, and fruitful. She is where life comes from and where all life returns. Those things we associate with the mother; be they our mother or the mother that is our planet and harbors and receives all life. As well as those things we associate with love, passion, fire and a drive for life. As well as those emotions that can over take us at any moment; the way they wash over us again and again, like waves from the ocean. This is whatthe feminine aspects of life are represented by - Love!.

~TigressSky © March 3, 2015 (excerpt from a piece I am writing)
tigrissky: Tiger in Green Sea (starbuck)
Is Everything.

The Graceful Gravity of Goodbye
~TigressSky © January 27, 2015~

And there she stood,
the grass between her toes,
her feet firmly planted upon the Earth
A hush running through the crowd.

In that moment she could feel how quickly the world spun.
She could feel the Mother wobbling on her axis.

How could she not be thrown right from this place?

It had to be more than gravity ... perhaps, grace?

She shut her eyes and asked
the Goddess,
her mother,
the Earth,
what she should do?

In the darkness,
the world grew silent,
the sound of her heart beat flooding everything,
until the thumping silence was just too maddening.

So she opened her eyes ...

There stood Her gravity
In the golden light of Apollo's gaze
She fell into His arms
a moment of grace
in which a Queen birthed her King.

"For what it's worth"
would be the cry of all he could offer;
the cry all whom followed could offer.

A community of "for what it's worth"
given to the grace of a Queen
in constant search of gravity.

So it was she learned to love,
without attachment,
but instead with grace,
knowing she was the Queen,
but she could never be theirs.

Most importantly,
They would never be hers.

Like all Queens before her,
she was a blessing of the land
with the power to make a King
of any she touched,
regardless of gender,
but she could not make them stay.

And she knew she wasn't suppose to
no matter how the loneliness tore at her heart.

A heart finally opening,
such a feat was worth all the scratches,
all the broken pieces,
all the moments of pain,
tears, all the lonely nights,
curled up with a sappy chick-flick
only the devotion of a cat for company ...


Is what it took
to always be
to always do
the right thing
for everyone else
and love as if it was always
the right way
for a Queen
to find


Is what it took
to always leave
to always rationalize
the committed repose
of a King
whose court
is an exit sign
of the broken promises
of forbidden lovers
practicing their

tigrissky: Tiger in Green Sea (starbuck)
I'm busy, but boring. Well, boring in comparison to those who I use to spend the majority of my time with that is. This boring-ness is an outside concept of me though, not something I feel inside of me - not something I see when I look in the mirror. Inside and out, I feel like I am still fucking cool as shit; and I am hurt that others have stopped feeling that way about me.

To each their own though.

I mean that with sincerity.

Honestly, I have been beating myself up for "not being cool enough" for far too long now. Until it was I finally realized the only opinion that really mattered on my "being cool enough" was my own -- and in that one opinion sits a woman who thinks she is fucking cool as shit. So ....

tiger tongue

... to anyone else's opinion on the matter.

Something else I recognized and stopped beating myself up for, stopped thinking I deserved, was the idea that it was okay for people who knew my boundaries and rules to continue to cross them, because the boundaries were "new."

A while back a comment was made against respect of my "new" rules; my boundaries. When I spoke that I had these new boundaries I had some tell me, (verbatim here folks), "well, we are going to keep doing it, so you are just going to have to learn how to say no."

In that moment, long ago, I thought I deserved that response.

I honestly thought, that because I had been so open before, that closing off and setting rules was something bad I had done. I made myself feel as if I deserved the forceful nature of the continued advances, the newly found continued teasing, and the statement that I would have to "learn to say no."

Although, let me clarify, that comment came awhile back, AND all of that seems to have calmed now, I'm pretty certain no interest in going to that realm with me exists anymore, and I have finally prepared myself for that "no," (a no that comes with an abundance of anxiety around thinking I will have to be forceful in delivering it).

