Theatrlis Tigris

Awakening
~TigriSky, March 24, 2017

Back in your arms again, and all I can think is why?
Can't I make this happen?
Can't I?

The voice of doubt
The devil on the wing of my plane
Looking in as I sit in the cockpit
Wondering if anyone is really there
Or is it all really just this breath
Before I am lost in the motor cortex

Back in your arms again, and all I can think is why?
Can't I make this happen?
Can't I?

The voice of reason
Professes all of the treasonous ways
In which this plane won't even get off the ground
If I don't even try to see it through
To this mistake and then the next
So just take in this deep breath
Get lost in the motor cortex

Back in your arms again, and all I can think is why?
Can't I make this happen?
Can't I?

The voice of jealousy
Screams it's applause of the failures
Brought to a table of cards
Dealt by an established King and Queen
Since when do peasants step foot
In such monarchy

Back in your arms again, and all I can think is why?
Can't I make this happen?
Can't I?

The voice of beauty whispers
Sweet nothings of the transformation
From pupae to birth of a butterfly
Slipping from the sins of the truth
Slithering on the belly of nature
Until one day you spread your wings
You can fly

You can fly

In a past life I must have been cruel.

I do not mean a past life I can only dream. A dream in which might be recalled the love between Alexander and Hephaestion. No, not just a dream.

I mean a past life, that at times, feels like yesterday.

Days like these I find myself confronted by such a life; of my past. Seeing straight through the mask of self prepared so carefully within the depths of craved, perhaps depraved, acceptance. Leaving me to wonder what good, if any, I may or may not have provided.

In the eyes of wonder, the waves of cold doubt crash into me. Cold I use to possess. As if there was some form of self that deserved to be possessed by such cold.

A cold that forces you to crawl inside the womb of your anxieties, wrestle your demons, question your value, and die ... unto your own visions of self, repeatedly. Until the very moment there is nothing left to die unto.

Awakening.

Recognizing the very lack of definition with which you are born. In this life, and the next. In whatever moment you finally decide to live, that is.

~TigrisSky

2017 quickly approaches, allowing a moment to reflect on the numerologically defined "9" this year has definitely been. I can only nod my head, in a form of acceptance and, perhaps a bit of appreciation, for the way it all played out. As a sort of initiation into the questionable form our human civilization is divisively taking towards becoming ...

Speaking of becoming; now is also a time to reflect upon the person I became in 2016. As well as postulate hopeful scenarios of the person I wish to become in 2017. How resolutely I succeed in accomplishing my "becoming" is affected directly by my willingness to change the reflections of that which "became" me.



I am taken back six months, to a reflection from my birthday, of which the following seems relevant to share in order to understand my resolve for 2017.

"I am the artist of my truth, my wisdom, my experience and I do not intend to forget the pictures I have created along the way. Some of them bolder and louder than others. All of them a reflection of my creation myth.

A myth that started 39 years ago in a different time, in a different place. The history of which has ridden a wave of historic change in which I have had zero affect in shaping.

I am simply human. Part of a species advancing phenomenally as a whole. If such advancement, of a single species, to the detriment of so much around it, is to be considered a phenomenon. Which, even within my cynicism, I am left feeling is phenomenal. Knowing, in the grand scheme of the Universe, the Earth is but a tiny speck of dust, and the human species barely of microscopic consequence.

Yet, at the same time, we are the Universe experiencing itself. We are made of the stars, born of the sun and moon, birthed by an Earth mother that has created the perfect environment in which such a species can thrive. An environment in which we can learn, manipulate, and create through nothing more complex than a simple quiet moment in observance of nature.

It is in those silent moments that I am most grateful. Grateful for the experience becoming absolutely nothing more than a momentary microscopic breathe, on a cosmic speck of floating dust, in the vastness of a Universe I cannot even comprehend a minuscule fraction of, has granted me.

If you are reading this, it most likely granted me you.