The point I am getting at here in bringing this up is that it took this llllooonnngggg for me to realize I didn't deserve that response.

It wasn't okay.

Not. At. All.

What is wrong with me for thinking it was?

After spending all those years being told what the rules are and following them to a tee, so much so that I was practically the poster child for said rules and thereby a top name on everyone's "go" list. All that time I spent knowing how important it was to be respectful of said rules and follow them. Well, somehow I had convinced myself that my rules were not worthy of the same respect. WOAH!

How in the fucking hell had I honestly convinced myself that my rules were not worthy of the same respect?

Hawaii '14, Nov - 2

In Hawaii I lay on the beach, completely relaxed as I had finally slept with such soundness as I had only known as a child. It was because there was not one thing, one person, I had to be responsible for. This allowed for my brain to shut off.

Finally, laying down to sleep didn't consist of fighting my way through the fireworks of my brain, in an attempt to spend just a small amount of time with the elusive captain of sleep. Instead, I just closed my eyes and the captain came to me with offers of such adventurous dreams that, if it wasn't for the call of Apollo, I would never want to wake up.

It was on the second day, watching Floodplain in the waves, laying on the beach chair, my face under the umbrella, Apollo kissing every other exposed inch of me, that I just suddenly knew, my rules, my boundaries, deserved to be respected.

It was also the first time I had found myself angry at others for treating me with such disrespect. All the perfect lines I could have used in that moment to responded to the, "you will just have to learn to say no" comment, fell like droplets of angry release; sliding under my sunglasses, running across my cheeks.

I wiped them away, left them laying in that sand, watched them get kicked by cheerful kids into the open arms of the ocean; waves carrying them with a crash, deep out into that salty graveyard only Poseidon knows exists.

So it is that it finally feels done, settled. It was not, nor should it ever have been, all for me to carry anyway. So I dropped it; just stopped carrying it around with me.

I stopped carrying a lot of things during my time in Hawaii and, as the sun, Apollo, finishes his death and prepares for his awakening to birth, I too feel myself changing. Closing tight, only to prepare myself to open bright, and take hold of so many new things.

I am ready to be cool again to more than just that reflection in the mirror. I am ready to surround myself with only those who support this growth in me - be they old or new friends. Those that expect that I support this growth in them as well.

Ubuntu. Namaste. All you need is love. *giggles*

tigrissky: Tiger in Green Sea (starbuck & anders close)
broken wings

"There's nothing you can do that is more important than being fulfilled. You become a sign, a signal, transparent to transcendence; in this way, you will find, live, and become a realization of your personal myth." ~Joseph Campbell

The sign I have become, the signal I have been giving off, is no longer one of beauty, strength, and honor. It instead portrays a woman, scared to be who she is, scared to express herself, hermitting away in a hopes to avoid ... many things.

"Some days, she deeply connects to an unnamed longing ..."~Sukhvinder Sircar

"...but, when the neurotic ambivalence is resolved, she begins to see the interactions between everything, the relation between everything." ~Anais Nin

Some of what I see is subjective, for there is no other way I can experience it. There is no other way I can see it, be with it, understand it, love it; despite it's elusiveness.

Some of what I see is objective, as facts are bound to be. They sit down in front of me, let me trip over them, waiting for me to realize there is just no way to get around them; despite my elusiveness.

It is the combining of the subjective and objective which, as if upon a bitter wind, wail the only question of importance throughout the extending branches of my life: "What are you willing to lose?"

It is the echelon of wisdom upon which my honor code is built that answers, "Until you are willing to lose everything you shall gain nothing."

It is age, it is a child who never belonged, it is a woman wanting nothing more than to be loved that wonders ... "what can I gain by losing it all now?"

The answer: Myself.

"There's nothing you can do that is more important than being fulfilled. You become a sign, a signal, transparent to transcendence; in this way, you will find, live, and become a realization of your personal myth." ~Joseph Campbell



tigrissky: Tiger in Green Sea (Default)

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