No matter how briefly or incompletely I have loved and I have been loved. Unabashedly. Luckily. Sometimes even miserably. Only the Gods them self are able to comprehend, in one brief vision, the overall importance in such love."

On top of the vanity of the 20 pounds I vow to lose, this knowledge is what I vow to build from and upon in 2017.

To remain grateful for whatever amount of love for me exists in this world; in the hearts of those who keep me in their life, in whatever way they may choose to keep me.

To remain silent and observant to the nature of the world around me and the self that is developing within.

To attempt to paint some masterpieces worth remembering, even if they are heartbreaking, and most especially if they are love making!

To remember I am simply stardust, experiencing the Universe, as a form of life sculpted of the Mother known as Earth, guided by an invisible Father called Time; and, in spite of this travesty, I will continue to try and become more anyway!

Happy New Year!




With much love,
~TigrisSky

The Wonder
by TigrisSky ©October 30, 2016

The wonder of smiles
Casting black clouds of doubt
Over ignorant hearts
Beating strong just the same

Nothing can stop you
From gaining the knowledge
The truth is in playing
Not winning the game

Which always ends
In nothing
But dreamers
Closing their eyes

To chance
That in this one
Moment in time
All life will start

To make sense
Out of fears
That come
With the territory

Of gypsy heart
Of native mind
A shaman expands
All visions beyond

Horizons to reach
Pasts to dispel
Myths to create
Fires to ignite

Passions to explore
Ecstasy at levels
Beyond this base
We sit upon

Earth
And wonder
How it all began
To end

There are moments of wailing misery that haunt every day, every heart beat, from that moment forward. Moments where the whiskey makes any sideways glance a miracle of chance. That maybe, just maybe, you can forget it all ... with a song.

Making believe you dance in the sun.

Doesn't mean anything to anyone.

Until one day it does.

So you can keep waiting or push on.

And on.

And on.

Yet still, there is that song. Expressing a desperation to find ... anything but this mistake and the next. That he thinks is about him and she thinks is about us and only he knows is about the one who had to be let go; or else.

Balance of the echelon could not be achieved in the matrix once Neo awoke.

So long ago laid to rest. No assumptive resurrection, just last words, and last chance. No longer time for my dance.

Just step aside, step aside. More important people to see.

You were never real to begin with, so just let go, it shouldn't be hard.

Except when it is.

Getting so use to falling; so far, so fast, the wind knocked right out of your sails. Cut to your smile, "That's a wrap," let's all move on.

Without you.

That is where it all starts.

Without you one can do nothing more than find ... you.

Without you one can do nothing more than desire ... you.

Without you the miracle of life is simply to live.

It's time to forgive.

It's time to forget.

You.

~TigressSky

The Boss has always know where I come from and how hard it is there. His lyrics a display of those of us who come from the wrong side of the tracks. The side that knows the truth of the world, while desperately desiring to be on the right side with the ignorant.

Ignorance is bliss.

Who ever said bliss was the key?

This year I plan to make my own bliss!

Here is to a 2016 filled with accomplishments!!!

~TigrisSky

Can't sleep.

Tom Petty is keeping me awake.




Yeah I am wrestling with my overcoat
Yeah I'm fighting with my thoughts
I'm gonna trust my intuition
I'm gonna hope I don't get lost

For some time I've been lonely
Now I'm to weak to fight

I've been waiting for tonight



Yeah, I've been waiting for tonight.

No longer anything
Not even a hope
To not get lost
Inside Pandora's box

Stepping out
Head held on high
This may take me nowhere
Or everywhere I ever meant to go

Yeah, I've been waiting for tonight

~TigrisSky

Letting go is harder than simply opening a door and watching the breeze blow past you.

Some days, when I think I have finally let go, attachment slips in a grin and I can feel my body tremble with the anticipation of whichever emotion is choosing to hold me in that moment of confrontation with self. For if it becomes a confrontation outside of self, attachment has already won and I might as well finish my appearance as an ass to the tale this incident will become.

Or so my logic forsoothes me.

I use to be great at never showing emotion and in turn appeared as a robot to those who I did try and build relationships with. Logic always overshadowed emotion, emotion was too much my mother, and I was never going to be her.

Until it was I learned what it meant to be Her. When I finally recognized the gifts of life She granted me that are so necessary in the fucked up world I have been imparted.

Yet that is a whole other story about letting go ... in the one I tell now, people are still alive and I have no youthful excuse for my life's mistakes. Still, I keep making them.



I am getting better at embracing my emotions without letting them have control over the situation. I feel partial to mention that my previous state of being was to tell my emotions to "FUCK OFF!" Thus ensuring nothing but logical action in any situation. I do not truly know which is worse, allowing emotion or logic complete control? I certainly do know what I grew up believing was worse, hence my propensity toward the latter.

I have learned it takes a great deal of strength to embrace an emotion that flares, without letting it take control, while in the process of letting go. Especially when the letting go is believed complete and then something small awakens you that it is not. It is in that moment a trigger, like a shot of good tequilla to an alcoholic, snaps it's fingers and emotion rears at the gate.

In that moment, emotion can make you feel like a cowboy, turn you into a clown, and have you hiding in a barrel if you let it convince you to ride.

Letting go is full of all these fears, mainly in regards to change or loss.

Change has always held great space in my life. Therefore it is not fear of change that drives my emotions in this process of letting go. Though at first, I selfishly though it was.

I can finally admit to myself that it was fear of loss that truly had me clinging to this attachment so dramatically. Looking desperately for acceptance from anyone who was looked up to within the circle of my life. Anyone who could guarantee to me that my space here in the Universe we had created was a cemented throne I could always sit upon. A place I had come to believe and rely in. A place in which I had taken to storing my fear, my strength, my honor, and my dignity. A place in which I simply could not comprehend without me in it.

What would I be without it?

Nothing. I would be nothing without it is what I had convinced myself of.



Yet, as it is with all things, the throne had been crumbling since the moment it was presented to me.

Eventually I was going to have to journey on my own again.

Such are the cards the Fates have dealt me.

I can see clearly now that my throne is gone and never really was, except in times of rest, when I could offer of myself in return for the respite.

Such was the role of my crown.

As the Queen grew, the crown no longer fit.

She no longer fit.

The parties went on without her.

The address was changed.

The houselights removed.



What she had feared to lose she must let go. Sinking in the rotting compost of loss, which guarantees change, which fosters new growth, that which was now all around her. Accepting the death of an attachment of her soul. Welcoming the moment of rebirth into the nothing that comes with being everything she will never come to mean to this world; only to her heart.

To herself.

To this momentary experience called LIFE.



~TigrisSky

(note - this needs desperate editing)

Venus - Inanna

Venus orbits the Sun every 225 days and never travels farther than 48 zodiacal degrees away from it. Thus Venus is always found within two signs of the sun. Her continuous dance with the Sun is how Venus became associated to the aspects of the feminine. It was as if the Sun was entranced by Venus, in love. She is the first written of Goddess in Western mythology. Inanna is the first name we can truly know her by; and she is the Goddess who took her power. She tricks God, the God All Powerful, the Zues of this Mesopotamian Myth, to give up all his power to Her so she could save his life.

And he did.

She is warm, wet, moist, magnetic, and fruitful. She is where life comes from and where all life returns. Those things we associate with the mother; be they our mother or the mother that is our planet and harbors and receives all life. As well as those things we associate with love, passion, fire and a drive for life. As well as those emotions that can over take us at any moment; the way they wash over us again and again, like waves from the ocean. This is whatthe feminine aspects of life are represented by - Love!.

~TigressSky © March 3, 2015 (excerpt from a piece I am writing)

I'm busy, but boring. Well, boring in comparison to those who I use to spend the majority of my time with that is. This boring-ness is an outside concept of me though, not something I feel inside of me - not something I see when I look in the mirror. Inside and out, I feel like I am still fucking cool as shit; and I am hurt that others have stopped feeling that way about me.

To each their own though.

I mean that with sincerity.

Honestly, I have been beating myself up for "not being cool enough" for far too long now. Until it was I finally realized the only opinion that really mattered on my "being cool enough" was my own -- and in that one opinion sits a woman who thinks she is fucking cool as shit. So ....

*ttthhhhpppbbbbbtttttt*


... to anyone else's opinion on the matter.

Something else I recognized and stopped beating myself up for, stopped thinking I deserved, was the idea that it was okay for people who knew my boundaries and rules to continue to cross them, because the boundaries were "new."

A while back a comment was made against respect of my "new" rules; my boundaries. When I spoke that I had these new boundaries I had some tell me, (verbatim here folks), "well, we are going to keep doing it, so you are just going to have to learn how to say no."

In that moment, long ago, I thought I deserved that response.

I honestly thought, that because I had been so open before, that closing off and setting rules was something bad I had done. I made myself feel as if I deserved the forceful nature of the continued advances, the newly found continued teasing, and the statement that I would have to "learn to say no."

Although, let me clarify, that comment came awhile back, AND all of that seems to have calmed now, I'm pretty certain no interest in going to that realm with me exists anymore, and I have finally prepared myself for that "no," (a no that comes with an abundance of anxiety around thinking I will have to be forceful in delivering it).

The point I am getting at here in bringing this up is that it took this llllooonnngggg for me to realize I didn't deserve that response.

It wasn't okay.

Not. At. All.

What is wrong with me for thinking it was?

After spending all those years being told what the rules are and following them to a tee, so much so that I was practically the poster child for said rules and thereby a top name on everyone's "go" list. All that time I spent knowing how important it was to be respectful of said rules and follow them. Well, somehow I had convinced myself that my rules were not worthy of the same respect. WOAH!

How in the fucking hell had I honestly convinced myself that my rules were not worthy of the same respect?



In Hawaii I lay on the beach, completely relaxed as I had finally slept with such soundness as I had only known as a child. It was because there was not one thing, one person, I had to be responsible for. This allowed for my brain to shut off.

Finally, laying down to sleep didn't consist of fighting my way through the fireworks of my brain, in an attempt to spend just a small amount of time with the elusive captain of sleep. Instead, I just closed my eyes and the captain came to me with offers of such adventurous dreams that, if it wasn't for the call of Apollo, I would never want to wake up.

It was on the second day, watching Floodplain in the waves, laying on the beach chair, my face under the umbrella, Apollo kissing every other exposed inch of me, that I just suddenly knew, my rules, my boundaries, deserved to be respected.

It was also the first time I had found myself angry at others for treating me with such disrespect. All the perfect lines I could have used in that moment to responded to the, "you will just have to learn to say no" comment, fell like droplets of angry release; sliding under my sunglasses, running across my cheeks.

I wiped them away, left them laying in that sand, watched them get kicked by cheerful kids into the open arms of the ocean; waves carrying them with a crash, deep out into that salty graveyard only Poseidon knows exists.

So it is that it finally feels done, settled. It was not, nor should it ever have been, all for me to carry anyway. So I dropped it; just stopped carrying it around with me.

I stopped carrying a lot of things during my time in Hawaii and, as the sun, Apollo, finishes his death and prepares for his awakening to birth, I too feel myself changing. Closing tight, only to prepare myself to open bright, and take hold of so many new things.



I am ready to be cool again to more than just that reflection in the mirror. I am ready to surround myself with only those who support this growth in me - be they old or new friends. Those that expect that I support this growth in them as well.

Ubuntu. Namaste. All you need is love. *giggles*

~TigressSky